sailing on an even keel into the holidays

this year my christmas foxhole seems to be a little more civilized and i am wearing it like a pair of flannel pjs. it is not wool and itchy. it is smooth and baggy. i get lost in it sometimes, but for the most part it is right now ok.

so what was that all about?

normally, i feel like a soldier on guard in the middle of the night, alone and on alert. i am looking for all possible ways to be invaded and attacked. when things are quiet, i never allow myself to think about anything other than the immediate mission: to stay prepared for the blow. it will come. it is just a matter of time, and a matter of out thinking the enemy.

i guess that is one helluva way to consider your supposed happy holidays and the players in that xmas play, the family. but it is what it is. despite my attempts to rid myself of xmas hopes, i am always somehow disappointed. the best i could ask for would be to approach the holidays from the standpoint of no expectations. that works for me, but it doesn't work for my mother, who invents the mythical family xmas in her head each year. i spend a lot of time trying to make that come true, but i can't control the actions of others. the dry run of this behavior was thanksgiving, where she got upset over something pretty simple dealing with the food. you could just look at the facial expression and then the pout. i recognized the switch very quickly, and then attempted to change the subject and divert. the problem here is that it wasn't anything that i said...and there is the rub. i can't control what austin or uncle jack or daddy said or did. but the effect is the same. she has an attitude switch, and then the awkwardness begins.

this year, she headed out on the same path of we will do this, we will do that. what i hate about it is that it is all so orchestrated and FAKE, or at least seems fake to me. all this stuff about family and being together basically makes my skin crawl. if that were true, there would not be the incidents, the ugly words, the silences, the criticism, the underlying tension. as a family, i think we are quite fractured. i can't stay in that environment for an extended period of time, so i come home and go to the davis' xmas dinner and then return. too much togetherness makes me insane, especially when i don't want to be in that situation. it is several days of being on foxhole alert, knowing that the invasion is imminent.

so right now i am trying to enjoy simple pleasures. i have been writing about them on facebook. things that are small and make me happy. i am trying to circle around those, utilize them, take small moments of pleasure and use them to bolster my resolve to get through the holidays. this year i have let go of a lot of things, mostly the desire to get everything right for my mother. i realize now i just can't do it. the first thing on the list of problems has been with lindsey coming down to the beach during this time. austin had envisioned her coming down there for several days. my mother has an attitude both about lindsey and about lindsey being an outsider invading the xmas expectations/vision that she has. the vision is NOT inclusive. the only players allowed in the play are the ones she wants, and she has all of the roles picked out. lindsey is an unknown, and a stress in my mother's mind, for last year we had amy and despite the fact that i thought things went ok, it stressed out my mother because she felt responsible for amy's happiness and spent too much time (in her opinion) watching amy and feeling responsible for her happiness. this was not a good thing for mom, because she only wanted to concentrate on making her vision come true. amy, while quiet and unobtrusive (in my opinion), was a huge distraction apparently to my mother. she mentioned having to work to talk to her and then amy having a stomach issue. the irony is that i didn't see it that way, but the lesson for me is that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS TRUE OR JUSTIFIED. it is what my mother walked away with, and subsequently it colored her vision of what she wanted this year.

the problem just continues with me. each year i try to anticipate what she wants, and that in turn causes me to be totally stressed out. i just can't anticipate it. i should just let it go, but i can't and in a way, that makes me just as bad as my mother. i, too, have a vision...which is NO vision. i would just like to have things fall where they may. i don't have to have everyone participate, although it is hard not to do that. i just like it to be quiet, sort of. and i guess i have to admit that i look at xmas as the time to see if i am valued. if it is based upon presents and things like that, i am ranking pretty low. apparently, the perception is that this is no big deal. it just goes to show you how each person approaches xmas with a different type of expectation. i have to say that for many years i appreciated the gifts that doris gave me. she was the only one, in my opinion, who took the time to think about what i would want, or to find something that she thought i would be interested in. that was because she paid attention when i wasn't paying attention. i don't truthfully have anyone now that i know is paying any attention to me or what i like or want. consequently, i end up feeling a lot un-special. this is the heart of my xmas dreariness. with doris gone, no husband, and a male child who is like his father, that eliminates that. plus, add in my mother, who last year declared they would not being gifts, and there you have it...the ultimate visual that the parents don't have a clue that this might be important to me. my mother pretty much has never given much thought to me or my feelings. for the most part, i embarrass her because i do have emotions. but she has spent my lifetime pretty much making me pay for that ability.

into the fray enters lindsey, who is the opposite of amy and a whole different set of issues. mom immediately said no overnight with lindsey. just to show you how different we are, i didn't remember any of the things that stuck in my mother's mind about amy's visit last year, not the least of it being that i didn't remember she spent the night. my mother did. so when they were up here last week for austin's basketball game against hanover, my mother immediately started with there will be no interlopers in the xmas vision this year. i told her that austin had thought he was going to bring lindsey down for at least overnight, and mom said now. she actually pouted, even with the facial expressions and vocals and lower lip stuck out. i told her i would handle it, no small feat. mom seems to think lindsey or me are the source of problems that austin has, especially lindsey. so naturally, lindsey would be the target in the xmas pageant. so i told austin she was only down for the day. he wasn't getting it, which i guess is fortunate, in that i didn't want him to know that she doesn't really like lindsey (while all the while saying she does, but she doesn't.) i am not sure if she would like anyone...which is one reason i kept my friends from her. she is quick with the critical, nasty comment out of left field. she can hone in on things that you never saw, and she is not forgiving, nor is she forgetting.
in any case, i told her i had handled it all...i would bring lindsey for the day. but then she started obsessing over the break in the plans and began with the "her coming has spoiled everything" overture/unspoken thing. i was somewhat exasperated, because i got it down to her coming for a day, but mom wasn't having it. nothing was going easily in this case, so i just said she would have to make a switch. have the boys make the lasagna on tuesday and serve it for lunch on wednesday. she couldn't get off the spoiling it thing (her vision of what the boys, who could give a shit, would be doing...they must do their traditional shopping, make the lasagna, and whatever my sainted brother was planning). i spoke with my dad, finally, at the end of the conversation and told him he needed to get her in a place where compromise was a virtue. he didn't say much, but he knows what i am talking about. he certainly lives with it and has for over 50 years. in any case, a few hours later she called, repentant of sorts, to say she had changed her mind. unfortunately, for me, a stressful moment: austin was sitting next to me at the pad thai place for lunch, and had just been chortling about how he would wear down the grandmother so she would let lindsey come down. he grabbed the phone out of my hand, and that actually was what she was calling to tell me. she had had a change of heart. i wonder what my father said or did, if anything, but in any case she has been a bit sheepish about the retraction, but she did retract the dictum, so lindsey is now going overnight. i have told my mother i would handle lindsey and she would not have to be stuck with her or entertain her by herself (this happened recently when austin took lindsey to the beach to visit them.)

