...austin talks to me. not always nicely. but he does tell me what he thinks and confides in me. that is something a lot of parents don't have.
...i get along with bebo. he plucks my nerves sometimes and reminds me why i am not married to him. but ultimately, he is a good person and a friend.
...the squirrels don't like safflower seeds and the finches do. lots of finches, lots of cardinals.
...expensive bird feeders that actually keep the squirrels from getting anything
...attentive cats. better than people. they know when to get the hell on, they don't argue, and they are low maintenance.
...old friends who care about me. they are low maintenance too, but rev up when there is a need.
...my parents and family are relatively healthy in their twilight years
...my back being in at this moment and my knees aren't hurting right now.
...that bruce found a simple fix to the push mower not working
...that beer can be traded for a simple lawn mower fix
...that i got my state tax check, which was $1001. i put it in the savings account.
...being able to get good places booked for our upcoming west coast adventure.
...that i get to go back to san francisco, yosemite and new mexico, and especially that i get to go back to pagosa springs to the hot springs there.
...fish tacos and jack daniels burgers with austin at TGIF's.
...online pizza ordering.
...guy fieri and DINERS, DRIVE INS AND DIVES on the food network. a whole list of places to visit on the trip.
...the chinatown bus to nyc, yankee tickets and hostels...and uncle george bush, the dufus, giving me $600 to spend. austin's birthday present is a trip there in july.
...not having to go to orlando in august. now it is jupiter, florida, in june.
...angel pennies when i need them.
...the ability to give reiki and massages and have people forget whatever transgressions i might have incurred that required i get back in their good graces via these little gifts.
...not having babies, young kids or grandkids. a teenager is enough. and one is just fine, thank you.
...that austin is happy with amy and doesn't have girl drama.
...that bebo has loosened up the purse strings and is picking up some of the expenses that i have done on my own for years.
...low humidity, however temporary.
...new books from amazon to read and savor: RETIREMENT IN NEW MEXICO, BUILDING SCREENED ROOMS AND PORCHES.
...getting a copy of DIAMONDS AND RUST by joan baez and having a pleasant flashback.
...ceiling fans in all the rooms
...peeper frogs, and the return of bud-weis and er, the front waterfall frogs.
...solar lamps and lights in my yard
...no headaches this week...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
austin...the ultimate dumb ass...:)
i couldn't make this up, even if i tried.
i couldn't find my keys today and realized that austin, who drove us to school, probably had forgotten to give them to me. as i was plodding to the car, it struck me that i would probably have to walk all the way down to the ball field to get them from him.
but than again, he might have left them in the car. i looked in. they were there. i got in the car and tried to turn the car on...grind, grind, grind....startled, i wondered why...and then i realized...
the car was already on...
the ultimate dumb ass had gotten out of the car...and left it running...for over 8 hours...
i had enough gas to drive to the ball field, walk down and tell him what he had done...and that he owed me $20 for gas...which he had to give me, plus he had to get out and fill up the car.
we just don't seem to have a lot of luck with austin and the cars. oh, he drives well enough, and i figure every day at this point is a good day to die. but getting him to a license is truly peeling years off of my life and making grey the ultimate in hair color for me.
first it was he wouldn't get the learner's permit. i thought this was stupid. what kid doesn't want his driver's permit? mine. why? no real answer. and i never got one. but i did decide that he was going to get the permit, period. so i made him get up and go to the DMV on a saturday morning. he was surly, and uncooperative and difficult and alternating between knowing everything and scared to death. for two hours we sat there, me with my hurting back in a chair designed by hitler. austin refusing to fill out the paper work. me watching the united nations that is the DMV. i felt like i was in a 3rd world country. and then, after all of this...he flunks the driver's permit test. did you hear that explosion? did i have a total meltdown? OH YEAH.
we have to wait 15 days to try for the permit again. this time, he is a bit more enthused. he actually studies for the tests, knows all of the signs. he has baseball at 10 a.m., so we are there with the rest of the refugees at exactly 8 a.m. already the line to GET IN LINE is doubled up inside. i take a seat. i wait for 20 minutes while he slowly gets up to the counter to get a number to get waited on, and then suddenly, he is hovering over me like a big buzzard and i hear the words "they won't give me a number." incredulous, i ask why not...and the answer is...he has no ID. he forgot it. it is at home...and now i have to go and get it, or quit again.
my response: i didn't think it possible to cry twice in the DMV. the whole way home i whipped myself into a frenzy, alternating between punching him and laughing. we get home. he plops down on the sofa and declares he isn't going back, he isn't getting his license. i get about 4 inches from the end of the nose and say tell him yes, you are. i snatch away the remote and the cellphone and tell him that until he passes this test, he will be sitting on this couch with no communications whatsoever, no girlfriend, no baseball, no computers. he will get this frigging license, and he will do it NOW, NOW,NOW!!!!!
