thanksgiving 2006

we went to duck, NC for thanksgiving at pam's beach house. there was a n'oreaster the day before and the walkway down to the beach was wiped out and wrecked. it wasn't the only one. the beach was littered with future driftwood. one look up and down the beach confirmed that everyone as far as i could see was going to be doing repair work. not only that, but the dunes were pounded pretty hard and i would say a good 5 yards of it just disappeared.i didn't get on the beach at all, but that was ok. we had good food and the boys all stayed glued to the tv all day on thanksgiving. on friday we came home and i went up to pam's friday night. we left there and went to roanoke and spent the night at tom and cindy mohr's house ("mohr mannor"). this morning we got up too late and got started too late and ended up in lots of traffic trying to get into blackburg for the tech-uva game. the new bypass i have decided is a joke when it comes to traffic. better to go down another exit and take the old way in on old business 460. we parked at the german club, where pam's son matt is a member. walked to the stadium and i was on sensory overload from then on.


first, i haven't been to a tech football game since before austin was born. secondly, i haven't been in blacksburg in about 6 or 7 years. much has changed. i don't think i would have been able to get around there now. it seems that every patch of grass or free space on campus has a building on it now. things have been changed around a whole lot! pam and i parked in the parking lot in front of slusher tower where we used to live and we went out in the back and had our pictures taken on the rock where we sat more than 30 years ago. all that was missing was linda!

we drove around blacksburg and out to the AGR house and around town. i just didn't recognize anything! certainly blacksburg is more cosmopolitan than when we were there! we headed out out town after 5:30 and about TWO HOURS LATER we were getting gas and coffee at the sheetz on orange avenue in roanoke. it took almost 2 hours in snail paced traffic to get there. at least an hour alone or more was spent trying to get out of blacksburg. some bypass...we didn't bypass anything, period! definitely learned a lesson there...skip the bypass, go the old way.


there was just so much to take in that i just pretty well shut down while there. i was struck by the amazing amounts of tech colors displayed everywhere. everyone had on something tech colored. i also was amazed that i saw no drunk people. as a matter of fact, i don't think i saw but one person drinking at all, and we were on the student side of the stadium! football is now serious business up there, and i guess when you pay $40 for a ticket, you don't want to miss it. people stand up every time the defense is on the field, and they all do this bow down thing to the defense, which deserves it. the defense has kept tech on the map, as the offense this year has been pretty mediocre.


after the game we found old friend karen togersen's tail gate spot and visited with her and her family for awhile. i hadn't seen here since before austin was born! she lived on the hall across from pam and linda in slusher and now, after being director of admissions at tech for a number of years, has remarried and is living in charlottesville working for UVA...:)

restless in mechanicsville

i can't figure out why it is that i can't seem to sit still...probably too much caffeine, but i am most definitely restless in mechanicsville.

it is a weird thing when the one thing you want to do, which is relax, seems to be the one thing you won't let yourself do. why is that? i sit and daydream about it a lot of the the time, but given the opportunity, i usually blow it. i sit in front of the tv and watch c.s.i. or a law & order and then flog myself for having succumbed to doing nothing useful.

yesterday i did do some useful shopping. i bought xmas gifts for daddy and austin and bought myself clothes. i was feeling a bit flush and spent the money, although i am sure sometime soon i will be sorry for having done it. hopefully, not. today i would like to go through my room and austin's and gather up things for goodwill. i am in the cleaning mode and right now i have a bit of energy, having been pretty much decked for awhile with the fibro. however, yesterday i felt a bit better and austin is at his father's house, so i was by myself and i like that.

it is raining harder than a cow pissing on a flat rock today. the yard is puddled and there is a huge stream of water sluicing down the driveway. i am surprised at how squishy the yard is. i went to church today and was a greeter and did the collection as well. i hadn't been in awhile, so it was good to go, although my stomach thought differently. probably that 20 ounce of coffee i slugged down. i took my hair out of the corn rows yesterday and today i am playing with it a bit with combs. yesterday i used headbands. tomorrow, who knows. i may keep it down for awhile.

i haven't done pottery in months and i just started back reading fiction. i am still reading the newspapers and i seem to be able to focus a bit on those kind of things. i am having some irritating physical problems, including periodic choking incidents and difficulty breathing. sometimes i feel like i have a 5lb sack of sugar on my chest and i have to concentrate on breathing. the muscular problem has always been irritating. i am dropping things, having trouble grabbing things and tripping and stumbling. i am also having problems coming up with names for things, like the hair combs. i sat here for a minute concentrating trying to remember what they were called, although i could clearly envision them. sigh.

we needed a printer, so i finally found one and bought it yesterday. this was the culmination of months of research on the internet and combing the sunday store ads. what a confusing mess! i don't think anyone can figure it out. there are so many different variations on a theme that they can keep you perpetually confused about what to buy. generally, i think it comes down to people buying what is in the store and what is on sale. i could only find one of the five on my list in a store, and fortunately for me it was on sale. it has yet to be installed. i will save that one for austin.

ducking out in duck, nc....

it is saturday night in duck, nc. pam has gone up to bed. taylor, tead and his friend jonathan are watching yet another football game on the tube. the wind is blowing, but it isn't cold, and we have just returned for the second outing of the day looking for supplies. all is well. what the hell am i doing in duck, nc?

pam has purchased her dream. she now is a part owner in a beach house here in duck, a nice one. she has five weeks out of the year to come here and hang out. she will be by herself this week, the first week. i have come down for the weekend, as austin is with bebo and i needed a break. the last time i was in nags head was when we went on vacation in 1991 with pam and taylor in whalehead junction. i thought i was just pregnant with austin (i was) and i spent the whole week trying to decide whether or not i should buy an early pregnancy test in the food lion in corolla...

a lot has changed, but then again, so have i. when i was here with bebo before, we were sort of bored...or he was. i think i was ok sitting around reading on the deck and going on the beach. bebo would have preferred going somewhere else, and after this week we never went back to the beach again. in any case, here i am 14 years later with no bebo and no kid...and i am enjoying myself. it is amazing how this place has changed. it is greatly built up, but it isn't, at least in duck, like myrtle beach or va. beach. i think when you head to nags head or kill devil hills (south) it gets built up, but i haven't been there, only this end of the world.

the drive here last night was also interesting, as the road is 4 lane now the whole way. however, i could not enjoy it as the rain was coming down and driving at night is a nightmare for me. i got here, but i was white knuckling it the whole way.

pam and i went shopping for food and supplies and then took a walk on the beach. the water wasn't cold and we did it barefoot. then we went back out and walked around the little subdivison she is part of, port trinitie. we walked over to the sound side which has a pool and a long pier to a gazebo on the water. the sun was setting on the soundside water and it reminded me of the episcopalian camp at the end of talbot hall road in norfolk where warnie lives. i was there last when uncle harry died. austin, toddy and i walked down there and it was very peaceful. this was too. i think i could just as easily live on the sound side as the ocean, although both are nice.

taylor and the boys are going back on monday and i am leaving tomorrow. i took the day off yesterday to get the windshield changed on my car. mom and dad gave me their 1990 acura legend, and i did the dmv routine yesterday as well. visited with the aunties and the parental units. we went to atlas diner for lunch (fried flounder day and a good deal) and then i had sandwiches with them for dinner while i waited for pam and taylor to get to our area. warnie is getting a little slow. she fell down the night before and messed up her arm, bruising herself a lot and scraping the skin in a couple of places. she is declining and i wonder how long it will be before she can't live by herself anymore. she is happy, however, still has a sense of humor and does what she wants for the most part. she isn't driving as much or cooking much and falls asleep a lot. but she still jokes and is very easy to be around. aunt grace worries all of the time and talks all the time, but she is just being herself. it is a little hard to watch them age like this, but they are 86 and 84 and what do you expect from people at this age? we are lucky to have had them this long, and i have been blessed to get to 50 and still have the elderlys around.

