my divorce has been final for almost a year, and it is going on three years since my former spouse of 14 years decided he wanted a different life. getting a divorce at 45 wasn't what i had envisioned would happen to me, but i dealt with it and have actually had a "good" divorce, if that is possible.
one of the hardest things for me about ripping apart a life isn't one that most people consider to be traumatic. for the last 20 years my ex-husband's family has been my family, and now he is remarrying. i have continued to have regular and constant contact with his sisters, mother and aunt. i have attended all family dinners at holidays or special occasions, and i have dropped by as i always have to visit. now, however, my ex is remarrying, and his fiancee is suffering from the need to be the alpha dog. so this old dog has to trot off into the sunset.
it wasn't as if i didn't know it would occur, nor has it been taken for granted that i have been lucky to be able to keep my relationships intact. a lot of it was done for my son. everyone felt the need to keep things as normal and sound as possible. but things do change, and sadly, i now am finding myself mulling over how i handle the spate of upcoming events over this fall and into the winter.
i had hoped that we could continue to all be in one place without the drama and trama of having to separate. but natural "new wife" insecurity has reared its head. i say natural because i suspect most women in the fiancee's position would be feeling as she does. our whole family and divorce set up has been unusual in that we haven't been fighting or distancing ourselves from each other. everyone got along, everyone continued to communicate on a fairly normal basis. my ex and i talked on the phone frequently and were in and out of each other's homes, taking care of animals or fetching or delivering things.
all that has to stop now. he is selling our former home and moving in with the fiancee and getting married sometime in the next 6 months(hopefully). to make her happy, he feels the need to have me "bow out" of the family position i have been in, and i understand this. as i explained it to my son, it really would be hard for her to establish new relationships with my ex's mother and family if the spectre of me is always around for a comparison. she deserves the opportunity to create these new bonds without me around. it is also fair to say that taking myself out of the picture will also make it easier for my ex's family, who have been squarely caught in the middle. now they do have to "take a side" and it has to be on the side of their brother/son and his new life.
that all said, it is still hard for me to make that break. i don't have family here, and my relationship with my own family isn't the best these days, and when it is going ok, it is tenuous at best. i spend a lot of time in the foxhole waiting for the next grenade to pop in and trying to anticipate where it will come from.
change isn't always bad, and i have certainly had my share of it in the last few years. i cannot say that i have suffered overall or been made a lesser person by having had the experiences. they have made me stronger, and ultimately, happier.
so birthdays won't be celebrated in a crowd or by the people who were once close to me. christmas will be less in many ways, be could be more if i chose to make it that way, which i will. new is not bad, and neither is different. what is bad is dwelling on what i am cutting loose, or thinking about why it is happening. i guess i could be really angry with her, but what is the point? nothing is really going to stay the same, regardless of if i am happy or sad with her needs. so it is up to me to make lemonade out of the lemon, and i will.
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