he did.
i ask him if he would like to drive to the baseball practice. he says sure. only after he has gotten out of the parking lot does he reveal to me that he has never driven on the road or in traffic before. and here i thought his dad was teaching him to drive. apparently so, but only in an old shopping mall parking lot on a sunday...
i am thinking...it is, again, a good day to die. and this kid needs to overcome his fears. so we drive out into the world...on the interstate.
we make it. he is proud. i don't care anymore. i tell him, now, you have no reason to worry. you have just been put in the worst possible scenario for a new driver and you passed with flying colors.
since then, he is all about driving the car when we go out. even his girlfriend's parents let him drive when they are bringing him home. he does pretty well for someone who can't find his ass without two hands and a road map.
until today, when he got preoccupied over a stain on his shirt, and just forgot to turn off the car. how many different languages can you say "dumb ass" in?
i couldn't find my keys today and realized that austin, who drove us to school, probably had forgotten to give them to me. as i was plodding to the car, it struck me that i would probably have to walk all the way down to the ball field to get them from him.
but than again, he might have left them in the car. i looked in. they were there. i got in the car and tried to turn the car on...grind, grind, grind....startled, i wondered why...and then i realized...
the car was already on...
the ultimate dumb ass had gotten out of the car...and left it running...for over 8 hours...
i had enough gas to drive to the ball field, walk down and tell him what he had done...and that he owed me $20 for gas...which he had to give me, plus he had to get out and fill up the car.
we just don't seem to have a lot of luck with austin and the cars. oh, he drives well enough, and i figure every day at this point is a good day to die. but getting him to a license is truly peeling years off of my life and making grey the ultimate in hair color for me.
first it was he wouldn't get the learner's permit. i thought this was stupid. what kid doesn't want his driver's permit? mine. why? no real answer. and i never got one. but i did decide that he was going to get the permit, period. so i made him get up and go to the DMV on a saturday morning. he was surly, and uncooperative and difficult and alternating between knowing everything and scared to death. for two hours we sat there, me with my hurting back in a chair designed by hitler. austin refusing to fill out the paper work. me watching the united nations that is the DMV. i felt like i was in a 3rd world country. and then, after all of this...he flunks the driver's permit test. did you hear that explosion? did i have a total meltdown? OH YEAH.
we have to wait 15 days to try for the permit again. this time, he is a bit more enthused. he actually studies for the tests, knows all of the signs. he has baseball at 10 a.m., so we are there with the rest of the refugees at exactly 8 a.m. already the line to GET IN LINE is doubled up inside. i take a seat. i wait for 20 minutes while he slowly gets up to the counter to get a number to get waited on, and then suddenly, he is hovering over me like a big buzzard and i hear the words "they won't give me a number." incredulous, i ask why not...and the answer is...he has no ID. he forgot it. it is at home...and now i have to go and get it, or quit again.
my response: i didn't think it possible to cry twice in the DMV. the whole way home i whipped myself into a frenzy, alternating between punching him and laughing. we get home. he plops down on the sofa and declares he isn't going back, he isn't getting his license. i get about 4 inches from the end of the nose and say tell him yes, you are. i snatch away the remote and the cellphone and tell him that until he passes this test, he will be sitting on this couch with no communications whatsoever, no girlfriend, no baseball, no computers. he will get this frigging license, and he will do it NOW, NOW,NOW!!!!!
he did.
i ask him if he would like to drive to the baseball practice. he says sure. only after he has gotten out of the parking lot does he reveal to me that he has never driven on the road or in traffic before. and here i thought his dad was teaching him to drive. apparently so, but only in an old shopping mall parking lot on a sunday...
i am thinking...it is, again, a good day to die. and this kid needs to overcome his fears. so we drive out into the world...on the interstate.
we make it. he is proud. i don't care anymore. i tell him, now, you have no reason to worry. you have just been put in the worst possible scenario for a new driver and you passed with flying colors.
since then, he is all about driving the car when we go out. even his girlfriend's parents let him drive when they are bringing him home. he does pretty well for someone who can't find his ass without two hands and a road map.
until today, when he got preoccupied over a stain on his shirt, and just forgot to turn off the car. how many different languages can you say "dumb ass" in?