of course, this now puts the problem of lindsey on me, which means i am going to have to brief her before the battle, and at least ATTEMPT to get her to tone down her act. austin will also need to do that, and of course, the stress now gets to extend to another generation. i am once again thankful that i have the davis dinner to escape to. i have used it the last several years to give me a break from family togetherness.

at this point, at least i know what my role is going to be in the family fractured fairytale. my hope is that nothing else crops up that i will have to manage. i am not feeling like i want to manage anything, as exhibited by my complete lack of interest in doing anything for xmas that smacks of organization. i got my lights up outside courtesy of the kids. i have played my xmas music. i got a tree and put it up and it has lights on it, but so far no decorations. i will get to those when i get motivated. today i am hoping to do a dry run on the ravioli i want to make as xmas presents. i haven't put xmas stuff up in the house yet, but i will when i feel like it. i am enjoying things piecemeal, like my xmas socks and outfits. i haven't added anything this year, which is a good thing i think.

so, now i have written down the tentative script for this years play. let the festivities/rehearsals begin...

simple pleasures

i keep thinking of these things, and then i forget to write them down. so now i have decided to try and just list them here, and when i need one, i will know where to go to remind myself what i can do to make a happy moment.

wood smoke
the smell of pine and xmas things
the birds at the bird feeder
xmas cactii blooming
snipping fresh herbs from the plants
stroking olivia's fur
cat's up on the bed
a good cup of tea sitting on the deck in the morning
a good cup of coffee in a rainy, cold day
xm radio
the DECEMBER album by george winston
xmas music until it is no longer fun!
playing my guitar
sinking down into my bed and laying there
the feel of good carpeting on my feet
good bbq
good bbq ribs
someone rubbing my back and shoulders
someone rubbing my feet
cocoa butter on my feet
a bath with my special bath salt and smells
someone rubbing my head
the day that green grass shoots come up in spring
a full moon
PEEPER FROGS IN SPRING
sitting on my swing and listening to the waterfall
playing crazy 8's with bebo, nick, jean, rob, meg, mike and amy and laughing my ass off
watching happy old movies
40's swing music on xm\
the window opened a bit all year round
good incense
a lava lamp
looking at fish in a tank at night
good fried shrimp
a good hot dog
standing outside at night in the snow
A SNOW DAY!!!
my happy friday shoes
playing with the cats with the laser pointer
kittens
making a good piece of jewelry
seattle, san francisco, albuquerque/santa fe...not so simple, but so relaxing!
homemade macaroni and cheese
a hug

Daily OM-Choosing Not To Be a Target of Emotional Attacks

this does sort of hit the heart of what i have been blue about over the last few weeks. i had a huge breakdown a week ago after austin just attacked me out of the blue over my dropping the television. it was as if he just had to come upstairs and start something with me. it made me feel exactly the way this article says you will feel if you allow someone to get to you. unfortunately, i am just no good at protecting myself these days, although i have felt better since i had the big cry. austin has been a bit more docile, but there are still problems, and by his own admission, it appears he is depressed. i don't know what exactly it is about, but i have gotten him in to see my old therapist on friday. i did talk to her on the phone last night and she asked a lot of background questions. she did say that his problems may be more adhd related than depression related. in any case, i am doing all i can to get him what he needs to get back on his feet.

December 2, 2009
Choosing Not To Be a Target of Emotional Attacks
Hurtful confrontations often leave us feeling drained and confused. When someone attacks us emotionally, we may wonder what we did to rouse their anger, and we take their actions personally. We may ask ourselves what we could have done to compel them to behave or speak that way toward us. It’s important to remember that there are no real targets in an emotional attack and that it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their uncomfortable feelings away from themselves. When people are overcome by strong emotions, like hurt or anguish, they may see themselves as victims and lash out at others as a means of protection or to make themselves feel better. You may be able to shield yourself from an emotional attack by not taking the behavior personally. First, however, it is good to cultivate a state of detachment that can provide you with some protection from the person who is attacking you. This will allow you to feel compassion for this person and remember that their beha! vior isn’t as much about you as it is about their need to vent their emotions. If you have difficulty remaining unaffected by someone’s behavior, take a moment to breathe deeply and remind yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong, and you aren’t responsible for people’s feelings. If you can see that this person is indirectly expressing a need to you—whether they are reaching out for help or wanting to be heard—you may be able to diffuse the attack by getting them to talk about what is really bothering them. You cannot control other people’s emotions, but you can control your own. If you sense yourself responding to their negativity, try not to let yourself. Keep your heart open to them, and they may let go of their defensiveness and yield to your compassion and openness.

into the cat cave...

my frustration with the male species, especially the phylum YOUNG, continues to grow and prosper.

austin is still at this father's house, albeit on restrictions again, this time because he stayed up too late playing computer games. the result is no computers tonight. however, his father is completely unaware of the fact that he is supposed to give an oral report on friday in his dual enrollment english class on a book that he never got and has not read. his efforts to secure a copy of it were meager at best, resulting in my having to drive in the dark to the barnes & noble on libbie avenue to get the book.

i stopped by bebo's on my way home, as i had purchased a dozen warm krispy kreme donuts and had no one to share them with. i gave him the book, and the donuts, and in return i got a lecture from him on again letting austin fail. this time my crime was going over his college essays before he sent them off to UVA's baseball coach for review. in bebo's opinion, i am making austin out to be someone he isn't, and next year he will fail it anyway and they will find it out. he says that i am making no progress with austin's skills and i am just "dressing up the monkey and hiding his tail." in his grand opinion, i am wasting my time and shouldn't do it, period.

as usual, his view is negative and disappointing, something he is prone to and is the reason (in my opinion) why he is perpetually unsatisfied with life. he never offers a solution or anything positive as an alternative. his new campaign is "let austin fail" and so he can learn a lesson. as i told him, there is $60,000 tied up in this personal opinion of his, and i am not about to let austin throw it away because he needs to learn a lesson right now. he can learn a lesson when it costs me less.

it is really infuriating that bebo, who has done almost nothing at all to help get austin where he is, can be so pompous and believe that his opinion should have any weight anywhere. he has lived totally free of any daily or even weekly responsibilities for austin short of paying child support. he is the most difficult person to understand and reason with, as his ideas seem to come out of left field and have almost no basis in anything practical. his taking the phone away vs. computer games only shows how unattuned his is to what austin values. he is very quick to let me and austin both know that i haven't disciplined austin and had he been with bebo, he would have had rules, etc. bebo could have been a discipline asset had he had any reasonable idea about what would be the best way to punish austin. but his punishments have never fit the crime, and have been either totally ridiculous because they were too severe, or nonexistent because he didn't think anything should be done. on this subject we have never been on the same page, period.

