i have spent the last several days mulling through my own emotions and those of my child, his peers, and their parents. all in all, it is a trek i really don't want to take, and i am resolving today to stop getting pulled onto that interstate. i prefer the side roads of teenage life.when i was a kid i don't recall my parents ever getting involved in anything having to do with my friends and any disturbances i had with them. the number one reason would likely be that i never told them about anything involving my friends, especially if i was angry with anyone. my mother would do what i hated, which was to trash the person and form an opinion that she did not change, ever. and now i find myself in my mother's place, only with information, more than i want or need.today's parent seems to be spending way too much time up our kids butts about any and everything. we seem to be addicted to having to know every single move our children make. why is that? i could philosophize about it, but what it the point? why can't we just let them go and crash and fall on their own and to solve their problems on their own?i had a talk with austin today about how i intend to handle these peers issues he is having: i don't intend to handle them. he is on his own and will have to make his own choices and deal with whatever consequences come from those choices. if he irritates someone and they get mad, he will have to deal with it. i am not going to. why should i? in the real world, there will be no negotiator out there making everything right for him. if i constantly interfere and gather info, constantly get involved, constantly smooth things over for him, when is he going to learn to do it himself?of course, i think i am right. however, i am surrounded and overwhelmed by parents who are hell bent on getting involved, overly involved, in all details of their children's lives. they monitor everything, email all teachers all the time, gossip and question amongst themselves, and generally act at the associated press for the locality. the problem is, how are they getting the info? well, the kids come home and give the 13 year-old view of an incident, and we believe that version. since when did any of us think that would be a real accounting of what really happened? why don't any of us realize that a kid's truth isn't really the truth, and we will never know. but better yet, who cares if someone dropped a piece of lettuce on someone else's lunch, or someone called someone a fag or gay boy? while i hate all that, i also think that austin has to learn to deal with it. it isn't right, and the other kids get away with it, but then again, our president declared a war based on false info and he got away with it. all day long the news is filled with examples of how corrupted we have become as humans because we have to win everything. this is a whole generation of kids driven by a societal need to be the best at everything, and it doesn't matter how you do it. there are no right rules. anything goes as long as you win. if you don't believe that, look at the number of reality shows in which people WIN because they cheat, lie, and generally undercut the others around them. why wouldn't a kid see this and think it is ok?ok, so society sucks. but do we, as parents, have to reinforce that concept of self-entitlement and greed? sit and talk to someone about their child and all, including me, will tell you that we know what is best for our child, that we really do care about everyone around us and teach our kids that, blah, blah, blah. and here is what i see...one who drags her kid to church on sunday, but takes the kids to a movie theatre further away and in the white, rich section of town because there are too many blacks at the one closest to us. another one has a kid with a wicked, deep temper and a lot of anger. both parents have legitimate personal issues right now to deal with, and the kid is rebelling. however, the latest outburst is justified because my son wrote "duke sucks" on the kid's notebook (he actually didn't, but that is another matter), and so we go on to justify the eventual out of control act of getting mad and shooting austin with an airshot gun in the face and neck. it wasn't that she didn't agree it was wrong. that was a given. it is the need to justify the kid's acts and to even be involved in all the he said/she said stuff that kids do when they fight. in this case, i would not have been involved at all except for my concern about the airshot guns, and that was ok since it was a safety issue/question. it got solved in 14 seconds, but why was i engaged in a conversation about this kid's argument stuff with anyone?the kids are mean to each other, and that is just the way of the world. kids do that. i hate it because austin is most often the brunt of a lot of it, the one they tease and pick on. however, he has to deal with it, period. i like the fact he talks to me about things, but i told him in the future he should keep talking, but don't expect me to act on it. i did say that i wanted to know all of the details if he was going to talk to me, and not to censor. i will surely have the mother of the other kid wanting to talk about it, and i don't want to get blindsided with info that he hadn't told me. i don't think he is lying to me, as he is awful at it. he might be. but if he gets caught, he knows that will be huge. in any case, unless it involves his getting in trouble at school, or a parent comes directly to me with something huge that he really did, i am out of it. it will take a lot to keep my mouth shut and to not get involved, but i am resolved to do it. let's see if i really can.
