my frustration with the male species, especially the phylum YOUNG, continues to grow and prosper.
austin is still at this father's house, albeit on restrictions again, this time because he stayed up too late playing computer games. the result is no computers tonight. however, his father is completely unaware of the fact that he is supposed to give an oral report on friday in his dual enrollment english class on a book that he never got and has not read. his efforts to secure a copy of it were meager at best, resulting in my having to drive in the dark to the barnes & noble on libbie avenue to get the book.
i stopped by bebo's on my way home, as i had purchased a dozen warm krispy kreme donuts and had no one to share them with. i gave him the book, and the donuts, and in return i got a lecture from him on again letting austin fail. this time my crime was going over his college essays before he sent them off to UVA's baseball coach for review. in bebo's opinion, i am making austin out to be someone he isn't, and next year he will fail it anyway and they will find it out. he says that i am making no progress with austin's skills and i am just "dressing up the monkey and hiding his tail." in his grand opinion, i am wasting my time and shouldn't do it, period.
as usual, his view is negative and disappointing, something he is prone to and is the reason (in my opinion) why he is perpetually unsatisfied with life. he never offers a solution or anything positive as an alternative. his new campaign is "let austin fail" and so he can learn a lesson. as i told him, there is $60,000 tied up in this personal opinion of his, and i am not about to let austin throw it away because he needs to learn a lesson right now. he can learn a lesson when it costs me less.
it is really infuriating that bebo, who has done almost nothing at all to help get austin where he is, can be so pompous and believe that his opinion should have any weight anywhere. he has lived totally free of any daily or even weekly responsibilities for austin short of paying child support. he is the most difficult person to understand and reason with, as his ideas seem to come out of left field and have almost no basis in anything practical. his taking the phone away vs. computer games only shows how unattuned his is to what austin values. he is very quick to let me and austin both know that i haven't disciplined austin and had he been with bebo, he would have had rules, etc. bebo could have been a discipline asset had he had any reasonable idea about what would be the best way to punish austin. but his punishments have never fit the crime, and have been either totally ridiculous because they were too severe, or nonexistent because he didn't think anything should be done. on this subject we have never been on the same page, period.
there is some basis in his belief that austin should fail at something and take the consequences. but all of the areas he is balancing precariously in have huge consequences, mostly monetary, that directly affect me in more ways than just financial. sometimes i just think bebo would like austin to do badly just so that he could point to me and say i am the reason. had i let him fail at something, he would have learned his lesson, blah, blah, blah. there are ways to teach a lesson, but a life altering one such as not going to college doesn't seem to be a wise move. it is a stupid move, period. i think as a parent you have to step in sometimes and just do it. but consistently baling austin out all the time would be wrong as well, and i have tried hard to stay out of that realm. but it has become necessary for me to be involved with the academics this year because austin is not doing what he needs to do because he is in the senioritis phase. i recognize that, and i am monitoring it. all i want to do is monitor, not intervene. but intervene i will if he does not do what needs to be done. if i have to go and do something that should have been done by him, i will do that and there will be consequences. this time i think it will be that austin will take my car after school tomorrow and clean out the inside of it. he took my time, so i am going to take his.
i am in the land of disappointment right now, and it is not a strange land to me. however familiar it is, i still don't find being here any kind of comfort, and would really like to climb out of this valley and sit on the mountaintops. the view from there surely has to be better, more inspiring, than the shadows i fall in and out of in the flatlands.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
medical update on me
lots of tests, lots of small issues. i am on new meds, higher dosages of the ones i have been on. i just had a colonoscopy yesterday and they removed 3 polyps. i have passed two small kidney stones and a lot of gravel in the last 2 weeks. i was in a huge fibro loop for about 2 months that finally has gotten somewhat manageable. i had the h1n1 flu in september which turned into walking pneumonia. it was discovered that my heart was enlarged, so i had an echocardiogram and the end result was that my high blood pressure has done a bit of damage. new bp meds, and the bp is down. my thyroid and cholesterol are down and i have lost some weight. i have had ongoing issues with choking, swallowing, getting stuck, so they did an upper g.i. and small intestine series last wednesday. don't have the results back on that yet, and won't have biopsy results on the colon until next week. they didn't seem to think anything was bad in there, so i will go with that.
meg got me reading a book called POTATOES, NOT PROZAC and it is about sugar addiction. i read it and saw myself all over it. i am doing the first step, which is eating breakfast each morning. i am getting used to that and i am feeling a bit better i think. the next move is to eat more protein and to start journaling what i am eating so i can pinpoint the addictive triggers. i like the concept of the book, and i think it is something i can do.
all the meds have made me sort of mellow.
meg got me reading a book called POTATOES, NOT PROZAC and it is about sugar addiction. i read it and saw myself all over it. i am doing the first step, which is eating breakfast each morning. i am getting used to that and i am feeling a bit better i think. the next move is to eat more protein and to start journaling what i am eating so i can pinpoint the addictive triggers. i like the concept of the book, and i think it is something i can do.
all the meds have made me sort of mellow.
