foxhole report: no christmas grenades this year!

i am happy to report that this christmas there seems to have been a ceasefire along the battle lines of my life. no grenades, no bombs, no rocket launchers, nothing earthshattering or destructive. having planned for so many weeks to accomodate just about any disaster, i am happy to report that i sit here, alone, on christmas night, and i am very happy.

austin and i went to va. beach on friday morning and had a very pleasant holiday with my family. at occasions holidays and family dynamics can take a turn, and you never know what will tip the balance. this year it seems that my having to completely do a totally new christmas routine with austin and my financial struggles over the last many months have motivated my family to rally around me in a way that i didn't expect. i have spent so much of my life dealing with negatives, that i don't look for positives as often as i should. this would be my christmas lesson this year.

the first act of kindness occured last weekend when i took austin to the beach so that my uncle bert and aunt nancy could take him shopping for dress clothes. he needed nice clothes (pants, dress shirt, tie, shoes, etc.) to wear on basketball game days. i had asked bebo to get him some things, and he did, but not enough. only a pair of pants, a pair of shoes, a tie(ugly) and a shirt. that left me one set of everything short. austin asked for dress clothes for christmas and i relayed this to my parents when they asked what he wanted. this was an unusual request, as austin has never taken much interest in clothes before. my parents and family are all into clothes, and jumped on this opportunity to outfit him, which they did. they are very concerned that he not do without and thus be different from the other kids. both my mother and my uncle truly did do without, and that is why my uncle unexpectedly took this on.

after a shopping spree with my aunt and uncle and another one with my dad, austin came home the proud owner of his first sport jacket, 2 pairs of pants, a belt, socks, 2 dress shirts and matching ties and a very, very expensive pair of nike shox basketball shoes, the kind we never even looked at because there was no way they would happen. he was very proud of all of it. they also bought him athletic shorts and undershirts as well as a sweatshirt. my dad bought him a basketball and another shirt and tie as well as a bag to put his practice stuff in everyday.

austin has worn the dress outfits 3 days in a row. we went to brenda and danny davis' home for a xmas dinner on thursday night, and he decided to dress himself up in the sports jacket, new shirt and his beloved shoes. they were quite taken aback (as was i) that he did it. their daughter, olivia, has been one of austin's truest friends since 3rd grade and always looks out after him! i think she was hugely shocked at him dressed all up at a dinner that didn't require it! they are used to seeing him in his everyday outfit of jeans and a virginia tech sweatshirt!

friday night was our night to have xmas with "the aunties," my father's two elderly sisters. again, austin decided he wanted to dress up. my dad had ordered him bass loafers off of the internet (he is in a size 14 shoe, and we are now into a whole new realm when it comes to purchasing shoes). he put on the whole outfit again, this time with the new shoes and dress pants. he looked very grown up and handsome, and it thrilled my parents and brother and i as well to see him so excited about looking nice! then last night we went out to dinner with my mother's family to zia maria italian restaurant. austin went whole hog, including the tie, so that aunt nancy and uncle bert could see him in an outfit that they had purchased. today for xmas he got casual clothes from me and from my parents (sweats, t shirts) and my dad gave him a shoe shine box/kit. inside was the shoe brush that belonged to my grandfather. it had been passed down to my brother, who in turn gave it to austin for xmas. he showed austin how to shine the shoes, and he also helped him learn how to tie his tie, something i just can't do. austin also got an i-pod shuffle from toddy and lots of other things. i think he left feeling very loved and adored. he knew that they had all pitched in to make a nice xmas for him.

i could not have done any of these things for him. i don't think any of them had any idea about the financial situation, but they wanted to help. it is hard as a parent not to be able to do for you kid as you would like. but i have had to learn to let go these past few weeks about that, because that is what family is for. at 49 years old, it is very humbling, and i never thought i would ever be in this position. it is also hard because this last year has been so fraught with challenges and changes, and i wasn't able to do what i wanted to do for austin. he rarely asks me for much, but i try to get him whatever he asks for when he asks for it. but i just could not buy these clothes, and i let the others do it. they seemed to derive a great deal of pleasure out of it, and i have to be happy at that. what i did try and do was to express my thankfulness to all of them as often as i could.

austin wasn't the only person who had a nice christmas this year. my parents bought me a lot of clothing and things that i just don't have. i haven't bought for myself and have more or less been recycling what clothing i had left over from the years. i got 2 pairs of nice shoes, a pocketbook, a pair of pants and several turtle neck sweaters. mom and dad had bought me 3 nice sweaters and a pair of pants, but only one sweater fit. i went back to the mall yesterday and bought a pair of brown pants, an orange shirt and a black sweater. as a surprise on friday, my mother took me to have my hair cut and frosted! that was a real treat, as i have needed (badly, i might add) a haircut, and frosting, due to the expense, wasn't ever a part of the equation. i am blond for the first time in a long, long time! they also bought me an i-pod shuffle as well!

my parents also cooked food that they knew we liked, things from childhood like orange cinnamon rolls and my grandmother's potato salad. my dad made pumpkin soup with chili cream and roasted pumpkin seeds on top for austin, and mom made lots of pies and cookies (which i didn't eat) as well as a ham and the strata casserole that we have had traditionally for all of austin's life. they wanted to make everything nice and happy and special, and they did just that.

i got gifts from bebo's family as well: a bunch of nice things, including gloves and a sweater from doris, lavendar bath oils and things from mae, and a nice sweater from terre. austin gave me coathangers (i keep stealing his!), a covered coffee mug, and a $25 gift certificate to barnes and nobles! i saved all the gifts i had been given prior to xmas and didn't open them until this afternoon. my gift to the cats was leaving the wrapping paper on the floor, which they have proceeded to distribute all over my san francisco room! my next door neighbors brought me cookies and invited me to dinner (i was invited by several people, but opted to just stay home.) an hour or so later both amy and bruce showed up on my doorstep with my christmas dinner, which was my own personal chicken :) - i have never eaten a cornish hen myself! there were other things on the plate, but i was fascinated by the prospect of having my own personal chicken! i have had several phone calls from friends and have spoken to bebo's sister and mother today. all in all, things have turned out fine, and i am perfectly ok being by myself and am enjoying reading my sunday ny times and drinking wawa tea...:) i have a lot to think about and be thankful for!

monk and mini-monk do cookies (never send an man with O.C.D. to make toll house cookies...)

today bebo and austin are making cookies. actually, they have been doing it for 2 days, double batches at a time. i myself made 5 batches today, taking about 4 hours from start to finish to do it. however, as i type this, monk and his son, mini-monk, are STILL making cookies. never send a man with O.C.D. to make toll house cookies.

for years i made the xmas cookies, sometimes as many as a thousand or more. in the last few years that i did them, i only did toll house cookies. however, the stress of doing them with bebo forced me to abandon cookie making with a vengence. he took over the making of cookies and i just carried them off to wherever they were going.

what would cause me to ditch the cookie making? it was bebo's absolute insistance that the cookies had to be exactly the right shape...what shape? hell, they are frigging toll house cookies! easy's way? you get a big scoop of them on the spatula and you grab a hunk of dough and throw it down on the cookie pan. bebo's way? each little cookie must be of uniform size and weight. they must be lined up properly spaced on the cookie pan. he would dip them out with a spoon...fingers are too messy and you can't make them even. then one year i think he went to the melon baller thing. this year he has "perfected" the whole system and, according to austin, it is much more efficient. he now is rolling them out in a long rope, which my son described so nicely as looking something like a long turd. then he cuts them evenly and puts them on the cookie pan and bakes them for exactly 9 minutes. my response was WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, YOU IDIOT! DON'T YOU KNOW YOU CAN GO AND GET A ROLL OF TOLL HOUSE DOUGH FROM THE WAL-MART AND JUST CUT THEM AND GO?

he also refuses to put them on cookie cooling racks. instead, he takes towels and spreads them out over a table. each hot cookie is placed one by one in a neat little line, not touching each other. there they will remain for upwards of 3 or 4 hours, waiting to cool. we aren't talking just cool...we are talking stone cold. according to bebo, they cannot be touching each other in any form of warm before you put them up. i am not sure what earthshattering event will occur should cookies collide, but i let him go with it. when i was living with him, the cookie baking would have to cease when the whole table was filled. while i was trying desperately to get them put up and to make space for the new cookies, he was fighting me, saying we would just have to wait until they were cold. i would be swinging from the rafters, wanting the baking to be done, but monk would just say, no, and i would be left to the gnashing of teeth and wailing at high decibels. finally, for my own health, i decided that he should just do the friggin' cookies himself. in the end, he now takes 2 days to do what i would have done in one, but he seems to be happy. so is austin. sigh. i am not exactly sure who he bakes for, other than himself. in any case, i doubt anyone appreciates the huge exercise of perfection that goes into the baking...:)

cat haikus- what a hoot!

http://orgy.aaronland.net/spam/texts/cat_haikus.html. click here - this is where i got them from. wish i could take credit for them!