i found out a couple of months ago that if i really want to, i can retire in 6 years. it would be at a reduced pension, and right when austin will be off at school, but it did send me wondering about what i would do with myself if i were to retire. in my daydream, i see myself in several different scenarios. none, of course, will ever play out. but it is generally more fun to dream about things versus actually doing them. so here is my list. what would be yours?
1) i would like to be some sort of motivational speaker working with kids. somehow, i would go around locally, maybe with a bit of travel, and make speeches to small groups of kids. i don't like the on stage with a huge audience thing. i like sitting in a room with chairs in a circle and just talking.
2) i would write a column for a newspaper, weekly, or a magazine. it would or could be just reflections on life like my blog, or have a point. i have enjoyed writing on the blog and wish sometimes i could do it out in the "real world." i had a taste of that when i worked the summer teacher intern job at the richmond times dispatch and i really enjoyed the research and getting into print.
3) i would go back to school and learn a lot about plants and landscaping. then i would make landscaping designs, but get other people to do the hard work! i can't do the heavy physical labor now, but i can do some, and i don't mind that.
4) i would design and make water fountains and gardens. i would make pottery pieces like the ones i used in my own water feature in the front yard.
5) i would make more of my sculptures and get someone else to market them. i am not into the selling of the stuff, only the making of it. money is nice, but somehow when you put money into the mix, it can take away from the fun of doing it. i would work mostly on commission for people i liked. that way i wouldn't feel like i was doing art on a schedule
6) i would take more courses to learn how to do websites, and then work at home making them. i would only have a few customers, and i would maintain their websites for them.
7) i would make funny t-shirts and buttons and, again, have someone else handle the business end of it. i would make the designs on the computer, and then have someone else do the silkscreening and marketing.
8) i would read books and do the critiques for a newspaper, weekly or magazine. i would write about the books as i read them, good or bad and not be on any pressing schedule. that way reading could be fun and profitable in many ways!
9) i would learn more about holistic healing and take more classes concerning it.
10) i would get a part time job working at a fun place, like ellwood thompson's organic grocery or wawa!
11) i would be a feature reporter for NPR and get to go interesting places to report on interesting subjects.
12) i would host an on-air talk show like FRESH AIR which is hosted by terry gross on NPR. she asks really thoughtful, relevent questions on a variety of subjects, and she gets to interview a wide variety of people who do interesting things.
13) i would write a spiritual column for BELIEFNET. i enjoy my daily dosages of angel wisdom and other daily columns that come to me via the e-mail. there are lots of links to various areas, and hours could be spent just surfing around the spiritual "globe" that is BELIEFNET.
14) i would be a teacher advisor for student teachers and their mentors, and go around to various public school systems and talk to them about things to do in the classroom.
15) i would work a part time job at a bread company and learn to make bread! i would also go to a thai or ethiopian restaurant and offer to work for free if they will teach me to cook!
16) i would run for an small political office on a platform of "doing what is right" for people in general. i would be an independent, and i would not lie. if i didn't know much about something, i would say so, but also say that i would learn. i would refuse to engage in any type of mudslinging, and my response to that type of activity would be to say that i am running on what i will do, not whether or not i am the better person or candidate. my campaign slogan would be that "easy will make the phrase 'honest politican' a reality instead of an oxymoron!"
17) i would join the church band and not be scared of doing it. i can still sing, but i am a bit intimidated in my old age!
18) i would do research on a subject for someone like an author who needs historical background. james michener could never have written his books without the many researchers who went out and gathered the historical info that he needed before he could write his historically based fiction.