thinking, which can sometimes be a bad thing!
the thing about writing is you have to start doing it, period. i haven't, but i have had this nagging feeling that i should be doing it and would be happier if i were. so i am. now.
on my mind right now is austin, who is going through a rough spot. senioritis i guess, but i feel like the punching bag. he wants to do whatever he wants when he wants to. i am at fault for letting logic rule the day in all cases. not a good precident, and now i am paying for it. bebo and i talked to him last week about his attitude and his mouth, but he doesn't seem to get it. in any case, i told him if he were to start doing the things he is supposed to do, when he is supposed to do them, that he could do more things that he wants. but he is not doing the basic things. he isn't keeping up with his classwork and is skipping classes. he doesn't do his chores on a timely basis and never completes anything. what he does is sloppy and half assed. and there is always stress involved in getting him to do anything. throw in bebo who thinks he should be allowed to fail, and it makes it very complicated.
austin has moved himself to bebo's for awhile, mostly in protest over the fact i will not let him go out and "spend the night with friends." this translates in his being able to stay wherever with whomever and having no supervision to speak of. they are apparently going around and doing pranks on each other. austin thinks that because he tells me what he is doing, i will approve. bebo has said i should let him have some fun. but fun is all he is doing, and he is not doing the other things he needs to do. bebo's version of discipline is different from mine, so we have a split there. this last week he took the phone away from austin, which wasn't much of anything because he could use the house phone and when he was with lindsey, he could use her phone. the only one punished was me, who worried about him being in the car with no phone, and therefore no lifeline if there were a problem. bebo doesn't seem to believe that taking away the computer would be a better punishment. that would be because he is clueless about really parenting and lives on his version in his head what HE would do, which isn't rational or based in anything vaguely resembling useful.
i am living in the house with the cats and quiet and me on the downlow. i am not quite in the girl cave, but the house itself has become something of a cavern. i am feeling a lot alone right now, and a bit sad. this is austin's last time at home, the end of his childhood. i never pictured that the last year would be hell. i thought he would have matured and it would be easy. i badly miscalculated that one. it has been a huge struggle for power and control on his part, and a huge struggle for a happy ending on my part.
there are a lot of things to be considered, not the least of which is how i will live after he is really gone. this has been something of a good thing in that i am getting used to it. but i do feel a lot unloved and uncared about right now, sort of childish i guess, but it is how i am feeling. it does point out that when it gets right down to it, i am really alone and i do not have a partner or a primary person in my life who is interested in me. i am not in the mode of recruiting one. i would just like my son to be a little empathetic and caring. at this point, i might as well be pissing up a rope to think that would be happening.
his behavior has caused me to question parts of his character, and i don't like what i am seeing. i don't like the way he is treating lindsey. but i also don't like the way she acts around him or in certain situations. she is a handful on a good day, and is sort of high maintenance. i often think that amy would have been better for him in the long run vs. lindsey. two opposites, believe me. he seems to be more himself with lindsey, but i am not sure i like some of that either. in the long run, i am left to ponder who my son is, and it doesn't always compute. i guess he is still a work in progress. i can only hope that he turns out to be a good man. i don't seem to get to see any of the good stuff, only the bad and the ugly. that i could do without. what is scary is that the ones he is closest too he tends to treat in an inconsiderate manner. he can be sweet and a lot of other things, but i don't see much of it. i just feel a lot abused and taken advantage of. again i have to hope that i have done some things right along the way and that he will turn out to be a good man.
on my mind right now is austin, who is going through a rough spot. senioritis i guess, but i feel like the punching bag. he wants to do whatever he wants when he wants to. i am at fault for letting logic rule the day in all cases. not a good precident, and now i am paying for it. bebo and i talked to him last week about his attitude and his mouth, but he doesn't seem to get it. in any case, i told him if he were to start doing the things he is supposed to do, when he is supposed to do them, that he could do more things that he wants. but he is not doing the basic things. he isn't keeping up with his classwork and is skipping classes. he doesn't do his chores on a timely basis and never completes anything. what he does is sloppy and half assed. and there is always stress involved in getting him to do anything. throw in bebo who thinks he should be allowed to fail, and it makes it very complicated.
austin has moved himself to bebo's for awhile, mostly in protest over the fact i will not let him go out and "spend the night with friends." this translates in his being able to stay wherever with whomever and having no supervision to speak of. they are apparently going around and doing pranks on each other. austin thinks that because he tells me what he is doing, i will approve. bebo has said i should let him have some fun. but fun is all he is doing, and he is not doing the other things he needs to do. bebo's version of discipline is different from mine, so we have a split there. this last week he took the phone away from austin, which wasn't much of anything because he could use the house phone and when he was with lindsey, he could use her phone. the only one punished was me, who worried about him being in the car with no phone, and therefore no lifeline if there were a problem. bebo doesn't seem to believe that taking away the computer would be a better punishment. that would be because he is clueless about really parenting and lives on his version in his head what HE would do, which isn't rational or based in anything vaguely resembling useful.