I NEED TO SUCK IT UP!
hello corner of cyberspace where i can lecture myself. are you there? :)
i looked at this blog to find out when the last time i was that i was in remission. it was the last week of november, first week of december. i got a day, december 3, 2007. it was actually enough to last me for awhile, but I REALLY NEED A DAY~
hey, god...i need an angel penny!
hey, god...i need just one good day. just one. please. if i can get just one, i think i will be able to make it to the end of the school year. oh, i will make it, crawling if i have to. but i likely will have students, colleagues and friends burning effigies of me and putting more pins in my voodoo doll, which likely now looks like a porcupine.
today, well, i just melted down. it was sort of the bottoming out that can only be described as sort of like when you are pouring spaghetti into a bowl. it comes out slowly in little lumps, and then when you get to the end, the whole damned thing just flies out and splashes everywhere, out of the bowl, on the floor, in the sink, wherever. no matter what you do, you can't make the spaghetti pour smoothly. so is my life!
it guess it doesn't matter what gets you into the sink our out of the bowl. what matters is that somehow you get yourself back to the place where you can become a decent and desired pasta salad...
ok, stupid analogy, but i do feel like plain old pasta right now.the world is a tuxedo and i am a pair of brown shoes...
so, i need to find something to latch on to that reminds me of the old ellen, because that person has sort of disappeared. so i have had my cry today, have watched a funny movie ("wild hogs" which always makes me laugh!), and now i am writing, another good outlet. i don't know exactly what i have to do to get myself hopeful again, but i know i can't keep yelling and wailing and weeping.
simply put, the world isn't going to change, no matter how much i wish it would. the kids i teach aren't going to miraculously develop a sense of respect for themselves or others; they aren't going to suddenly become enthused about reading or thinking or learning; they aren't going to stop asking me vapid, dumb ass questions; they aren't going to suddenly give a rat's ass about something important.
they are just going to keep on as they are. i can't stop it. what can i do? i can try to convince myself that what i do matters. right now, i am thinking not. i know it probably does, but the sheer effort of having to go into a classroom and be beaten back by waves of mediocrity, rudeness and indifference just peels the skin off of me. i am raw. not a good place to be.
it was suggested to me by a younger colleague that i take a year's sabbatical and go work in a florist. i would actually consider it if i didn't have child to support. there has to be a middle ground and i have to suck it up and find it.
there were some good things today. i got a card and a magnet in the mail from an dear old friend; my roomie from college called me because she was "picking me up" and we do that. the student who was sabotaging herself all over my classroom this week came to talk after school. the parent of a former student sent me an email about the "invisible mom" and boy, that struck a nerve.
i didn't find any angel pennies, but there seemed to be other signs. that is good. i am not going to bed tonight totally depressed...:)
i looked at this blog to find out when the last time i was that i was in remission. it was the last week of november, first week of december. i got a day, december 3, 2007. it was actually enough to last me for awhile, but I REALLY NEED A DAY~
hey, god...i need an angel penny!
hey, god...i need just one good day. just one. please. if i can get just one, i think i will be able to make it to the end of the school year. oh, i will make it, crawling if i have to. but i likely will have students, colleagues and friends burning effigies of me and putting more pins in my voodoo doll, which likely now looks like a porcupine.
today, well, i just melted down. it was sort of the bottoming out that can only be described as sort of like when you are pouring spaghetti into a bowl. it comes out slowly in little lumps, and then when you get to the end, the whole damned thing just flies out and splashes everywhere, out of the bowl, on the floor, in the sink, wherever. no matter what you do, you can't make the spaghetti pour smoothly. so is my life!
it guess it doesn't matter what gets you into the sink our out of the bowl. what matters is that somehow you get yourself back to the place where you can become a decent and desired pasta salad...
ok, stupid analogy, but i do feel like plain old pasta right now.the world is a tuxedo and i am a pair of brown shoes...
so, i need to find something to latch on to that reminds me of the old ellen, because that person has sort of disappeared. so i have had my cry today, have watched a funny movie ("wild hogs" which always makes me laugh!), and now i am writing, another good outlet. i don't know exactly what i have to do to get myself hopeful again, but i know i can't keep yelling and wailing and weeping.
simply put, the world isn't going to change, no matter how much i wish it would. the kids i teach aren't going to miraculously develop a sense of respect for themselves or others; they aren't going to suddenly become enthused about reading or thinking or learning; they aren't going to stop asking me vapid, dumb ass questions; they aren't going to suddenly give a rat's ass about something important.
they are just going to keep on as they are. i can't stop it. what can i do? i can try to convince myself that what i do matters. right now, i am thinking not. i know it probably does, but the sheer effort of having to go into a classroom and be beaten back by waves of mediocrity, rudeness and indifference just peels the skin off of me. i am raw. not a good place to be.
it was suggested to me by a younger colleague that i take a year's sabbatical and go work in a florist. i would actually consider it if i didn't have child to support. there has to be a middle ground and i have to suck it up and find it.
there were some good things today. i got a card and a magnet in the mail from an dear old friend; my roomie from college called me because she was "picking me up" and we do that. the student who was sabotaging herself all over my classroom this week came to talk after school. the parent of a former student sent me an email about the "invisible mom" and boy, that struck a nerve.