Cat Haikus

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then-
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds-
your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, crud! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

of borscht and breaking bread...

i had my former mother-in-law, her sister and my "ex-sister-in-law" over for borscht and baked bread tonight. it was a very pleasant evening. i pulled out my china and crystal and we had a very simple meal. the borscht recipe came from a restaurant that i went to in victoria, british columbia about 20 years ago. it was a russian restaurant, and the borscht was so good that i wanted the recipe. the owner was there, and her cookbook was on sale. i bought it, and have been making it ever since then, although i haven't made it for the family in years.

we sat around in the living room after dinner was over and chatted and laughed at the cats, who were galavanting all over the room. they brought me my christmas gifts, since i won't be with them on christmas day. i put them under the tree, and i will open them on christmas day when i return.

"MRS. YOUNG! MRS. YOUNG! I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND YOU!"-another teacher christmas story

christmas seems to always turn out to be a season not to be jolly, falalalala. for me, health issues seem to always crop their ugly heads at this time of year...and nine years ago was no exception. out of the blue i suddenly discovered that i would have to have a hysterectomy.

i was headed to the ob/gyn to get the happy news and had an hour to kill before my appointment. since i was on the other side of town and near a Best products store, i went in and was in line to purchase a toaster when i was nearly flattened by a tall, happy young man who was yelling "MRS. YOUNG! MRS. YOUNG!"

the store was packed and i was standing in a long line with the toaster when this manchild wrapped me up in a huge hug, toaster and all! the next thing he asked me was "do you remember me?" I did remember him. Then he spoke the words of the teacher's nightmare- "what's my name!"

"michael!" i replied.

and yes, i did remember him. he had been one of my 9th grade students who had distinguished himself by being a perfect pain in the butt almost every day of class.

Michael Brooks proceeded to hug me again and said "me and Rico have been trying to find you for so many years! i just wanted you to know i had turned out all right!"

after 9th grade, michael and his classmate and friend, rico, had been sent via redistricting to another high school and i had never seen him again. while i hadn't given it all that much thought, michael had, and he reminded me in a rapid fire staccato about why he wanted me to know what had happened to him.

"do you remember that time you took me out into the hall and jacked me up against the lockers? You told me..." and on he went with a perfect recitation of everything i had said to him in the hall that day. i did remember taking him into the hall and yelling at him, but i certainly didn't remember it verbatim. michael did.

"i want you to know," he said, "that next year when i went to meadowbrook i thought about what you said, and i straightened up my act. i got A's and B's on my report card and i graduated and join the army! and when i was a senior, my little brother was a 9th grader and he kept messing up like me, and i was all over him. he screwed up like i did, but he is doing better now!"

basically, what i had said to him, as i said to countless other "screwups," was that he was worth saving and he needed to get his act together. but i wasn't going to put up with any more of his mess in the classroom. i cared about him, but not enough that i was going to continue to allow him to wreck the class like he was at the time. he needed to grow up and stop acting like a fool.

and here he was in the Best products store, NOT doing his job while he talked to me. he had indeed gone into the army and served two years, but had injured his knee and was then working there over christmas while looking for a job. he and rico were still friends. he was happy. i finally had to remind him that he had a job to do right then or he would get fired! grinning, he went back to the cashier's line and i headed off, toaster in hand, to get the news that my childbearing days were over and i was in for some major surgery.

but what i was thinking about when i went to my car was how god had provided me with another angel at just the time that i needed one. what i was about to face was going to be life changing and i could have gotten really depressed about it. but michael's bear hug in a store and his message that i had helped change his life reminded me that, once again, we are the proverbial stone in the big life pond, and we never know where the ripples will go or who they will affect. in that way, christmas, and life got better. god bless michael brooks wherever he is...

"packman's shoes" - a christmas story

it was my first married christmas, the first one away from my family. it was also my second year of teaching high school english to 9th graders. eighteen inches of snow was on the ground, and there was a tremendous rush to finish the unit i was teaching before the break as we had lost so much time due to snow. i was already stressed out beyond belief when things actually got worse.

the house caught on fire.

our puppy, sierra, began to bark and i awoke thinking it was 6 a.m. and she wanted to go out. in fact, it was 11:30 at night and i smelled smoke. i jumped out of bed screaming "FIRE! FIRE!" while my husband went searching for the fire, i went first and threw the cat, Santini, into the snow on the deck, and then the puppy out the front door. i found my husband in the bathroom putting out the burning wall over the toilet. i had forgotten to put out a christmas candle and it had caught the towels on fire.

we got the fire out, and slept in a smoky, cold house (we opened up the windows to get the smell out and awoke as human popsicles.) but the house fire was the last straw, and i proceeded to have a pre-christmas meltdown that ended up lasting for weeks. every day it was all i could do to get up and go to work. i was barely functioning and just walking through each day like a schizophrenic half zombie, half happy whirlwind. staying active and positive for 8 hours everyday was one of the hardest things i have ever done. i was living for the christmas break.

finally the last day arrived, and after the last student had left my room, i was standing behind my desk thankful that i could now go home and have a complete nervous breakdown! however, before i could pack up my things and leave, there was a knock on the door and there stood The Packman.

since september donald packard had been "occupying" a desk on the front row of one of my 9th grade english classes. his biggest contribution most days was drool on the desk or an occasional "huh?" when i went by and knocked on the top of his head! a man of little or no words, "packman" as i had named him, was standing at my door, the last student i expected to see that day. he also was talking, saying "merry christmas" and he handed me a box that clearly he had wrapped himself...a shoe box.

i opened the package and in it were a pair of bright red printed Vans tennis shoes in my size. this was a gift i did not expect, but one i have truly never forgotten. it may have been one of the best gifts i ever got, and it came at a time when i desperately needed something positive.

you see, one day the packman had showed up in a pair of the same shoes. because they were so completely out of character, i had stopped class that day and said "packman, where did you get those shoes?" he stuck his head up and mumbled "my mother bought them for me." it seemed that she had gone to a shoe outlet nearby and i assume was looking for something bright to wake up her boy! i thought the shoes were cool, and said offhandedly "hey packman, i gotta have a pair of those shoes! if you mother goes back there again, tell her to get me a pair of those in size 9 1/2 !" off i went down the aisles handing out papers, and packman put his head back down and went to sleep.

you never know when an angel will show up at just the right moment, and the last person i thought would be an angel would be the packman. yet there he was. he handed me the "happy shoes" as i called them, and off he went.

i don't know where donald is now. i know he graduated and went to college. he woke up after 9th grade and actually took my journalism class even though he wasn't much good at it. i have often thought of him over the years and the act of kindness that he never know would have so many ripples. over the last 18 years i have kept the shoes. i used to wear them every friday and they got quite a reputation. over the years they have gotten a little worn, but i always wear them the last day of school before the christmas holiday and tell my story of the packman and how he was a stone in a pond, and what a ripple he created.

the tradition continues. i wore the shoes to school yesterday and a whole new generation of kids who were babies when the packman gave me the shoes are now asking about where i got them! what i tell them that sometimes you never know what an impact you might have on another person's life. in this way, i try and "pay it forward" each year by reminding my students that a single act of kindness may turn out to change another person's life.

a little sunshine, a little ice...

we continue to suffer under the wacky weather syndrome here in virginia. i feel like i have been in the meteorological black hole for the last 10 days. last weekend i took austin to myrtle beach, SC, where the weather alternated between cold (40 degrees and lower on both nights, and we were outside playing baseball) to 70 and thunderstorms during the day on sunday. then driving home to richmond that night we encountered thunderstorms complete with lightning, only to arrive in richmond and go into a huge cold plunge which resulted in not one, but two, days of wintry weather that left us at home instead of in school. i have enjoyed the days off, and have spent them alternating between sleeping and being productive.

