this is not turning out the be the week i would have liked it to be. it has been frustration roller coaster, up down, up down. drama. two steps forward, one step back.
austin has injured himself, again. exactly last year, same time, same bat channel. same injury, different hip. i can't get him in to see a doctor until tomorrow. baseball, once again, is turning out to be a bust, but more of a high stress bust than anything because of what is at stake. while a single injury isn't going to kill his career prospects, he just has gone from being untouchable to being constantly hurt with something. it is, again, something i can't control or change.
i am not adjusting well to all of these changes, and my medicine adjustments may have something to do with my weepiness right now. i have added a small dose of zoloft to the cymbalta, the idea being that the layering would get me back to where i was when going from the lexapro to the cymbalta. i had that week there where i felt great. i am not to that point yet, so it is hard to tell if the zoloft is going to get better, or if this is it. i hope this is NOT it, as i think i could feel better. i am sleeping better, but i still have pain. i am having mood swings back and forth, mostly crying on the drop of a hat. i can't seem to control it, and i can't explain why i am crying when austin asks.
his constant changing, growing is adding to this mix. ever since he got his drivers license, there has been a huge shift of independence on his part. i am pretty much no longer needed, and in my opinion, treated that way. it hurts my feelings. plus, he has been agonizing and going back and forth over breaking up with amy. i have somehow found this to be hard to accept as well, although i don't know why. it has surely been coming for awhile, and not unexpected given the age. however, it was comfortable having her around and while he was with her, i felt "safe" to a certain extent, that he wouldn't get in trouble since both are goody 2 shoes...now he is hanging around with one of my current students, who is the opposite in every way from amy. while i like this girl, she presents some challenges in a lot of ways for him, and he is back to struggling over what to do with her. he doesn't want to go out with her because of her previously damaged reputation. she has been with some of his friends, and he is blatantly worried about what they would say, as well as the fact that they have stereotyped her as easy. i also feel sorry for amy, who is trying to save the situation, but is getting left in the dust. she is still very shy and naive, probably what is getting her tossed to the side. austin doesn't feel comfortable taking her out with his friends socially, and doesn't even want to try. she has told him to go do things with his friends, and he is, another worry for me. now he wants to be everywhere socially, another thing i can't control or barely keep track of. basically, he is growing up, testing his wings, and even he doesn't know what he is doing. therefore, trying to keep up with him, his feelings, his goings ons, is like herding cats.
all and all, the whole thing today is just making me depressed, more weepy, and totally not in the mood to do anything. however, i have obligations to go work the concession stand at the baseball games, even though he isn't playing. i now have to go into town to see bonita johnson over my taxes, another trip i did not expect. the only thing i wanted to do today was to paint my bathroom upstairs, which i have been trying to do for 2 days, but now that is on hold as well. i also have to go and see mae, bebo's aunt, who is in town, and the last thing i want to do right now is socialize. my room is a wreck, with all of the bathroom stuff moved in there, and no hope of that being fixed today. my room pretty much is my life at this point...lots of stuff in the wrong place, piled on top of each other, blocking access to the things i want, and hiding what is beneath it.
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