Doris Young 1928-2006

i am still trying to process doris' death, which was last wednesday. she fell and hit her head on the brick sidewalk in front of her house. our dog, chili, charged the door trying to get to the yardman and doris tried to stop her. she suffered a massive head injury, and her kids pulled the plug within 4 hours of the injury.

a lot of women bitch about their mother-in-laws and don't get along with them. this was not the case with doris. she wasn't the easiest person to know, or the easiest person to talk to sometimes. she was a very proud person, and she certainly was the rock in her family. however, she worked behind the scenes, and was never an interferer. you always knew what she thought, and she wasn't afraid to express her opinion. i was always pretty much intimidated by her, especially when i first was married. but as the years rolled by, we sort of came to an understanding, and she always treated me really well and i loved her. she was very upset when bebo and i split up, and i kept up with her and stayed in the family up until this past year, when it became pretty obvious that i needed to make a break. i hadn't seen her in several months, and i think i will always have regrets about that. yet i think she knew what i was doing, and she probably agreed and understood it. i felt that with all the problems bebo was having, and the ripple effect that it was having on both austin and i, it wasn't the best to be around. i didn't want her to feel like she was ever in the middle. she was bebo's mother, and her first loyalty has to be to her son, regardless of what he does. i know she didn't agree with all that he did, but she always supported her children, regardless of what they did.

doris took me to all of my surgeries. she came and stayed with me during the day for the first 2 weeks after austin was born. she took austin to doctor's appointments when i couldn't do it and all you had to do was call and she was here. i enjoyed her company and we shared gardening things in common and i used to bring her vegetables from the produce stand out here in mechanicsville. most of the decent shoes i have were hers, and she always put thought into gifts that she gave me. it was doris who paid for me to get my master's training in reiki and she did practice it and encouraged it. doris was the one who did all of my laundry and brought it to me when i was in the hospital last year for 2 weeks. she would come a visit for a little while, but she wasn't the type to come and hang around for a long while, and she only called on the phone when she had something to ask you or tell you.

bebo has moved into her house to live with mae for awhile. the irony of all this is that jaquie finally made a financial settlement with bebo over the house. he was getting ready to put a contract down on a house when doris died. i haven't asked, but i am sure that doris probably know that this had happened, and i am sure it was a great relief to her. bebo has always wanted to buy his mother's house, and that may be possible now. her death solved the terrible problem of where bebo would live, and how. there is also a lot of guilt, i am sure, about how she died. terre had kicked chili out of her house and doris was taking care of chili, although she didn't really want to do it. chili's directly contributing to doris' death is just awful.

doris said for years that she was not leaving a will and the three kids would have to fight it out. she was true to her word, and it will be interesting to see what happens.

i am still sort of numbed out and can't believe that she died. i don't think it has hit austin at all, and i wonder about that. i guess we all have to grieve in our own ways. bebo goes in and out of it, and austin says that kitty is still really emotional all the time about it. i don't think things will ever be the same for those kids...they all, in their own ways, depended a great deal upon her to guide them in the directions that they needed to go in. there has certainly be so much "death" in the family over the last few years...kitty's marriage to mike breaking up and being ugly; bebo and i divorcing; bebo and the drama with jacquie and the house; danny's cancer and death; terre, kitty and bebo all moving from their homes to be closer to their mother in their old neighborhood. so much change...but i don't think things happen just randomly...they happen for a reason. certainly it was a blessing that doris died so quickly. she had been very adamant about not wanting to be a burden or to be kept alive by artificial means. she had COPD and emphysema, and bebo said on the night she died that it was a good thing, that at least now she wouldn't have to drown to death in her own fluids, which is where she was headed.

so i have to believe that there is a bigger reason going, that we all will ultimately learn something and be stronger, better persons for having known her and survived her death.

easy update and assessment

tomorrow i begin a new part time job teaching advanced composition at j. sargent reynolds community college. i am a little apprehensive about it, as i really don't know what exactly i am supposed to be teaching, and it has been 15 years since i taught a college course. they gave me a book, and i did make a syllabus, but i still don't know exactly what i am heading towards. i guess that has a lot to do with my confidence. i am hoping i will gather a bit of that as time moves on.

this summer has been a good one and a changing one for me. i have done a lot of traveling and have rented a lot of cars! austin's team took 3rd in the USSSA national tournament in orlando, and he did pretty well. the team split up a bit, and he has stayed with the coaches and will be playing with older kids. i have seen a lot of maturity on his part this summer and he has started to be less of a pill and more of a person. i am still amazed that he talks to me about things, including sex and girls and not just baseball. he has been pretty cooperative as far as doing things around here, and he knows now what is required to keep his lifestyle afloat. he has also sort of come into his own socially. he hasn't heard all summer from any of the boys he went to school with, as i expected. however, he has had a very active IM, phone and visiting social life with haley, riley, caitlin and a few others all summer. he has gone to their houses and out to the movies. i ended up getting him a cell phone because bebo never got around to doing so, as expected. he has been pretty responsible with it and knows the rules. we have had it pretty much open around here all summer and he has spent a lot of time by himself here or staying with the hackers or visiting little mike or jordan. i feel a bit guilty about leaving him so much because i did it for selfish reasons...i was off doing my own things.

i spent a lot of the summer following pam around and doing things with her. truthfully, i spent the summer acting like a teenager with a best friend. that suited me, and i could do it, so i did. however, the summer is over and i won't be able to hang out with my playmate like i did before. we have been working with the plants, putting up cuttings and preparing for the fall. i have enjoyed doing that, as it was always something i wanted to do, and i couldn't think of a better person to do it with than pam. it has taken some getting used to being with someone and not having to feel that any silence needs to be filled. since we are so opposite, i spend a lot of time doing a lot of talking and prodding and asking of questions just to keep the frequency open. however, even i know there is a point where you don't have to talk. i haven't done so well at this, but i have tried a bit more. basically, you do reach a point where you don't have anything to talk about and all the old stuff has been hashed and rehashed over and over again.

in any case, i have made some good changes i think this summer, but it has been a summer of change, and now i have to learn to live with the changes or not. i am struggling again with the eating issue, but i do think a good part of that has been chemical in the last week or so. i was in remission for about 6 weeks, but started coming out of it the week we were in orlando at the first of the month. i pulled an all nighter driving down to florida, and that was preceded by a week of worry and stress over the trip, just the kind of things that will flip the switch on the fibro. financial issues have reared their ugly heads once again, and i know i have spent some money this summer traveling. now the cold reality of paying for it is hitting, but i know what i have to do. i have the j. sarge job and i am going to work the football games at school on friday nights as well as saturday school. this will earn me some money to pay off the bills and maybe help towards xmas which will be coming up sooner than anyone can imagine.

my biggest problem has always been having something to look forward to, and this summer i have operated on a daily/weekly basis which has been fine. however, i won't be able to take off to amelia at the drop of a hat as i have, and i am going to have to push myself out of my comfort zone with people. i know i have insulated myself from my "normal" daily life by hanging out and contacting only the people i wanted to see or talk to. i did this on purpose because it made me feel better and more relaxed. i haven't talked to my brother since june and he hasn't called me either. i haven't wanted to call him because he drags me down sometimes. i also have avoided a few other people as well. going back to school, however, will put me back in the stew that is the english department, and that does stress me a bit.

i have done some good things this summer, some productive things, and some creative things. i put together my R. E. B. proposal and got it in way before the deadline. i made two birthday videos for pam and linda. i wrote the whole "pam and ellen's excellent new mexico adventure" blog and put it up. (http://madridnm.blogspot.com/) i also turned it into a little mini-book on publisher for pam and linda. i also have a scrapbook of the new mexico experience that is almost finished. i have lots of pictures and have learned how to use the digital camera. what i haven't done much of is clean house, garden here or do the beds that i had planned to do. wood bought, rebar bought, beds never done. oh well. i also have done very little reading, which is unusual for me as well. i have been pretty restless and overly focused on what i wanted to be focused upon, good or bad. i haven't had too many temper tantrums and few arguments with austin. i have stood up for myself with bebo and my parents, all of which is good. i haven't exercised, but i do have a tan. i have learned about rental cars and how to get them!