the ice and snow were pretty and i do enjoy the colder weather. last night i spent an hour or so outside by myself replacing bulbs on the strings of xmas lights that are part of our annual tacky xmas light extravaganza. i was alone and restringing, and had some time to myself to just think and listen. it was pretty cold and relatively quiet, which seemed to contrast with the bright lights of the front yard. it seems like that, and the rapidly varying weather, have been a pretty good metaphor for my life over the last couple of weeks. i feel like i go from sunshine to ice at a rapid clip, just like the weather yesterday, which was sleet and frozen rain at 7 am, only to disappear into cold sunshine by 10 am.

while in myrtle beach i had some weird health stuff happen, just dizziness and feeling anxious which i think was just an anxiety attack. it weirded me out, though, and i was very tentative physically and mentally for a couple of days. i just didn't feel solid, secure. the early dismissal for snow on monday, the day off on tuesday, and the late opening on wednesday gave me enough time to sort of come to grips a bit. there have been a lot of changes and stressful things over the course of the fall. nothing overly earthshattering, but enough to catch up with me. it did. not like i didn't expect it would, but anxiety attacks are never something you look forward to. most people flee from them with an intensity that you can't summon up in any other part of your life. my attacks take the form of almost a seizure, which is embarrassing and humorous all at the same time. i can feel them coming on usually, and just lay down and let them go. this time i made a point of giving it over to a higher power. for many, many years i used to believe that when i had these episodes, it was my body's way of releasing tension and sort of exploding. however, since becoming a reiki master, i have changed my view of this, and i now believe that the opposite, in fact, is occurring. i think i am exhausted mentally and it is draining me physically to the point where i begin to spiral out of control. i think that when these attacks occur, they are an infusion of high energy from those looking out for me. last year when i was so sick for 6 weeks, i thought that the reiki i was doing on myself wasn't working. in fact, i know now that it was what kept me alive. i expected the reiki to heal me, but instead it kept the infection at bay long enough for me to finally get the doctor's to believe me when i asked for their help. the antibiotic doctor said he had no explanation as to why i did not become septic or get peritonitis. it didn't seem possible that i could have leaked from my stomach into my abdominal cavity in two places over 6 weeks and NOT get deathly ill. but i know the answer, and it was simple. there is more work for me to do.

so i endure the stuff of life, not always all that well, but i am at least aware of it. i will continue to cover up and disrobe according to the sunshine and ice around here, weatherwise and lifewise.

building the holiday foxhole...

ok, i will admit it. i really do dread the holidays. it seems that psychologically on the day after thanksgiving i build the mental foxhole and occupy it. from there i just sit and wait. and it seems that no matter how hard i prepare and how alert i am, the grenade is lobbed in from some area i least expected it from. i then spend the new year picking shrapnel out of my ass.

i guess if i decided what exactly that i wanted from xmas, it would be easier for me. i think the presents aspect has a lot to do with it, as people tend to acquaint personal "worth" with the number and type of presents received. when i don't get much, or i get something that is "sterile" in terms of thought, i have a tendency, rightly or wrongly, to associate the gift with my worth in the eyes of the individual who gave me the gift. i have to admit to being a big follower of this insane rationale. small wonder i am disappointed a lot when it comes to any holiday that i am going to be slightly or majorly focused upon.

gifting doesn't seem to be important to a lot of people in my life. birthdays, xmas and anniversaries were pretty much nothing for bebo. he did whatever the perfunctory thing was. no thought whatsoever. my parents always seem to gift me with what they want me to wear, so that has always resulted in an identity strugglefor me. i smile while often times seething because i hate the fact that i am an adult and my parents still aren't comfortable with who i am.

every year i try to buy things for individual people that i think they will like. part of this i guess is purely selfish. why? if i take the time to do something like that, the gift receiver will know instinctively that i have really thought about the gift and want it to mean something. however, the other half of motivation is the sad belief on my part that the receiver of the gift will do the same for me. in truthfulness, sometimes it really does work out that way. however, this year i don't think that will happen. with the deconstruction of xmas holidays for me, there comes in inevitable loss of not only presents, but of the intention of presents. i am having to withdraw from bebo's family, and his mother was always the one who seemed, even more than my own mother, to take the time and thought to find xmas presents for me that she has thought about. so the real gift was not the present, but the thought that went into it.

to compound my disillusionment, i have opted to put myself out of the foxhole and into the war zone by agreeing to have xmas with my family. that puts me in their grips on friday and saturday before xmas, and waking up in their midst on xmas day. words cannot express right now how stressful just the thought of that is for me. i will return at midday so that austin can have xmas with his father and the rest of his family. i was not invited to the annual young xmas dinner, as this was going to be awkward with both jackie and i there, so i will likely find something else to do xmas afternoon and evening. i have made some inquiries towards doing some volunteer work that day.

it would be nice if i could get out of the foxhole altogether and stop worrying and fretting about it. it would be nice if i stopped thinking that the measure of someone's care for me arrives in a package. i am not sure how to stop that, no more than i am sure how to stop the eating problem which i think centers around a lack of attention as a kid. i guess all of these woes come from not feeling good about myself. maybe my xmas gift to myself should be time to sort this out and find a solution that doesn't involve other people.

too much psychology.

a simple vision

this one is for you, mar.

for several weeks now i have been carrying around an image in my head that i return to over and over again. it is of two girls who were walking down a crowded hallway between classes at school. i was behind them as the three of us were negotiating our way down the hallway. they weren't close enough that i could hear anything that they were saying, and really, it wasn't necessary. one was tall and the other shorter, and the shorter one was holding the taller one's hand. their heads were leaned together and they were talking, seemingly obvious to the chaos around them. it was just the two of them, and only they were important.

the aura around those two wasn't one of conspiracy or secrecy. it was one of two best friends making a connection. it was kind of that sisterly sort of love that happens to girls at that age. but today, i rarely see the physical connection of closeness that was so offhand, whimsical, but so important. talk just doesn't always do it. touch sometimes can seal the closeness.

and i saw my awkward self 30 or more years ago, walking down a different, but same, hallway. a shorter person had her arm linked in mine, or her hand on my forearm, and we were talking, and i remember a nice feeling of connecting with somebody. it was important because someone wanted to talk to me, just me. it made me feel special, chosen. i don't recall ever being the one to reach out and so naturally link my arm with someone; my best friend could do that, as it was as natural as air to her. and she can still do it, when she is in a space where she doesn't have to think about it. and it might have been good for her, too, to have a loyal friend to listen to what she was feeling. i never thought much about that connection being important to her or not. i was just glad that someone wanted to talk to me.

a fleeting glance at two whispering friends reminded me of how important it is at that age to make those kinds of connections. usually, they don't last, as we grow apart in interests and locations. however, for me, i know that those friends that i made in that era are ones that i could pick up the phone and call now, and they would know what i needed and how i felt. they don't have to link their arm in mine to make me feel touched. as the voices connect across the hills and oceans, it becomes a visual walking down the hall moment for me, and i am blessed.

of intelligent design...at work

11/7/05
in my continuing quest to keep myself in trouble, i have tackled the subjects of intelligent design and decriminalization of marijuana as my current way of torturing all administrators and worrywarts who are around me.

i am thinking that a job of making coffee and sandwiches at Wawa would be preferable to have to constantly play the politically correct game of keeping everyone in the public school system happy. geez, i am tired of it, and i just wonder sometimes what the point is of trying to get kids thinking and interested and analyzing stuff. why bother promoting thought provoking discourse, when the adults around seemingly don't really want children to learn to do any of these things? ok, that sounds pretty harsh, but look around you! everybody wants to argue with somebody about what is RIGHT AND WHAT IS WRONG! my truth is better than your truth, because i have a license to the REAL truth and your truth is a lie...and in the school system the subtle message is we want you to learn, but only certain subjects and in a politically correct, vanilla way that no one will object to. so when you remove controversy, the very stuff that stimulates thought, you have a generation of uninterested automatons who are adept at regurgitating facts on a short term basis. long term, they run out of gas because they can't really think. they may pass the Standards of Learning Test, but they can't really think.

