i have spent the last several days mulling through my own emotions and those of my child, his peers, and their parents. all in all, it is a trek i really don't want to take, and i am resolving today to stop getting pulled onto that interstate. i prefer the side roads of teenage life.
when i was a kid i don't recall my parents ever getting involved in anything having to do with my friends and any disturbances i had with them. the number one reason would likely be that i never told them about anything involving my friends, especially if i was angry with anyone. my mother would do what i hated, which was to trash the person and form an opinion that she did not change, ever. and now i find myself in my mother's place, only with information, more than i want or need.
today's parent seems to be spending way too much time up our kids butts about any and everything. we seem to be addicted to having to know every single move our children make. why is that? i could philosophize about it, but what it the point? why can't we just let them go and crash and fall on their own and to solve their problems on their own?
i had a talk with austin today about how i intend to handle these peers issues he is having: i don't intend to handle them. he is on his own and will have to make his own choices and deal with whatever consequences come from those choices. if he irritates someone and they get mad, he will have to deal with it. i am not going to. why should i? in the real world, there will be no negotiator out there making everything right for him. if i constantly interfere and gather info, constantly get involved, constantly smooth things over for him, when is he going to learn to do it himself?
of course, i think i am right. however, i am surrounded and overwhelmed by parents who are hell bent on getting involved, overly involved, in all details of their children's lives. they monitor everything, email all teachers all the time, gossip and question amongst themselves, and generally act at the associated press for the locality. the problem is, how are they getting the info? well, the kids come home and give the 13 year-old view of an incident, and we believe that version. since when did any of us think that would be a real accounting of what really happened? why don't any of us realize that a kid's truth isn't really the truth, and we will never know. but better yet, who cares if someone dropped a piece of lettuce on someone else's lunch, or someone called someone a fag or gay boy? while i hate all that, i also think that austin has to learn to deal with it. it isn't right, and the other kids get away with it, but then again, our president declared a war based on false info and he got away with it. all day long the news is filled with examples of how corrupted we have become as humans because we have to win everything. this is a whole generation of kids driven by a societal need to be the best at everything, and it doesn't matter how you do it. there are no right rules. anything goes as long as you win. if you don't believe that, look at the number of reality shows in which people WIN because they cheat, lie, and generally undercut the others around them. why wouldn't a kid see this and think it is ok?
ok, so society sucks. but do we, as parents, have to reinforce that concept of self-entitlement and greed? sit and talk to someone about their child and all, including me, will tell you that we know what is best for our child, that we really do care about everyone around us and teach our kids that, blah, blah, blah. and here is what i see...one who drags her kid to church on sunday, but takes the kids to a movie theatre further away and in the white, rich section of town because there are too many blacks at the one closest to us. another one has a kid with a wicked, deep temper and a lot of anger. both parents have legitimate personal issues right now to deal with, and the kid is rebelling. however, the latest outburst is justified because my son wrote "duke sucks" on the kid's notebook (he actually didn't, but that is another matter), and so we go on to justify the eventual out of control act of getting mad and shooting austin with an airshot gun in the face and neck. it wasn't that she didn't agree it was wrong. that was a given. it is the need to justify the kid's acts and to even be involved in all the he said/she said stuff that kids do when they fight. in this case, i would not have been involved at all except for my concern about the airshot guns, and that was ok since it was a safety issue/question. it got solved in 14 seconds, but why was i engaged in a conversation about this kid's argument stuff with anyone?
the kids are mean to each other, and that is just the way of the world. kids do that. i hate it because austin is most often the brunt of a lot of it, the one they tease and pick on. however, he has to deal with it, period. i like the fact he talks to me about things, but i told him in the future he should keep talking, but don't expect me to act on it. i did say that i wanted to know all of the details if he was going to talk to me, and not to censor. i will surely have the mother of the other kid wanting to talk about it, and i don't want to get blindsided with info that he hadn't told me. i don't think he is lying to me, as he is awful at it. he might be. but if he gets caught, he knows that will be huge. in any case, unless it involves his getting in trouble at school, or a parent comes directly to me with something huge that he really did, i am out of it. it will take a lot to keep my mouth shut and to not get involved, but i am resolved to do it. let's see if i really can.
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