what am i looking forward to now? losing some more weight, going up to tech for a football game weekend with pam, seeing how austin does in school this fall, seeing how i am going to balance school, jobs, socializing, the greenhouse and new stuff. the key is to take it easy while doing it i guess.

since i have been back from new mexico, i have found maybe 3 or 4 pennies. i think this is interesting and definitely a sign. i think the angels helped me while i truly needed the help. they kept me going and kept me strong enough so i could get where i needed to get to heal myself. the glow is off as time has passed, but i have to remind myself about how i felt, and hope that i can keep that flow.

a story from beliefnet

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/103/story_10399_1.html?WT.mc_id=NL24

this morning i got this article as part of my daily emails from beliefnet. the story itself is good, but when i got to the postscript, my heart almost stopped. what she experienced when her dog passed was exactly what happened to me when my cat santini died in 1999. i have never met anyone or read anything where anyone described this exact same event happening to them when a pet died.

santini was a reiki junkie, but in the last weeks before he died, he absolutely refused it. he wouldn't sit in my lap or let me do reiki on him. when it came time to put him down, i had my hands on him and he was again spitting and growling. i kept them there while they gave him the injection. all of a sudden there was a big whoosh, almost like a huge wind, and it passed through both of my hands and my right arm, in a left to right motion and out up to the ceiling. the vet hadn't finished completely with him, but i knew then he was gone. i took my hands off of him, and she asked if i wanted his body, and i said no, as i truly knew he was absolutely gone, and i turned my back, walked out of the room to the car and didn't look back. what i was feeling, more than grief, was an absolute knowledge that the spirit and the body are really 2 separate things. my mother always has said that the body is just the temple for the soul, but at that moment i knew it was true, and it has helped me a lot to deal with death, which is starting to occur more and more in my life.

i might have shared this story with some of you before, but i just felt like i needed to pass on the article "as proof" that i am not totally crazy with this angel thing. i am writing on my other blog about new mexico, and the more days that go by, the more i see a trail of angel pennies that led me there. those of you at school especially know that i kept finding them, over and over and over again when i needed them. it was almost on a daily basis. looking back, i think those were signs that i needed to keep the faith, that i wasn't by myself. i have to admit i was just about ready to throw myself in front of a train if my life didn't change. truthfully, i was just about out of faith and there was a lot of despair. but i think a higher power knew what i needed and what circumstances i needed to have exist in order for me to get to the healing i needed to get to, and i got it.

when pam and i were in new mexico, there were a lot of coincidental things that kept occuring, which made me think constantly that we were being watched and accompanied. there were several spiritual things that happened, many of them in places that weren't where you expected them...driving through the jicarilla apache reservation, driving out of cortez, colorado to 4 corners, driving the turquoise trail between albuquerque and santa fe, doing reiki on pam, linda and chuck while we were in the hot springs in pagosa (the sun was going down, and all 4 of us were standing next to each other at the lip of the pool where the water was falling over into the san juan river. chuck was to my right and i had my hand on top of his and my left hand on linda's hand. she in turn had her hand on pam, who was to linda's left, so the reiki was flowing between all 4 of us. it was very peaceful and quite a bonding experience for me.)

in any case, since i have been back, i haven't found many pennies, but i haven't been looking for them all that much either. i think that is because my angels have gotten me to the point where i can stand up on my own and not feel so beaten down. i don't need the pennies like i did before i went.

so if you want to see proof, spend an hour with me i haven't felt this good physically in a long, long time. i was able to do things out there that i didn't have any hope of doing, such as climbing in high altitudes and getting over my fear of heights. i was able to leap out of balloon gondolas at a single bound, climb 30 ft. ladders and squeeze through tiny tunnels, and fight with unwilling cacti on the side of the road! i also stopped eating, and have lost weight since then and have managed to maintain it. i have been a lot distracted since i have been home, thinking way too much about what went on, so naturally my transition back has been slow and hard at times. however, i have finished doing most of the things i needed to do to make this transition, and i am busy and happy. i can't say that i was before all of this, but i think i have had a lot of help in so many ways, including from my friends.

keep picking up those pennies when you find them!
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/103/story_10399_1.html?WT.mc_id=

mark twain

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

the last of the inspirational poems, part III

Mother to Son
by Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

another inspirational poem, part II

COURAGE -
Anne Sexton

It is in the small things we see it.
The child’s first step,
as awesome as an earthquake.
The first time you rode a bike,
wallowing up the sidewalk.
The first spanking when your heart
went on a journey all alone.
When they called you crybaby
or poor or fatty or crazy
and made you into an alien,
you drank their acidand concealed it.

Later,
if you faced the death of bombs and bullets
you did not do it with a banner,
you did it with only a hat to
cover your heart.
You did not fondle the weakness inside you
though it was there.
Your courage was a small coal
that you kept swallowing.
If your buddy saved you
and died himself in so doing,
then his courage was not courage,
it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.

Later,
if you have endured a great despair,
then you did it alone,
getting a transfusion from the fire,
picking the scabs off your heart,
then wringing it out like a sock.
Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,
you gave it a back rub
and then you covered it with a blanket
and after it had slept a while
it woke to the wings of the roses
and was transformed.

Later,
when you face old age and its natural conclusion
your courage will still be shown in the little ways,
each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen,
those you love will live in a fever of love,
and you’ll bargain with the calendar
and at the last moment
when death opens the back door
you’ll put on your carpet slippers
and stride out.

my favorite inspirational poems, part I

I Am Offering This Poem - Jimmy Santiago Baca

I am offering this poem to you,
since I have nothing else to give.
Keep it like a warm coat,
when winter comes to cover you,
or like a pair of thick socks
the cold cannot bite through

I love you

I have nothing else to give you,
so it is a pot full of yellow corn
to warm your belly in the winter,
it is a scarf for your head, to wear
over your hair, to tie up around your face

I love you

Keep it, treasure it as you would
if you were lost, needing direction,
in the wilderness life becomes when mature;
and in the corner of your drawer,
tucked away like a cabin or a hogan
in dense trees, come knocking,
and I will answer, give you directions,
and let you warm yourself by this fire,
rest by this fire, and make you feel safe

I love you

It's all I have to give,
and it's all anyone needs to live,
and to go on living inside,
when the world outside
no longer cares if you live or die;
remember,

I love you.

the type of person a higher power uses

this morning the message at church was about the type of person god uses, and sammy used the example of mary, who was asked to be the mother of jesus. he didn't pick a person who was ego driven or rich. he picked an ordinary teenager and asked her to get over her fear of criticism by the community and her family. she would also have to conquer a natural fear of the supernatural, which translates into not asking yourself the question "what will happen to me?" a person asked to do something extraordinary will also have a fear of inadequency, feeling like "how can i handle this?" and perhaps the greatest fear is the fear of change, because taking on something huge and different begs the question of "how will this change my life?"

certainly i am not mary and not mothering a saint or god-to-be. i haven't been asked by god to do anything different other than, apparently, to be myself. that in and of itself is a huge separating factor. but i guess the question has to be asked is if i have the desire to do god's will.
sammy rightly stated that those of us anointed to do "dirty work" have to have a lot of humility and some enthusiasm for the task. i can't say i fit that description. but i am also convinced i am being asked to do something special, probably in the area of healing and teaching. however, i feel so off the path of life most of the time that my confidence seems to be as tangible as a wisp of smoke.