So what are the origins of my dissertation? well, despite the fact that i put in an announcement for the subject of the after school discussion club 10 days ago, this morning i found a note tacked to my door saying to see the principal. since i had been out of the way to make him aware of what we discussing this week (discussing the denver decision to decriminalize marijuana), i didn't suspect that this could be a problem. long story short: i cancelled the meeting because i need more time to "prep." translation: we can't have this discussion for fear that some parent might misinterpret what i am doing with the club. sigh. from the principal's standpoint, he is "protecting me" from getting in trouble. i also committed the grevious sin of not asking for his permission to use this topic, i just told him what we were doing and INVITED HIM TO COME TO THE MEETING. my theory was that if i have to get every topic approved for an after school, voluntary discussion club, then kids just won't come. it will be boring and they will quickly see, as i am, that real freedom of speech doesn't exist for the most part in the public school system. and here is the rub with me. on one hand the major complaint is that kids don't think and their analysis skills are diminished, the result, in my opinion, from doing the memorize-for-the-Standards of Learning Test-thing. teachers can no longer stray" off topic" for fear that they won't get all of the material covered in time for the SOL. it is all about the SOL pass numbers and percentage rates. so we teach to the test, kids memorize only what they have to know, and then don't do well because they can't analyze. what they have LEARNED seems to be secondary to having those great pass numbers. supposedly, the numbers DO reflect what students learn. i doubt it. considering the numbers of kids who go to college and never finish, i would argue that they aren't successful in college because it isn't memorization anymore. they have to actually look at things and think them over, and a lot of them just don't know how.

the after school discussion club was an extension of my english class discussions. it provides kids an opportunity to get together with other students and have a civil discourse over current events or meaningful topics. the only rule is that no one is "right" and that we just discuss and exchange ideas and information. but that isn't how this club or even class discussions are being viewed. these forums are viewed as potential areas of "bad press," the key word being POTENTIAL. so on the outside chance that one fanatical parents objects, the whole concept is diluted or destroyed. we have a watered down version of any and everything that stimulates thought.

i know that the administrators are trying to do their jobs. but when are we going to stop working in a vacuum of fear? instead of doing something possibly thought provoking and interesting, we are reduced to doing the same old same old redundant and boring stuff...which isn't stimulating the kids to think outside of the box or even think at all. we got a whole generation of self oriented, vapid kids who appear not to care about much of anything. how do you make them care? in my opinion, you bring them information and exhort them to take it in and to seek it out. there is an interesting world out there, one that may not be what their parents want for them or what their parents want them to see or learn. nonetheless, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. given partial knowledge, we will continue to be close minded, bigoted, negative and defensive. as a result, we will continue to force our individual versions of the truth upon our bretheren. civil discourse will become an oxymoron, if it already hasn't become one.

so, to screw myself over further, i gave my english classes two essays, a column from the seattle times (ellen goodman) and the other from the new york times. both deal with the raging debate over intelligent design (coming soon to a school system near you). i have been careful to give them the facts and definitions, to discuss the essays as pieces of nonfiction, and to ask them their opinions. i have also tried to simply the argument in such as way that they will have some semblance of understanding of what the whole controversy is about. i have been lucky, i suppose, that some child hasn't gone home and complained or shown the essays to a parent. should that happen, whatever good i might have wrought for 119 students will be dispelled by the l who doesn't like it.

so what are my choices? i could stop carrying out what i believe is my "mission" in the classroom, which is to interest kids in becoming lifelong learners. i do this by discussing life and literature and they are tied together. the other choice is to give in and just become an automaton and work out in the darkness of possible "danger" from the occasional upset parent.
i have faced these choices before, and stood my ground. however, now i am starting to feel that i not only need to stand my ground, but to vocally stand up for what i believe, despite the fact i could get in hot water. i am doing absolutely nothing that is punishable by firing. i am just being different and not doing what everyone else does. i have never been a freaking lemming, and i don't want to go over the cliff as one now. if i am going over the cliff, i am going to be like butch cassidy and sundance; i've obviously got to go over, but I DECIDE WHEN AND HOW I AM GOING. i am damned if i will let the pinkerton agents of the school system continue to hound and chase me into submission. if they want to pursue me, so be it. but at least the pursuit won't be easy...

deer update...

the deer are invisible but here. they are eating me out of house and corn...

so, when IS your vote wasted?

the nasty virginia governor's race is over, and the democratic candidate, tim kaine, has beaten the republican, jerry kilgore. this was an ugly race, about typical for today's politics. it was a racae of nothing but attack ads from all candidates save one, the independent candidate for goverenor, russell potts. potts is normally a republican, but he too was sick of the "business as usual" aspect of american politics, so he chose to run a race that he had no chance this week of winning. but run he did, and i voted for him.

how many times was i told that voting for him was a wasted vote? too many. how many people really didn't like the two choices at all? too many. how many voted for the lesser of two evils? again, you guessed it. so why continue to support a system that is clearly broken and badly needs repair? because there don't seem to be any visible ways to change the status quo.

my theory is that when people finally get sick of having lousy choices, they will really get disgruntled and elect someone off the wall to prove a point. certainly the election of jesse venture an minnesota a few years ago showed that. and kinky friedman's campaign for governor in texas may really turn into something. if in texas, i certainly would support him. he has good ideas and no axe to grind for a party.

the republican and democratic parties no longer stand for much to me. all i see is a bundle of professional politicians who have a vested interest in themselves. people who go into politics are on the ultimate ego trip. they love power, attention, control. so we now have professional politicians. i don't believe our forefathers ever meant for the system to become what it has withered away too...a place where the rich and privileged can buy a way for themselves to go on the endless ego trip. i don't think the average voter means much to an elected official short of being the vehicle by which they can stay on the ego train. the elected lowrents don't seem to care about real issues that affect me or what is best for my child, except for during an election year. they play endless partisan politics. like little boys in a sandbox, they play war, hurl sand, smash each others sandcastles, with the sole goal being winning, period. "he who dies with the most toys wins." but who really wins? what do i gain as a result of filibusters and ridiculous pork barrel spending?

the only way to break this cycle is to begin a grassroots campaign where a candidate walks the streets and rings the doorbells. anyone trying to win in a situation like this pretty much has no hope the first time out. independent candidates just don't have money to publicize themselves. they don't have the backing of the big spenders. they don't have the clout right now. but someone has to start somewhere. someone has to run, like russell potts, and GIVE THE VOTER AN ALTERNATIVE. someone also has to run on the real issues and give people the hard facts. if you want improvements, you are going to likely have to raise taxes. if you want better education, you need to look at what is in place, and find out what is really needed within the buildings. you don't spend you time listening to a bunch of pundits who either never have been in a classroom, or are so far out of it that they don't have a clue. you shake people's hands and look them in the eyes and when they ask you a question, you answer it...HONESTLY. i suspect that most people know that we are all flawed, and if asked about something like "did you smoke marijuana" they would respect the honest answer of "yes." admit it, move on. make it a non-issue.

as citizens, we need to start repairing the nest. our little chicks are growing up looking at this rubbish and thinking it is ok to have scandal after scandal. they see these oily creatures hurling mud at each other, but don't think about it anymore BECAUSE IT IS THE NORM. we need to change the norm.

so vote independent, or run independent and get others on board. we need to have better choices than we have been given. your vote is more wasted if you vote for those whom you know aren't much of a choice. by casting those votes, you continue sending the message back to these often corrupt and out of touch individuals that what they do in our names is ok. it isn't. character counts. so does honesty. we need to make the phrase "honest politician" no longer the oxymoron that it has become.

a day in the life of betty bizarre...

today has been an "amusing" day, packed with events that only i could experience.

austin was complaining a couple of days ago about missing chewing gum. it seems that somehow he was short a couple of packs of gum, and was sure that chewing gum fairies were taking it. he had lots of suggestions as to whom had stolen it, and the devilish plot that unknowns had cooked up to rob him of his wealth. i told him he was nuts, and let it go.

i should have investigated.

i was standing in the lunch line today when i noticed my thigh sticking to my pants. hmmm. what could that be? while balancing a tray of quiche, i was trying to unobtrusively unstick myself from my pants. not happening. (and by the way, there is no really unnoticeable way to unstick your thigh from your pants in a cafeteria lunch line.) i began, obviously, to wonder what i had suddenly managed to get into. i had just been to the bathroom, but couldn't imagine that i could have gotten something on myself and not have noticed. how would you not notice something like glue on the toilet seat? after abandoning the quiche in my room, i went to the bathroom to inspect, and discovered, voila, austin's missing chewing gum...stuck to the OUTSIDE OF MY UNDERPANTS. of course, at this point, it had melted on to the INSIDE OF MY REAL PANTS, and now had transferred itself to my thigh.