there is some basis in his belief that austin should fail at something and take the consequences. but all of the areas he is balancing precariously in have huge consequences, mostly monetary, that directly affect me in more ways than just financial. sometimes i just think bebo would like austin to do badly just so that he could point to me and say i am the reason. had i let him fail at something, he would have learned his lesson, blah, blah, blah. there are ways to teach a lesson, but a life altering one such as not going to college doesn't seem to be a wise move. it is a stupid move, period. i think as a parent you have to step in sometimes and just do it. but consistently baling austin out all the time would be wrong as well, and i have tried hard to stay out of that realm. but it has become necessary for me to be involved with the academics this year because austin is not doing what he needs to do because he is in the senioritis phase. i recognize that, and i am monitoring it. all i want to do is monitor, not intervene. but intervene i will if he does not do what needs to be done. if i have to go and do something that should have been done by him, i will do that and there will be consequences. this time i think it will be that austin will take my car after school tomorrow and clean out the inside of it. he took my time, so i am going to take his.

i am in the land of disappointment right now, and it is not a strange land to me. however familiar it is, i still don't find being here any kind of comfort, and would really like to climb out of this valley and sit on the mountaintops. the view from there surely has to be better, more inspiring, than the shadows i fall in and out of in the flatlands.

medical update on me

lots of tests, lots of small issues. i am on new meds, higher dosages of the ones i have been on. i just had a colonoscopy yesterday and they removed 3 polyps. i have passed two small kidney stones and a lot of gravel in the last 2 weeks. i was in a huge fibro loop for about 2 months that finally has gotten somewhat manageable. i had the h1n1 flu in september which turned into walking pneumonia. it was discovered that my heart was enlarged, so i had an echocardiogram and the end result was that my high blood pressure has done a bit of damage. new bp meds, and the bp is down. my thyroid and cholesterol are down and i have lost some weight. i have had ongoing issues with choking, swallowing, getting stuck, so they did an upper g.i. and small intestine series last wednesday. don't have the results back on that yet, and won't have biopsy results on the colon until next week. they didn't seem to think anything was bad in there, so i will go with that.

meg got me reading a book called POTATOES, NOT PROZAC and it is about sugar addiction. i read it and saw myself all over it. i am doing the first step, which is eating breakfast each morning. i am getting used to that and i am feeling a bit better i think. the next move is to eat more protein and to start journaling what i am eating so i can pinpoint the addictive triggers. i like the concept of the book, and i think it is something i can do.

all the meds have made me sort of mellow.

thinking, which can sometimes be a bad thing!

the thing about writing is you have to start doing it, period. i haven't, but i have had this nagging feeling that i should be doing it and would be happier if i were. so i am. now.

on my mind right now is austin, who is going through a rough spot. senioritis i guess, but i feel like the punching bag. he wants to do whatever he wants when he wants to. i am at fault for letting logic rule the day in all cases. not a good precident, and now i am paying for it. bebo and i talked to him last week about his attitude and his mouth, but he doesn't seem to get it. in any case, i told him if he were to start doing the things he is supposed to do, when he is supposed to do them, that he could do more things that he wants. but he is not doing the basic things. he isn't keeping up with his classwork and is skipping classes. he doesn't do his chores on a timely basis and never completes anything. what he does is sloppy and half assed. and there is always stress involved in getting him to do anything. throw in bebo who thinks he should be allowed to fail, and it makes it very complicated.

austin has moved himself to bebo's for awhile, mostly in protest over the fact i will not let him go out and "spend the night with friends." this translates in his being able to stay wherever with whomever and having no supervision to speak of. they are apparently going around and doing pranks on each other. austin thinks that because he tells me what he is doing, i will approve. bebo has said i should let him have some fun. but fun is all he is doing, and he is not doing the other things he needs to do. bebo's version of discipline is different from mine, so we have a split there. this last week he took the phone away from austin, which wasn't much of anything because he could use the house phone and when he was with lindsey, he could use her phone. the only one punished was me, who worried about him being in the car with no phone, and therefore no lifeline if there were a problem. bebo doesn't seem to believe that taking away the computer would be a better punishment. that would be because he is clueless about really parenting and lives on his version in his head what HE would do, which isn't rational or based in anything vaguely resembling useful.

i am living in the house with the cats and quiet and me on the downlow. i am not quite in the girl cave, but the house itself has become something of a cavern. i am feeling a lot alone right now, and a bit sad. this is austin's last time at home, the end of his childhood. i never pictured that the last year would be hell. i thought he would have matured and it would be easy. i badly miscalculated that one. it has been a huge struggle for power and control on his part, and a huge struggle for a happy ending on my part.

there are a lot of things to be considered, not the least of which is how i will live after he is really gone. this has been something of a good thing in that i am getting used to it. but i do feel a lot unloved and uncared about right now, sort of childish i guess, but it is how i am feeling. it does point out that when it gets right down to it, i am really alone and i do not have a partner or a primary person in my life who is interested in me. i am not in the mode of recruiting one. i would just like my son to be a little empathetic and caring. at this point, i might as well be pissing up a rope to think that would be happening.

his behavior has caused me to question parts of his character, and i don't like what i am seeing. i don't like the way he is treating lindsey. but i also don't like the way she acts around him or in certain situations. she is a handful on a good day, and is sort of high maintenance. i often think that amy would have been better for him in the long run vs. lindsey. two opposites, believe me. he seems to be more himself with lindsey, but i am not sure i like some of that either. in the long run, i am left to ponder who my son is, and it doesn't always compute. i guess he is still a work in progress. i can only hope that he turns out to be a good man. i don't seem to get to see any of the good stuff, only the bad and the ugly. that i could do without. what is scary is that the ones he is closest too he tends to treat in an inconsiderate manner. he can be sweet and a lot of other things, but i don't see much of it. i just feel a lot abused and taken advantage of. again i have to hope that i have done some things right along the way and that he will turn out to be a good man.

what i did on my summer vacation

keeping track of the traveling:
in june, as soon as school was out, we went to cincinnati for 5 days. i had never been there and wanted to make that trek. it had been a long time since i had been to the midwest. it was an interesting town. i ate in a couple of chili places, collected different types of chili from the kroger, and discovered coneys, which are little mini-hot dogs with chili. never had seen those before. one day i went downt to the ohio river to the riverfront park area and walk on the purple people eater bridge. there was an art show out on one side of the bridge, and a riverboat churning under the bridge. i wanted to get down to the river and get a rock, but it wasn't set up to do that easily, so i left cincinnati without one. this journey was also noted as when i got told that austin had had sex for the first time with his girlfriend. it wasn't like i didn't think this would happen, but i thought it would be later. we were in east jesus, ohio, traversing 50 miles of 2 lane roads because the males in the convoy had a "better way" i.e. using the stupid GARMIN gps. note: they all suck and i can't imagine why anyone would use one. anyway, i cried when austin told me, but i didn't really understand why. he did. he said "you are crying because i am not a little boy anymore." and this is true. it was the beginning of a summer in which i found out how much i don't really know my son and how much i don't have any control over anything he says, does, or feels. the real reason we went to cincinnati was to play ball, and they won the tourney, which was nice. it was a fast 8 hour pedal-to-the-metal drive back home because austin had to get to the DIAMOND by 8am the next morning for his tryouts with the arizona diamondbacks (he made the team.)
next, a hot saturday was spent in williamsburg watching silly games on dusty field. not a fun day. nothing memorable.
JULY: austin went off to atlanta for 2 weeks. this trip was precipitated by a speeding ticket on the morning he left and a total meltdown by me over not being able to control anything, his being a total dick and obnoxious. not what i wanted to have happen at that point. but it did. and i think now it was a good thing. i went to bed that monday with a headache and pretty much cried and slept the whole day. in the long run, i think this was the break. since then, my parenting has been sketchy at best. i am now used to not seeing him for long periods of time, and find that when he is here, it just stresses me out because he never does what i ask him to do house wise. it is very upsetting and all summer i have felt devalued and disrespected. i don't know whether my acceptance of his sexual situation and hearing about it from both he and lindsey has made me less respectable in their eyes, but i don't think i can change that. i am not comfortable totally with the situation, but not because i disapprove so much as i don't care and wonder if i should. the birth control is taken care of, and i have more or less looked the other way concerning their activities. i know they have sex in the house. i have asked not to have it in my face about what they are doing, but they are pretty open and jokey about it, which weirds me out a lot. but again, i don't care really. i figure at this point i could make them feel guilty, make them sneak around, but what good comes from that? bad sex and lots of guilt. if they are going to do it, might as well make it stress free and pleasurable. what they do later in their lives, i don't know. and i don't know if i have made the right move or not, but the move it made. so be it.

