I NEED TO SUCK IT UP!

hello corner of cyberspace where i can lecture myself. are you there? :)

i looked at this blog to find out when the last time i was that i was in remission. it was the last week of november, first week of december. i got a day, december 3, 2007. it was actually enough to last me for awhile, but I REALLY NEED A DAY~
hey, god...i need an angel penny!
hey, god...i need just one good day. just one. please. if i can get just one, i think i will be able to make it to the end of the school year. oh, i will make it, crawling if i have to. but i likely will have students, colleagues and friends burning effigies of me and putting more pins in my voodoo doll, which likely now looks like a porcupine.

today, well, i just melted down. it was sort of the bottoming out that can only be described as sort of like when you are pouring spaghetti into a bowl. it comes out slowly in little lumps, and then when you get to the end, the whole damned thing just flies out and splashes everywhere, out of the bowl, on the floor, in the sink, wherever. no matter what you do, you can't make the spaghetti pour smoothly. so is my life!

it guess it doesn't matter what gets you into the sink our out of the bowl. what matters is that somehow you get yourself back to the place where you can become a decent and desired pasta salad...

ok, stupid analogy, but i do feel like plain old pasta right now.the world is a tuxedo and i am a pair of brown shoes...

so, i need to find something to latch on to that reminds me of the old ellen, because that person has sort of disappeared. so i have had my cry today, have watched a funny movie ("wild hogs" which always makes me laugh!), and now i am writing, another good outlet. i don't know exactly what i have to do to get myself hopeful again, but i know i can't keep yelling and wailing and weeping.

simply put, the world isn't going to change, no matter how much i wish it would. the kids i teach aren't going to miraculously develop a sense of respect for themselves or others; they aren't going to suddenly become enthused about reading or thinking or learning; they aren't going to stop asking me vapid, dumb ass questions; they aren't going to suddenly give a rat's ass about something important.

they are just going to keep on as they are. i can't stop it. what can i do? i can try to convince myself that what i do matters. right now, i am thinking not. i know it probably does, but the sheer effort of having to go into a classroom and be beaten back by waves of mediocrity, rudeness and indifference just peels the skin off of me. i am raw. not a good place to be.

it was suggested to me by a younger colleague that i take a year's sabbatical and go work in a florist. i would actually consider it if i didn't have child to support. there has to be a middle ground and i have to suck it up and find it.

there were some good things today. i got a card and a magnet in the mail from an dear old friend; my roomie from college called me because she was "picking me up" and we do that. the student who was sabotaging herself all over my classroom this week came to talk after school. the parent of a former student sent me an email about the "invisible mom" and boy, that struck a nerve.
i didn't find any angel pennies, but there seemed to be other signs. that is good. i am not going to bed tonight totally depressed...:)