problem here. how does one get chewing gum off of the underpants and the pants?answer: you don't.

problem: how does a big person get chewing gum 0ff of the inside of your thigh when a) you don't even know it is chewing gum and b) you can't see your thigh. also keep in mind that chewing gum doesn't just peel off of your thigh. and, by the way, your thighs are not the toughest skin locations around. trying to wipe off chewing gum with toilet paper is about like scraping your face with a rake.

i decided to get off as much as possible, which only succeeded in spreading the love around. i finally decided to stick the underwear onto the pants, sort of like velcro, and hope for the best (it didn't work). i was,however, relieved to find that a co-worker in the library knew for a fact that skin-so-soft would remove the nasty gum from my thigh. why she had that there in the library, i will never know, but i am happy to report that it works. i also smelled good. i was told it also worked on taking the gum off of the pants, but i wasn't willing to walk around for the rest of the day with an oil spill in that area.

my son austin found this to be riotously funny. i told him i hope that one day he might find gum on the INSIDE OF HIS UNDERWEAR where 10,000 pubic hairs would scream their anguish...

the big question now is WHERE IS THE REST OF THE GUM? tune in as we discover gum in socks, bras, and other locations gum was never meant to occupy...

p.s. - to make my day complete, i put my little hooptie car into the shop for a series of what i hope will be minor repairs (i.e. under $200), only to come home and find the other car has a dead battery. i am now waiting for a jump so i can go into town and get a battery charger from my ex-husband. he has called to say he is hiding the battery charger inside his work truck, as tonight would "not be a good night to come in." translation: the girlfriend must be having issues. sigh. i am now missing my pottery class for the 2nd week in a row, and i am having a hot flash. i think i will go clean the toilets, as that might be preferable to throwing myself into the pond outside...

update 11/19/05: austin was actually right about the missing chewing gum. meg snagged a couple of packs from the box when she fetched my yoga mat for me and delivered it to school! we both thought this was a riot, as who would be counting packs of chewing gum? she has now ended up with ALL of the gum, as austin just had spacers put in for the braces that are coming in a week, and gum for the next millenium is verboten.

wait, wait, don't tell me...:)

i love intellectual humor, and this program is a hoot. each week they do a current events "quiz" and the panel and audience members answer the questions. they are sooooo funny. worth the time listening, and it can be done on line at the following link. you can go to "this week's program" or the archives for past programs. you could also listen to it on your local PBS radio station, but the times vary and aren't always at a convenient time. give it a try! :)
http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/

falling into fall...

it is saturday morning, and i have just returned from actually doing something on a saturday morning that doesn't involve going to a baseball game. the fall baseball season is now over, so i am left at loose ends, actually able to enjoy not having an agenda.

i have delivered austin to his father for the day. bebo is moving out of the house and into jackie's house, and he needed the "manpower" to lift and tote. i explained to austin that this would not be an easy day for his dad. it was, i told him, a "transition" day, one that people of all ages have periodically. moving out of the house after having resided there for 15 years is definitely a transition. i told him that his father is leaving something he knew for something he isn't sure about. marriage apparently will occur in the spring, so then things will be legal. but for now, he is buying half of jackie's house and moving in with her.

there were people there that i didn't know, and i had gotten bebo a cup of coffee and doughnuts (austin's idea). jackie didn't seem too thrilled to see me, and was very curt and pretty much blew me off. sigh. more drama not needed. maybe she didn't realize i was there at bebo's request. i retrieved a this end up coffee table that he no longer wanted, and i also rescued some rocks out of the flower bed that i had collected from the creek at uncle jack and steve's home in west virginia. i thought briefly about walking around the backyard for one last time, and had intended to do that, but when i got there and stood on the deck, i realized that i, happily, was done with that place, and had been since i moved out of there 2 1/2 years ago. that made me feel pretty good. i am hoping after today that austin's attachment and angst over the selling of the place will subside and he will move on. with his father at jackie's, it at least puts all of the people under one roof. austin will be able to walk, if he wants, to see his aunts or grandmother. bebo will not have to choose between time with austin and time with jackie. he can just do stuff with austin or not. it should be very strange for austin, but he has to get used to it. it isn't going to change in the foreseeable future.

as for me, i went to petsmart and looked at fish, and again had a revived interest in putting an aquarium back together. standing there looking at the fish after jackie's non-greeting made me a little calmer and more hopeful. a few minutes of fish meditation was good. i sort of decompressed and wasn't as angry, hurt and pissed off as i had been when i drove away. i went to a & n and bought myself 2 pairs of on sale tennis shoes, one black, one white. i haven't bought tennis shoes in years, and really needed them. i also bought xmas present t-shirts for austin and a pair of sweat pants for myself. after that, i walked to panera bread and felt intellectual sitting in a bright window seat listening to classical music, drinking a cup of coffee, and eating a pink ribbon bagel (they are in honor of national breast cancer month, and they were good). however, nothing ever goes the way you want it to, and the bagel jammed and i had to come home because my stomach went wacko...so here i am, writing. i need to get all of my plant stuff in some sort of decent order/location for the winter and i could go out and do some more xmas shopping for austin i guess. right now, i am enjoying the cooler weather, the prospect of another cup of coffee later in the day on my porch, a nice sunset, and my new tennis shoes feeling good on my feet. simple pleasures, simply fall.

p.s. when i did the spell check on this, when it got to the name "jackie" it asked if i wanted to replace it with "jackass"...god does have a good sense of humor...:)

the return of the twin deer

one of the great things about living along a wilderness area is just that...wilderness. for me, it means big blue, my heron. it means snapping turtles in the spring spitting at you and laying eggs. it means the wonders of the different types of dragon flies that land on my hands and the horrors of the big behemoth writing spiders that have set up camp on my back deck. i have never fished in the pond, but others have, so i know there are indeed fish. and i also have the best of the best...pet deer.

in an amazing show of grace, last year we had a family of deer that visited us...an interesting family at that. only once did we see the whole family...a stag, the doe, and believe it or not, twin fawns. austin saw the whole family, but both of us frequently saw mother and daughters, as they returned twice a day to the backyard to graze and look for food.

my property joins with the beginning of the chickahominy swamp, and the area becomes a hunter's paradise in the fall. i know that they hunters cannot come within 300 yards of development, so i began putting out squirrel food and birdseed for the deer. i figured if i fed them, they would stay up at this end of the swamp. i realize, of course, that deer are overpopulated, etc. but i just couldn't see letting these particular beautiful creatures be slaughtered.

i have been thinking about those deer off and on for several days and this morning i went to the window in the kitchen and there they were. it was as if god had said "time to feed my creatures, ellen." so i went out to the shed and found what was left of last year's squirrel food, and then i hauled the huge sack of deer corn that i bought at walmart out to the shed. i discovered this cheap means of luring them a couple of months ago, and have been buying up the sacks for them. ironically, the hunters use it to lure the animals to their deaths. i am luring them to their lives.

so hopefully tonight they will have their first fall meal, one that will be consistent and last for the next 6 months. i stop feeding them in the spring, and they still come around occasionally. the real surprise is that the twins have come back. i figured they wouldn't. i knew i wouldn't see the mother doe, but she may have new babies by now and may return as well. we will see how nature takes its course, although i have altered the path quite a bit...

of burning brush piles, soul food, and traditions...

i just finished watching an older movie called SOUL FOOD. it concerned a black family in chicago that met every sunday for 40 years for a dinner of soul food. obviously, the food was the draw, but the underlying point was that the family got together. when the matriarch of the family dies, the members go their separate ways, and the tradition is temporarily destroyed. however, her oldest grandchild schemes to get everyone back together on a sunday, and over food, the differences are settled.

tonight my son is with his father burning brush in the backyard of our old home. the house has been sold, and pending a home inspection, will be owned by someone else in a couple of weeks. bebo will move into town with his fiancee, and the "homeplace" that austin grew up in will belong to someone else.