the second week austin was gone i went to seattle, and i had a simply marvelous time. for the first time since pam and i were in new mexico, i was completely relaxed. i was totally enraptured with the weather, the flowers, the food, the culture, the people, all of it. if i could have stayed there longer, i would have.

before i left for seattle, i went up to petersburg, wva to uncle jack's farm. mom and dad were there also, and we helped him prepare for his annual 4th of july party. the memorable thing there was the UNmemorable bbq that he had made and it was tres bland. mom and i tried to doctor it up as best we could. mom was a bit irritated because she spent most of the time doing work for the party. daddy's hip went out and he was down for the count for a day. we couldn't walk to the creek or the barn because both places were overgrown with weeds. i spent some time doing puzzles and we did a bit of shopping. the fireworks were marvelous and i took some really good pictures of them. i discovered a broasted chicken place in harrisonburg off of the interstate at 33, and got some and took it home with me. that was the first time i had had broasted chicken since we at it at bob's diner in Sioux falls, sd.

there was a trip to nc. to play ball at unc and at campbell university. we stayed with kathy houlihan in youngville, nc and that was fun. she and jim have "retired" there and have a huge, lovely home. we gabbed all night. jim wasn't there (it was during the week) and we returned to richmond on a friday so that austin could leave on saturday to go to myrtle beach for a week with lindsey's family. the next trip was the following thursday, when i drove to myrtle beach and spent an amusing, but sleepless night in the "condo" that lindsey's father's girlfriend had gotten. it was not the size of my san francisco room, and everyone was sleeping in one room. i got no sleep, and listened to 36 songs by josh groban 3 times over and over on the IPOD. austin and i got up early and drove to lakeland, FL where he was playing for 5 days in the east coast showcase baseball deal.

august: and it started in florida, which i hate, and still hate. the weather was miserably hot. i did some shopping there, at a lot of hot dogs at the checkers stand. daddy flew down on saturday and i was glad he did that. it was the first time i had spent time with him alone in my whole life. we drove around during the day sometimes and went into lakeland, which is a quaint little town. we went looking for oranges one day, but didn't find any (out of season in that part of the state.) austin was in the tigertown complex in his dorm, so we saw him some, but not a lot. i went to orlando twice, once to pick daddy up from the airport and once to eat at bubba gumps at universal studios. we had a bad rain storm going, and austin went with us. we had quite a hike from the parking lot to the restaurant and there were tons of people despite the heat and rain. it just confirmed my resolve never to go to a theme park in the summer, period. on sunday daddy and i went over to tampa to eat cuban food at a restaurant recomended on roadfoods.com. we were both underwhelmed. it was pretty bland and i was pretty disappointed. but most of my food choices in situations like that are good, so i guess i can't complain too much. the holiday inn that we stayed in was nice and i had a huge room, king bed, and a fridge and microwave. daddy was down the hall from me in my own room. we put him on the plane and booked for virginia, an all day drive. we stopped and did get produce outside of daytona (oranges for the neighbors) and then straight home for the most part with few stops. i drove the first 6, austin the last 6 and we made it, again, in record time. the trip wasn't a waste in that austin got seen by all these scouts, but it was much ado about nothing. he didn't play the whole week except 3 at bats (l hit, l walk, l strikeout) and he pitched 2 innings in the last game of the whole tourney, the last day. i had to sit in the heat and sweat myself sick for 4 days to see it. he did pitch well, over 90+ and he struck out 3, including ozzie guillen's son. one walk, one hit. pretty quick work. he didn't get to play first at all, and it was obvious that some of the coaches had favorites who got to play all the time.

after we got back from florida, pam and i went down to visit chuck and linda barat in horsehoe, nc, which is south of asheville, and north of hendersonville. we had a fun, relaxing time. pam went to the biltmore and chuck and i went to the nc farmers market, where of course i went nuts. we went to a nursery where i bought black mondo grass and a pitcher plant. we went to the art district of asheville on saturday and went into several galleries. we ended up eating thai and shopping in hendersonville and that night played hearts and spades and listened to the classic vinyl station on XM radio, where i knew all of the artists! we enjoyed looking at the plants and gardening things, and they have a lovely koi pond and have done a great job of landscaping the place, which is up on top of a mountain. pam and i drove back via danville and southeast virginia, which i hadn't been in in a long, long time, so that was an interesting twist to traveling.

daddy had hip surgery, so i made a couple of trips down to the beach, but never got on the beach. i spent a day with my mother and we did a little shopping and went to pollards for dinner and out to lunch at a deli, where i had one of the largest reuben sandwiches i have ever had. i had decided to spend time with my mother one on one like i had with daddy. we were supposed to go to the beach, but it was very hot and she didn't want to do that, so we went shopping instead and i actually bought clothes. daddy did fine with his surgery and has continued to do well. i had thought i would go back and help them last weekend, but they didn't need me since he was doing so well. lindsey and austin went on wednesday and took them uncle al's hotdogs and visited for the day. when i was there that last time i ate a footlong hormel hotdog at danny's drive in on kempsville rd, and i was happy about that in that i had been driving past that place for 40 years and had never stopped and eaten there. it turned out that they have 3 kinds of hotdogs, gwaltney, hormel and nathans as well as deli sandwiches. it was a good stop!

i went back to school on monday and i have been tired, but cerebral all week. i have been in a flare since 8/4 and it has not subsided. i was supposed to have gone down to cary, nc yesterday for austin's baseball, but i just didn't feel good and bebo was going anyway, so it was all good. i think i just need to rest.

florida...again

the good news about the trip to florida is that i got to spend several days there with my father, which was a first that we have ever done that. my mother hasn't been feeling well and has some lower digestive issues, so she opted not to go. the other good news was that austin pitched pretty well in the two innings that he got to pitch in and that he walked away feeling like he had done well.