i didn't find any angel pennies, but there seemed to be other signs. that is good. i am not going to bed tonight totally depressed...:)
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
once again, the big picture
i am thinking that yesterday had to be one of the nastier days i have had in a long time. it began with the news that six of our students had been involved in a car accident the night before. of the six, three were my students. one i taught last year, the other two i am currently teaching. the female student went home from the hospital yesterday, and the rest of the students, with one exception, are home with injuries. however, one, stephen, has been on a ventilator and life support since the accident and he is touch and go. he has multiple injuries to his body..."Multiple facial fractures, Right leg fractures, Bilateral lung injury/ chest tubes, aortic injury. So far, no cervical or spinal injuries, able to move everything." (from a email from the parent of a student who has been in the hospital with the family and is a nurse) he has had several surgeries in the last 24 hours, including a rod in the leg and this afternoon he was to have more surgery on his head. they have him in a medical coma and paralyzed and getting medication to create amnesia from the accident on. things are touch and go. however, the longer we go, i guess the better it is.
when i found this out, i just lost it. call it old age, menopause, or just being a silly woman. in any case, i just put my head down on the table and cried. i can still cry now, but not in the same way. what i was told yesterday morning was that it didn't look good, period.
as i was going into the office to confirm the information, i found an angel penny right at the door. i knew i was going to need it.
i spent most of the lst block getting my act together, and when i went to 2nd block, there were crying kids in there, which started me crying too. i left briefly to heat up my tea, and when i returned, the kids in that class had scattered pennies all around the room, lots of them, to cheer me up. i was really touched. one of the kids in the accident is in that class, so there were a lot of emotions going. in any case, we collected all of the pennies, and i decided that we couldn't do anything for stephen or the others short of collecting the angel pennies and giving them out. so today, i brought in a funky chili salsa bowl and we put pennies in for stephen and his family and the other kids. the rules were if you needed an angel, take a penny; if you had friends who needed an angel, take one and give it away. if you wanted to give an angel, drop a penny in. yesterday i had kids coming and taking pennies, even after school. a few kids dropped in quarters...25 angels in their view! :) i told the kids to spread the word, and they have. so we are collecting pennies in hopes that they will comfort those who need it, and if things don't work the way we wish for stephen, that the angels will help him cross and help those who love him.
yesterday just sucked, period. i had a tremendous headache, but had to stay at school to do grades, and i didn't leave until almost 7pm. i had to track down austin, who got a ride with hank and almost got into an accident himself when some idiot pulled out in traffic at a stoplight and almost hit hank. i got the email from the nurse parent, asking me to tell staff not to go to the hospital or contact the family. i forwarded it to staff, and broke about 9,000 privacy laws in school and elsewhere. i don't think about all that legal crap, and i was only thinking that they should know that his parents wanted privacy. i got called on it, but i moved on. by the time i got home, my headache was blinding, austin was home, and he reluctantly fixed supper and by 8PM i was in the bed. at 2am i heard the car alarm going off in the driveway. austin has apparently fallen asleep yet again on the couch and when he woke up to come to bed, he stepped on my keys which were on the stairs, and set off the alarm. that was fun. and then i woke up today and heard that hillary had won the ohio and texas primaries. sigh. well, that made yesterday just a bang up waste of time, so it was time to move on, and....
...today was better and i feel better about things. i did not have the headache this morning, austin got up and wasn't a problem, a former student of mine came to see me to have me fill out a recommendation for him to teach and take teaching classes at JMU. i got to visit with eric and he told me that i was the reason that he had decided to be a teacher and not a businessman. the kids did the pennies, we had good class discussions today on OF MICE AND MEN, and i got to come home right after school because austin was going to bebo's tonight, a rare treat for me not to have to go back out once i get home. in my heart, i feel ok about stephen. i don't feel like right now is his time to go. i don't know what that means really, other than when bad is about to happen, i generally know or get some sort of premontion about it. yesterday it did not feel good at all. but when i got the email yesterday saying exactly what had happened to him, i somehow felt like it was manageable. don't know why, or what that word will turn out to mean.
so i will continue to go about look for pennies and collecting them for the family...
easy
when i found this out, i just lost it. call it old age, menopause, or just being a silly woman. in any case, i just put my head down on the table and cried. i can still cry now, but not in the same way. what i was told yesterday morning was that it didn't look good, period.
as i was going into the office to confirm the information, i found an angel penny right at the door. i knew i was going to need it.
