a story from beliefnet

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/103/story_10399_1.html?WT.mc_id=NL24

this morning i got this article as part of my daily emails from beliefnet. the story itself is good, but when i got to the postscript, my heart almost stopped. what she experienced when her dog passed was exactly what happened to me when my cat santini died in 1999. i have never met anyone or read anything where anyone described this exact same event happening to them when a pet died.

santini was a reiki junkie, but in the last weeks before he died, he absolutely refused it. he wouldn't sit in my lap or let me do reiki on him. when it came time to put him down, i had my hands on him and he was again spitting and growling. i kept them there while they gave him the injection. all of a sudden there was a big whoosh, almost like a huge wind, and it passed through both of my hands and my right arm, in a left to right motion and out up to the ceiling. the vet hadn't finished completely with him, but i knew then he was gone. i took my hands off of him, and she asked if i wanted his body, and i said no, as i truly knew he was absolutely gone, and i turned my back, walked out of the room to the car and didn't look back. what i was feeling, more than grief, was an absolute knowledge that the spirit and the body are really 2 separate things. my mother always has said that the body is just the temple for the soul, but at that moment i knew it was true, and it has helped me a lot to deal with death, which is starting to occur more and more in my life.

i might have shared this story with some of you before, but i just felt like i needed to pass on the article "as proof" that i am not totally crazy with this angel thing. i am writing on my other blog about new mexico, and the more days that go by, the more i see a trail of angel pennies that led me there. those of you at school especially know that i kept finding them, over and over and over again when i needed them. it was almost on a daily basis. looking back, i think those were signs that i needed to keep the faith, that i wasn't by myself. i have to admit i was just about ready to throw myself in front of a train if my life didn't change. truthfully, i was just about out of faith and there was a lot of despair. but i think a higher power knew what i needed and what circumstances i needed to have exist in order for me to get to the healing i needed to get to, and i got it.

when pam and i were in new mexico, there were a lot of coincidental things that kept occuring, which made me think constantly that we were being watched and accompanied. there were several spiritual things that happened, many of them in places that weren't where you expected them...driving through the jicarilla apache reservation, driving out of cortez, colorado to 4 corners, driving the turquoise trail between albuquerque and santa fe, doing reiki on pam, linda and chuck while we were in the hot springs in pagosa (the sun was going down, and all 4 of us were standing next to each other at the lip of the pool where the water was falling over into the san juan river. chuck was to my right and i had my hand on top of his and my left hand on linda's hand. she in turn had her hand on pam, who was to linda's left, so the reiki was flowing between all 4 of us. it was very peaceful and quite a bonding experience for me.)

in any case, since i have been back, i haven't found many pennies, but i haven't been looking for them all that much either. i think that is because my angels have gotten me to the point where i can stand up on my own and not feel so beaten down. i don't need the pennies like i did before i went.

so if you want to see proof, spend an hour with me i haven't felt this good physically in a long, long time. i was able to do things out there that i didn't have any hope of doing, such as climbing in high altitudes and getting over my fear of heights. i was able to leap out of balloon gondolas at a single bound, climb 30 ft. ladders and squeeze through tiny tunnels, and fight with unwilling cacti on the side of the road! i also stopped eating, and have lost weight since then and have managed to maintain it. i have been a lot distracted since i have been home, thinking way too much about what went on, so naturally my transition back has been slow and hard at times. however, i have finished doing most of the things i needed to do to make this transition, and i am busy and happy. i can't say that i was before all of this, but i think i have had a lot of help in so many ways, including from my friends.

keep picking up those pennies when you find them!
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/103/story_10399_1.html?WT.mc_id=

mark twain

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

the last of the inspirational poems, part III

Mother to Son
by Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

another inspirational poem, part II

COURAGE -
Anne Sexton

It is in the small things we see it.
The child’s first step,
as awesome as an earthquake.
The first time you rode a bike,
wallowing up the sidewalk.
The first spanking when your heart
went on a journey all alone.
When they called you crybaby
or poor or fatty or crazy
and made you into an alien,
you drank their acidand concealed it.

Later,
if you faced the death of bombs and bullets
you did not do it with a banner,
you did it with only a hat to
cover your heart.
You did not fondle the weakness inside you
though it was there.
Your courage was a small coal
that you kept swallowing.
If your buddy saved you
and died himself in so doing,
then his courage was not courage,
it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.

Later,
if you have endured a great despair,
then you did it alone,
getting a transfusion from the fire,
picking the scabs off your heart,
then wringing it out like a sock.
Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,
you gave it a back rub
and then you covered it with a blanket
and after it had slept a while
it woke to the wings of the roses
and was transformed.

Later,
when you face old age and its natural conclusion
your courage will still be shown in the little ways,
each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen,
those you love will live in a fever of love,
and you’ll bargain with the calendar
and at the last moment
when death opens the back door
you’ll put on your carpet slippers
and stride out.

my favorite inspirational poems, part I

I Am Offering This Poem - Jimmy Santiago Baca

I am offering this poem to you,
since I have nothing else to give.
Keep it like a warm coat,
when winter comes to cover you,
or like a pair of thick socks
the cold cannot bite through

I love you

I have nothing else to give you,
so it is a pot full of yellow corn
to warm your belly in the winter,
it is a scarf for your head, to wear
over your hair, to tie up around your face

I love you

Keep it, treasure it as you would
if you were lost, needing direction,
in the wilderness life becomes when mature;
and in the corner of your drawer,
tucked away like a cabin or a hogan
in dense trees, come knocking,
and I will answer, give you directions,
and let you warm yourself by this fire,
rest by this fire, and make you feel safe

I love you

It's all I have to give,
and it's all anyone needs to live,
and to go on living inside,
when the world outside
no longer cares if you live or die;
remember,