the sermon went on to say that god uses people who are willing to pay the cost. well, what if you aren't exactly willing? it involves a lot of hope and trust, and i doubt myself so much. however, when all of these yucky things involving people keep happening to me, i end up not so much bitter and mad as i am sad and wanting to withdraw and get a better, wider perspective. Unfortunately, i am way too human, and i can't just let it flow like water. wish i could, but after awhile, i get scraped so raw that if anyone sucks my air in a room, it will make me mad. i am also not willing to act out the things that i could do to help myself, which is more quiet time and less time doing meaningless things like sitting in front of the tv. i am way too restless, and i think that is just a technique that we learn to keep these problems at bay. as long as i keep occupying myself with drivel, i can keep going. but i am not totally stupid. i know i have to slow down and let it come in and deal with it. i usually do this at night when i am going to sleep, or trying to. in the end, though, if i am to be one who is willing to pay the cost, the question is what am i willing to give up? right now, it would be being part of people and being liked and validated.

what do i desire most? right now it would be to be comfortable in my own skin, to be able to view skeptics and negative people with a sense of detachment. detached=not affected. i would like not to take things so incredibly personally. everything just tears me up? i'd like to say i desire not to be affected by anyone, but i know that would be wrong. no challenges, no growth.

the last part of this sermon involved the fact that god uses people who dare to trust his promise. i am not sure i have been promised anything. i think i innately know i have a purpose and i am somewhat blindly plunging on, but i guess i need to trade in my humanism for an more other-worldly view. sometimes i can do that. but most of the time i am a bad mortal and, boy, a really weak one at that. i am not sure i have any of the qualifications that a higher power would ask for in someone doing his biding for a greater cause.

i guess if i could remove my egotistical need to be validated out of the equation, i might be a lot happier and a lot better to do good works. i would like to do that. i NEED to do that. so why can't i?

life is leveling out...i hope

the sun has just finished up for the day, and so have i.

i am covered in a layer of topsoil and sweat, having finally gotten the new above ground vegetable bed done tonight. bruce next door helped me by drilling the holes in the wooden box and pounding the rebar in a bit. i went after the rest of it with the huge hammer he lent me, not willing to wait for austin to do it tomorrow. nor was i willing to wait to haul the 10 bags of topsoil (at 40 lbs. a piece) to the bed and empty and spread them. i also changed the spool on the weedwacker and went after the weeds in the yard. so the sun came down, the ice cream truck came by and i rewarded myself with a rare nutty buddy which i ate while talking over the fence to my next door neighbor. i didn't get the plants into the planters, but i can do that tomorrow. the only thing i didn't do was build the trellis that i am going to put up for the cukes. i can't punish myself too much over that one, as i didn't get the idea until yesterday when i saw it in a magazine at home desperado.

austin had baseball this weekend, and i got some sunburn and some conversation and socialization in with parents i hadn't seen in awhile. i also went to meg's for a cookout tonight and socialized for an couple of hours, and then came home to the chores. i have about 2 hours of chitchat in me, and then i have to bolt. brenda davis came over this afternoon, and i got my kitchen cleaned really well. brenda, who is a neatnik, would take the broom and sweep your house up and clean for you, so when she comes, i am generally motivated to do stuff around the hacienda. she needs to visit more often, as i would scrub more...

have read some in a new book, THE LAST TEMPLAR, and finished THE TEMPLAR LEGACY. have actually gotten some of the NYTIMES sunday read on sunday which usually doesn't happen. i have my bedroom to clean up and laundry to fold before i can relax, although relaxing isn't something i seem to be able to do with much aplomb.

school will be out in a couple of weeks, and i am still looking for work. bebo cornered me at the ballgame to discuss "things" and we basically agreed to disagree over the child support and what it supports. he thinks he is being generous by giving me what the state is telling me that austin is supposed to get. in his mind, he only is obligated to pay $420/month and the extra $200 is going to austin's college fund and other expenses. in actuality, he is obligated to pay the amount he is paying now, and it only covers his medical expenses. all other things beyond that (baseball expenses, college fund, extras like cleats, etc.) i am now going to be on my own to deal with. i am not happy that at almost 50 years-old i am having to look for a second job. not when my friends are retiring, staying home, or have kids out of college and can do stuff. but the bottom line is, a higher power doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I WILL HANDLE. i always have, i always will. austin will be taken care of, and so will i.

so life has leveled out, although on the surface it seems bumpy. the leveling comes from knowing what is in front of me. i comes from knowing what i have to do, and what i won't be getting. as long as i have the parameters, i can deal with it.

simple pleasures, part II

i have spent an extraordinary amount of time recently either bitching, feeling sorry for myself or hibernating from the world. fortunately, i have realized i am NOT good company, but nonetheless, i am still somewhat disgusted with myself for allowing the glass to get half empty instead of being half full...so tonight, i am going to fill it with a few of my recent small pleasures.

*as i sit here, i am listening to the songs i have downloaded to the i-pod. most of them are oldies or christian things, but i am getting some exercise dancing in my chair while looking at pictures on the internet of cars i can't own..

*white bread sandwiches occasionally are an interesting change of pace. Mayonnaise, salami and i have a quick, disgusting snack that delivers nothing but garlic breath and fat. oh well, shoot me.

*sitting on the back porch and quacking for the ducks has become something fun and silly to do. i am not so sure my neighbors aren't all getting together to have me committed, but that can't be helped. big austin and mike are the regulars these days, although they seem to appear by themselves, confused about where the rest of the gang has gone. they quack, i throw some sort of dough related product to them, courtesy of the librarians at school (this weeks menu: pizza bones and breadsticks from olive garden.)

*on demand free movies on comcast. since i have had to give up direct tv and switch to comcast, i have spent too much time trying to figure out what features are offered and how i can access them via a remote control. i did discover that we have something called ON DEMAND and that gives me some ability to view free movies when i want. i have actually done that, a rarity for me as i don't have much patience these days for sitting still long enough to watch a movie. last weekend, however, i did view THE PRINCE OF TIDES and UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN.

*i played my bass guitar tonight while listening to my christian download music. i am sure my neighbors really enjoyed the fact that i haven't picked up the instrument in about 6 months. that and the wailing i was doing with the headset on probably only added to my legendary nutcase status in this burg...

*"polk salad annie" by tony joe white...what a stupid song...why am i listening to it? why did i download it? yeah, that one and "guitarzan" by ray stevens, another '60's gem. "...polk salad annie, the gator's got your granny...everybody said it was a shame, cause her mama was working on a chain gang..." Pulitzer prize winning lyrics, that one.

*sugar free popsicles. they came, they went. all gone.

*bathtubs. i haven't visited the bottom of mine with my butt in quite awhile. last night i threw myself to the mercy of a soak and it was good.

*having an intellectual conversation with someone is so shocking these days that i almost weep with relief that there are actually humans out there who might actually visit my planet occasionally. this week i did have some conversations with a few people that made me feel slightly enlightened. having these conversations with people walking on 2 legs is much preferable to quacking to ducks and talking to cats...

*cats in general. kitty barometers. you don't have to talk to them and they for the most part aren't overly demanding.