i spent most of the lst block getting my act together, and when i went to 2nd block, there were crying kids in there, which started me crying too. i left briefly to heat up my tea, and when i returned, the kids in that class had scattered pennies all around the room, lots of them, to cheer me up. i was really touched. one of the kids in the accident is in that class, so there were a lot of emotions going. in any case, we collected all of the pennies, and i decided that we couldn't do anything for stephen or the others short of collecting the angel pennies and giving them out. so today, i brought in a funky chili salsa bowl and we put pennies in for stephen and his family and the other kids. the rules were if you needed an angel, take a penny; if you had friends who needed an angel, take one and give it away. if you wanted to give an angel, drop a penny in. yesterday i had kids coming and taking pennies, even after school. a few kids dropped in quarters...25 angels in their view! :) i told the kids to spread the word, and they have. so we are collecting pennies in hopes that they will comfort those who need it, and if things don't work the way we wish for stephen, that the angels will help him cross and help those who love him.
yesterday just sucked, period. i had a tremendous headache, but had to stay at school to do grades, and i didn't leave until almost 7pm. i had to track down austin, who got a ride with hank and almost got into an accident himself when some idiot pulled out in traffic at a stoplight and almost hit hank. i got the email from the nurse parent, asking me to tell staff not to go to the hospital or contact the family. i forwarded it to staff, and broke about 9,000 privacy laws in school and elsewhere. i don't think about all that legal crap, and i was only thinking that they should know that his parents wanted privacy. i got called on it, but i moved on. by the time i got home, my headache was blinding, austin was home, and he reluctantly fixed supper and by 8PM i was in the bed. at 2am i heard the car alarm going off in the driveway. austin has apparently fallen asleep yet again on the couch and when he woke up to come to bed, he stepped on my keys which were on the stairs, and set off the alarm. that was fun. and then i woke up today and heard that hillary had won the ohio and texas primaries. sigh. well, that made yesterday just a bang up waste of time, so it was time to move on, and....
...today was better and i feel better about things. i did not have the headache this morning, austin got up and wasn't a problem, a former student of mine came to see me to have me fill out a recommendation for him to teach and take teaching classes at JMU. i got to visit with eric and he told me that i was the reason that he had decided to be a teacher and not a businessman. the kids did the pennies, we had good class discussions today on OF MICE AND MEN, and i got to come home right after school because austin was going to bebo's tonight, a rare treat for me not to have to go back out once i get home. in my heart, i feel ok about stephen. i don't feel like right now is his time to go. i don't know what that means really, other than when bad is about to happen, i generally know or get some sort of premontion about it. yesterday it did not feel good at all. but when i got the email yesterday saying exactly what had happened to him, i somehow felt like it was manageable. don't know why, or what that word will turn out to mean.
so i will continue to go about look for pennies and collecting them for the family...
easy
Sunday, March 2, 2008
the fibro fight goes on...:)
i am up early today, on sunday, hoping that i can get the body and the brain in sync! i want to do a lot of things, but it is getting harder and harder to do that, and i am really frustrated about it!
what is with old age anyway? :) this situation with me has gotten really silly, and now a little worrisome. i was home from school thursday and friday with the migraines, again. i think it was just the headaches and hormones. i went to the chiro and they worked on me for 1 1/2 hours to no avail. to his credit, they tried everything...realigning the back, sacro-cranial massage, laser trigger point therapy on the headache trigger spots on my body (hand, wrist, knee), the rolling machine on my back (after cracking it) and ice therapy for my head. they were going to do acupuncture, but i felt like i was going to puke, so i headed back home and to bed, where i more or less stayed for 2 days.
the back is a mess and won't get better. now it is just a plan of maintenance: daily exercises and trips to the chiro and trying not to do anything that makes stuff worse! the problem is, i want to be able to do things like prune my bushes outside or scrub down stuff in the house. but i get so exhausted or start to hurt, and then it is all over. austin could be doing more, but then again, he is a kid and i hate to have to burden him too much. however, things need to be happening in this house, and he blows in and blows out with the cell phone and his agenda. i am left being the taxi driver and facilitator to his schedule...:)
the joke with this fibro is now i do not know if i am really sick or not. in january i thought i just had a cold, and then i went to the doctor (a new one, because my old one shut down her practice in a 2 week period and i had to have a doctor to get prescriptions on my meds renewed). ended up on antibiotics because i was actually sick and really didn't know it. in october when i went to the doctor, i had a lot of work done and that was when they discovered the vitamin d deficiency. (i was a 7 on the scale, with 32 being the bottom end of it...hmmm) my back was out and i didn't know it until the chiro guy said i had no reflexes in my legs (same situation a couple of weeks ago when i went back and discovered the same all over again.)
basically, i am in pain all the time and now i don't know if it is just fibro or something else. i have ignored most of my physical symptoms over the years and written them off as fibro, which can't be cured. but now i guess i will just have to pay more attention, and more money i guess with trips to the doctors! the back issues is a compressed disk with 3 bone spurs in the neck that makes my hands tingle and go numb. the lower back issue is a pinched nerve in the lower area. unfortunately, this nerve is connected to nerves in my bladder and lower body, further weakening them and creating an ongoing problem with control. i have pretty much resigned myself to that issue, as there just isn't anything i can do about it. it could be a source of major worry and embarrassment, or it can just be life. i choose to say it is life, and move on. suffice to say, i spend way too much time scrabbling like a crab for the bathroom!