the bad news was that the east coast pro showcase was not what it was cracked up to be. i learned a lot about the major league draft process, and i learned a lot about the favoritism aspect of it. obviously, the kids who were favored got to play, a lot. those not so, barely got a shot. austin got exactly 3 at bats the whole time he was there. he also had his pitching slot changed to the last day when virtually all of the scouts were gone. in other words, he did not get his day in the sun like some of the others. they also let some of the favored ones play multiple times and multiple positions, whereas austin did not get to do anything but pitch. it was very frustrating to watch, especially since i didn't see anyone who i thought was all that spectacular. some of the ones being highlighted weren't any better than austin either. but according to him, they were going to go up in the draft. i don't know what will come out of this for him, but in any case, it really doesn't matter. he has his ride at virginia, so anything else would be gravy.

prehaps the good thing is that he has come home and decided he needs to get himself to the point where he can pitch full time and start. he seemed determined to get himself in shape and be able to be considered for the draft. i hope he does do that.

insignificant afterthought

there are moments when i drift back to this place that i don't like, and i dwell in it. maybe it is normal for women my age to feel this way, but over the last few days, i have felt like the girl cave with the cats is the best place to be. contact with the outside world seems to exacerbate my feelings that i am never a priority in any other person's life, and never have been.

why is that?

too much time has been wasted trying to figure this one out. it is what it is. but how did it get to be this way? was this part of the package when i came here this time? am i supposed to be working this out? i am trying to be open minded, but i keep coming back over and over to this. no one out there in my life, especially those people who should be concerned about me, seem to take me or my feelings seriously. this gives me a serious case of "i-feel-sorry-for me" and, while i don't like it, it is starting to be a nasty little niche i stay in.

when i was a kid i couldn't make any friends who seemed to like me or want to seek me out. i was the afterthought, the 3rd wheel, the kid someone hung with because she was just there. i know i talked a lot, i know i was hyperactive. but i also know i wanted friends, and none sought me out. i always had to be the person trying to make friends with someone. it didn't improve when we moved to richmond and i spent middle school with no significant best friends until i met pauline, ginny and ginger. they were considerably older than i was, but did seem to like having me around and we did things together and it was fine. but then they all grew up, and by 1971, that was over and i was on my own at school and in the neighborhood.

i met m.j. in 1973 and have spent the last 35 years being at the bottom of the pedestal looking up. after having spent 4 days with her in june, i finally got the closure i needed. she herself said that if it hadn't been for me, she probably wouldn't still be friends with me. that says a lot. and it is also indicative of what i have done my whole life, which is make the phone calls, maintain the lifeline. few people actually call me. and again, i have to wonder why.

but it gets worse in many ways when i look at those people in my life who were supposed to love me and think about me. parents. bebo. austin. and in all cases, i am sort of insignificant on their radars, a blip. my mother i have spent a lifetime trying to please, and while i have figured out somethings, i am never without my guard up. she is getting better in her old age, but i do not trust her with my feelings too much. i try, too much i might say, and i am always disappointed. i have at least learned she is not to be trusted to not hurt me, but i guess i will go to my grave being optimistic. the fact is, she is emotionally unavailable in most ways for me. her reactions to anything i say involving how i feel are never what you would expect from a mother. they aren't comforting. there isn't much of a feeling of anything but anger or annoyance with who or what has upset me. she doesn't know how to comfort. i know it is not her fault, and thank god i learned that lesson as i got older. but it still doesn't mean i don't wish to be parented like the model.

bebo never really gave a shit about my feelings or what i needed/wanted. even when would tell him, if he didn't have the same feelings/experiences under his belt, what i felt was insignificant. period. and this was someone i was married to for 14 years. while he is a good person, he was unavailable too.

my brother is totally caught up in his own thoughts and problems, and when i discuss or mention anything to him, he is off on a tangent of either comparing himself to the problem (and how his experience might have been worse), giving me advice (based upon his own experiences, which aren't mine), or talking about himself for long periods of time and forgetting whatever it was that i was talking about. this is why i don't like talking to him anymore.

and then there is austin, who has the incredible ability to make me just weep. i see, unfortunately, his father and his lack of empathy stamped all over austin, and it worries me. i cannot distinguish any longer whether his choices are because he is 17, or if they are who he has developed into. unquestionably, being a male AND a young are playing into all of this. but he is just either hell bent on doing what he wants, or he is just so unconnected that he doesn't care. he doesn't seem to value what i feel. i cannot seem to get him to see that he needs to stop arguing with me and just give me a little comfort or at least validation. he doesn't need to have had the experience to be at least sympathetic. instead, he makes things all worse by arguing with me until i am crying, more out of frustration that no one hears me than anything else. and when i reach that point, it hurts. and i am down into the girl cave and hiding.

time passing seems to smooth over the waves of whatever tempest has upset the current boat. but i keep going back to the same question: why doesn't anyone love me enough to care how i feel? what is it about me that no one seems to want to listen to what i have to say or even give me a hug? i am bereft of all of this type of comfort when down, and this is why i find my cats to be ultimately more delightful and helpful than humans.

patience and the same old same old

austin spent the evening with my brother, who promptly called me to tell me about the alien who has become my son. not that i did not know that he is someone now that i don't recognize, but hearing my brother go on and on about it was almost redundant. worry, worry, worry. he isn't the person he was at xmas. blah, blah, blah. it isn't that i don't appreciate his observations, but they were negative. and then there was his take on lindsey, and i find myself again, suprisingly, having to defend this kid as not being the reason that austin has become a swaggering asshole.

i am not looking forward to being pinned down by my parental units over the next 2 days about austin. i know they will both try and talk to me about him, and worm info out of me. i have got to get some resolve and just refuse to discuss stuff. they, especially my mother, know how to push all of my buttons and exploit my weaknesses to their advantage. i just do not want anything else to color how they think about lindsey. it really isn't fair. they don't know her, and they are putting me in the position of having to sort of choose between their observations and whether or not they are correct. they are correct, but they are jumping to conclusions without the proper information. bottom line: i like her. i am the "mother-in-law" and i am the person with first right of refusal. period.

Daily OM- Residing at the Helm/Being Your Own Village

July 2, 2009
Residing at the Helm
Being Your Own Village

Simple survival requires us to be in possession of many skills. The pursuit of dreams requires many more. Most individuals rely on the support of a village, whether peopled by relatives or community members, to effectively address the numerous ways we need assistance. This can mean anything from asking favors of acquaintances and leaning on loved ones for support to paying a skilled artisan to handle specialized tasks. However, each human being is born with the capacity to be their own village. We embody many roles throughout our lifetimes, all of which are representative of our capacity for self-sufficiency and self-determination. In different moments in our lives, we are our own counselor, janitor, caregiver, cook, healer, teacher, and student. Our willingness to joyfully take on these roles grants us the power to maintain control over the direction our life’s journey takes.