*$2.75 gas. i must have no life if i am spending this much time watching gas prices go up and down...

i want a new car...:)

i had to rent a car when we went to allentown, pa. a few weeks ago, and i ended up with a new hyundai sonata. as i was driving out of the airport, i felt like i had died and gone to heaven. it's not that i have no love for my little car with its 122,000 miles on it. it has been a good car, and it continues to get me where i want to go. however...just for a weekend i experienced what it was like to have a cd player and a headliner in the car...right now i spend too much time picking pieces of foam rubber out of my hair, as that is all that lies between my locks and the roof. the paint on the old girl is peeling away and there is always the smell of antifreeze, although god knows why as i have replaced all of that stuff and there is no leak...in any case, the hyundai was a dream...i stopped at wawa on the way home, got a cup of coffee and called my parents...i guess i am a creature of simple means, but a clean wawa, a cup of decent coffee and a nice, new, clean rental car...well, i felt like i was shittin' in high cotton.

of course, now i am in the hunt for one, and god knows, again, why i continue to torture myself. i can't afford it, period. no doubt, i need a new car, but it likely won't be new or this one...sigh.

oh well, i can dream...

oh, no, i can't...not unless i can pull $300 a month out of my ass...so until then, i will continue to play fred flinstone with my bedrock mobile.

austin's big home run

a couple of weeks ago austin's team played in a super NIT regional baseball tourney to qualify for the nationals in orlando. the tourney was held in allentown, pa. in the championship game, austin hit a home run that went out of the park and landed apparently in someone's yard on the street behind the park. if you can see it, the red X over the right field wall is where i last saw the ball go into the trees and it never came down! a parent went through the door in the outfield wall to find it, and it was beyond the fence. they are estimating the hit was 380-400 feet...pretty good for a 14-year old boy! :) it was a thing of beauty, and if he never hits another one, that would be ok. it was worth the money and the time to have gotten to see something like that for once in my life!

his team won the champtionsip, beating teams from oklahoma city, the #1 seed from new jersey, and others to get to the finals. they beat the philadelphia senators 10-0. since his team had already qualifiedl for the nationals in charlotte, the bid went to the oklahoma team.

self doubt: the needle and the damage done

I am wondering if there is ever going to be a time when i am not plagued with some sort of self-doubt about every choice i seem to make. sounds negative? it is. but i guess i just need to navigate through that desert again...

people just bother me, period. menopause? a need for a drug adjustment? a vacation? i am not sure, and i guess it isn't really going to matter. i can stand in this desert and fry like a piece of bacon, or i can try and slog my way out. right now, the sand is around my ankles and all i seem to do is stumble and fall on another cactus. one more needle, and the damage done.

self-doubt is like a needle that keeps sticking you. it could be a spine from a cactus, one of those little ones that are almost invisible and the more you try and find it and get rid of it, the more embedded and difficult it becomes to relieve yourself of. that would be my constant, ongoing negativity about the demise of my friendship with gwen. It just can’t be resolved nicely or easily. this needle would also be my concern about my decision over moving austin to atlee next year. Certainly when i think i have reached an ok place with this decision, another cactus needle embeds itself on this issue and i am off scrambling to find and extract it.

then there are the big whopping needles like the ones they gave you a shot with when you were a child. the only nice thing about those were that you knew they were coming, sort of, and could prepare yourself a bit. no blindsiding. and once the pain was over, someone gave you a lollipop and a hug and told you what a brave girl you were. where are the lollipops and hugs now? the ongoing financial struggle i am engaged in is that needle, and there really isn’t any way to avoid the sting. grading terrible english papers, dealing with uninterested and unmotivated students are this needle. dealing sometimes with the parental units is this needle. in all cases, you just have to close your eyes, endure, and get up off the gurney, go on.

there are other needles as well, like the thin, daily ones that diabetics take their insulin through. everyday they are checking their blood, giving themselves shots, sticking and stabbing to maintain their health and, thus, their lives. failure to do this results in failure to live. some of the people and issues in my life are starting to feel a lot like having diabetes. i have to constantly check and then keep adjusting my “sugar levels.” the routine doesn’t go away, and neither do the needles. some days it is not a problem, other days it is just pure weariness. today, i am tired of sticking myself. i would like to just resolve myself to the fact that i am a self-doubt diabetic, and just move on. oh, that it were that easy. oh, that i were that strong. plenty of things are the insulin in this particular needle…most of it centered around my view of the world and my deep disappointment in people and their actions in general. for this “diabetic” it is difficult to be “sweet.” it takes more and more to raise me up to the point where I am “level” with the rest of the world.

when i was younger, i wasn’t afraid of much and i spoke up about it a lot. i also was frequently wrong, and determined not to back down, regardless. i was riddled with anxiety a lot because what i really wanted was to be liked and loved. i admit to not being always likeable or loveable, and probably, that hasn’t changed all that much. however, i am less and less interested in people, and most of my life is now run on the concept of avoiding any type of confrontation with anyone over anything. that means i spend too much time being browbeaten a bit because no one is exactly reticent about sharing my flaws with me. no doubts, i am angry, but i just can’t seem to find a way to express it in a meaningful way. suppressing it has made me bitter and withdrawn, expressing it makes me cry and feel guilty for having done so. when i stand up to anyone, i risk getting jabbed with a much bigger needle than anything i could wield. i would love to hurl some of these silly people onto their own cactus and let them suffer a bit. well, i think that is what i want…but generally that thought even makes me tired, and then guilty and then…just sad. i can’t seem to stay mad at anyone for any length of time. truthfully, i wish i could. i wish i just didn't care. how does everyone else in the world manage to not care, but i do? it sucks. this was never a problem when I was young…and the trade off was having anxiety attacks and stress and stomach issues because I was ALWAYS mad. Where is the middle ground?

as austin would say, i need to "cry me a river, build a bridge and then get over it..." however, knowing all of this does not make it any easier to get to a good place.

pennies for mike m

the boys are playing in petersburg at the sports complex again this weekend. this tournament is a qualifier for the state USSSA tournament. our boys went 2-0 today, winning easily. last weekend they qualified for the nationals by placing 2nd in the NIT tournament in charlotte. that definitely puts me in orlando the first week of august...another exciting vacation in somalia...god, it is miserably hot in orlando in august...

one of the boys on austin's team, mike (known as M&M) has been struggling for awhile both at the bat and on the field. it seems that everyone has lost confidence in him, including the players and the parents. mike needs a break and a boost.

i made my traditional sojourn to wawa this morning, finding 2 pennies on the floor in unusual places. i pocketed them and went and watched the morning game. the sun was out, it was cool and pleasant. we were winning, but once again m&m was struggling and bombed at the bat. we went on to win the game, and i was remembering last weekend and mike's struggles all weekend. one of the parents had been critical of a dropped pop fly in the outfield and mike's mother had defended him. i had felt caught in the middle, literally, between the two of them, as i would have never said anything as the one parent did, but i also had thought mike should have made the play.

on my way to do concessions i found another penny on the ground in the dirt and decided then to give this particular one to mike. i walked over and sat down next to him on the steps in front of concessions and handed him the penny i had just found in the dirt. i thought that would be a more special angel penny, as it was hard to see and not in my usual fast food location! i wasn't sure how mike would take this, as he has a tendency to be a little goofy sometimes, and after all, he is a 14 year-old boy! anyway, i started out telling him it was a "lucky penny" and then went on to tell him HOW it got to be lucky and that it was an angel penny. i told him he needed to hold on to it, as it thought that he needed an angel, and now he had one watching him. his mother drifted over and i repeated to her what i had told mike. he seemed to really buy into the whole thing, and then i looked down at the dirt in front of mike and me...and there was another penny! i picked it up and handed it to him and told him "now, you have 2 angels! you are gonna do great in the next game!"

i missed the first hour of the game, but mike's mother came in to take over concessions and said the penny was working...mike had gotten a hit! when i got to the game, i started talking to everyone, saying i KNEW mike was gonna get another hit truthfully, the parents around me were scoffing, saying "yeah, uh huh!" but then he was at bat, and there came the hit...he did it! it was a double and he knocked in 2 runs! then he got on base again...when he got hit! but then came the real trial...they put him in to pitch.

m&m pitched 2 innings, and he got them out the first inning..1,2,3! then he came back and fanned the next 3 batters! it was HUGE! i was so happy for him! the whole time i was doing a distance reiki healing on him, telling him to believe he was "calm, focused and relaxed." he was!

after the game, i went over to him and gave him a big hug! he was all smiles and his eyes were really bright and lit up! he said he was gonna hang on to those pennies! one of the other kids came over and started pointing at mike saying "PENNIES! PENNIES!" and nodding yes vigorously! mike said "i am going to hold on to these! they really did work!" i reminded him that he had angels...all he had to do was ask for them. i expect that tomorrow he might not have as good a game maybe, but today was a good start on the way back.