the good news is that i am doing the vitamin therapy daily (or as much as i can) with the stuff from dr. teitelbaum in annapolis, md. it is a combination of lots of minerals and vitamins in the proportions necessary for people with fibro + a mega b complex vitamin. i am taking my regular D and E megadoses as well as the regular calcium and vitamin chews daily. when i take the energy revitalizer stuff over a couple of days, i do feel a little more peppy. however, it tastes nasty and it is hard to drink it when you mix it up. doing the exercises, however, is a struggle because it just hurts. but i have to do it to keep on walking. however, i do have an exercise program and i am trying to do what i can. i just need an attitude adjustment. not having snow again this year did not give me the mental downtime that i needed. however, the cats have been very supportive, hanging out with me at every place i go, pointing out when hil and bill are at the bird feeder. (unfortunately, however, the cats are all shedding right now, and the house looks like an explosion in a mattress factory...)
menopause is not exactly helping matters either, and i am frustrated with that as well. i think the headaches are chemical, as are my rantings and ravings i guess (austin just calls these moments me being "psycho bitch")
sleeping for 2 days with the headache was probably a good thing, as the chronic fatigue was really getting me and that causes the fibrofog ("where am i? why did i go to the closet? what am i supposed to be doing?)
i keep having to remind myself that having this disease has its pluses, and i know that. i just have moments where i just get too tired to carry on. then i find an angel penny (or in the case of my students, the hide them and leave them all over the room for me to find, and that is uplifting that they would think to do that). i look at my little birds on the deck and feel better, or sit on the deck and look at my pond, or sit on the front porch on the swing and listen to the waterfall in the little pond. the winds blow a bit, and the sun hits things just right and i feel better and part of something a bit bigger, and things for then get alright in the world...
what is with old age anyway? :) this situation with me has gotten really silly, and now a little worrisome. i was home from school thursday and friday with the migraines, again. i think it was just the headaches and hormones. i went to the chiro and they worked on me for 1 1/2 hours to no avail. to his credit, they tried everything...realigning the back, sacro-cranial massage, laser trigger point therapy on the headache trigger spots on my body (hand, wrist, knee), the rolling machine on my back (after cracking it) and ice therapy for my head. they were going to do acupuncture, but i felt like i was going to puke, so i headed back home and to bed, where i more or less stayed for 2 days.
the back is a mess and won't get better. now it is just a plan of maintenance: daily exercises and trips to the chiro and trying not to do anything that makes stuff worse! the problem is, i want to be able to do things like prune my bushes outside or scrub down stuff in the house. but i get so exhausted or start to hurt, and then it is all over. austin could be doing more, but then again, he is a kid and i hate to have to burden him too much. however, things need to be happening in this house, and he blows in and blows out with the cell phone and his agenda. i am left being the taxi driver and facilitator to his schedule...:)
the joke with this fibro is now i do not know if i am really sick or not. in january i thought i just had a cold, and then i went to the doctor (a new one, because my old one shut down her practice in a 2 week period and i had to have a doctor to get prescriptions on my meds renewed). ended up on antibiotics because i was actually sick and really didn't know it. in october when i went to the doctor, i had a lot of work done and that was when they discovered the vitamin d deficiency. (i was a 7 on the scale, with 32 being the bottom end of it...hmmm) my back was out and i didn't know it until the chiro guy said i had no reflexes in my legs (same situation a couple of weeks ago when i went back and discovered the same all over again.)
basically, i am in pain all the time and now i don't know if it is just fibro or something else. i have ignored most of my physical symptoms over the years and written them off as fibro, which can't be cured. but now i guess i will just have to pay more attention, and more money i guess with trips to the doctors! the back issues is a compressed disk with 3 bone spurs in the neck that makes my hands tingle and go numb. the lower back issue is a pinched nerve in the lower area. unfortunately, this nerve is connected to nerves in my bladder and lower body, further weakening them and creating an ongoing problem with control. i have pretty much resigned myself to that issue, as there just isn't anything i can do about it. it could be a source of major worry and embarrassment, or it can just be life. i choose to say it is life, and move on. suffice to say, i spend way too much time scrabbling like a crab for the bathroom!