one of the major things that had to be done at least once a year was cutting down the horrid russian olives hedges and burning the branches. in the last few years, bebo has been on a texas chainsaw massacre of the bushes and trees in that yard. he has pretty much reduced it to a fraction of what it once was. in any case, he would pile all of the brush in the back corner of the yard, call up our friends, and burn for hours. people would bring their lawn chairs and beer, and sit around under the back trees in the cool and kibitz. bebo has gotten wise in the last few years by calling the police to let them know he was burning. apparently, some concerned citizens thought the neighborhood was on fire more than once, and called the cops. now they know he is burning, and he isn't bothered.

nonetheless, this will be the last young family brush burning. bebo called a little while ago and asked to borrow austin for the evening to help. i said yes, of course. nothing was mentioned about this being the last time this little ritual will be held. i doubt either of them has thought of it that way. i imagine bebo is probably relieved that he won't have to do this again. i also doubt that he has ever thought about this twice a year burning as being a ritual of family and friends.

i grew up with sunday dinners at my aunt's house. it continued, unabated, until we moved to richmond in 1968. in my own adult life, that ritual has not been repeated. bebo's mother had dinners for birthdays and holidays, and that became my "family" ritual. but now that doesn't exist for me because of the divorce. it is important to me that austin continues to participate in these family outings. Even though he doesn't appreciate them now, he will remember them as he gets older and they will take on a different perspective for him, just as my sundays spent with my family have. there are little things that you remember that are insignificant as individual things. for me it was playing office upstairs in my uncle's office. it was the smell of his camel cigarettes and clean pads of paper. it was the pictures of family in frames on the walls and book shelves. sundays were roast beef, mashed potatoes and green peas. they were also the occasional raw oysters shucked in the garage, the seafood casserole that my aunt made on occasion, and iced tea with sugar at the bottom. the only time i have ever eaten a parfait was for desert on those sundays, and the sunday gatherings always ended with my uncle teddy swinging me around and around by the arms on the front lawn as we were all leaving. my aunt and uncle had the first color tv that i ever saw, and i understand why walt disney's was the wonderful world of color, for that was part of the sunday night lineup, as sure and as true as the fact that sunday afternoons were devoted television wise to golf.

my son's world is a lot smaller family tradition wise, and as i am typing this, a facet of it is burning quickly in the same burn spot that it always has. the people buying the house will inherit the burn spot, but no knowledge of why it was periodically a communal gathering place. when we bought the house 15 years ago, we inherited the developed garden and grounds, one of the major things that attracted us to that place. unfortunately, gardening and landscaping wasn't the bonding experience for bebo and i that it was for the previous family. as a matter of fact, it became a drudgery and a chore, hence the removal of all of the "work" that the previous family had so lovingly planted. maybe the next family will plant it back and it will become someone's labor of love again.

i cannot go and stand next to that fire tonight, even though part of me wants to. it makes me wonder what my ex-husband is thinking about as he is tossing branches on the pile. i am sure austin is only thinking about making the fire flare up bigger, and i am sure bebo is hoping the chore won't take long. at this stage of austin's life it is going to be hard to create a new tradition, especially considering the fractured fairytale that is his "family." my hope is that when he grows up and examines and scrutinizes his childhood, as he will do, that he is kind, and that maybe he will remember these things and want to create things for himself and his own family. bonds become stronger when you repeat them. that is really what the threads of life are all about...taking the threads and weaving them until they are visible and viable and mean something...

Travels with...?

I have been rereading John Steinbeck's TRAVELS WITH CHARLEY and I have decided that I, too, would like to go off an find out where the real America is.

In 1960, John Steinbeck was having some health problems (which later killed him), and was a bit depressed. Urged by some friends, including Adlai Stevenson, he decided to go off to "look for America" as Simon and Garfunkel would say. He bought a pickup truck and had a camper made to go on the the back of it. He called it Rocinante, after the horse of Don Quixote. He took his French poodle, Charley, and he took off from his home in Sag Harbor, NY in September of 1960 . He met his wife, Elaine, and her relatives in Amarillo, Texas for Thanksgiving that year, and he returned to New York by New Years of 1961. The Steinbeck Center in California currently has Rocinante on display. Click here for the story of Rocinante! http://www.steinbeck.org/Rocinante.html

Steinbeck stayed off of the interstate system as much as he possibly could. An interesting concept, as in 1960 the interstate system was nothing as compared to today. He went to little places, such as Aroostook, Maine which at that time was considered one of the two biggest areas of potato production.

I think I would try and follow Steinbeck's trail across the northern part of the United States. I would want to end up in California where he, Steinbeck, was born and where he did most of his writing. This would take me through North Dakota and the upper midwestern states of Wisconsin and Michigan. I would go to Seattle, as he did, and then down the Oregon coast to California.

Obviously, to do this I would need money. There is a local teachers award given here call the R.E.B. award. Teachers are nominated for it, and if selected, they receive money to pursue some sort of academic/educational dream. Since I teach Steinbeck each year, this certainly would play into what I teach and would enhance my teaching of THE PEARL, THE GRAPES OF WRATH, and OF MICE AND MEN.

It would not be inexpensive. I would need a small RV, such as the one he had, and I would need a laptop computer. I would keep a blog like this one of my adventures, and I would need a digital camera. I don't have any of these things, so whatever money I would get would go to financing this adventure. Of course, I would have to be nominated first for the awards, and that in and of itself is the first hurdle.

Nonetheless, it is fun to dream.

Instead of a dog, it could be Travels with...ellen, or austin, or whomever would like to join me on this leg of the trip. I hope I get a chance to do this someday.

pick five and dine...

fantasy dinner: pick 5 people, living or dead, historical or not to meet for dinner. who would those people be, and what would you talk about?

i was thinking about this on the way to pottery last night, and on my way home again, as i just couldn't come up with an immediate answer. my lack of response in and of itself was interesting. i just couldn't think of 5 people i absolutely had to meet or greet or eat with. rather than have all 5 in one place, i entertained the thought of having them one on one at panera bread or tgif fridays or eating thai food or ethiopian. but then, there is safety in numbers. what if the dalai lama turned out to be a boring conversationalist? and what would i talk about to him? you have to figure that he must get bored talking about spirituality and buddhism all of the time, so what would i ask him? read any good books lately, tenzen? what did you think about THE DAVINCI CODE? and where could we go to talk that he wouldn't be followed by an entourage? it isn't like you can just go out into public with an old dude in an orange sheet and not expect to be noticed. besides, he doesn't speak the language very well. and compared to him, my life is a tad boring.

regardless of who i would invite, the problem of conversation is going to come up. how do you make it a one on one, equal kind of conversation? obviously, if i am picking the dinner company, i am going to be picking someone i do not feel equal too. try awe...wouldn't you pick people that you stand in awe of? ok, given that, give me barbra streisand, linda ronstadt, amelia earhart and carole lombard. but i don't know them. would they be kind to me? would streisand turn out to be a difficult diva? would ronstadt, given her penchant for ignoring the public, even show up? would amelia earhart talk at all, or just keep to herself? and could carole lombard possibly be as funny as everyone said she was, and just as brassy?

i think i have figured out that the dinner party with the five is more fun to think about than do, simply because fantasy is always better than reality. i have had a few occasions to see some of my "idols" in concert, and have walked away thinking i could now die happy. that includes bruce springsteen, jackson browne, the righteous brothers, johnny rivers, and linda ronstadt. in all cases, i was satisfied that i got my money's worth. but had i been able to hang out with each for a week, i doubt that i would have found the icons to be without feet of clay. it is so much more fun to imagine them a certain way than to experience them failing to fit the mold.

i think i would rather observe from a distance, or shake a hand or get an autograph. a one on one conversation would not give me what i want, which is the ability to adore without disappointment.

what do you REALLY know for sure?

yesterday, in a rare incident of me watching daytime televison, i tuned in to OPRAH, who was interviewing actress uma thurman, who in turn was interviewing one of her idols, actress meryl streep. in the interview, thurman asked streep what in life did she really know for sure.
i don't remember streep's answer, as it wasn't all that profound, which is ok. but it did get me thinking...what do i really know for sure?
the answer for me is...no answer. i can't say i know anything is sure. as a matter of fact, i am coming more and more to the conclusion that nothing is sure. i don't think there is any real truth out there, if you are looking for truth on the conventional yardstick. it seems to me now that instead of seeking truth and answers, i am just seeking information. i used to seek the information so that i could make an informed decision, but now i think i just want the facts to ponder over. i don't have to make a decision about everything. even the decisions i do make, always aren't meant to stay permanent. i guess life isn't sure, perception isn't sure, and even good old ben franklin might not be sure about death and taxes...life is probably THE TRUMAN SHOW and somewhere someone is having a good laugh looking at us playing out "life" under a microscope...

