tomorrow i begin a new part time job teaching advanced composition at j. sargent reynolds community college. i am a little apprehensive about it, as i really don't know what exactly i am supposed to be teaching, and it has been 15 years since i taught a college course. they gave me a book, and i did make a syllabus, but i still don't know exactly what i am heading towards. i guess that has a lot to do with my confidence. i am hoping i will gather a bit of that as time moves on.
this summer has been a good one and a changing one for me. i have done a lot of traveling and have rented a lot of cars! austin's team took 3rd in the USSSA national tournament in orlando, and he did pretty well. the team split up a bit, and he has stayed with the coaches and will be playing with older kids. i have seen a lot of maturity on his part this summer and he has started to be less of a pill and more of a person. i am still amazed that he talks to me about things, including sex and girls and not just baseball. he has been pretty cooperative as far as doing things around here, and he knows now what is required to keep his lifestyle afloat. he has also sort of come into his own socially. he hasn't heard all summer from any of the boys he went to school with, as i expected. however, he has had a very active IM, phone and visiting social life with haley, riley, caitlin and a few others all summer. he has gone to their houses and out to the movies. i ended up getting him a cell phone because bebo never got around to doing so, as expected. he has been pretty responsible with it and knows the rules. we have had it pretty much open around here all summer and he has spent a lot of time by himself here or staying with the hackers or visiting little mike or jordan. i feel a bit guilty about leaving him so much because i did it for selfish reasons...i was off doing my own things.
i spent a lot of the summer following pam around and doing things with her. truthfully, i spent the summer acting like a teenager with a best friend. that suited me, and i could do it, so i did. however, the summer is over and i won't be able to hang out with my playmate like i did before. we have been working with the plants, putting up cuttings and preparing for the fall. i have enjoyed doing that, as it was always something i wanted to do, and i couldn't think of a better person to do it with than pam. it has taken some getting used to being with someone and not having to feel that any silence needs to be filled. since we are so opposite, i spend a lot of time doing a lot of talking and prodding and asking of questions just to keep the frequency open. however, even i know there is a point where you don't have to talk. i haven't done so well at this, but i have tried a bit more. basically, you do reach a point where you don't have anything to talk about and all the old stuff has been hashed and rehashed over and over again.
in any case, i have made some good changes i think this summer, but it has been a summer of change, and now i have to learn to live with the changes or not. i am struggling again with the eating issue, but i do think a good part of that has been chemical in the last week or so. i was in remission for about 6 weeks, but started coming out of it the week we were in orlando at the first of the month. i pulled an all nighter driving down to florida, and that was preceded by a week of worry and stress over the trip, just the kind of things that will flip the switch on the fibro. financial issues have reared their ugly heads once again, and i know i have spent some money this summer traveling. now the cold reality of paying for it is hitting, but i know what i have to do. i have the j. sarge job and i am going to work the football games at school on friday nights as well as saturday school. this will earn me some money to pay off the bills and maybe help towards xmas which will be coming up sooner than anyone can imagine.
my biggest problem has always been having something to look forward to, and this summer i have operated on a daily/weekly basis which has been fine. however, i won't be able to take off to amelia at the drop of a hat as i have, and i am going to have to push myself out of my comfort zone with people. i know i have insulated myself from my "normal" daily life by hanging out and contacting only the people i wanted to see or talk to. i did this on purpose because it made me feel better and more relaxed. i haven't talked to my brother since june and he hasn't called me either. i haven't wanted to call him because he drags me down sometimes. i also have avoided a few other people as well. going back to school, however, will put me back in the stew that is the english department, and that does stress me a bit.
i have done some good things this summer, some productive things, and some creative things. i put together my R. E. B. proposal and got it in way before the deadline. i made two birthday videos for pam and linda. i wrote the whole "pam and ellen's excellent new mexico adventure" blog and put it up. (http://madridnm.blogspot.com/) i also turned it into a little mini-book on publisher for pam and linda. i also have a scrapbook of the new mexico experience that is almost finished. i have lots of pictures and have learned how to use the digital camera. what i haven't done much of is clean house, garden here or do the beds that i had planned to do. wood bought, rebar bought, beds never done. oh well. i also have done very little reading, which is unusual for me as well. i have been pretty restless and overly focused on what i wanted to be focused upon, good or bad. i haven't had too many temper tantrums and few arguments with austin. i have stood up for myself with bebo and my parents, all of which is good. i haven't exercised, but i do have a tan. i have learned about rental cars and how to get them!
what am i looking forward to now? losing some more weight, going up to tech for a football game weekend with pam, seeing how austin does in school this fall, seeing how i am going to balance school, jobs, socializing, the greenhouse and new stuff. the key is to take it easy while doing it i guess.
since i have been back from new mexico, i have found maybe 3 or 4 pennies. i think this is interesting and definitely a sign. i think the angels helped me while i truly needed the help. they kept me going and kept me strong enough so i could get where i needed to get to heal myself. the glow is off as time has passed, but i have to remind myself about how i felt, and hope that i can keep that flow.
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