the good news is that i am doing the vitamin therapy daily (or as much as i can) with the stuff from dr. teitelbaum in annapolis, md. it is a combination of lots of minerals and vitamins in the proportions necessary for people with fibro + a mega b complex vitamin. i am taking my regular D and E megadoses as well as the regular calcium and vitamin chews daily. when i take the energy revitalizer stuff over a couple of days, i do feel a little more peppy. however, it tastes nasty and it is hard to drink it when you mix it up. doing the exercises, however, is a struggle because it just hurts. but i have to do it to keep on walking. however, i do have an exercise program and i am trying to do what i can. i just need an attitude adjustment. not having snow again this year did not give me the mental downtime that i needed. however, the cats have been very supportive, hanging out with me at every place i go, pointing out when hil and bill are at the bird feeder. (unfortunately, however, the cats are all shedding right now, and the house looks like an explosion in a mattress factory...)
menopause is not exactly helping matters either, and i am frustrated with that as well. i think the headaches are chemical, as are my rantings and ravings i guess (austin just calls these moments me being "psycho bitch")
sleeping for 2 days with the headache was probably a good thing, as the chronic fatigue was really getting me and that causes the fibrofog ("where am i? why did i go to the closet? what am i supposed to be doing?)
i keep having to remind myself that having this disease has its pluses, and i know that. i just have moments where i just get too tired to carry on. then i find an angel penny (or in the case of my students, the hide them and leave them all over the room for me to find, and that is uplifting that they would think to do that). i look at my little birds on the deck and feel better, or sit on the deck and look at my pond, or sit on the front porch on the swing and listen to the waterfall in the little pond. the winds blow a bit, and the sun hits things just right and i feel better and part of something a bit bigger, and things for then get alright in the world...
Saturday, March 1, 2008
A Tale of Three Squirrels...
as an english teacher, i think in analogies...and this morning, my son, who is reading A TALE OF TWO CITIES will get the american version,... A TALE OF THREE SQUIRRELS! so, without further ado, i present to you the ELLEN version from someone who has nothing else better to do with her time...(i came up with this while writing kathy, so you will get the story without a beginning...)
... i will just stay here in my POS house on the pond and continue to shoot squirrels with austin's air soft gun (my newest secret pleasure. i hate a damned squirrel...) i know it is not PC to shoot squirrels, but i don't kill them, and besides, they deserve to be binged in the ass every once in awhile. picture this...those fat MF's sit on my deck and rummage through the birdseed for the sunflower seeds. i didn't buy the damned birdseed even for the pretty birds..i bought it for the little underdog, nondescript birds, sparrows, chicadees, finches. but i have the bill clinton squirrel up there merrily eating away and DUMPING the rest of the stuff on the deck. i picked up about 5 handfuls of the seed the other day just to put it back. fat mo-fo bill invites hillary and the rest of the lobbyist squirrels up to feast on my deck, and when i try and scare them away, they LAUGH at me and make a half hearted attempt to leave the deck, but NOT scared because they know the squirrel lobby is way too numerous and powerful. i can't do ANYTHING about it because they will just come back and get what they want when i am not watching. the next thing i know, 10 minutes later they are back, and they have brought their friends. who do i shoot? i am loading up the gun with little plastic pellets, can't see shit, can't see the cats that i am tripping over who are wishing me well, and i slowly open the slide door about 2 inches to stick the gun out and aim. of course, i miss the first shot. bill looks at me and says, hmmm, i think someone is doing something interesting, and the second shot, i hit him in the ass. THEN bill moves. however, hillary is on a part of the deck that i cannot get a clean shot at, and she continues to eat away, BECAUSE SHE CAN AND IT IS HER RIGHT! SHE EARNED IT! SHE HAS BEEN FOLLOWING BILL TO THE BIRDFEEDER ALL THIS TIME, EVEN AFTER HE HAS INTRODUCED THE FEEDER TO MONICA, PAULA, AND GENA FLOWERS! hillary will NOT be shot off the bird feeder! she has positioned herself at a better angle and can't be hit. she is hiding BEHIND the feeder!
BUT WAIT! A SAVIOR TO THE RESCUE OF ALL THE LITTLE BIRDS! LOW AND BEHOLD...IT IS ...
OBAMA THE BLACK SQUIRREL!
not native to the south, obama squirrel creeps slowly into the yard. he does NOT come to the bird feeders. he stays in the yard and gathers up the chicadee/finch/sparrow delegation of birds. he urges those little birds to TAKE BACK YOUR BIRD FEEDER FROM THE REGULAR SQUIRRELS! slowly but surely, the little birds begin to eat at the feeder. slowly but surely, more and more of them come and stay. they block the bird feeder with their little hineys. they fly over and crap on the hil-billary squirrel collection! barack stays in the middle of the yard and says to the birds 'YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN!" slowly over the weeks, the birds take back the feeder! they eat, they chatter, they talk! they tell their other friends, the cardinals, bluejays and the other beautiful birds (oprah, ted kennedy, caroline kennedy) come! eat at the feeder! now is your chance!
