this morning the message at church was about the type of person god uses, and sammy used the example of mary, who was asked to be the mother of jesus. he didn't pick a person who was ego driven or rich. he picked an ordinary teenager and asked her to get over her fear of criticism by the community and her family. she would also have to conquer a natural fear of the supernatural, which translates into not asking yourself the question "what will happen to me?" a person asked to do something extraordinary will also have a fear of inadequency, feeling like "how can i handle this?" and perhaps the greatest fear is the fear of change, because taking on something huge and different begs the question of "how will this change my life?"
certainly i am not mary and not mothering a saint or god-to-be. i haven't been asked by god to do anything different other than, apparently, to be myself. that in and of itself is a huge separating factor. but i guess the question has to be asked is if i have the desire to do god's will.
sammy rightly stated that those of us anointed to do "dirty work" have to have a lot of humility and some enthusiasm for the task. i can't say i fit that description. but i am also convinced i am being asked to do something special, probably in the area of healing and teaching. however, i feel so off the path of life most of the time that my confidence seems to be as tangible as a wisp of smoke.
the sermon went on to say that god uses people who are willing to pay the cost. well, what if you aren't exactly willing? it involves a lot of hope and trust, and i doubt myself so much. however, when all of these yucky things involving people keep happening to me, i end up not so much bitter and mad as i am sad and wanting to withdraw and get a better, wider perspective. Unfortunately, i am way too human, and i can't just let it flow like water. wish i could, but after awhile, i get scraped so raw that if anyone sucks my air in a room, it will make me mad. i am also not willing to act out the things that i could do to help myself, which is more quiet time and less time doing meaningless things like sitting in front of the tv. i am way too restless, and i think that is just a technique that we learn to keep these problems at bay. as long as i keep occupying myself with drivel, i can keep going. but i am not totally stupid. i know i have to slow down and let it come in and deal with it. i usually do this at night when i am going to sleep, or trying to. in the end, though, if i am to be one who is willing to pay the cost, the question is what am i willing to give up? right now, it would be being part of people and being liked and validated.
what do i desire most? right now it would be to be comfortable in my own skin, to be able to view skeptics and negative people with a sense of detachment. detached=not affected. i would like not to take things so incredibly personally. everything just tears me up? i'd like to say i desire not to be affected by anyone, but i know that would be wrong. no challenges, no growth.
the last part of this sermon involved the fact that god uses people who dare to trust his promise. i am not sure i have been promised anything. i think i innately know i have a purpose and i am somewhat blindly plunging on, but i guess i need to trade in my humanism for an more other-worldly view. sometimes i can do that. but most of the time i am a bad mortal and, boy, a really weak one at that. i am not sure i have any of the qualifications that a higher power would ask for in someone doing his biding for a greater cause.
i guess if i could remove my egotistical need to be validated out of the equation, i might be a lot happier and a lot better to do good works. i would like to do that. i NEED to do that. so why can't i?
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