i am living in the house with the cats and quiet and me on the downlow. i am not quite in the girl cave, but the house itself has become something of a cavern. i am feeling a lot alone right now, and a bit sad. this is austin's last time at home, the end of his childhood. i never pictured that the last year would be hell. i thought he would have matured and it would be easy. i badly miscalculated that one. it has been a huge struggle for power and control on his part, and a huge struggle for a happy ending on my part.
there are a lot of things to be considered, not the least of which is how i will live after he is really gone. this has been something of a good thing in that i am getting used to it. but i do feel a lot unloved and uncared about right now, sort of childish i guess, but it is how i am feeling. it does point out that when it gets right down to it, i am really alone and i do not have a partner or a primary person in my life who is interested in me. i am not in the mode of recruiting one. i would just like my son to be a little empathetic and caring. at this point, i might as well be pissing up a rope to think that would be happening.
his behavior has caused me to question parts of his character, and i don't like what i am seeing. i don't like the way he is treating lindsey. but i also don't like the way she acts around him or in certain situations. she is a handful on a good day, and is sort of high maintenance. i often think that amy would have been better for him in the long run vs. lindsey. two opposites, believe me. he seems to be more himself with lindsey, but i am not sure i like some of that either. in the long run, i am left to ponder who my son is, and it doesn't always compute. i guess he is still a work in progress. i can only hope that he turns out to be a good man. i don't seem to get to see any of the good stuff, only the bad and the ugly. that i could do without. what is scary is that the ones he is closest too he tends to treat in an inconsiderate manner. he can be sweet and a lot of other things, but i don't see much of it. i just feel a lot abused and taken advantage of. again i have to hope that i have done some things right along the way and that he will turn out to be a good man.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
what i did on my summer vacation
keeping track of the traveling:
in june, as soon as school was out, we went to cincinnati for 5 days. i had never been there and wanted to make that trek. it had been a long time since i had been to the midwest. it was an interesting town. i ate in a couple of chili places, collected different types of chili from the kroger, and discovered coneys, which are little mini-hot dogs with chili. never had seen those before. one day i went downt to the ohio river to the riverfront park area and walk on the purple people eater bridge. there was an art show out on one side of the bridge, and a riverboat churning under the bridge. i wanted to get down to the river and get a rock, but it wasn't set up to do that easily, so i left cincinnati without one. this journey was also noted as when i got told that austin had had sex for the first time with his girlfriend. it wasn't like i didn't think this would happen, but i thought it would be later. we were in east jesus, ohio, traversing 50 miles of 2 lane roads because the males in the convoy had a "better way" i.e. using the stupid GARMIN gps. note: they all suck and i can't imagine why anyone would use one. anyway, i cried when austin told me, but i didn't really understand why. he did. he said "you are crying because i am not a little boy anymore." and this is true. it was the beginning of a summer in which i found out how much i don't really know my son and how much i don't have any control over anything he says, does, or feels. the real reason we went to cincinnati was to play ball, and they won the tourney, which was nice. it was a fast 8 hour pedal-to-the-metal drive back home because austin had to get to the DIAMOND by 8am the next morning for his tryouts with the arizona diamondbacks (he made the team.)
next, a hot saturday was spent in williamsburg watching silly games on dusty field. not a fun day. nothing memorable.
JULY: austin went off to atlanta for 2 weeks. this trip was precipitated by a speeding ticket on the morning he left and a total meltdown by me over not being able to control anything, his being a total dick and obnoxious. not what i wanted to have happen at that point. but it did. and i think now it was a good thing. i went to bed that monday with a headache and pretty much cried and slept the whole day. in the long run, i think this was the break. since then, my parenting has been sketchy at best. i am now used to not seeing him for long periods of time, and find that when he is here, it just stresses me out because he never does what i ask him to do house wise. it is very upsetting and all summer i have felt devalued and disrespected. i don't know whether my acceptance of his sexual situation and hearing about it from both he and lindsey has made me less respectable in their eyes, but i don't think i can change that. i am not comfortable totally with the situation, but not because i disapprove so much as i don't care and wonder if i should. the birth control is taken care of, and i have more or less looked the other way concerning their activities. i know they have sex in the house. i have asked not to have it in my face about what they are doing, but they are pretty open and jokey about it, which weirds me out a lot. but again, i don't care really. i figure at this point i could make them feel guilty, make them sneak around, but what good comes from that? bad sex and lots of guilt. if they are going to do it, might as well make it stress free and pleasurable. what they do later in their lives, i don't know. and i don't know if i have made the right move or not, but the move it made. so be it.
the second week austin was gone i went to seattle, and i had a simply marvelous time. for the first time since pam and i were in new mexico, i was completely relaxed. i was totally enraptured with the weather, the flowers, the food, the culture, the people, all of it. if i could have stayed there longer, i would have.