another interesting day in atlee town...

two days ago i had an interesting encounter on the way to work. about 100 yards from the entrance to the school a student's car caught on fire. i was about 15 or 20 cars behind the car and was just sitting there wondering what the holdup was. i noticed all the people in front of me getting out of their cars, so i got out too to see smoke up ahead. we stood there in the middle of the road watching the car slowly burning. as soon as i saw that, i immediately thought to call school to let them know that nothing was going to be coming in or out on the road anytime soon, including me. i didn't have my cell phone...so the school librarian, who was in front of me, called to deliver the dreary news. the end result? i walked up and checked on students who were watching it burn. i offered my car for some to sit in, which they did. i watched the fire when it really took off (the car had a full tank of gas), and then i went back to my car and calmly sat grading papers. the fire truck finally came and put out the fire, and eventually we were able to drive past the crispy carcass of the car as we got to school. all of the buses were late getting there, so the first hour of school was a waste. i just let my kids have study hall, as i myself was 30 minutes late to getting to the class.
in the afternoon when i drove home, i drove over the melted burned area in the asphalt, the X that marks the spot of a weird morning. i keep thinking that despite the fact that the car was completely burned, the bright blue of the paint was still visible on the sides of the car, enough for me to think it was a pretty color pre-torching. i also have a vision of the librarian in the car in front of me reading the newspaper that i gave her, and my grading papers while chaos went on around me. i wonder if this is what it was like when nero went fiddling while rome was burning...

where is god when there is so much suffering and sadness?

reading Beliefnet this morning, i ran across an article that discusses the omnipotence of god and his/her presence during the recent disasters. the link is http://www.beliefnet.com/story/175/story_17566_1.html should you want to read the article.

the article itself brings once again to the fore the age old question of "where is god when there is a disaster" and why did he let this occurrence happen. well, as usual, there is no easy or pat answer. certainly various organized religious groups may have a standard explanation to satisfy the multitudes, who are certainly seeking one. however, when it comes right down to it, bad things happen, period. we, as individuals, have to deal with them. how we deal with them emotionally and spiritually can follow a party line of an organized religion, or it can involve some spiritual searching.

the only thing i have been able to do in these circumstances is to state to myself that things happen for a reason. why they happen and what the good outcome of these things is to be often times is not apparent early on. as a matter of fact, it can be years before the positive in an awful situation is revealed. even then, the person viewing this incident may not see the positive, or embrace it.

neal donald walshe wrote a fascinating book series, CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD, and in these books he does tackle the question of why would a benevolent god create awful situations. the one specific question asked was concerning the holocaust, and the extermination of 6,000,000 jews. why have a hitler? and what positive thing can come out of this mass genocide?
in his conversation with god, god's answer was pretty unique and certainly hard to swallow. what if hitler comes into this life specifically as a catalyst for change? if you entertain the concept of reincarnation, you understand that each incarnation is designed to create soul growth through challenges. we set up the "play of life" with certain players, and we come into this life knowing we are going to have soul challenges through the experiences and trials of daily life. how we deal with the challenges is how we grow. the supposition is that hitler reincarnated specifically to cause worldwide change. hard to believe that such a human monster could have had a positive effect, considering the human suffering and cruelty. not many people could look at the holocaust and see any positive effect, especially if your family was affected.

but maybe there was.

globally, we seem to be much more aware of genocide and worldwide, we do not allow it to continue unabated. the united nations certainly does attempt to intervene when it appears that this type of behavior goes on. while, sadly, humans still do commit heinous acts against various groups of people, it does not seem to be occurring in the same manner or scope as that of the holocaust. a small plus, but none the less, a plus. it certainly doesn't justify what hitler and the german people did, but it could be looked at as a positive.

the country of israel became a country in 1948 as a result of the disenfranchised jewish refugees immigrating to that country. for many, there was no home left in europe, and so many sought out a small plot of land, the homeland of their religious ancestors. "next year in jerusalem" has been a part of jewish religious ritual for thousands of years, yet no mass attempt had been made to reclaim the area as a jewish homeland. it took the holocaust to do that. granted, this area is certainly a hotbed of controversy and dispute. but it is a country of jews and their descendents. one has to wonder if it would exist in this way had there not been such a horrible motivating factor to leave europe and "return home."

in the same manner and fashion, we as a country are currently experiencing what appears to be a huge human disaster. hurricane rita and hurricane katrina have destroyed life as they knew it for untold thousands of people in the gulf coast region. the destruction is not limited to homes and jobs. the trickle down effect of this destruction will be starting to show in the months to come, and there are many possible things that could happen as a result. how to revitalize this area is what is under dispute, but it is hoped that something positive can be built out of this episode of human suffering.

certainly government ineptitude has been revealed at every level. the accusations that the government didn't react quickly because the people most affected by the disaster were poor may or may not be true. many people have been angered by this, and their accusations of socio-economic and racial prejudice have been heard by many, and scorned by many. a division based on these lines could either widen or shrink, depending on how we as HUMANS react to what we see before us. in a previous blog, i addressed the concept of the haves and have nots, and it is here that i think that god is watching and waiting.

my spin on disasters and misery, and in particular, our recent tragedies, is that god has set the stage for change. to get our attention, he had to create a miserable, ugly, tragic situation with no immediate cure. this is a long term problem that needs to be fixed on every level, but most importantly, it needs to be seen as a staging ground for change. as a nation, we have been drifting further and further apart on racial and socio-economic lines. lack of education and the "'ghetto-ization'" of the poor has help create generation after generation of separate and unequal classes in this country. i read a NY TIMES article sunday that addresses various plans to try and break the cycle of poverty and crime, and one of the ways to do it was to tear down the pockets of misery (ghettos), and disperse the people out into the general population. it was found that when you took people out of the self-perpetuating climates of misery and put those people in a different location that didn't foster the same behavior, those people adapted for the better. however, left isolated in areas where the mentality fostered no further growth, crime and poverty continued on unabated, generation after generation.

many of our poor and uneducated are scattered all over the united states right now. they cannot return to the lower income, impoverished neighborhoods of new orleans and other cities. those who didn't have much, have nothing. they have hit bottom. what is left to them, however, is the human will to survive, and a unique opportunity to start over again fresh. they cannot return to what they had. the government hopefully will provide them with some of the financial needs that would allow them to start over. the hope is that they will be given the opportunity for a truly fresh start, and some will embrace it and be successful. if god is going to work a miracle in the middle of a disaster, this might be it. we truly need some social change, and the numbers of "have nots" have just been growing slowly but steadily over the last few decades. the only thing that has changed is our attitude about helping these people. with an emphasis on materialism and what is best for me and mine as the prevailing attitude, middle and upper class america has more or less separated itself from the "lower level" and has developed a cynical and less than sympathetic view of those left financially and educationally behind.

i want to believe that this disaster was created by god to give us a wakeup call about brotherhood and the golden rule. he has created a huge smack in the face to make us think about how lucky some of us are, and what we can do to help others. he has helped us appreciate what we have in a way that only a disaster could, and many have responded with gifts of money, time, and goods. however, this is not a short term problem. certainly in a few more weeks, we will be seeing less and less on the news or in the papers concerning the disasters. people's interest will wane, and once it is off of the front pages, it will start to have less and less impact. this is where what god intends will be tested. if we as a species can continue to be affected by this, we will help contribute to rebuilding of human character, not just buildings. hillary clinton's title of IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD can also be applied to us as a society. our children now are varied in color, religion, education, and culture. those who have must be the benevolent "parents" who provide with love and care. just like a parent, we sometimes connect with some of our "children" better than others, but we say we love them equally. we will have to embrace that thought while helping our "children" of this disaster. we must be careful not to favor one over another, and to learn to appreciate the gifts of each. if we are able, even just a few of us, to do this, we can affect a positive change, and reaffirm that god is indeed present, even in the worst of situations, for the better.

translucent beings...am i one?