19) i would volunteer to work on an archeological dig around here. i have always had a huge interest in history, and virginia is filled with many historical sites to be saved.
20) i would grow bog plants and grasses and sell them to landscapers and people on the internet. of course, i would have to have the stuff to do this, which i don't have right now and wouldn't likely have on half a pension, but i did develop a love for the exotic grasses and such when i started with my outdoor fountain.
is this enough stuff for one person to do in retirement? likely i would just end up taaching until i am 65 or retiring early and watching too much c.s.i and law and order...but then again, it is fun to dream.
today i will tell you a tale of OG and his friend GOG, two budding cavemen types. og is my son, austin, and gog is his friend, billy. yesterday i set these two out to do what on the surface appeared to have been a simple task. what they did with it makes me wonder about the future of the species.
austin's basketball backboard was laying on its side on the top half of the neighbor's asphalt driveway, where it has been since new year's day. it needed to have water and antifreeze put in the bottom of it so that it wouldn't blow down or turn over(which is why it was on its side to begin with.) this wasn't a task that required a doctorate degree in physics. i have a hose that is hooked up on the other side of my house and runs up and under my porch to the opposite side of the house which is where the backboard was. all the boys had to do was drag the backboard 10 feet to the end of the hose, fill it with water and antifreeze, and roll it back to the top of the asphalt.
they had been outside quite a while and i wasn't hearing the sound of bouncing basketballs, so i looked outside for them and discovered them in my backyard, the backboard flat on the ground and completely dug into the earth. one of the wheels had come off of it, so now they were trying to figure out how to put the wheel back on so they could continue to try and drag it back up the hill to the neighbor's driveway(my house is on a slope, with the neighbor's driveway being at the top of the slope.)
what is wrong with this picture? well, they were in the backyard, almost at the opposite end of the house from where they should have been. i went back out on my deck, stunned to see this monstrosity of a backboard even in this part of the yard. this is what they had done. instead of just moving the backboard to the hose, they went to the other side of the house and pulled the hose down to it. this involved having to get under the porch and retrieve the hose. then they dragged the backboard down the hill to the side of the house where the hose now was and then filled it up. once done, they proceeded to attempt to drag the now extremely heavy and waterfilled backboard up the hill to put it in place. one was pulling from the net end, the other pushing the bottom part of it. the result was the whole thing, being at an angle and being heavy, dug itself into the dirt of the yard and would not move. one of the rolling wheels had come off, and they were trying to push it back with their hands, which hadn't worked the first 623 times they tried it. common sense would have told you that you would need something like a hammer to put it back in place, but they were not there yet. too complicated for them. when i came out they were circling around the whole backboard, sort of like vultures hovering over a roadkill.
after pulling out my hair, i came down off of the deck and showed them how they could get a piece of heavy wood from under the deck and use it to wack the wheel back in place. eventually, (a few smashed fingers later, which almost derailed the whole process) we were able to get the wheel on. but they still were in trouble. i had to show them that pulling it straight in the line they were going wasn't going to work since the whole thing was dug in 3 inches in the earth. again, the female steps in and says, "MOVE IT DOWN AND TO THE LEFT AND START AGAIN!!!" once they saw the wisdom of this plan, i was able to put them to their best use, which was the physical labor of dragging the thing up the hill to the asphalt. yet even then they were a mini-version of dumb and dumber, in that they were trying to drag it straight over ruts and holes . they didn't see that the edge of the asphalt, right in front and to the right of them 6 inches, was smooth and they could easily roll the backboard where they needed it to go once it got on the asphalt's edge.
they were quite proud of themselves once the task was completed. task completion, by the way, involved sending billy back under the house and porch to put the hose back where it had come from. what should have taken 10 minutes took 45. this is the future of america...
and so i am calling them og and gog, two cavemen apprentices. as i told them at high volumes yesterday, if it hadn't been for women, men as a species would have died out. you see, little neanderthals like og and gog could wack a dinosaur on the head and drag it to the cave. however, there it would have stayed IF THERE HADN'T BEEN A WOMAN TO COOK IT FOR THEM. i am convinced they would have starved to death had it been left up to them as to figure out what to do next...