before i left for seattle, i went up to petersburg, wva to uncle jack's farm. mom and dad were there also, and we helped him prepare for his annual 4th of july party. the memorable thing there was the UNmemorable bbq that he had made and it was tres bland. mom and i tried to doctor it up as best we could. mom was a bit irritated because she spent most of the time doing work for the party. daddy's hip went out and he was down for the count for a day. we couldn't walk to the creek or the barn because both places were overgrown with weeds. i spent some time doing puzzles and we did a bit of shopping. the fireworks were marvelous and i took some really good pictures of them. i discovered a broasted chicken place in harrisonburg off of the interstate at 33, and got some and took it home with me. that was the first time i had had broasted chicken since we at it at bob's diner in Sioux falls, sd.
there was a trip to nc. to play ball at unc and at campbell university. we stayed with kathy houlihan in youngville, nc and that was fun. she and jim have "retired" there and have a huge, lovely home. we gabbed all night. jim wasn't there (it was during the week) and we returned to richmond on a friday so that austin could leave on saturday to go to myrtle beach for a week with lindsey's family. the next trip was the following thursday, when i drove to myrtle beach and spent an amusing, but sleepless night in the "condo" that lindsey's father's girlfriend had gotten. it was not the size of my san francisco room, and everyone was sleeping in one room. i got no sleep, and listened to 36 songs by josh groban 3 times over and over on the IPOD. austin and i got up early and drove to lakeland, FL where he was playing for 5 days in the east coast showcase baseball deal.
august: and it started in florida, which i hate, and still hate. the weather was miserably hot. i did some shopping there, at a lot of hot dogs at the checkers stand. daddy flew down on saturday and i was glad he did that. it was the first time i had spent time with him alone in my whole life. we drove around during the day sometimes and went into lakeland, which is a quaint little town. we went looking for oranges one day, but didn't find any (out of season in that part of the state.) austin was in the tigertown complex in his dorm, so we saw him some, but not a lot. i went to orlando twice, once to pick daddy up from the airport and once to eat at bubba gumps at universal studios. we had a bad rain storm going, and austin went with us. we had quite a hike from the parking lot to the restaurant and there were tons of people despite the heat and rain. it just confirmed my resolve never to go to a theme park in the summer, period. on sunday daddy and i went over to tampa to eat cuban food at a restaurant recomended on roadfoods.com. we were both underwhelmed. it was pretty bland and i was pretty disappointed. but most of my food choices in situations like that are good, so i guess i can't complain too much. the holiday inn that we stayed in was nice and i had a huge room, king bed, and a fridge and microwave. daddy was down the hall from me in my own room. we put him on the plane and booked for virginia, an all day drive. we stopped and did get produce outside of daytona (oranges for the neighbors) and then straight home for the most part with few stops. i drove the first 6, austin the last 6 and we made it, again, in record time. the trip wasn't a waste in that austin got seen by all these scouts, but it was much ado about nothing. he didn't play the whole week except 3 at bats (l hit, l walk, l strikeout) and he pitched 2 innings in the last game of the whole tourney, the last day. i had to sit in the heat and sweat myself sick for 4 days to see it. he did pitch well, over 90+ and he struck out 3, including ozzie guillen's son. one walk, one hit. pretty quick work. he didn't get to play first at all, and it was obvious that some of the coaches had favorites who got to play all the time.
after we got back from florida, pam and i went down to visit chuck and linda barat in horsehoe, nc, which is south of asheville, and north of hendersonville. we had a fun, relaxing time. pam went to the biltmore and chuck and i went to the nc farmers market, where of course i went nuts. we went to a nursery where i bought black mondo grass and a pitcher plant. we went to the art district of asheville on saturday and went into several galleries. we ended up eating thai and shopping in hendersonville and that night played hearts and spades and listened to the classic vinyl station on XM radio, where i knew all of the artists! we enjoyed looking at the plants and gardening things, and they have a lovely koi pond and have done a great job of landscaping the place, which is up on top of a mountain. pam and i drove back via danville and southeast virginia, which i hadn't been in in a long, long time, so that was an interesting twist to traveling.
daddy had hip surgery, so i made a couple of trips down to the beach, but never got on the beach. i spent a day with my mother and we did a little shopping and went to pollards for dinner and out to lunch at a deli, where i had one of the largest reuben sandwiches i have ever had. i had decided to spend time with my mother one on one like i had with daddy. we were supposed to go to the beach, but it was very hot and she didn't want to do that, so we went shopping instead and i actually bought clothes. daddy did fine with his surgery and has continued to do well. i had thought i would go back and help them last weekend, but they didn't need me since he was doing so well. lindsey and austin went on wednesday and took them uncle al's hotdogs and visited for the day. when i was there that last time i ate a footlong hormel hotdog at danny's drive in on kempsville rd, and i was happy about that in that i had been driving past that place for 40 years and had never stopped and eaten there. it turned out that they have 3 kinds of hotdogs, gwaltney, hormel and nathans as well as deli sandwiches. it was a good stop!
i went back to school on monday and i have been tired, but cerebral all week. i have been in a flare since 8/4 and it has not subsided. i was supposed to have gone down to cary, nc yesterday for austin's baseball, but i just didn't feel good and bebo was going anyway, so it was all good. i think i just need to rest.