In times past, human beings learned all of the skills needed for survival. Today, the majority of people specialize in a single discipline, which they hone throughout their lives. Thus, many of us feel uncomfortable standing at the helm of our own existence. We question our ability to make decisions concerning our own health, happiness, and welfare, and are left feeling dependent and powerless. But the authority to take ultimate responsibility for our lives is simply a matter of believing that we have the necessary faith and intelligence to cope with any circumstance the universe chooses to place in our path. Proving that we can each be our own villages through action enables us to accept that we are strong enough to exist autonomously. Cooking, cultivating a garden of fruits and vegetables, undertaking minor home repair, or adopting a healthier lifestyle can help you reassert your will.

Being your own village does not mean embracing isolation, for a balanced life is built upon the dual foundations of the inner and the outer villages. Rather, being your own village is a celebration of your wondrous inner strength and resourcefulness, as well as an acknowledgment of your innate ability to capably steer the course of your life.

This is good advice for me today. i need to be more confident about doing things for myself. i need to stand up for myself, do what i want when i want and not be such an emotional wimp. more than anything, i need to accept i am unique and different. i am NOT like the members of my family, though i have certainly been influenced by my upbringing. but i think i am a little more questioning, more open to thinking things through. i am learning this week to be alone and to let things go that i cannot control. it is not easy going. i am not succeeding 100 percent. but i am trying, and that is a step.

rearrangments, adjustments, the computer in my head...

we have not invented the technology that would allow your thoughts to go directly to paper. if that were the case, i would have filled up a book in the last few weeks. instead, i have thought about it. the thoughts have been like lumber going down a stream, random and running fast and then jamming at some point and stopping. at points i have been on the banks of the stream looking at them, at other points i have been in the stream. there is always a flow of water, of life, going on and on. and i am stuck. i am always stuck in life it seems.

the daily OM today talks about your purpose in life, and i have thought that one of those reasons i have crashed down in this particular scenario has had something to do with austin. i think that is true, but now i have reached a place where it is time for me to reexamine what i am doing, and maybe to adjust to a new purpose. on many levels i have believed that i should be a teacher, and i have taken the most conventional form of that and made it my life's work. but maybe that isn't it. maybe i am supposed to do something else, influence or change in some other way. i just don't know. and i am back in the logjam, again.

so many changes with austin. all of a sudden, he was gone and he is grown. what started it all was the simple act of getting as driver's license. it let him free in the world to take him wherever he wanted, gave him options he didn't previously have easy access to. life got to be cici's pizza buffet, with lots of good things, and any time you have too much of a good thing, it can turn around and bite you in the ass.

he has switched girlfriends. in a lot of ways, amy was a blessing in that she was naive, shy and very sheltered. i saw some good things come out of that relationship, and one of those was austin's ability to protect and care. but he outgrew her, and i realized that i really didn't know my son, or what made him happy. i went along with what i saw, and believed he was secure and happy. in fact, he was bored and tired of her and needed to move on because, as he said, he wasn't himself with her.

enter lindsey into his world. a student of mine this past year, she is about everything amy isn't, but not necessarily in bad way. she is open, forthright, outspoken, not shy. she set her goal to get him, and she did. he was a bit naive about the pursuit, but not really. she seems to make him happier and more relaxed, and he has a life separate from her, which he really didn't have with amy. he says and does anything with her, which he didn't do with amy, and i guess that is a good thing. along with this, however, came sex. and he told me about it, somewhere in the winding hills of southern ohio on a two lane road to nowhere. in fact, the road was going somewhere, but not where i thought it would go.

how i have handled the sex thing has been interesting. i did cry. i didn't know why, but austin did. he said it was because he was not a little kid anymore with this step. he was exactly right. we talked a lot about it, and about the quickness of this choice. i knew it was coming, but i was shocked at how fast it happened.

this led me to asking a lot of frank questions to both austin and lindsey. how were they able to make this choice of giving up their virginity so quickly? what i found out was that it seems that kids do NOT place a lot of emotional value on this act. it is perceived as being an "animal instinct" according to kelley lowe. this point of view came in a conversation between kelley, her mother (MJ) and myself sitting at the table in my kitchen discussing viewpoints. curiously, it seems that kids today are more afraid of words and talking as intimacy then they are of baring their bodies and the awkwardness and exposure of sex.

this is an interesting concept, and i have adopted it. it is radically different from my age and time. all of my contemporaries were in their twenties before we had sex, and everyone, except me, had it only with the person they married. we were all scared i believe of exposing ourselves. this was like some sacred, holy act. but it has been shown increasingly over the past few decades that we are dinosaurs wandering around jurassic park and our children are frolicking merrily outside the walls. so this spring, and these weeks have been me slowly leaving the park.

lindsey and i sat on the bleachers in the sun last monday while dave hacker ran austin and andrew through a workout. the sun was blazing, we were sharing wawa tea and my hoagie, and i asked her a lot of questions, in particular why she made the choice she did. she didn't really know. i thought it was planned, but it was not really according to her. it just happened. so maybe that is it. maybe things just happen because it is a moment, and there really is no more significance to it than that. i am left to wonder what the moments are in the lives of our children that will be significant and life changing. i am thinking increasingly that they are somehow always going to be negative.

this is a generation of children who have conversations on cellphones about things, who text back and forth constantly, who twitter and facebook. but they don't talk to each other. they fear looking someone in the eyes and telling them how they feel. they will fight, they will joke, they will sext each other with pictures, but they can't be intimate with their feelings. even austin is this way, telling me as we are wandering the walmart this past monday that he does love lindsey, but he hasn't told her that because it is awkward and weird and uncomfortable for him. i am wondering what could be more awkward than being naked and having sex in various ways. yet for him, this is easy, feelings are hard.

i do understand this, but i question what kind of adults these kids will be. what will they pass on to THEIR kids? will they be able to engage them in teaching them how to hug, to look at people, to show emotion? or will there be another generation of kids who operate in a semi-shallow way? what will they teach them about their hearts?

i wonder what i have taught austin about being honest with his feelings. i thought i had done a good job. he does talk to me, and he does tell me how he feels. but have i failed him by not teaching him how to walk in the world outside of our house? where is the line, and how will he know who to trust? in many ways, i want to teach him to make the effort, and that is what i told him monday. take the risk. i didn't, and it has changed the path of my life. i suspect that had i been more open and fearless, i might have had a different path.

so it comes back to what is my purpose here, and what should i do? and the answer is...no answer.

Daily OM- Defining Your Direction...

July 1, 2009
Defining Your Direction - Your Life’s Work
Many people are committed to professions and personal endeavors they never consciously planned to pursue. They attribute the shape of their lives to circumstance, taking on roles they feel are tolerable. Each of us, however, has been blessed with a purpose. Your life’s work is the assemblage of activities that allows you to express your intelligence and creativity, live in accordance with your values, and experience the profound joy of simply being yourself. Unlike traditional work, which may demand more of you than you are willing to give, life’s work demands nothing but your intent and passion for that work. Yet no one is born with an understanding of the scope of their purpose. If you have drifted through life, you may feel directionless. Striving to discover your life’s work can help you realize your true potential and live a more authentic, driven life.