all you got to do with those angels is ask! :)

the sun sets on yet another spring break...:)

austin has been with his dad this weekend, who continues to keep me off balance via his un-bebolike behavior. today he brought austin to easter sunday services. i couldn't have been more surprised if jesus had walked into the services in a giant bunny suit. he actually seemed to be enjoying himself. i was a greeter, so i spent most of the time standing at the door handing out programs. the message today was that god loves you no matter what you do or how stupid you act. gee, do you suppose an angel got the beeb up this morning and said, go take the child, but most importantly, take yourself. it wasn't like anyone has been trying to convert him, but he seems to get "messages" f rom the most unlikely of places and has been known to act on them. being in a church today might have been enough to drive him back to his buddhist monastery, but hopefully it will drive him towards something, anything.

i spent the bulk of the day in pursuit of 2 things: actually reading the whole NYTIMES on the day it was delivered (i still have the book section left) and weeding/planting seeds. i got some of the seeds done outdoors just at dusk. the weeding i did in the afternoon along with potting some new plants and clearing out some old ones. i moved the two trees back out of the house and on the porch where they are now all on their own for survival.

when i was pulling weeds at the foot of the sidewalk, i pulled up a huge clump of grass and in the ground was a small, painted turtle! i was a bit more freaked out (hmmm, bebo in church, turtle in ground...) and took it over to the waterfall pond and put it on the rocks. it wasted no time going somewhere, as when i went back about 10 minutes later, he has vamoosed. there were other nature events today on EASY's pond...the boyfriend of a neighbor who lives across the street asked me if he could fish in the pond and i said, sure. he wanted to know if there were bass in there, and i said there was rumored to be an 8lb. bass in there that had been caught a couple of years ago by the son of brian, the gameskeeper for the wilderness behind me. within 15 minutes, robert was running up the hill to my porch (i was on the phone and planting seeds) with a HUGE FISH AND I MEAN HUGE! this thing was a WHOPPER...it was the mythical bass. i took pictures of it for robert on his digital camera, and i also took pictures on my little disposable one. no one would likely believe it if there weren't pictures. robert put the fish back (he does catch and release) and while i was talking to him, he snagged another bass, this one smaller, and it got away. he is using some sort of plastic lizard lure that must work obviously! in talking to robert, i learned that fish do know when you come to feed them and they will gather. robert talked about his grandfather who used to feed fish in a pond and knocked on the pier at the same time each day and beaucoup fish would appear!

the four ducks had already been up to the porch, where tonight they dined upon fat free crackers and then retreated in a line to the pond. coming up to the house, they were marching in order of size, with big austin leading the pack! they are flying in in the afternoon, sort of like a fowl version of air tran...short trips hopping from pond to pond, to return to the hanger at dusk...

i am not at all enthused about going to work in the morning. most of this is based upon the fact that i have been to myself and quiet all week. i have not particularly missed the sounds of human voices or conversation. i have gotten to choose when i talked and with whom. i have spent a lot of time looking at plants and going to places to buy them. yesterday morning i went up to beaverdam to the ashland berry farm to look at plants and their big pond area. it was the first time i had seen all the types of fish you can buy for koi ponds, and they also had bullfrog tadpoles as well! i enjoyed looking at the 10 or so different ponds that they had set up, although i couldn't afford to build any of them. the ride up there was pretty nice and relaxing, and i was thinking the whole way how i had never been in that part of the county before and how quaint it was. i thought about how it would be to live in a rural area like that. on the way back from there i stopped at 3 junk/antique shops looking for things to build fountains out of. i did find exactly what i was looking for, which was an old watering can. there were a few interesting things, but oddly enough, looking in these places was depressing to me. it was like each place was a collection of the detrius of life...and yet people, including me, were plundering through there buying stuff that no one needs.

in any case, spring has sprung.

things to be grateful for...

...that my cars can be repaired, and that i was able to pull $1000 out of my savings to pay for them.
...that my knees aren't hurting as bad and that i was able to get some sleep this week.
...that i have good friends like taylor and pam who are paying for my airfare via american express points and don't want to argue with me about it.
...that i have a good friend like linda who wants pam and i to share her condo vacation in pagosa springs, colorado in june. we are celebrating our 50th birthdays together!
...that the ducks are still around and the fish know me.
...that i still have ideas for pottery and fountains.
...that i can still learn stuff. for instance, did you know that fish will eat popcorn and crackers?
...that i have enough money to buy plants.
...that people like the massages that i give them.
...most especially, that my son still wants to talk to me about his feelings, especially at his age. i don't know how long that will last, but i am grateful for it now.
...that there are some people out there who love austin for who he is, not just what he can do with a baseball bat or a basketball.
...that it has rained, finally, and i got the sunset maple tree planted today. also, that austin managed to NOT cut the phone line with the pickaxe...i discovered the line BEFORE he could do it any big damage...
...that i can still play the guitar when i want. last night, when i was playing with carter, was the first time i had played in probably a year. i enjoyed it.
...that i can now sleep on my stomach. i wasn't able to do that for a long, long time.
...that someone actually thinks i have lost weight. brenda davis walked in tonight and said immediately that i had lost weight since the last time i had seen her.
...that god invented wawa tea, wyler's diet lemonade, and walmart grape sugar free Koolaid!
...that i am still finding angel pennies...and apparently, angel dollars! a couple of weeks ago i found $25.11 in the wawa in petersburg...i gave the $25 back to the church.
...that my cats still love me, and that the peeper frogs are out, although i haven't heard much from them in the last week.
...that there are still some chilly mornings and days. i hate hot weather, and it is coming...!
...that my friend mary has finally, after 26 years, found the love of her life and is emailing him. she always wondered what happened to him, and she finally was able to find him via the internet. i have always thought that would happen. it has taken a lot of years, and no one knows what will become of it, but it has always been unfinished business for her. right now, it is making her happy, and that is a good thing.
...that pam still has big rocks on her farm and i can go and get them whenever i want them! also, that austin and carter had a good time together yesterday, as austin needs a male friend. they apparently talked and had a good time while they were out.
...that my mother and father are enjoying relatively good health, and that my mother's rotator cuff surgery went well today. i am also appreciative of the aunties still being around, as well as my other relatives. i have been very lucky to have had them all in my life for so long.
...that is is warm enough for me to wear my birkenstocks again!
...that i still get signals from the angels...as i am writing this, i have on xm radio from the 40's and the song playing is...''pennies from heaven"...go figure! :)

easy meets sue monk kidd, famous author...

last saturday i was a greeter/volunteer at my church for the appearance of writer sue monk kidd. she is currently on a book tour and came to our church to promote her new book THE MERMAID CHAIR. she is more famous for the first of her fiction books, THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES. she was very well spoken and had a lot of humor. there were a fair number of people there, over 600 they said. my ex-sister-in-law, terre, and i worked together directing people into the building. for being greeters, we could sit on the first 2 rows in the church, but we ended up sitting in the back. the women's group at the church had put together little gift bags with water, a honey stick, and cd's and information from the church. bruce and chris, the two major church band leaders, led the group in singing "amazing grace" and it was sort of like the hallelujah chorus with all of those people singing. after she spoke and answered questions, she also signed books. i had her sign atlee's copy of THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES. i ended up buying THE MERMAID CHAIR and having her sign that as well, and i am going to give it to the school. she was very gracious, very southern, and very relaxed. i heard that before she spoke, she was a bit reserved, but after sammy, the minister, and susan hudgins (who brought her to the church) had spoken, she relaxed a bit. good for her! good for everyone. it is always nice to be able to meet literary people.

spring break

we have, mercifully, been out of school on spring break this week, and boy, did i need the down time. unfortunately, i am never satisfied unless i get 12,000 things done, and this week, i didn't come close. i often wonder why i just can't relax and let it flow like water, as my friend meg would say.