in june, as soon as school was out, we went to cincinnati for 5 days. i had never been there and wanted to make that trek. it had been a long time since i had been to the midwest. it was an interesting town. i ate in a couple of chili places, collected different types of chili from the kroger, and discovered coneys, which are little mini-hot dogs with chili. never had seen those before. one day i went downt to the ohio river to the riverfront park area and walk on the purple people eater bridge. there was an art show out on one side of the bridge, and a riverboat churning under the bridge. i wanted to get down to the river and get a rock, but it wasn't set up to do that easily, so i left cincinnati without one. this journey was also noted as when i got told that austin had had sex for the first time with his girlfriend. it wasn't like i didn't think this would happen, but i thought it would be later. we were in east jesus, ohio, traversing 50 miles of 2 lane roads because the males in the convoy had a "better way" i.e. using the stupid GARMIN gps. note: they all suck and i can't imagine why anyone would use one. anyway, i cried when austin told me, but i didn't really understand why. he did. he said "you are crying because i am not a little boy anymore." and this is true. it was the beginning of a summer in which i found out how much i don't really know my son and how much i don't have any control over anything he says, does, or feels. the real reason we went to cincinnati was to play ball, and they won the tourney, which was nice. it was a fast 8 hour pedal-to-the-metal drive back home because austin had to get to the DIAMOND by 8am the next morning for his tryouts with the arizona diamondbacks (he made the team.)
next, a hot saturday was spent in williamsburg watching silly games on dusty field. not a fun day. nothing memorable.
JULY: austin went off to atlanta for 2 weeks. this trip was precipitated by a speeding ticket on the morning he left and a total meltdown by me over not being able to control anything, his being a total dick and obnoxious. not what i wanted to have happen at that point. but it did. and i think now it was a good thing. i went to bed that monday with a headache and pretty much cried and slept the whole day. in the long run, i think this was the break. since then, my parenting has been sketchy at best. i am now used to not seeing him for long periods of time, and find that when he is here, it just stresses me out because he never does what i ask him to do house wise. it is very upsetting and all summer i have felt devalued and disrespected. i don't know whether my acceptance of his sexual situation and hearing about it from both he and lindsey has made me less respectable in their eyes, but i don't think i can change that. i am not comfortable totally with the situation, but not because i disapprove so much as i don't care and wonder if i should. the birth control is taken care of, and i have more or less looked the other way concerning their activities. i know they have sex in the house. i have asked not to have it in my face about what they are doing, but they are pretty open and jokey about it, which weirds me out a lot. but again, i don't care really. i figure at this point i could make them feel guilty, make them sneak around, but what good comes from that? bad sex and lots of guilt. if they are going to do it, might as well make it stress free and pleasurable. what they do later in their lives, i don't know. and i don't know if i have made the right move or not, but the move it made. so be it.
the second week austin was gone i went to seattle, and i had a simply marvelous time. for the first time since pam and i were in new mexico, i was completely relaxed. i was totally enraptured with the weather, the flowers, the food, the culture, the people, all of it. if i could have stayed there longer, i would have.
before i left for seattle, i went up to petersburg, wva to uncle jack's farm. mom and dad were there also, and we helped him prepare for his annual 4th of july party. the memorable thing there was the UNmemorable bbq that he had made and it was tres bland. mom and i tried to doctor it up as best we could. mom was a bit irritated because she spent most of the time doing work for the party. daddy's hip went out and he was down for the count for a day. we couldn't walk to the creek or the barn because both places were overgrown with weeds. i spent some time doing puzzles and we did a bit of shopping. the fireworks were marvelous and i took some really good pictures of them. i discovered a broasted chicken place in harrisonburg off of the interstate at 33, and got some and took it home with me. that was the first time i had had broasted chicken since we at it at bob's diner in Sioux falls, sd.
there was a trip to nc. to play ball at unc and at campbell university. we stayed with kathy houlihan in youngville, nc and that was fun. she and jim have "retired" there and have a huge, lovely home. we gabbed all night. jim wasn't there (it was during the week) and we returned to richmond on a friday so that austin could leave on saturday to go to myrtle beach for a week with lindsey's family. the next trip was the following thursday, when i drove to myrtle beach and spent an amusing, but sleepless night in the "condo" that lindsey's father's girlfriend had gotten. it was not the size of my san francisco room, and everyone was sleeping in one room. i got no sleep, and listened to 36 songs by josh groban 3 times over and over on the IPOD. austin and i got up early and drove to lakeland, FL where he was playing for 5 days in the east coast showcase baseball deal.