To make this discovery, you must consider your interests in the present and the passions that moved you in the past. You may have felt attracted to a certain discipline or profession throughout your young life only to have steered away from your aspirations upon reaching adulthood. Or you may be harboring an interest as of yet unexplored. Consider what calls to you and then narrow it down. If you want to work with your hands, ask yourself what work will allow you to do so. You may be able to refine your life’s work within the context of your current occupations. If you want to change the world, consider whether your skills and talents lend themselves to philanthropic work. Taking stock of your strengths, passions, beliefs, and values can help you refine your search for purpose if you don’t know where to begin. Additionally, in your daily meditation, ask the universe to clarify your life’s work by providing signs and be sure to pay attention.

Since life’s journey is one of evolution, you may need to redefine your direction on multiple occasions throughout your lifetime. For instance, being an amazing parent can be your life’s work strongly for 18 years, then perhaps you have different work to do. Your life’s work may not be something you are recognized or financially compensated for, such as parenting, a beloved hobby, or a variety of other activities typically deemed inconsequential. Your love for a pursuit, however, gives it meaning. You’ll know you have discovered your life’s work when you wake eager to face each day and you feel good about not only what you do but also who you are.

4-20-09...an interesting, thought provoking day

hitler's birthday; the 10th anniversary of the columbine high school tragedy; 420, the national smoke pot and get high day...and austin's birthday...17 years ago tonight i was finally giving birth after 44 hours of ineffectual labor, 3 shifts of doctors and everyone doing all sorts of things while waiting for austin to pop out! meg went out and bought a car, and bebo went out and got a pizza. i listened to stevie ray vaughn while my 2nd epidural was running out...

at 7 a.m. amy thurston came to give austin his birthday gift. like last year, she had made a poster for his birthday saying "happy 17th austin" and she taped it to the glass of the front door. the difference, which made me cry, was that this year she signed it "your friend, amy thurston." that makes me cry. i don't know WHY, but it does. she gave austin 2 pairs of sunglasses, which he needs, and he said he wanted to hug her, but he couldn't. i tried to explain to him that that would have been appropriate, but he said no. boys are stupid. he did talk to her and thanked her for what she had done for him. she is trying really hard to be his friend. i hope he gets his head out of his ass before it is too late...

one of my former students from Atlee, bilal qureshi, came to school and spoke to two of my classes and 2 mass comm classes. he is currently a reporter and producer for NPR in d.c. i was impressed by what he did and how much he has matured since the last time i saw him. it is all coming together for him now. i am hoping that i can go up to d.c. one day this summer and see what he does at NPR. he seemed to really like that idea and i am hoping it will work out. he is doing my dream job, and i would love an opportunity to see how that works. he is hoping to start working on directing films, and is going to contact a director through a friend he knows to see if that person would be interested in hiring him. that is where he wants to go, and i think he has the talent to do that. certainly, he does have the drive.

we went for the results of austin's MRI and he did have a small tear in the labrum in his left hip, which was a surprise, but the bottom line was that dr. davis thought he should just continue to play baseball until it hurt him to the point of needing something done with it. he didn't think there was much point of doing anything now as long as it wasn't bothering him. austin also asked him to check his shoulder. he did an xray on it, and checked it and talked to austin about it. bottom line on that one is that it could be a strain, it could be a tear in the labrum in the shoulder or a strap muscle tear. but he said doing an MRI or a CAT scan on it would be inconclusive, and like the hip, he should throw when he wanted to and when it didn't hurt. but he also said that austin has to see a pitching coach because if he doesn't start using his legs and body when pitching, he is going to tear up the arm. so austin has weaknesses in the arm and hips, but nothing at this point to stop him from playing. he suggested physical therapy on the arm and they are trying to set that up.

i went and got an ice cream cake from dairy queen for his birthday, and austin, bebo, kitty, terre mark and i went to akita where they pigged out on sushi. bebo has bought speakers and a new tape deck for austin's car. i gave him a wawa gift card with gas on it, and i finally gave him the book i had been writing for him for the last 5 years. it is called WHAT WOMEN WANT, AND MEN ARE TOO GENETICALLY CLUELESS TO UNDERSTAND. i found a lucky penny and taped it to the folder i put it in and i also put $30 on the sonic card that mom and dad gave him for his birthday.

there have been a lot of things swirling in the universe to think about today.

a productive day!

i am going to write down what i did today, because i accomplished a lot, and that doesn't often happen for me.



i got up at a reasonable hour, having not gone to bed until 3 a.m. i stayed up late to finish reading CORSAIR by clive cussler. last night was the henrico-atlee baseball game, which was horrifying to watch in its frustration. however, austin managed to hit his first walk off homerun, and won the game for them, 9-8. someone threw the ball back and austin did get it. it was the first time he had had a walk off home run. based upon the coaching and the playing, we did NOT deserve to win, that is for sure. i have come to the conclusion that i don't enjoy watching high school baseball anymore. it is more frustrating than pleasurable. last night austin was supposed to pitch. instead, they kept the pitcher in the whole game, even though he was horrible, hit 5 kids and walked 6 and was getting smacked around. plus the coach managed to get himself ejected from the game, and he didn't go easily and generally made an ass of himself.



i went to facebook this morning and mj and gregg were one, so we talked about silly stuff from high school for probably over and hour. too bad we couldn't get a 3 way conversation going, but i don't think you can do that with IM.



after i finished on facebook, i called in my BP refill and headed out to the shed to see if ron had fixed the lawn tractor. he had. so i mowed the yard. i tried to weed wack, but the batteries weren't holding a charge. i took the time to empty the cat pans and wash them out and i filled the fountain pond at the same time. i went along the front walk and scraped up the mulch and dirt that had grown across the concrete. i couldn't get the push mower started, so some of the stuff didn't happen. i did finish most of the weed wacking and then i went to get my drugs at cvs and then to the new lowes. i had not been in there before, and it is pretty big and has a lot more stuff than home depot it seems, but it is more expensive there. i bought some marked down pansies, and some brick pavers to line the walk. the mulch gets over the bricks and on the concrete, so i am thinking i will put these down to keep the bed in place. if that doesn't look right, i will put them along the edge of the front bed near the street.



after i ate the taco bell that i got and talked to uncle jack on the phone, i watched a couple of CSI MIAMI episodes that i had taped, and then i went back outside to work. i also bought a headset to put on when you are mowing the lawn, and it has an ipod hookup, so i put on my garden gloves, got out the weed killer and then did the entire yard, including down around the willow tree, the street and the driveway. amy next door helped me move the nordic track into the SF room. i sat on the steps after i finished with the weed spraying and glued back the pink swan ceramic planter that used to be doris', but got broken. i sat in the rocking chair, watched spiders spin and some bats and birds fly around and listened to the ipod while i rocked, sort of a soundtrack to sunset! the partridges came by and showed me the frog and the turtle in the pond in front. the only things i didn't get to today were running the carpet cleaner in the front room and weeding the back two above ground garden beds. i filled the bird feeders and thought about going up to pam's to work on the upside down tomato planters, but it was a fleeting thought. i cooked asparagus for lunch and one of the cats nabbed one. what a weird thing for cats to eat!