i went to church today and the message was on getting out of debt. there were a lot of good things mentioned, and i resolved to come home and torture myself with the checkbook. i have now completed that task and only need to finish this blog before i go off and slit my wrists...seriously though, i am supposed to be relieved and happy that i have done the dirty work and now have a full accounting of my finances, or lack thereof. however, i am not feeling anything but extremely bitchy and irritated. i hate having to balance the checkbook. the good news is that i am doing a lot of the financial stuff tonight that i have put off for months. one of those things is getting all of my medical and other stuff together to do the taxes, the next big disaster. last year i got money back due to all of my medical bills. while i have a number of them this year, i don't think i am going to get much, if anything back. my big hope is that i won't have to pay. i am not sure what i will do if i have to pay. and this is supposed to be bebo's year for the austin tax exemption. in keeping with my drive to increase my child support, i am also hauling out all of my expense records for the last year to get an idea of exactly how much i am spending on my child. i figure that the numbers might be a bit stunning to his father, who thinks that any child can live on 1,087 a month (combined income of both bebo and i that goes towards austin). i guess bebo thinks i am spending my days at neiman-marcus and buying stuff off of the internet with the money. i understand a little of where he is coming from. on paper, that money looks like a lot of bucks. but in reality, that money is used to support the house, utilities, groceries, gas, college fund, health and dental that are necessary to keep austin in the manner that he is accustomed to (which isn't much compared to all of his friends.) it costs me $50 a month just to feed him lunch at school.so now i am just number gathering and crunching, and maybe this will be good, as it will put me on a budget once i figure out exactly how much i am paying for everything each month. they say numbers don't lie, but they sure can be illusional...
last night i went upstairs to my bedroom and sought out a corner of my life that exists on the closet floor. in the bottom drawer of an old chest of drawers are my journals and my writings from years passed. they are the chronicle of a life that i no longer am part of, but i discovered is always a part of me.
i was looking for kathy grabinsky, my former student who tragically died a few weeks ago in senseless robbery. i knew she was in the pages of my journal and the center of a poem i had written about her happy approach to life.
the poem, and kathy, were found. i reconnected with what i had seen 20 years ago, and in the process of finding her again, i also found a part of me that i had forgotten about.
kathy wasn't mentioned in my journals. all the notes on her were together with the poem, which had gone through countless editings at the hands of two professional writers, robert hazel (now deceased) and naomi shihab nye. both helped me trim down the image to something that seems to capture her, sort of like a three dimensional polaroid picture, one fading in time, but still vivid in its own way. but in the process of looking for her, i reread the journals that i wrote during that time in my life, a time of upheaval and personal growth. while searching for her, i found a piece of me.
reading about what i thought then and what was important to me at that time helped me to appreciate some things about myself that i couldn't have seen back then. one thing concerns my writing. i was told countless times that i had talent and ability and i shouldn't waste it. i never took those accolades seriously, and i never attempted to do anything professionally. when i started writing this blog, it was my attempt to begin to write again. i wanted an outlet to express myself, and it seemed to be an easy thing to do. it is also safe. few know that i am writing here in my own corner of cyberspace, and no one comments. it allows me the freedom of just writing, and not writing for something or someone other than myself. i don't know if it is good or bad, and at this point, that doesn't really matter. the point is to express myself. i have.
reading my own words reminded me that i wasn't as completely selfish and petty has i remember myself to be. i philosophized a great deal about my life and solutions to it. i was honest about my feelings. and my words were written well.i had forgotten i could do that. and i am reminded that i can still do that should i choose to.