august: and it started in florida, which i hate, and still hate. the weather was miserably hot. i did some shopping there, at a lot of hot dogs at the checkers stand. daddy flew down on saturday and i was glad he did that. it was the first time i had spent time with him alone in my whole life. we drove around during the day sometimes and went into lakeland, which is a quaint little town. we went looking for oranges one day, but didn't find any (out of season in that part of the state.) austin was in the tigertown complex in his dorm, so we saw him some, but not a lot. i went to orlando twice, once to pick daddy up from the airport and once to eat at bubba gumps at universal studios. we had a bad rain storm going, and austin went with us. we had quite a hike from the parking lot to the restaurant and there were tons of people despite the heat and rain. it just confirmed my resolve never to go to a theme park in the summer, period. on sunday daddy and i went over to tampa to eat cuban food at a restaurant recomended on roadfoods.com. we were both underwhelmed. it was pretty bland and i was pretty disappointed. but most of my food choices in situations like that are good, so i guess i can't complain too much. the holiday inn that we stayed in was nice and i had a huge room, king bed, and a fridge and microwave. daddy was down the hall from me in my own room. we put him on the plane and booked for virginia, an all day drive. we stopped and did get produce outside of daytona (oranges for the neighbors) and then straight home for the most part with few stops. i drove the first 6, austin the last 6 and we made it, again, in record time. the trip wasn't a waste in that austin got seen by all these scouts, but it was much ado about nothing. he didn't play the whole week except 3 at bats (l hit, l walk, l strikeout) and he pitched 2 innings in the last game of the whole tourney, the last day. i had to sit in the heat and sweat myself sick for 4 days to see it. he did pitch well, over 90+ and he struck out 3, including ozzie guillen's son. one walk, one hit. pretty quick work. he didn't get to play first at all, and it was obvious that some of the coaches had favorites who got to play all the time.
after we got back from florida, pam and i went down to visit chuck and linda barat in horsehoe, nc, which is south of asheville, and north of hendersonville. we had a fun, relaxing time. pam went to the biltmore and chuck and i went to the nc farmers market, where of course i went nuts. we went to a nursery where i bought black mondo grass and a pitcher plant. we went to the art district of asheville on saturday and went into several galleries. we ended up eating thai and shopping in hendersonville and that night played hearts and spades and listened to the classic vinyl station on XM radio, where i knew all of the artists! we enjoyed looking at the plants and gardening things, and they have a lovely koi pond and have done a great job of landscaping the place, which is up on top of a mountain. pam and i drove back via danville and southeast virginia, which i hadn't been in in a long, long time, so that was an interesting twist to traveling.
daddy had hip surgery, so i made a couple of trips down to the beach, but never got on the beach. i spent a day with my mother and we did a little shopping and went to pollards for dinner and out to lunch at a deli, where i had one of the largest reuben sandwiches i have ever had. i had decided to spend time with my mother one on one like i had with daddy. we were supposed to go to the beach, but it was very hot and she didn't want to do that, so we went shopping instead and i actually bought clothes. daddy did fine with his surgery and has continued to do well. i had thought i would go back and help them last weekend, but they didn't need me since he was doing so well. lindsey and austin went on wednesday and took them uncle al's hotdogs and visited for the day. when i was there that last time i ate a footlong hormel hotdog at danny's drive in on kempsville rd, and i was happy about that in that i had been driving past that place for 40 years and had never stopped and eaten there. it turned out that they have 3 kinds of hotdogs, gwaltney, hormel and nathans as well as deli sandwiches. it was a good stop!
i went back to school on monday and i have been tired, but cerebral all week. i have been in a flare since 8/4 and it has not subsided. i was supposed to have gone down to cary, nc yesterday for austin's baseball, but i just didn't feel good and bebo was going anyway, so it was all good. i think i just need to rest.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
florida...again
the good news about the trip to florida is that i got to spend several days there with my father, which was a first that we have ever done that. my mother hasn't been feeling well and has some lower digestive issues, so she opted not to go. the other good news was that austin pitched pretty well in the two innings that he got to pitch in and that he walked away feeling like he had done well.
the bad news was that the east coast pro showcase was not what it was cracked up to be. i learned a lot about the major league draft process, and i learned a lot about the favoritism aspect of it. obviously, the kids who were favored got to play, a lot. those not so, barely got a shot. austin got exactly 3 at bats the whole time he was there. he also had his pitching slot changed to the last day when virtually all of the scouts were gone. in other words, he did not get his day in the sun like some of the others. they also let some of the favored ones play multiple times and multiple positions, whereas austin did not get to do anything but pitch. it was very frustrating to watch, especially since i didn't see anyone who i thought was all that spectacular. some of the ones being highlighted weren't any better than austin either. but according to him, they were going to go up in the draft. i don't know what will come out of this for him, but in any case, it really doesn't matter. he has his ride at virginia, so anything else would be gravy.
prehaps the good thing is that he has come home and decided he needs to get himself to the point where he can pitch full time and start. he seemed determined to get himself in shape and be able to be considered for the draft. i hope he does do that.
the bad news was that the east coast pro showcase was not what it was cracked up to be. i learned a lot about the major league draft process, and i learned a lot about the favoritism aspect of it. obviously, the kids who were favored got to play, a lot. those not so, barely got a shot. austin got exactly 3 at bats the whole time he was there. he also had his pitching slot changed to the last day when virtually all of the scouts were gone. in other words, he did not get his day in the sun like some of the others. they also let some of the favored ones play multiple times and multiple positions, whereas austin did not get to do anything but pitch. it was very frustrating to watch, especially since i didn't see anyone who i thought was all that spectacular. some of the ones being highlighted weren't any better than austin either. but according to him, they were going to go up in the draft. i don't know what will come out of this for him, but in any case, it really doesn't matter. he has his ride at virginia, so anything else would be gravy.
prehaps the good thing is that he has come home and decided he needs to get himself to the point where he can pitch full time and start. he seemed determined to get himself in shape and be able to be considered for the draft. i hope he does do that.
