it has been weeks now that austin has been agonizing over what to do about his relationship with amy. last night, he told her he wanted to break up, and he went to her house to do that.
she didn't understand, as he knew she wouldn't. she kept thinking she had done something wrong, which she really hadn't. he had no explanation for her, or anyone else for that matter. he doesn't really know anything other than he doesn't feel the same about her. he has never had a girlfriend before her, and they have been together for 18 months. he, too, was her first big love. with high school kids, you have to expect that they will break up, but no matter what, you are never quite ready for the change.
he called me after he did it, driving in the car away from her place. he was just sobbing and sobbing, saying he didn't want to hurt her, that she hadn't done anything wrong and he still had to hurt her, that she didn't understand. he didn't get his ring back, which means he will have to see her. i couldn't help him. what do you say? it would have been a lot easier if i had allowed him to text her or do it over the phone, but i told him that he owed her that much after all this time. it wouldn't have been as hard for him i don't think, but in life, you have to look people in the eyes and not avoid personal confrontation.
we went to dinner last night at the pad thai place, a place he took her for dinner many times, with her family some, without her family. yesterday the lanyard she had given him that he has been using for his keys broke, and there were other things that happened in the course of the last couple of days that involved things breaking. he commented that he thought it was symbolic and intentional. that is the first time i have ever heard him look at life that way. usually, he avoids any mention of fate or karma. he says he doesn't believe in angel pennies. maybe he does after all...
as i am writing this, he is with bebo on his way to lumberton, n.c. to take mae back to the south carolina relatives. last night he said all he wanted to do was to get home. he was crying so hard that i thought he might wreck, and asked him to pull to the side, but he said no, he just wanted to get to his dad's house. i called bebo and told him what was going on and to not push him to talk or give advice.
there is no nice way to hurt someone. there is no magic fix, no cure, nothing but time that takes down the level of pain, on both sides. i know he has been confused and upset and dreading this, and putting it off. he says he has wanted to do it for 4 months, and that is probably true. i have certainly seen a lessening of his desire to be with her, and even in his seeing her at all. the only explanation he has been able to give is that she needs to mature and "take the training wheels off" which is probably true. she has been a lot sheltered, and he says that he has babied her for a long time, and now he is tired of it and doesn't want to do it. his anger over that i guess has killed his feelings for her. how do you tell someone to grow up? you can't. he may have added to his problem by NOT fighting with her or telling her what he was fed up over, but even then, he didn't want to hurt her.
he didn't get the ring back, which means he will have to see her again. maybe by then enough time will have passed that he can face her. right now, i dread the next week. i feel pretty inadequate as a parent, not able to say or do the right things. i guess the best is to just do nothing, because that seems to be what he wants to do. he has been awful to live with, and i have been the punching bag and the recipient of his misguided anger. i have finally had to confront him and be mean back, in that he just hasn't gotten it. i understand that you take things out on the people you are closest too, and yesterday i think he finally got that and did talk to me about it at dinner. i just tried to listen. i had told him yesterday morning that upon thinking about it, i don't feel he ever really gave her a chance to grow up. he wouldn't take her around his friends, he decided she would be uncomfortable or she would make them uncomfortable. he didn't give her any chance to "take off the training wheels" because HE decided it wouldn't work ahead of time. how would she ever be able to mature at all if not put in situations that required it? granted, she has been wrapped in cotton batting by her family AND austin, but someone had to push her out of the nest, and unfortunately, it wasn't austin. i told him that maybe he should have given her the opportunity in some or any type of social situation with his friends, but he refused. he never tried, ever. either he knows her way too well and knows she absolutely would do the things he feared, or he was doing a bebo and assuming he knew what she would do. i think it is the latter. i have seen a lot of growth and independence in her in the last year. as a matter of fact, she has been the one most busy since she started playing sports year round. she has been busy with her girlfriends and other extracurricular things as well as her school work.
and to make things more complicated, he has been hanging out steadily with another girl who is my student right now. she is the complete opposite of amy, and she and austin have become big confidants of each other. unfortunately for her, she made some mistakes in the 9th grade with boys, and now she is treated like a pariah. she has been honest with austin and told him what she did. she knows the boys won't give her a second look except for trying to take advantage of her. i think austin is the first "nice guy" who has been her friend, and she, like any other girl her age, wants a relationship with a boy who won't take advantage of her past. it is a sad example of what i have preached to my girl students for years: what you do stays with you forever. people are NOT forgiving. the label says. austin has confided in her about amy, and he says she is the only one he has talked to about baseball, and this is true. there is a level of comfort there for him with her, but he says he absolutely cannot date her, not matter what, because he knows too much, and he knows the guys who have been with her. he says he doesn't want the peer pressure, and he is not that kind of guy to take advantage of her. i told him that by being her friend, he had already given her back some credibility because everyone knows he is a goody 2 shoes. she also isn't the most beautiful girl in the face, and the boys tease austin about her. she has an interesting face, and a great body, but she is also probably too open for her own good. she wants him to take her to the prom just as friends, but i told him when he asked me what i thought, that i didn't think it was a good idea. it would give her hope, when he says there is not hope for a relationship beyond friends. i also thought it would be a blow to amy and she didn't deserve that either, especially since she thought they would end up going to the prom. i don't know what he is going to end up doing, as he decided he wouldn't want to miss his junior prom. but time will tell. he has to buy the tickets this week if he is going to go.
there are a lot of things that go with the death of something. there is not only the death of the relationship, but all the ripples in that pond that you were a part of. austin also had the comfort of doing things with her family and their friends. he had a lot of freedom as being "part of the family" and that goes when she goes. the same, i am sure, goes with her. i made usually made her favorite dinner when she came here, and she had been several times to the beach, had met mom and dad, and had done the same with bebo's family. i certainly know that feeling, having suffered it when we divorced. the only cure is time and maturity. i just hope austin doesn't have any more anxiety attacks, or that he moves on quickly. he did talk to me yesterday about his tendency towards "addictions" as he put it, which are the ways he diverts himself from dealing with the thing on his mind. he cited WORLD OF WARCRAFT as having been the first one over the last several months, and now lindsey and his constant contact with her. all of them were ways he ran from himself, but he knew he couldn't do it any longer. he feels terribly guilty, and i hope i can help him.
in all honesty, i am affected by all of these changes and endings and transitions. i am seeing it through the eyes of a parent who is losing control and contact with my son. it is simply what we have to do as parents...let go. because my focal point for the last 16 years has been austin, suddenly losing that sort of makes me spin out of control in my head. i didn't think it would affect me as it has, but i am certainly feeling it. this stone in austin's pond is rippling me too. but that is life, isn't it? recently, there have been a lot of stones, large and small, and i am just trying to roll with the ripples and not get drowned. i probably haven't done a very good job of it, but there aren't choices in life sometimes, and everything makes you grow as a person.
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