ok, i will admit it. i really do dread the holidays. it seems that psychologically on the day after thanksgiving i build the mental foxhole and occupy it. from there i just sit and wait. and it seems that no matter how hard i prepare and how alert i am, the grenade is lobbed in from some area i least expected it from. i then spend the new year picking shrapnel out of my ass.
i guess if i decided what exactly that i wanted from xmas, it would be easier for me. i think the presents aspect has a lot to do with it, as people tend to acquaint personal "worth" with the number and type of presents received. when i don't get much, or i get something that is "sterile" in terms of thought, i have a tendency, rightly or wrongly, to associate the gift with my worth in the eyes of the individual who gave me the gift. i have to admit to being a big follower of this insane rationale. small wonder i am disappointed a lot when it comes to any holiday that i am going to be slightly or majorly focused upon.
gifting doesn't seem to be important to a lot of people in my life. birthdays, xmas and anniversaries were pretty much nothing for bebo. he did whatever the perfunctory thing was. no thought whatsoever. my parents always seem to gift me with what they want me to wear, so that has always resulted in an identity strugglefor me. i smile while often times seething because i hate the fact that i am an adult and my parents still aren't comfortable with who i am.
every year i try to buy things for individual people that i think they will like. part of this i guess is purely selfish. why? if i take the time to do something like that, the gift receiver will know instinctively that i have really thought about the gift and want it to mean something. however, the other half of motivation is the sad belief on my part that the receiver of the gift will do the same for me. in truthfulness, sometimes it really does work out that way. however, this year i don't think that will happen. with the deconstruction of xmas holidays for me, there comes in inevitable loss of not only presents, but of the intention of presents. i am having to withdraw from bebo's family, and his mother was always the one who seemed, even more than my own mother, to take the time and thought to find xmas presents for me that she has thought about. so the real gift was not the present, but the thought that went into it.
to compound my disillusionment, i have opted to put myself out of the foxhole and into the war zone by agreeing to have xmas with my family. that puts me in their grips on friday and saturday before xmas, and waking up in their midst on xmas day. words cannot express right now how stressful just the thought of that is for me. i will return at midday so that austin can have xmas with his father and the rest of his family. i was not invited to the annual young xmas dinner, as this was going to be awkward with both jackie and i there, so i will likely find something else to do xmas afternoon and evening. i have made some inquiries towards doing some volunteer work that day.
it would be nice if i could get out of the foxhole altogether and stop worrying and fretting about it. it would be nice if i stopped thinking that the measure of someone's care for me arrives in a package. i am not sure how to stop that, no more than i am sure how to stop the eating problem which i think centers around a lack of attention as a kid. i guess all of these woes come from not feeling good about myself. maybe my xmas gift to myself should be time to sort this out and find a solution that doesn't involve other people.
too much psychology.
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