the thing about writing is you have to start doing it, period. i haven't, but i have had this nagging feeling that i should be doing it and would be happier if i were. so i am. now.
on my mind right now is austin, who is going through a rough spot. senioritis i guess, but i feel like the punching bag. he wants to do whatever he wants when he wants to. i am at fault for letting logic rule the day in all cases. not a good precident, and now i am paying for it. bebo and i talked to him last week about his attitude and his mouth, but he doesn't seem to get it. in any case, i told him if he were to start doing the things he is supposed to do, when he is supposed to do them, that he could do more things that he wants. but he is not doing the basic things. he isn't keeping up with his classwork and is skipping classes. he doesn't do his chores on a timely basis and never completes anything. what he does is sloppy and half assed. and there is always stress involved in getting him to do anything. throw in bebo who thinks he should be allowed to fail, and it makes it very complicated.
austin has moved himself to bebo's for awhile, mostly in protest over the fact i will not let him go out and "spend the night with friends." this translates in his being able to stay wherever with whomever and having no supervision to speak of. they are apparently going around and doing pranks on each other. austin thinks that because he tells me what he is doing, i will approve. bebo has said i should let him have some fun. but fun is all he is doing, and he is not doing the other things he needs to do. bebo's version of discipline is different from mine, so we have a split there. this last week he took the phone away from austin, which wasn't much of anything because he could use the house phone and when he was with lindsey, he could use her phone. the only one punished was me, who worried about him being in the car with no phone, and therefore no lifeline if there were a problem. bebo doesn't seem to believe that taking away the computer would be a better punishment. that would be because he is clueless about really parenting and lives on his version in his head what HE would do, which isn't rational or based in anything vaguely resembling useful.
i am living in the house with the cats and quiet and me on the downlow. i am not quite in the girl cave, but the house itself has become something of a cavern. i am feeling a lot alone right now, and a bit sad. this is austin's last time at home, the end of his childhood. i never pictured that the last year would be hell. i thought he would have matured and it would be easy. i badly miscalculated that one. it has been a huge struggle for power and control on his part, and a huge struggle for a happy ending on my part.
there are a lot of things to be considered, not the least of which is how i will live after he is really gone. this has been something of a good thing in that i am getting used to it. but i do feel a lot unloved and uncared about right now, sort of childish i guess, but it is how i am feeling. it does point out that when it gets right down to it, i am really alone and i do not have a partner or a primary person in my life who is interested in me. i am not in the mode of recruiting one. i would just like my son to be a little empathetic and caring. at this point, i might as well be pissing up a rope to think that would be happening.
his behavior has caused me to question parts of his character, and i don't like what i am seeing. i don't like the way he is treating lindsey. but i also don't like the way she acts around him or in certain situations. she is a handful on a good day, and is sort of high maintenance. i often think that amy would have been better for him in the long run vs. lindsey. two opposites, believe me. he seems to be more himself with lindsey, but i am not sure i like some of that either. in the long run, i am left to ponder who my son is, and it doesn't always compute. i guess he is still a work in progress. i can only hope that he turns out to be a good man. i don't seem to get to see any of the good stuff, only the bad and the ugly. that i could do without. what is scary is that the ones he is closest too he tends to treat in an inconsiderate manner. he can be sweet and a lot of other things, but i don't see much of it. i just feel a lot abused and taken advantage of. again i have to hope that i have done some things right along the way and that he will turn out to be a good man.
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