I love you.

the type of person a higher power uses

this morning the message at church was about the type of person god uses, and sammy used the example of mary, who was asked to be the mother of jesus. he didn't pick a person who was ego driven or rich. he picked an ordinary teenager and asked her to get over her fear of criticism by the community and her family. she would also have to conquer a natural fear of the supernatural, which translates into not asking yourself the question "what will happen to me?" a person asked to do something extraordinary will also have a fear of inadequency, feeling like "how can i handle this?" and perhaps the greatest fear is the fear of change, because taking on something huge and different begs the question of "how will this change my life?"

certainly i am not mary and not mothering a saint or god-to-be. i haven't been asked by god to do anything different other than, apparently, to be myself. that in and of itself is a huge separating factor. but i guess the question has to be asked is if i have the desire to do god's will.
sammy rightly stated that those of us anointed to do "dirty work" have to have a lot of humility and some enthusiasm for the task. i can't say i fit that description. but i am also convinced i am being asked to do something special, probably in the area of healing and teaching. however, i feel so off the path of life most of the time that my confidence seems to be as tangible as a wisp of smoke.

the sermon went on to say that god uses people who are willing to pay the cost. well, what if you aren't exactly willing? it involves a lot of hope and trust, and i doubt myself so much. however, when all of these yucky things involving people keep happening to me, i end up not so much bitter and mad as i am sad and wanting to withdraw and get a better, wider perspective. Unfortunately, i am way too human, and i can't just let it flow like water. wish i could, but after awhile, i get scraped so raw that if anyone sucks my air in a room, it will make me mad. i am also not willing to act out the things that i could do to help myself, which is more quiet time and less time doing meaningless things like sitting in front of the tv. i am way too restless, and i think that is just a technique that we learn to keep these problems at bay. as long as i keep occupying myself with drivel, i can keep going. but i am not totally stupid. i know i have to slow down and let it come in and deal with it. i usually do this at night when i am going to sleep, or trying to. in the end, though, if i am to be one who is willing to pay the cost, the question is what am i willing to give up? right now, it would be being part of people and being liked and validated.

what do i desire most? right now it would be to be comfortable in my own skin, to be able to view skeptics and negative people with a sense of detachment. detached=not affected. i would like not to take things so incredibly personally. everything just tears me up? i'd like to say i desire not to be affected by anyone, but i know that would be wrong. no challenges, no growth.

the last part of this sermon involved the fact that god uses people who dare to trust his promise. i am not sure i have been promised anything. i think i innately know i have a purpose and i am somewhat blindly plunging on, but i guess i need to trade in my humanism for an more other-worldly view. sometimes i can do that. but most of the time i am a bad mortal and, boy, a really weak one at that. i am not sure i have any of the qualifications that a higher power would ask for in someone doing his biding for a greater cause.

i guess if i could remove my egotistical need to be validated out of the equation, i might be a lot happier and a lot better to do good works. i would like to do that. i NEED to do that. so why can't i?

life is leveling out...i hope

the sun has just finished up for the day, and so have i.

i am covered in a layer of topsoil and sweat, having finally gotten the new above ground vegetable bed done tonight. bruce next door helped me by drilling the holes in the wooden box and pounding the rebar in a bit. i went after the rest of it with the huge hammer he lent me, not willing to wait for austin to do it tomorrow. nor was i willing to wait to haul the 10 bags of topsoil (at 40 lbs. a piece) to the bed and empty and spread them. i also changed the spool on the weedwacker and went after the weeds in the yard. so the sun came down, the ice cream truck came by and i rewarded myself with a rare nutty buddy which i ate while talking over the fence to my next door neighbor. i didn't get the plants into the planters, but i can do that tomorrow. the only thing i didn't do was build the trellis that i am going to put up for the cukes. i can't punish myself too much over that one, as i didn't get the idea until yesterday when i saw it in a magazine at home desperado.

austin had baseball this weekend, and i got some sunburn and some conversation and socialization in with parents i hadn't seen in awhile. i also went to meg's for a cookout tonight and socialized for an couple of hours, and then came home to the chores. i have about 2 hours of chitchat in me, and then i have to bolt. brenda davis came over this afternoon, and i got my kitchen cleaned really well. brenda, who is a neatnik, would take the broom and sweep your house up and clean for you, so when she comes, i am generally motivated to do stuff around the hacienda. she needs to visit more often, as i would scrub more...

have read some in a new book, THE LAST TEMPLAR, and finished THE TEMPLAR LEGACY. have actually gotten some of the NYTIMES sunday read on sunday which usually doesn't happen. i have my bedroom to clean up and laundry to fold before i can relax, although relaxing isn't something i seem to be able to do with much aplomb.

school will be out in a couple of weeks, and i am still looking for work. bebo cornered me at the ballgame to discuss "things" and we basically agreed to disagree over the child support and what it supports. he thinks he is being generous by giving me what the state is telling me that austin is supposed to get. in his mind, he only is obligated to pay $420/month and the extra $200 is going to austin's college fund and other expenses. in actuality, he is obligated to pay the amount he is paying now, and it only covers his medical expenses. all other things beyond that (baseball expenses, college fund, extras like cleats, etc.) i am now going to be on my own to deal with. i am not happy that at almost 50 years-old i am having to look for a second job. not when my friends are retiring, staying home, or have kids out of college and can do stuff. but the bottom line is, a higher power doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I WILL HANDLE. i always have, i always will. austin will be taken care of, and so will i.

so life has leveled out, although on the surface it seems bumpy. the leveling comes from knowing what is in front of me. i comes from knowing what i have to do, and what i won't be getting. as long as i have the parameters, i can deal with it.