a year later...

This time last year...a knee surgery, a missed vacation, a summer spent in the recliner, but a spark...

This time this year...lots of changes, and I would have to say for the most part I am a happier camper. These changes have only come in the last three months, the result of my finding myself slowly emerging from two knee surgeries with a definite lowering of pain.

Pain. 

Fifteen years of it, constantly, unrelenting. You get used to it because you don't have much choice. I was pretty resigned to it, but then all of a sudden I began to get glimpses of it slowly dissipating...

I could be walking down the halls of school those last few days and then notice that I hadn't noticed I was in pain. What a strange, exhilarating feeling, something I had forgotten about and never thought I would experience again. 

Betrayal.

Granted, the school year was ugly and I was very glad it concluded. While my classes actually weren't that bad, the circumstances under which I was teaching were stressful, confusing and just all around spirit sucking. I went into the summer break with a decided bad taste in my mouth, especially about some of the relationships that I had during the school year. I did a lot of self examination over these last two months and my conclusion is that I am unfortunately going into this year a bit combative. This is a result of my feeling as if I got taken advantage of and misinterpreted by some individuals that I had hoped would not turn out to be false friends. It happens. You adjust. I will. I won't be a patsy this year and I will speak up instead of seething and keeping silent.

Out with the old, in with the new. A big cliche, but sometimes it happens and I think to some extent that has happened to me in many ways. 

Physically, I am a lot better. My diabetes is under control. I can walk and ride my bike. I have been able to do a fair amount of yard work and landscaping this summer, although not as much as I would have liked. I have made some physical changes such as getting contacts (sort of worthless since I have to wear reading glasses), getting my hair cut at Nesbit, getting pedicures, getting a tan, getting my faced waxed. I considered and accepted the possibility of starting to date some and I have this summer. The situations are all of my liking in that I am in no position to wish for more and I don't want more. It was interesting that some men were interested in me at all since I have considered myself undesirable for a long time. I am thinking that attitude has a lot to do with that. If you like yourself a little, maybe that projects to others. I am open to that prospect now that I am not in constant pain. I am most grateful, really, really grateful. I don't think that people really can understand how life changing the retreat of pain can change a person. I am going back to work with people who really don't know any other person other than the pained person I have been for 16 years. They will have an opportunity to see me, or a changed me, this year.