i did do a lot of things. today austin and i finally finished planting the tree that we started planting on sunday. i finally found out why i can't get trees to grow in this yard: about 2 feet down is a solid base of clay. we actually used a pickaxe to try and break it up, and even that didn't work much. i finally just bought topsoil and filled it in as best i could. in keeping with the landscaping theme, i also bought the stuff to make another above ground bed for my vegetables, and i bought some snapdragons and petunias and planted them in the window boxes on the porch. yesterday austin and i went up to amelia and pam and i toodled around the farm in the golf cart and picked up rocks for another one of my projects. i had been out on wednesday to a rock place and had priced rocks and decided with my lack of finances, buying rock didn't make much sense. tomorrow i am going to go up to ashland berry farm and look around at what they have and other than great big greenhouse, i will be close to finishing round one of my nursery and plants circuit. i have been looking at pictures in my books and on the internet of some possible projects, including another fountain, and i am thinking that i am going to make a few of them. i can make an above ground fountain that might be pretty cool. i just don't know exactly where i can put it, but i am thinking about it. right now, it is just a big pile of rock in the front yard, an idea waiting to happen. tomorrow i am hoping to finally get the tiller going and to dig up the backyard bed that i want to do as phase 3 of the 5 year plan. i am not sure exactly what i am going to do yet, but i guess if i at least dig up the dirt, that will force me on to something!

there wasn't much travel this week, although i had hoped idealistically to do a day trip with austin. we did go to the beach to visit with mom and dad. mom had made barbecue and the aunties came out for dinner and visited with us. we spent the night and went back on tuesday. we stopped at trader joe's in newport news and bought guacamole and marinara sauce and then we stopped at the pottery, where i bought some plants and checked things out. the only other traveling done was up to amelia yesterday, where austin and carter hung out and went to wal-mart, a first actually, in that austin went off in a car for the first time with a teen. it was good for him, as the two of them talked apparently about girls and their mutual problems with girls that they like, but who won't take an interest in them because they are their "buddies" and therefore aren't candidates for anything more. we ended up eating hamburgers there, and carter and i sat out on the new outdoors porch and played guitars. i taught him how to play the beatles "blackbird" and while we played, austin amused himself by throwing sticks at squirrels in the big old oak tree in the backyard. he actually hit one of them in the ass, which was pretty funny. what was more funny is how completely asinine he was throwing stick after stick, over and over, just like a damned golden retriever! small minds, easily gratified.

i have managed to get some house chores done such as scrubbing the kitchen floors, cleaning out the refrigerator, replacing the lightbulbs that had burned out all over the house and doing laundry. there are plenty of things to finish, such as running the sweeper. i am also finishing up jen chamber's kayaking pottery piece, which has to have a sealant put inside so it doesn't leak.

one of the things i have gotten hooked on this week is communing with the ducks and fish. i have walked out to the berm and fed the fish most nights, and have seen turtles a couple of times. it is very peaceful out there. my cattails and lily pads are coming in, and that is good. i have been buying some seeds and need to get them planted, something that has been on the agenda for weeks. i need to move the dead plants outside (moved the two trees today) and then get going with the seedlings.

pam and i decided to fly to albuequerque in june and then go up to pagosa springs. taylor got the tickets with his american express points and i am going to try and get the rental car with my points. we now need to start planning what we are going to do. i can't believe that i will actually get a second chance at new mexico after having missed it last year. one of the things pam and i are doing is to go to four corners and also to mesa verde national park where the cliff dwellings are. beyond that, i am not sure what we are going to do, other than this trip takes us north vs. the last trip which was to the south.

the power of friends

i was a greeter at church yesterday, the first time i had ever done anything like that, and i enjoyed it. it forced me to introduce myself to people i don't know and to be a bit jolly. i also got to talk to some of the people i sort of know, and one of them ended up sitting with me during church, which was nice, as i was alone.

sammy's sermon was the second one in a series called "THE POWER OF LOVE" and this week he concentrated on friendships. i have had a lot of reason to be thinking about that from numerous angles.

i am not much on making new friends, and probably it is because when i have done that in recent years, i always get burned. it is hard for me to fathom sometimes that there are levels in friendships and most definitely walls that can't be crossed. most of the new friends i have made have been through austin's baseball teams. many of these people have been around for years, and you get used to them and sort of close because you are spending so much time together. but there are dynamics that are sometimes weird and a lot of dangers.

austin's recent fight with chris is one example. chris' mother, gwen, and i are friends (or were) above and beyond the boys, who really don't like each other. i have always realized how gwen was about chris and i respected that, along with her prejudices and fears about a lot of things that i found in some cases amusing. i think she sort of tolerates me, or likes me in certain situations. we had gotten to be pretty good friends, doing stuff together, and i miss her. i know how she is, and i always found that there were just some things that weren't going to change and it was who she is. that is basically one of the things sammy was talking about yesterday. he said that a friend accepts you for who you are and doesn't spend all of her time trying to fix you to be the way she wants you to be. i don't think i ever did that with gwen. despite differences, i like her.

yesterday, for the first time since the boy's fight, i saw her at a baseball game. i waved at her and she ignored me and walked right past me. austin was with me and said "gee, that was cold." it was and it sort of made me very sad. it isn't like i didn't expect it, but i didn't expect that. in any case, that seems to be what is going to be happening for awhile. i am sure at some point we will speak, but it never should have gotten to this point. however, i always knew the one verboten subject was anything having to do with chris' or his behavior. hence, i have let all of this stuff slide for years. but when this fight occured, it couldn't go any further. i asked to have a conference with them at school to discuss it, but it never materialized. austin said that they did come to school for a conference, but i don't know about what or why. i was pretty vocal with austin's teachers via email about my displeasure with the whole setup, and i am still discouraged with the behavior of the adults in this whole mess. you would think the way everyone has done things that this fight was between frazier and ali or mike tyson. never have i seen such petty behavior and "involvement" amongst adults, and i admit to being in it somewhat at the beginning. i have been waiting for things to die on this one, but i keeps lingering. why?

i did get what i perceived as the cold shoulder from some individuals yesterday, and i am not looking forward to what i have to deal with once this middle school baseball season starts.

the big question is why i should even care. i am not mad. i am just discouraged with the way people act. austin saw this first hand yesterday and it made him mad. i don't try and shield him, and i will answer his questions. it also might be good for him to see that adults make mistakes and have a variety of reasons for their behaviors.

we went through the drive thru at burger king after this happened, and i opened up the door and picked up 24 cents in change....angel pennies? i guess i just need to let it go, as it really is out of my hands, and i believe that things happen for a reason.

people make me tired. ducks and cats are easy...

of ducks and fish and life...

the duck dynamics on the pond have changed, and it is interesting. once again, i am struck by how much this situation reflects on real life around me.

first, the ducks are a little more domesticated. they are now sleeping in the yard by the shed and come out when i call them. i have been feeding them bread and the deer corn. i cannot tell who is eating up all of this corn, but i am thinking the deer are making midnight runs. the ducks are chowing down, but won't get any closer to me than about 5 or 6 feet. that's fine. they aren't meant to be pets.

the ducks usually travel in a herd and they fly and wander around the neighborhood. sometimes big austin is not with them. recently i came home and big austin was standing in the backyard quacking miserably, as the other 3 were gone. it was sort of sad! he didn't want any food, only the others. in the morning they were all 4 sunning on the berm. all quackers happy...:)

socially, a few things have changed as well. big austin and mike swim together, and big austin has taking to chasing chris duck, who is still hanging with girl, who doesn't seem interested in any of them. she does her own thing, the others follow her. the boy ducks are fighting more. big austin really goes after chris duck, which is pretty funny. they got into it saturday in the backyard, and when they finished squawking and pecking, they all just sort of relaxed and stood around and groomed themselves! i guess this is more or less how middleschoolers do things...the girl is the center, the boys argue and fight and preen in front of them, then they go and do what they want.