i just read an article on beliefnet about the translucent revolution. i am going to include the link at the bottom of the post so that if anyone wants to read it, he/she can. basically, it is talking about action being the result of enlightenment, vs. separation from the human tribe as most people believe enlightened individuals are. the theory is that you love your life, and in turn you don't need life to fill you up and make you happy, make you "me." once you see the bigger picture, your daily life becomes an outward extension of your need to give instead of take. a translucent person, as i am understanding it, is seeing that giving back is the best way to learn. you are a seeker, and not a taker, and you can be translucent through your work. it is basically a concept of living in the present, and being aware of all that is here, and then trying to make it better by participating in living in a meaningful, helpful way. by doing that, we will be in an "happy zone" for the most part.

the article is an interview with the author of the book, and it also has some links to a list of the other authors who were interviewed or are considered to be translucents.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/175/story_17524_1.html

today is my birthday

today is my birthday. i am 49. it has been a little different, and celebrated a little differently, but it was fine. i spent the day at a ballfield watching austin's team win the tournament. we played the hanover generals, austin's old team, and i enjoyed visiting with the parents from that team, including chuck and andy, austin's old coaches. it was a cooler, overcast sort of day, but a nice relief from the miserably hot weather we have had almost continously for weeks. meg and her family made a nice dinner for us, and she cleaned up the downstairs of my house and cooked everything. it was fun and we laughed a lot, and that was what i needed. i got some happy birthday phone calls, but so far not one from my parents. sigh. i just don't get it, but i guess i never will. i am blessed to have such nice friends and family. austin gave me a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure; brenda and olivia davis dropped off a gift yesterday for me, and that was nice, and pam gave me some forsythias(sp) to plant. bebo, my brother, uncle jack, my aunt nancy and jose and ann called, and i got a card from cindy's parents and an email card from "ethyl and the boys." again, i am very lucky. i also got a copy of the NY times at wawa this morning, along with iced tea (my favorite), cheap gas, and a hot breakfast. it didn't rain, i didn't sweat, and i was able to fit into a martha's vineyard sweatshirt that i bought back in 1998. it was too tight then, but i bought it anyway hoping at sometime i could fit into it. this morning, i did. glad i held on to it.

radio in cyberspace

it is a rare day that i can just sit on the computer with out the grim reaper of PC games, AKA austin young, hanging over my shoulder like a vicious vulture, waiting for me to leave what he believes is his personal domain. it doesn't matter that i paid for the damned machine. i feel like i have to beg for time on my own computer.

so it is wednesday and austin is with bebo. my one night to sit at the computer and become enlightened.

i discovered several years ago that you can sit here in front of a computer and listen to the world out there. it makes me feel very international to listen to radio broadcasts from chile or some other exotic place. i enjoy listening to live music from KKSF, a jazz station in san francisco. since i love that place, it makes me feel like i am temporarily there. i also like to listen to some of the smooth jazz stations and the new age stations. i also listen to bolivia radio, which plays the native folk music there, which is kind of cool.

http://www.radiotower.com/web-radio-bygenre.htm is one that you can click on and find an online station by country, genre or location.
radio locator also operates in a similar fashion http://www.radio-locator.com/
i also like bolivia web radio, which plays real bolivian folk music, which is very unique. there are no commercials or any talking going on, so it is just strictly streaming music. of course, it is in spanish, but i don't care what they are saying anyway. to listen to it, you have to download the winamp program, but it is free and easy. http://www.boliviaweb.com/radio/instruc_en.htm
i also like new age music and can listen to a wide variety of stations that stream it without interuption. http://www.live365.com/stations/tjw2001 is one link to something called internet oasis. i also listen sometimes to boston pete http://www.bostonpete.com/station002.html. the radio locators both have a wider variety of things you can choose from depending on what type of music that you like.

i can take a trip without leaving the cramped former closet that now is known as the computer room.

a wednesday night in the north side

this afternoon i went over to northminster church and helped fix the food for the dinner and "new community" event that they are hosting during the week. it was a nice opportunity to meet with some new people and do something useful. i like to cook, and this is cooking in a massive way. some of the people i knew a little bit, others i just met. the thing i like about this church is that it doesn't seem like a church so much as a place with a nice vibe. it affords me the opportunity to do some community work, which i didn't previously get to do much of because i didn't have a vehicle by which i could do this. obviously, churches are the way to go if you are looking for some organized place where you can do some service work.

i have thought since my hospitalization last spring that i was supposed to be doing something with my life now, but i have been stumbling along trying to figure out what it is. i have been attending this church since last winter after my initial surgery in november. i returned back to the sunday services once i was out of the hospital and able to drive again. i enjoy the music, the casual feel of things, and the to-the-point but not over the top messages that the minister, sammy williams, delivers. i don't feel preached at so much as i feel enlightened.

prehaps what i am supposed to be doing is more community based work, and i am hoping maybe austin will join in sometime. right now he is not interested, although they seem to have a small group of teens in their group that he might enjoy being with. i am not forcing church on him, as i absolutely hated that when i was his age. terre, his aunt, attends and is a member and it was terre and danny, her husband, who first got us to go there. danny wanted me to go, and tried to get me to go in the months before he died. i didn't go then, but did go after he died and somehow feel like that was meant to be.

in any case, i never envisioned myself leaving the house to go out to anything during the week, but now i am in a creative small group on monday nights and volunteering to help do the cooking on wednesday. it seems all good, and i don't feel like i am missing anything by NOT going. actually, i gain. i did meet some new people tonight, and understand how it feels to be gingerly creeping along in the spiritual world, seeking and watching, and then settling a little bit.

rebuilding after the divorce earthquake

my divorce has been final for almost a year, and it is going on three years since my former spouse of 14 years decided he wanted a different life. getting a divorce at 45 wasn't what i had envisioned would happen to me, but i dealt with it and have actually had a "good" divorce, if that is possible.

one of the hardest things for me about ripping apart a life isn't one that most people consider to be traumatic. for the last 20 years my ex-husband's family has been my family, and now he is remarrying. i have continued to have regular and constant contact with his sisters, mother and aunt. i have attended all family dinners at holidays or special occasions, and i have dropped by as i always have to visit. now, however, my ex is remarrying, and his fiancee is suffering from the need to be the alpha dog. so this old dog has to trot off into the sunset.

it wasn't as if i didn't know it would occur, nor has it been taken for granted that i have been lucky to be able to keep my relationships intact. a lot of it was done for my son. everyone felt the need to keep things as normal and sound as possible. but things do change, and sadly, i now am finding myself mulling over how i handle the spate of upcoming events over this fall and into the winter.

i had hoped that we could continue to all be in one place without the drama and trama of having to separate. but natural "new wife" insecurity has reared its head. i say natural because i suspect most women in the fiancee's position would be feeling as she does. our whole family and divorce set up has been unusual in that we haven't been fighting or distancing ourselves from each other. everyone got along, everyone continued to communicate on a fairly normal basis. my ex and i talked on the phone frequently and were in and out of each other's homes, taking care of animals or fetching or delivering things.

all that has to stop now. he is selling our former home and moving in with the fiancee and getting married sometime in the next 6 months(hopefully). to make her happy, he feels the need to have me "bow out" of the family position i have been in, and i understand this. as i explained it to my son, it really would be hard for her to establish new relationships with my ex's mother and family if the spectre of me is always around for a comparison. she deserves the opportunity to create these new bonds without me around. it is also fair to say that taking myself out of the picture will also make it easier for my ex's family, who have been squarely caught in the middle. now they do have to "take a side" and it has to be on the side of their brother/son and his new life.

that all said, it is still hard for me to make that break. i don't have family here, and my relationship with my own family isn't the best these days, and when it is going ok, it is tenuous at best. i spend a lot of time in the foxhole waiting for the next grenade to pop in and trying to anticipate where it will come from.

change isn't always bad, and i have certainly had my share of it in the last few years. i cannot say that i have suffered overall or been made a lesser person by having had the experiences. they have made me stronger, and ultimately, happier.

so birthdays won't be celebrated in a crowd or by the people who were once close to me. christmas will be less in many ways, be could be more if i chose to make it that way, which i will. new is not bad, and neither is different. what is bad is dwelling on what i am cutting loose, or thinking about why it is happening. i guess i could be really angry with her, but what is the point? nothing is really going to stay the same, regardless of if i am happy or sad with her needs. so it is up to me to make lemonade out of the lemon, and i will.