we all have our spiritual gifts, and one of mine i believe is writing and thinking. i am a good teacher, and i think that too is a gift. i am different, and in my old age i am learning to love that part of myself and make peace with it. i am finding that it is important to be comfortable in your own skin, to not constantly chafed at the direction that you have naturally taken. this is especially true when you are like me, one who has not exactly lived in the mainstream of life.
in her passing, kathy has given me a prize. it was three hours on a closet floor reconnecting some pieces. she was the glue last night, and, as a result, my life puzzle is stronger and more bonded. i am reminded by her passing that life is like water, always flowing. nothing really dies unless you will it so. we live in so many ways, so many forms. the ability to see the big picture, as i did for awhile last night, is a wonderful thing.
over the 19 years that i have been a school teacher, lots of students have come in and out of my life and made impressions. of course, you don't remember them all, but some you do just because they are special. one of those was a 19-year old girl named kathy grabinsky whom i taught my first year of grad school at v.c.u.
why i remember her now is because today i discovered that she was one of the 7 victims in a grisly crime spree here in richmond. kathy, her husband bryan, and their 2 daughters, stella and ruby, were brutally murdered on new year's day in their home. they were bound, beaten and their throats were cut. the killers tried to set the house on fire to cover up their crime. they have been caught, but not before they killed 3 more people and possibly more in a crime spree that went on over several weeks and in several states. the motive seems to be robbery.
kathy was stunningly beautiful, naive, and a gifted writer. what charisma! she was happy-go-lucky, fun, positive! i remember thinking that i wished i could have been like her when i was 19! she got mono one of the two semesters i taught her english, and i went over to her apartment to help her with stuff. once she came to my house for dinner, and we became friends outside of the classroom for awhile. as things go, we lost touch and i have wondered countless times over the years what became of her. this is not what i would have envisioned.
but it seems that before this random act of violence, she was happily married and owned a store in carytown that i had frequented, but never saw her at. she apparently was a good mom and wife, and well liked by all that knew her. she married a musician, something that doesn't surprise me as she had a fondness for them when i knew her! her girls looked a lot like her. she turned out to be a good mother and wife and friend. there isn't much more you can ask for in your life.
years ago i wrote a poem about kathy, one called "nineteen - and all that that implies" and it was just little descriptions about her, things that alone weren't stunning, but all things that contributed to making her so impressionable. the last stanza of the poem describes my standing on a sidewalk one of the last times i saw her, and watching her ride away on her bike into the spring sunshine, her hair flying over her shoulder. you couldn't help but be captivated by her, and part of the attraction was that she was so naive about herself and the affect she had on people. that innocence was something that you would wish for in yourself. and remarkably, at least then, she had no clue. no clue about anything related to her writing ability or her affect on those around her. no clue much about guys, and she was pretty gullible! i remember shaking my head a lot at some of the things she told me and wanting to protect her from these men who would break her heart. she was that kind of kid, the kind you envy, but want to protect. when i saw her last, she was waitressing at the old texas-wisconsin border cafe and she looked almost waiflike and way too thin. she said she was living with some guy and had been for awhile. years. i remember thinking that life should have treated her better than that, and that she should have been doing something else and having more stability. apparently, her future husband, bryan, came often to the restaurant to see her, and that is where they met. he must have rescued her it seems!just a few weeks ago i rode past her old apartment on floyd avenue on my way home from ellwood thompson's grocery, and i wondered about her. at the craft and design show in november, i once again thought about her. kathy had a wonderful pair of earrings, shaped like chinese fans. i have always remembered those earrings, and for the past 20 years, i have looked for a pair like them, but never once found anything even close. it has been a quest for the perfect earrings, but they, like kathy, were unique, and special in their time. apparently, neither can be imitated or replaced.
this week i have been teaching from an article that i read on christmas day from the front page of the local newspaper.http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/24/AR2005122400701.html in the article it stated that the literacy rates for adults have dropped, and the education gurus are stumped. they can't understand how college graduates can get a degree, but can't seem to follow an instruction manual or read basic prose and understand it.