bill and hillary chatter from the fence, where they occasionally make forays to the deck, all the while looking at the black squirrel in the yard and chattering at him! hillary is particularily angry because she has followed that bill from tree to tree trying to get to the birdfeeder! she has put in 35 YEARS OF SERVICE and SHE HAS EARNED IT! HE HAS HAD HIS CHANCE! IT'S HER TURN AT THE FEEDER! bill is chattering a lot...he knows hilllary will kick his ass out of the nest given a decent chance, and he has gotten fat and grey and ain't quite the grand squirrel poobah he used to be.
black squirrel is not intimidated! he has the AUDACITY OF HOPE...and this is good. however, black squirrel must be careful.he cannot party too much with the birds on the deck! he must be careful. remember, black squirrels are unusual. black squirrels could be moslems, or terrorists, or the anti-christ or just anything but WHITE. so..he best be aware of the giant white dinosaur...hopefully, obama squirrel won't be saying "it is a far, far better thing i do than i have ever done..."
easy
... i will just stay here in my POS house on the pond and continue to shoot squirrels with austin's air soft gun (my newest secret pleasure. i hate a damned squirrel...) i know it is not PC to shoot squirrels, but i don't kill them, and besides, they deserve to be binged in the ass every once in awhile. picture this...those fat MF's sit on my deck and rummage through the birdseed for the sunflower seeds. i didn't buy the damned birdseed even for the pretty birds..i bought it for the little underdog, nondescript birds, sparrows, chicadees, finches. but i have the bill clinton squirrel up there merrily eating away and DUMPING the rest of the stuff on the deck. i picked up about 5 handfuls of the seed the other day just to put it back. fat mo-fo bill invites hillary and the rest of the lobbyist squirrels up to feast on my deck, and when i try and scare them away, they LAUGH at me and make a half hearted attempt to leave the deck, but NOT scared because they know the squirrel lobby is way too numerous and powerful. i can't do ANYTHING about it because they will just come back and get what they want when i am not watching. the next thing i know, 10 minutes later they are back, and they have brought their friends. who do i shoot? i am loading up the gun with little plastic pellets, can't see shit, can't see the cats that i am tripping over who are wishing me well, and i slowly open the slide door about 2 inches to stick the gun out and aim. of course, i miss the first shot. bill looks at me and says, hmmm, i think someone is doing something interesting, and the second shot, i hit him in the ass. THEN bill moves. however, hillary is on a part of the deck that i cannot get a clean shot at, and she continues to eat away, BECAUSE SHE CAN AND IT IS HER RIGHT! SHE EARNED IT! SHE HAS BEEN FOLLOWING BILL TO THE BIRDFEEDER ALL THIS TIME, EVEN AFTER HE HAS INTRODUCED THE FEEDER TO MONICA, PAULA, AND GENA FLOWERS! hillary will NOT be shot off the bird feeder! she has positioned herself at a better angle and can't be hit. she is hiding BEHIND the feeder!
BUT WAIT! A SAVIOR TO THE RESCUE OF ALL THE LITTLE BIRDS! LOW AND BEHOLD...IT IS ...
OBAMA THE BLACK SQUIRREL!
not native to the south, obama squirrel creeps slowly into the yard. he does NOT come to the bird feeders. he stays in the yard and gathers up the chicadee/finch/sparrow delegation of birds. he urges those little birds to TAKE BACK YOUR BIRD FEEDER FROM THE REGULAR SQUIRRELS! slowly but surely, the little birds begin to eat at the feeder. slowly but surely, more and more of them come and stay. they block the bird feeder with their little hineys. they fly over and crap on the hil-billary squirrel collection! barack stays in the middle of the yard and says to the birds 'YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN!" slowly over the weeks, the birds take back the feeder! they eat, they chatter, they talk! they tell their other friends, the cardinals, bluejays and the other beautiful birds (oprah, ted kennedy, caroline kennedy) come! eat at the feeder! now is your chance!
bill and hillary chatter from the fence, where they occasionally make forays to the deck, all the while looking at the black squirrel in the yard and chattering at him! hillary is particularily angry because she has followed that bill from tree to tree trying to get to the birdfeeder! she has put in 35 YEARS OF SERVICE and SHE HAS EARNED IT! HE HAS HAD HIS CHANCE! IT'S HER TURN AT THE FEEDER! bill is chattering a lot...he knows hilllary will kick his ass out of the nest given a decent chance, and he has gotten fat and grey and ain't quite the grand squirrel poobah he used to be.
black squirrel is not intimidated! he has the AUDACITY OF HOPE...and this is good. however, black squirrel must be careful.he cannot party too much with the birds on the deck! he must be careful. remember, black squirrels are unusual. black squirrels could be moslems, or terrorists, or the anti-christ or just anything but WHITE. so..he best be aware of the giant white dinosaur...hopefully, obama squirrel won't be saying "it is a far, far better thing i do than i have ever done..."
easy
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