sometimes the ducks are off visiting other places when i come out in the afternoon, so i still go down on the berm and throw bread to the fish. that is interesting, as there are probably 20 or more brim that will come almost up to the shore to feed. they will jump out of the water, and i think they can see me on the shore, for when i move, they scurry away. they return when i stop walking and start throwing the bread! i find this fun, as i have never really seen fish up close like that before, and i find it sort of comforting.

yesterday i worked on the fountain/pond i built in the front yard. i needed to clean it out, replace the plastic tubing on the fountain and generally clean up. i cut all the ornamental grasses back and then refilled the pond. the ducks came wandering up, and before i could get the pond filled, mike was in the pond, ass up! this was a hoot! john, the little 2 year-old next door, and i fed them birdseed out of my feeders and they quacked and kept coming back and forth until dusk. they seemed to take turns diving into the little pond, although god knows what they thought they would find in there! i had dipped all of the muck out, and put my horsetails and bonsai grasses back in and turned up the speed on the water. it is now louder, and certainly more entertaining with mallards swimming in it. imagine a bathtub with ducks...

duck and boy update

my austin is finally out of ISS and seems to be doing ok. somehow the school mediation thing seems to be dragging on, much to my chagrin. i would like to have this chapter over and done with. however, the mediation between austin and chris has not happened yet and seems to be in a stall mode despite my attempts to get it done.

the 4 ducks are still on the pond and have become more animated and interesting. they now come up in the yard and before i went out there yesterday, they were all squatted down by the willow tree just hanging out. i have fed them deer corn as well as the bread and they seem to look forward to it. the social structure, however, has had some changes made.

big austin is chasing mike back, but he and mike still seem to hang together in the pond. chris duck is still all over girl duck, but i am seeing a lot of slinking necks and yapping and spitting at each other. girl duck seems to be the focal point of everything fight oriented. i guess it it mating season. now big austin and mike are chasing chris duck too, so i guess girl duck is fair game, sort of. chris duck seems to be the most interested, and rarely leaves her side, as if he has to guard her from the other two. neither mike or big austin seem to be overly interested in girl duck, but they are still there.

just like life, the social dynamics change as life goes on.

a drive in the sunshine on a nice day

i went to the V.S.T.E. conference in roanoke sunday, monday and tuesday and stayed with my old friends tom and cindy. the conference is rotated between roanoke and virginia beach, so i get to stay with tom and cindy every other year. this year they had added an addition on to their house, which was fabulous! we had a great time catching up, and i am always reminded that when i am with them, i am relaxed. that doesn't seem to happen everywhere unfortunately. i actually did sleep for the two nights i was there.

the conference was ok, nothing special. i gave my presentation to a grand total of 4 people, which didn't seem like it was worth it, but maybe it was. at least those 4 really must have been interested. i packed up and left around noon and decided to take the back roads home instead of the dreaded interstate.

i listened to several cd's from church on the way back, and i decided in appomattox to get off and take the 2 lanes home. it was a cool, crisp day, with a lot of wind, but things were bright and clean and i appreciated where i was and what i was doing. i was reminded how many times i took this route 30 years ago when i came home for weekends from college, and how much the road has changed. only once did i do the back route from appomattox. usually we just went to amelia and my parents came up to pam's house and picked me up. this time i was actually traversing the road and looking at things.

i went past the historical park where the civil war ended and made a mental note that it might be the place to visit with austin, maybe over spring break. i also noticed that there were still places where there is nothing but trees and fields, with few inhabitants. it is still hilly up there, and i enjoyed the sense of being "rural" and then slowly reemerging back into the hub-bub of richmond. i wasn't in a hurry, and that was the best part of it. i didn't feel like i had to be anywhere, and somehow being on the interstate subconciously i think makes you feel that you need to get home quick.

i was ready to be home when i got there, but i went outside and fed my ducks and sort of walked around with my ipod stuck in my ears listening to more of the church music. i have tried to keep this feeling going over the last couple of days, which is to say that i have continued to listen to the music and take my walks with the ducks and just sit outside when i can. i like the calm. being back in school has made me aggitated, and i don't much like that at all.

it goes to show, i guess, that you can carve out a little peace and sunshine when you think about it. everyone should try and capture those little moments when you can.

big austin...a duck, and a boy

one of the librarians at school gave me her collection of frozen bread because she knew i had ducks out on the pond. i spent an hour or so processing the bread into small enough pieces that the 3 males and one female duck could at least have a small feast on occasion. some of these pieces of bread probably were excavated from an egyptian crypt, as they were hard enough to kill someone if you threw it at them. as it was, when i tossed a couple of these grenades into the pond, they floated around for a long, long time, and 3 of the ducks wouldn't even give these bullets a try...but one did, the duck i now call "big austin."

i had a lot of things to think about as i sat there on my bench on the berm. there has been a lot of drama in this house for months, most of it centered in some way around austin. bebo has broken up with jacquie and it has been ugly. austin, unfortunately, has been affected by all of the goings on in that area, and i have had to spend time trying to make it ok for him. i fell in the street about a month ago when walking, and that has set off a flare with my fibromyalgia. that has resulted in my not sleeping for about 3 weeks now, along with the other symptoms of pain, fibro fog, and IBS. that affects austin, as i am too exhausted to be able to do all the things i want or need to do. then austin himself got into a fight at school 2 weeks ago, resulting in a suspension of 10 days from the premises.

it was the fight and the circumstances i was thinking about as i sat by the pond with my bag of duck bullets. i was noticing the way the ducks were interacting with each other and saw a parallel to my life, and most especially, to austin's.

the three mallard males are quite lovely, with their teal colored heads and beautiful feathers. two of the males stayed in a group with the lone female, but one of the males, the biggest one, was by himself, sailing on the periphery of the other three.

when i threw out the first of the duck bombs, the larger one sailed over immediately to get the bread. the others were a little slower to come and there was plenty of bread. however, one of the smaller mail ducks sailed immediately over the the big one and started pecking and chasing him. the big duck moved away. the little duck didn't immediately go for the food. in fact, he didn't seem all that interested in it. the girl duck was eating and seemed to be oblivious to it all. the big duck sailed around sort of nonchalantly and then sailed back slowly. i threw bread to him and to the others. everyone had bread. but the little duck who was attacking seemed determined to make sure that the big duck was not a part of the party. and then i laughed.

i named the big duck "big austin" because he reminds me so much of my austin. what was happening to him was the same as austin. big austin was most interested in food; in fact, he was the only one attempting to try and eat the cement like golf balls of bread that i was throwing in the pond. my austin will eat anything and mostly doesn't care if the others around him tease him over the food quantities or types of food he eats. the little, mean duck reminds me of his tormenter at school, chris, who stays in the background and then either "pecks" himself or sends another "duck" (boy duck #2) to do the pecking. the girl duck is pretty oblivious to the goings on's of the fighting dufus ducks. big austin doesn't fight with the little ducks. he just sails away for awhile and then comes back. he doesn't exactly try and join the group, but he is definitely not a part of the inner circle. he follows them, but sometimes he just ignores them and does his thing. he was the first up on the bank to get the good duck bread, and of course, the others came up and pecked him. he hung around on the fringes and i threw him stuff for him, but the other 2 brat boys wouldn't let him too close. he was tolerated, but not welcomed.

this is how my austin is with kids. it makes me a lot sad. he is bigger, and not accepted 100 percent. however, he, like big austin, seems to be able to sail away on his own and recover. he comes back, but seems to know he will be pecked if he gets too close. sometimes he does deliberately get close, full well knowing that he is being annoying and he will cause a problems. however, he knows that the pond does not belong to just these other 3 ducks. big austin swims around on his own, he climbs out and walks around, and he is the prettiest and most graceful of the 4 ducks. you get the feeling that he doesn't know this, which is part of what makes you like him best of all.

i have a lot to think and smile about when i visit big austin and the rest of the ducks with my big bag of bread.