as a teacher, i am starting to believe that this may be the single most important thing i have taught so far this year. when i read that the head of education statistics stated that he and others had no explanations as to why, i was angry. why isn't the reason obvious to these people? it is because all they do is collect numbers?
quantitative data rules the world. numbers win, learning loses. why? because we manipulate the numbers in education to fit what we see as the vision of literacy. however, those doing the number crunching, and those making the big decisions about the directions of the public school systems AREN'T IN THE CLASSROOM. what kind of business is successful when the people selling the "product" have no clue about it?
higher level thinking skills cannot be quantitatively measured any longer. why? because the way the public schools are set up now is to teach to the test. the skills needed to pass the test are mostly memorization. there is very little real learning occurring now, as students remember enough to pass the test, but don't really know what they learned or, better yet, how to apply it in the real world. students memorize things they don't think is necessary, and because they don't understand the connection to the real world, they reject it. there is very little joy in learning. what is worse, is that a student may have graduated from a school, and the "numbers" (G.P.A. or pass/fail of classes) supported it. however, the same student may lack the ability to think on her own because she doesn't know how to. sadly, in the public school system the student sits in a classroom waiting for an answer. she then memorizes it, regurgitates the info back on a test, and gets a grade, a NUMBER. and then we teachers move on to the next thing to memorize. there is no engagement with the subject, no application to the real world. but the numbers say the student is proficient. but is she?
how to fix this? my students and i are addressing, through journal writing and group discussions of the journal writings, problems in LEARNING and possible solutions that might motivate us all to do the hard work. i told them that their classes are the "vehicles" that are getting them down the road to graduation. they may like a cadillac over a volkswagen(one class over another), but it doesn't matter which one they take as long as they are learning. the teachers provide the "gas" in the car, and we can put in the cheaper stuff (memorization) or spend the money(time) and put in the high test (higher level thinking skills). but the problem is that we are expected to "arrive" at our destination on a schedule, and everyone is supposed to arrive. the school system is spending a lot of time dragging cars to the end of this road, and some of them simply shouldn't be getting there. but success is measured by the number of cars that get to the end of this road. it seems to be unimportant if these cars really deserved to have gotten there. if they are all there, the school system can say it did its job and those in the "ivory tower" of the school board office spend a lot of time trotting out their statistics to prove that the students have learned something. and because the "numbers" prove success, we keep on going down the road doing the same thing, which is turning out mediocre students who don't know how to think for themselves or are able to apply what skills they have to practical, everyday situations.
so what is the answer?
several things to consider: first, go back to the 7 period day when students see the teacher everyday for 50 minutes, vs. every other day (block schedule) for 90 minutes. teenagers and most young people have an attention span of about 50-60 minutes. the rest, as far as retention is concerned, can be a waste. we already know (ask the students) that the one everyday class they have is the one they are doing the best in. every other day block scheduling was introduced 10-15 years ago because parents wanted their kids to be able to take more electives. hmmm.
secondly, we need to reassess testing and what is happening as a result of the type of testing we do. The Standards of Learning test issued by virginia is a memorization, dit/dot test that in many areas isn't even centered around the curriculum offered in that grade. there has to be a way that the classroom teacher can reintroduce higher level learning skills back into the classroom via class discussion, creative projects, etc. as it currently is, very little of that happens in the classroom due to time constraints. there isn't enough time to be able to do this as well as cover the materials that students must memorize to pass the S.O.L. test. and this is where we as teachers fail. we have to give in to "get the numbers" from our students. our performance ratings are tied to the pass rates of our students.
teachers need to be more active in the decision making process that determines the direction of the public school. we are the ones in the trenches, who are doing the actual teaching. we know what students need much better than the people up in the "ivory towers." as is, this strange business is one in which the three levels (classroom, administration and school board office/board) have absolutely no connection. one does not move from one level to the next. the jobs are different. teaching is teaching. but administration is business management and the school board office is politics. the politicos dictate policy and spend a lot of time studying statistics and what the current college wave of education theory is. but theory is just that, and often just isn't practical in a real world situation.