i need to take a bath and go to bed. i am not hurting all that bad and i have had a lot more energy today than i have had in awhile. my back is still tender, but i am trying to make sure i don't push things too much. tomorrow austin and i are going to the beach to visit the 'rents.

endings and then transitions...

it has been weeks now that austin has been agonizing over what to do about his relationship with amy. last night, he told her he wanted to break up, and he went to her house to do that.

she didn't understand, as he knew she wouldn't. she kept thinking she had done something wrong, which she really hadn't. he had no explanation for her, or anyone else for that matter. he doesn't really know anything other than he doesn't feel the same about her. he has never had a girlfriend before her, and they have been together for 18 months. he, too, was her first big love. with high school kids, you have to expect that they will break up, but no matter what, you are never quite ready for the change.

he called me after he did it, driving in the car away from her place. he was just sobbing and sobbing, saying he didn't want to hurt her, that she hadn't done anything wrong and he still had to hurt her, that she didn't understand. he didn't get his ring back, which means he will have to see her. i couldn't help him. what do you say? it would have been a lot easier if i had allowed him to text her or do it over the phone, but i told him that he owed her that much after all this time. it wouldn't have been as hard for him i don't think, but in life, you have to look people in the eyes and not avoid personal confrontation.

we went to dinner last night at the pad thai place, a place he took her for dinner many times, with her family some, without her family. yesterday the lanyard she had given him that he has been using for his keys broke, and there were other things that happened in the course of the last couple of days that involved things breaking. he commented that he thought it was symbolic and intentional. that is the first time i have ever heard him look at life that way. usually, he avoids any mention of fate or karma. he says he doesn't believe in angel pennies. maybe he does after all...

as i am writing this, he is with bebo on his way to lumberton, n.c. to take mae back to the south carolina relatives. last night he said all he wanted to do was to get home. he was crying so hard that i thought he might wreck, and asked him to pull to the side, but he said no, he just wanted to get to his dad's house. i called bebo and told him what was going on and to not push him to talk or give advice.

there is no nice way to hurt someone. there is no magic fix, no cure, nothing but time that takes down the level of pain, on both sides. i know he has been confused and upset and dreading this, and putting it off. he says he has wanted to do it for 4 months, and that is probably true. i have certainly seen a lessening of his desire to be with her, and even in his seeing her at all. the only explanation he has been able to give is that she needs to mature and "take the training wheels off" which is probably true. she has been a lot sheltered, and he says that he has babied her for a long time, and now he is tired of it and doesn't want to do it. his anger over that i guess has killed his feelings for her. how do you tell someone to grow up? you can't. he may have added to his problem by NOT fighting with her or telling her what he was fed up over, but even then, he didn't want to hurt her.

he didn't get the ring back, which means he will have to see her again. maybe by then enough time will have passed that he can face her. right now, i dread the next week. i feel pretty inadequate as a parent, not able to say or do the right things. i guess the best is to just do nothing, because that seems to be what he wants to do. he has been awful to live with, and i have been the punching bag and the recipient of his misguided anger. i have finally had to confront him and be mean back, in that he just hasn't gotten it. i understand that you take things out on the people you are closest too, and yesterday i think he finally got that and did talk to me about it at dinner. i just tried to listen. i had told him yesterday morning that upon thinking about it, i don't feel he ever really gave her a chance to grow up. he wouldn't take her around his friends, he decided she would be uncomfortable or she would make them uncomfortable. he didn't give her any chance to "take off the training wheels" because HE decided it wouldn't work ahead of time. how would she ever be able to mature at all if not put in situations that required it? granted, she has been wrapped in cotton batting by her family AND austin, but someone had to push her out of the nest, and unfortunately, it wasn't austin. i told him that maybe he should have given her the opportunity in some or any type of social situation with his friends, but he refused. he never tried, ever. either he knows her way too well and knows she absolutely would do the things he feared, or he was doing a bebo and assuming he knew what she would do. i think it is the latter. i have seen a lot of growth and independence in her in the last year. as a matter of fact, she has been the one most busy since she started playing sports year round. she has been busy with her girlfriends and other extracurricular things as well as her school work.

and to make things more complicated, he has been hanging out steadily with another girl who is my student right now. she is the complete opposite of amy, and she and austin have become big confidants of each other. unfortunately for her, she made some mistakes in the 9th grade with boys, and now she is treated like a pariah. she has been honest with austin and told him what she did. she knows the boys won't give her a second look except for trying to take advantage of her. i think austin is the first "nice guy" who has been her friend, and she, like any other girl her age, wants a relationship with a boy who won't take advantage of her past. it is a sad example of what i have preached to my girl students for years: what you do stays with you forever. people are NOT forgiving. the label says. austin has confided in her about amy, and he says she is the only one he has talked to about baseball, and this is true. there is a level of comfort there for him with her, but he says he absolutely cannot date her, not matter what, because he knows too much, and he knows the guys who have been with her. he says he doesn't want the peer pressure, and he is not that kind of guy to take advantage of her. i told him that by being her friend, he had already given her back some credibility because everyone knows he is a goody 2 shoes. she also isn't the most beautiful girl in the face, and the boys tease austin about her. she has an interesting face, and a great body, but she is also probably too open for her own good. she wants him to take her to the prom just as friends, but i told him when he asked me what i thought, that i didn't think it was a good idea. it would give her hope, when he says there is not hope for a relationship beyond friends. i also thought it would be a blow to amy and she didn't deserve that either, especially since she thought they would end up going to the prom. i don't know what he is going to end up doing, as he decided he wouldn't want to miss his junior prom. but time will tell. he has to buy the tickets this week if he is going to go.

there are a lot of things that go with the death of something. there is not only the death of the relationship, but all the ripples in that pond that you were a part of. austin also had the comfort of doing things with her family and their friends. he had a lot of freedom as being "part of the family" and that goes when she goes. the same, i am sure, goes with her. i made usually made her favorite dinner when she came here, and she had been several times to the beach, had met mom and dad, and had done the same with bebo's family. i certainly know that feeling, having suffered it when we divorced. the only cure is time and maturity. i just hope austin doesn't have any more anxiety attacks, or that he moves on quickly. he did talk to me yesterday about his tendency towards "addictions" as he put it, which are the ways he diverts himself from dealing with the thing on his mind. he cited WORLD OF WARCRAFT as having been the first one over the last several months, and now lindsey and his constant contact with her. all of them were ways he ran from himself, but he knew he couldn't do it any longer. he feels terribly guilty, and i hope i can help him.

in all honesty, i am affected by all of these changes and endings and transitions. i am seeing it through the eyes of a parent who is losing control and contact with my son. it is simply what we have to do as parents...let go. because my focal point for the last 16 years has been austin, suddenly losing that sort of makes me spin out of control in my head. i didn't think it would affect me as it has, but i am certainly feeling it. this stone in austin's pond is rippling me too. but that is life, isn't it? recently, there have been a lot of stones, large and small, and i am just trying to roll with the ripples and not get drowned. i probably haven't done a very good job of it, but there aren't choices in life sometimes, and everything makes you grow as a person.