Monday, July 27, 2009
insignificant afterthought
there are moments when i drift back to this place that i don't like, and i dwell in it. maybe it is normal for women my age to feel this way, but over the last few days, i have felt like the girl cave with the cats is the best place to be. contact with the outside world seems to exacerbate my feelings that i am never a priority in any other person's life, and never have been.
why is that?
too much time has been wasted trying to figure this one out. it is what it is. but how did it get to be this way? was this part of the package when i came here this time? am i supposed to be working this out? i am trying to be open minded, but i keep coming back over and over to this. no one out there in my life, especially those people who should be concerned about me, seem to take me or my feelings seriously. this gives me a serious case of "i-feel-sorry-for me" and, while i don't like it, it is starting to be a nasty little niche i stay in.
when i was a kid i couldn't make any friends who seemed to like me or want to seek me out. i was the afterthought, the 3rd wheel, the kid someone hung with because she was just there. i know i talked a lot, i know i was hyperactive. but i also know i wanted friends, and none sought me out. i always had to be the person trying to make friends with someone. it didn't improve when we moved to richmond and i spent middle school with no significant best friends until i met pauline, ginny and ginger. they were considerably older than i was, but did seem to like having me around and we did things together and it was fine. but then they all grew up, and by 1971, that was over and i was on my own at school and in the neighborhood.
i met m.j. in 1973 and have spent the last 35 years being at the bottom of the pedestal looking up. after having spent 4 days with her in june, i finally got the closure i needed. she herself said that if it hadn't been for me, she probably wouldn't still be friends with me. that says a lot. and it is also indicative of what i have done my whole life, which is make the phone calls, maintain the lifeline. few people actually call me. and again, i have to wonder why.
but it gets worse in many ways when i look at those people in my life who were supposed to love me and think about me. parents. bebo. austin. and in all cases, i am sort of insignificant on their radars, a blip. my mother i have spent a lifetime trying to please, and while i have figured out somethings, i am never without my guard up. she is getting better in her old age, but i do not trust her with my feelings too much. i try, too much i might say, and i am always disappointed. i have at least learned she is not to be trusted to not hurt me, but i guess i will go to my grave being optimistic. the fact is, she is emotionally unavailable in most ways for me. her reactions to anything i say involving how i feel are never what you would expect from a mother. they aren't comforting. there isn't much of a feeling of anything but anger or annoyance with who or what has upset me. she doesn't know how to comfort. i know it is not her fault, and thank god i learned that lesson as i got older. but it still doesn't mean i don't wish to be parented like the model.
bebo never really gave a shit about my feelings or what i needed/wanted. even when would tell him, if he didn't have the same feelings/experiences under his belt, what i felt was insignificant. period. and this was someone i was married to for 14 years. while he is a good person, he was unavailable too.
my brother is totally caught up in his own thoughts and problems, and when i discuss or mention anything to him, he is off on a tangent of either comparing himself to the problem (and how his experience might have been worse), giving me advice (based upon his own experiences, which aren't mine), or talking about himself for long periods of time and forgetting whatever it was that i was talking about. this is why i don't like talking to him anymore.
and then there is austin, who has the incredible ability to make me just weep. i see, unfortunately, his father and his lack of empathy stamped all over austin, and it worries me. i cannot distinguish any longer whether his choices are because he is 17, or if they are who he has developed into. unquestionably, being a male AND a young are playing into all of this. but he is just either hell bent on doing what he wants, or he is just so unconnected that he doesn't care. he doesn't seem to value what i feel. i cannot seem to get him to see that he needs to stop arguing with me and just give me a little comfort or at least validation. he doesn't need to have had the experience to be at least sympathetic. instead, he makes things all worse by arguing with me until i am crying, more out of frustration that no one hears me than anything else. and when i reach that point, it hurts. and i am down into the girl cave and hiding.
time passing seems to smooth over the waves of whatever tempest has upset the current boat. but i keep going back to the same question: why doesn't anyone love me enough to care how i feel? what is it about me that no one seems to want to listen to what i have to say or even give me a hug? i am bereft of all of this type of comfort when down, and this is why i find my cats to be ultimately more delightful and helpful than humans.
why is that?
too much time has been wasted trying to figure this one out. it is what it is. but how did it get to be this way? was this part of the package when i came here this time? am i supposed to be working this out? i am trying to be open minded, but i keep coming back over and over to this. no one out there in my life, especially those people who should be concerned about me, seem to take me or my feelings seriously. this gives me a serious case of "i-feel-sorry-for me" and, while i don't like it, it is starting to be a nasty little niche i stay in.