parents have to become less "numbers" oriented and more concerned about learning. however, society does NOT play into that. as parents, we are influenced by a number of things. one, is we want our kids to go to college, and we expect the "numbers" i.e. grades to be high enough to feed that goal. we will fight tooth and nail over numbers and grades, and will go to any length to make sure our kids have them. to assure this, parents will argue with teachers, defend their children's poor choices concerning their own educations, and sadly send out the message that they will intervene on behalf of their child over ANY matter, educational or otherwise. students no longer feel they will have to work too hard or even defend their own choices. their parents are the ever present net below their high wire act, and they CAN NEVER FALL
how do we learn in life? by failing. if you rob a child the opportunity to fail, you rob them of the ability to make good choices further on in their lives. learning isn't just between the pages of a book. it is in life. the public school system is the perfect arena for teaching this lesson. but we have become a place where the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and we operate in the vacuum of worry over lawsuits. if a parent complains, we listen, and listen, and listen...and eventually, the disgruntled parent will get what he/she wants, regardless if it is the right thing for their child or not. education has become the politics of appeasing everyone. but in doing so, we water down the basic concepts concerning the value of education. we teach our children that there is a way around everything if you complain enough, and this is what they learn.
my goal with this homework assignment is to gather the information/ideas of my students and somehow present it back to those who might consider it and make a change that isn't rooted in making sure everything looks good. an apple can have no blemishes on the outside, but once bitten into, can prove to be sour, unappetitizing. in that case, the consumer will toss the apple. we need as a community to work at making sure that the apple isn't just a pretty illusion, that it has substance and "nutritional value." the choices are the same as choosing between a microwave dinner or a home cooked, nutritionally balanced meal. and sadly, in today's society, we generally go for the nuked food because we don't want to take the time to cook up what is really valuable and pleasing.
january is for...1) learning to use my new ipod. i like walking around with a soundtrack to life!2) trying to get my body back into some sort of shape after a bloating christmas. i have been to the gym the last 3 days in a row and done the stairmaster thing. this is also good because my sunday ny times magazine exactly fits on the machine and i get a lot of reading done while working my 30 minutes.3) addressing my levels of stress and my subsequent addictions and how they relate to each other. no doubt that fighting with bebo right now over child support and custody issues is making me have tons of self doubt. what do i resort to? food.4) looking for snow. i have a mental snow day in my head and even though we just went back to school, i would like a snow day because i want to be in that hunker down mode. omar will be returning to school tomorrow.5) eating a little better and a lot less. green things, less carbs, and less of anything that makes me get blocked and throw up.6) seriously looking at my finances (or lack thereof) and coming up with a reasonable budget7) looking at stuff i don't want to look at, like my checking account, like calling legal aid and going to the county and talking to someone about my custody and child support options. it means stopping talking to everyone about my frustration over this situation. it means sticking up for myself and not constantly doubting my choices about this situation. it means not feeling guilty because i am going up against bebo when i have avoided confrontation at all costs over the last 3 years. it means making some decisions that i don't want to make and to stop finding 6,000 ways to avoid dealing with them.8) reading books instead of my newspapers. it means i have to stop thinking because i paid for the ny times to be delivered here, that i have to read every single word in it. talk about OCD...9) looking at doing more socializing/volunteering via church. maybe finally i will go to the thursday night practices for the church band...i think music would be good for me.10) january is for austin it seems...basketball, basketball, and trying to get him on track with his grades. it is for being productive when most everything is dead and boring. 11) reading all of my seed catalogs and coming up with what will be phase 3 of the five year yard plan. i enjoy "supposing" about what i am going to do.12) doing some serious housework and some serious cleaning out of stuff i don't need, but just gather like layers of clothing, for "protection" and feeling good. clothes? books? furniture?
