big austin...a duck, and a boy

one of the librarians at school gave me her collection of frozen bread because she knew i had ducks out on the pond. i spent an hour or so processing the bread into small enough pieces that the 3 males and one female duck could at least have a small feast on occasion. some of these pieces of bread probably were excavated from an egyptian crypt, as they were hard enough to kill someone if you threw it at them. as it was, when i tossed a couple of these grenades into the pond, they floated around for a long, long time, and 3 of the ducks wouldn't even give these bullets a try...but one did, the duck i now call "big austin."

i had a lot of things to think about as i sat there on my bench on the berm. there has been a lot of drama in this house for months, most of it centered in some way around austin. bebo has broken up with jacquie and it has been ugly. austin, unfortunately, has been affected by all of the goings on in that area, and i have had to spend time trying to make it ok for him. i fell in the street about a month ago when walking, and that has set off a flare with my fibromyalgia. that has resulted in my not sleeping for about 3 weeks now, along with the other symptoms of pain, fibro fog, and IBS. that affects austin, as i am too exhausted to be able to do all the things i want or need to do. then austin himself got into a fight at school 2 weeks ago, resulting in a suspension of 10 days from the premises.

it was the fight and the circumstances i was thinking about as i sat by the pond with my bag of duck bullets. i was noticing the way the ducks were interacting with each other and saw a parallel to my life, and most especially, to austin's.

the three mallard males are quite lovely, with their teal colored heads and beautiful feathers. two of the males stayed in a group with the lone female, but one of the males, the biggest one, was by himself, sailing on the periphery of the other three.

when i threw out the first of the duck bombs, the larger one sailed over immediately to get the bread. the others were a little slower to come and there was plenty of bread. however, one of the smaller mail ducks sailed immediately over the the big one and started pecking and chasing him. the big duck moved away. the little duck didn't immediately go for the food. in fact, he didn't seem all that interested in it. the girl duck was eating and seemed to be oblivious to it all. the big duck sailed around sort of nonchalantly and then sailed back slowly. i threw bread to him and to the others. everyone had bread. but the little duck who was attacking seemed determined to make sure that the big duck was not a part of the party. and then i laughed.

i named the big duck "big austin" because he reminds me so much of my austin. what was happening to him was the same as austin. big austin was most interested in food; in fact, he was the only one attempting to try and eat the cement like golf balls of bread that i was throwing in the pond. my austin will eat anything and mostly doesn't care if the others around him tease him over the food quantities or types of food he eats. the little, mean duck reminds me of his tormenter at school, chris, who stays in the background and then either "pecks" himself or sends another "duck" (boy duck #2) to do the pecking. the girl duck is pretty oblivious to the goings on's of the fighting dufus ducks. big austin doesn't fight with the little ducks. he just sails away for awhile and then comes back. he doesn't exactly try and join the group, but he is definitely not a part of the inner circle. he follows them, but sometimes he just ignores them and does his thing. he was the first up on the bank to get the good duck bread, and of course, the others came up and pecked him. he hung around on the fringes and i threw him stuff for him, but the other 2 brat boys wouldn't let him too close. he was tolerated, but not welcomed.

this is how my austin is with kids. it makes me a lot sad. he is bigger, and not accepted 100 percent. however, he, like big austin, seems to be able to sail away on his own and recover. he comes back, but seems to know he will be pecked if he gets too close. sometimes he does deliberately get close, full well knowing that he is being annoying and he will cause a problems. however, he knows that the pond does not belong to just these other 3 ducks. big austin swims around on his own, he climbs out and walks around, and he is the prettiest and most graceful of the 4 ducks. you get the feeling that he doesn't know this, which is part of what makes you like him best of all.

i have a lot to think and smile about when i visit big austin and the rest of the ducks with my big bag of bread.