when i was a kid i couldn't make any friends who seemed to like me or want to seek me out. i was the afterthought, the 3rd wheel, the kid someone hung with because she was just there. i know i talked a lot, i know i was hyperactive. but i also know i wanted friends, and none sought me out. i always had to be the person trying to make friends with someone. it didn't improve when we moved to richmond and i spent middle school with no significant best friends until i met pauline, ginny and ginger. they were considerably older than i was, but did seem to like having me around and we did things together and it was fine. but then they all grew up, and by 1971, that was over and i was on my own at school and in the neighborhood.
i met m.j. in 1973 and have spent the last 35 years being at the bottom of the pedestal looking up. after having spent 4 days with her in june, i finally got the closure i needed. she herself said that if it hadn't been for me, she probably wouldn't still be friends with me. that says a lot. and it is also indicative of what i have done my whole life, which is make the phone calls, maintain the lifeline. few people actually call me. and again, i have to wonder why.
but it gets worse in many ways when i look at those people in my life who were supposed to love me and think about me. parents. bebo. austin. and in all cases, i am sort of insignificant on their radars, a blip. my mother i have spent a lifetime trying to please, and while i have figured out somethings, i am never without my guard up. she is getting better in her old age, but i do not trust her with my feelings too much. i try, too much i might say, and i am always disappointed. i have at least learned she is not to be trusted to not hurt me, but i guess i will go to my grave being optimistic. the fact is, she is emotionally unavailable in most ways for me. her reactions to anything i say involving how i feel are never what you would expect from a mother. they aren't comforting. there isn't much of a feeling of anything but anger or annoyance with who or what has upset me. she doesn't know how to comfort. i know it is not her fault, and thank god i learned that lesson as i got older. but it still doesn't mean i don't wish to be parented like the model.
bebo never really gave a shit about my feelings or what i needed/wanted. even when would tell him, if he didn't have the same feelings/experiences under his belt, what i felt was insignificant. period. and this was someone i was married to for 14 years. while he is a good person, he was unavailable too.
my brother is totally caught up in his own thoughts and problems, and when i discuss or mention anything to him, he is off on a tangent of either comparing himself to the problem (and how his experience might have been worse), giving me advice (based upon his own experiences, which aren't mine), or talking about himself for long periods of time and forgetting whatever it was that i was talking about. this is why i don't like talking to him anymore.
and then there is austin, who has the incredible ability to make me just weep. i see, unfortunately, his father and his lack of empathy stamped all over austin, and it worries me. i cannot distinguish any longer whether his choices are because he is 17, or if they are who he has developed into. unquestionably, being a male AND a young are playing into all of this. but he is just either hell bent on doing what he wants, or he is just so unconnected that he doesn't care. he doesn't seem to value what i feel. i cannot seem to get him to see that he needs to stop arguing with me and just give me a little comfort or at least validation. he doesn't need to have had the experience to be at least sympathetic. instead, he makes things all worse by arguing with me until i am crying, more out of frustration that no one hears me than anything else. and when i reach that point, it hurts. and i am down into the girl cave and hiding.
time passing seems to smooth over the waves of whatever tempest has upset the current boat. but i keep going back to the same question: why doesn't anyone love me enough to care how i feel? what is it about me that no one seems to want to listen to what i have to say or even give me a hug? i am bereft of all of this type of comfort when down, and this is why i find my cats to be ultimately more delightful and helpful than humans.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
patience and the same old same old
austin spent the evening with my brother, who promptly called me to tell me about the alien who has become my son. not that i did not know that he is someone now that i don't recognize, but hearing my brother go on and on about it was almost redundant. worry, worry, worry. he isn't the person he was at xmas. blah, blah, blah. it isn't that i don't appreciate his observations, but they were negative. and then there was his take on lindsey, and i find myself again, suprisingly, having to defend this kid as not being the reason that austin has become a swaggering asshole.
i am not looking forward to being pinned down by my parental units over the next 2 days about austin. i know they will both try and talk to me about him, and worm info out of me. i have got to get some resolve and just refuse to discuss stuff. they, especially my mother, know how to push all of my buttons and exploit my weaknesses to their advantage. i just do not want anything else to color how they think about lindsey. it really isn't fair. they don't know her, and they are putting me in the position of having to sort of choose between their observations and whether or not they are correct. they are correct, but they are jumping to conclusions without the proper information. bottom line: i like her. i am the "mother-in-law" and i am the person with first right of refusal. period.
i am not looking forward to being pinned down by my parental units over the next 2 days about austin. i know they will both try and talk to me about him, and worm info out of me. i have got to get some resolve and just refuse to discuss stuff. they, especially my mother, know how to push all of my buttons and exploit my weaknesses to their advantage. i just do not want anything else to color how they think about lindsey. it really isn't fair. they don't know her, and they are putting me in the position of having to sort of choose between their observations and whether or not they are correct. they are correct, but they are jumping to conclusions without the proper information. bottom line: i like her. i am the "mother-in-law" and i am the person with first right of refusal. period.
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