A Tale of Three Squirrels...

as an english teacher, i think in analogies...and this morning, my son, who is reading A TALE OF TWO CITIES will get the american version,... A TALE OF THREE SQUIRRELS! so, without further ado, i present to you the ELLEN version from someone who has nothing else better to do with her time...(i came up with this while writing kathy, so you will get the story without a beginning...)

... i will just stay here in my POS house on the pond and continue to shoot squirrels with austin's air soft gun (my newest secret pleasure. i hate a damned squirrel...) i know it is not PC to shoot squirrels, but i don't kill them, and besides, they deserve to be binged in the ass every once in awhile. picture this...those fat MF's sit on my deck and rummage through the birdseed for the sunflower seeds. i didn't buy the damned birdseed even for the pretty birds..i bought it for the little underdog, nondescript birds, sparrows, chicadees, finches. but i have the bill clinton squirrel up there merrily eating away and DUMPING the rest of the stuff on the deck. i picked up about 5 handfuls of the seed the other day just to put it back. fat mo-fo bill invites hillary and the rest of the lobbyist squirrels up to feast on my deck, and when i try and scare them away, they LAUGH at me and make a half hearted attempt to leave the deck, but NOT scared because they know the squirrel lobby is way too numerous and powerful. i can't do ANYTHING about it because they will just come back and get what they want when i am not watching. the next thing i know, 10 minutes later they are back, and they have brought their friends. who do i shoot? i am loading up the gun with little plastic pellets, can't see shit, can't see the cats that i am tripping over who are wishing me well, and i slowly open the slide door about 2 inches to stick the gun out and aim. of course, i miss the first shot. bill looks at me and says, hmmm, i think someone is doing something interesting, and the second shot, i hit him in the ass. THEN bill moves. however, hillary is on a part of the deck that i cannot get a clean shot at, and she continues to eat away, BECAUSE SHE CAN AND IT IS HER RIGHT! SHE EARNED IT! SHE HAS BEEN FOLLOWING BILL TO THE BIRDFEEDER ALL THIS TIME, EVEN AFTER HE HAS INTRODUCED THE FEEDER TO MONICA, PAULA, AND GENA FLOWERS! hillary will NOT be shot off the bird feeder! she has positioned herself at a better angle and can't be hit. she is hiding BEHIND the feeder!
BUT WAIT! A SAVIOR TO THE RESCUE OF ALL THE LITTLE BIRDS! LOW AND BEHOLD...IT IS ...
OBAMA THE BLACK SQUIRREL!
not native to the south, obama squirrel creeps slowly into the yard. he does NOT come to the bird feeders. he stays in the yard and gathers up the chicadee/finch/sparrow delegation of birds. he urges those little birds to TAKE BACK YOUR BIRD FEEDER FROM THE REGULAR SQUIRRELS! slowly but surely, the little birds begin to eat at the feeder. slowly but surely, more and more of them come and stay. they block the bird feeder with their little hineys. they fly over and crap on the hil-billary squirrel collection! barack stays in the middle of the yard and says to the birds 'YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN!" slowly over the weeks, the birds take back the feeder! they eat, they chatter, they talk! they tell their other friends, the cardinals, bluejays and the other beautiful birds (oprah, ted kennedy, caroline kennedy) come! eat at the feeder! now is your chance!
bill and hillary chatter from the fence, where they occasionally make forays to the deck, all the while looking at the black squirrel in the yard and chattering at him! hillary is particularily angry because she has followed that bill from tree to tree trying to get to the birdfeeder! she has put in 35 YEARS OF SERVICE and SHE HAS EARNED IT! HE HAS HAD HIS CHANCE! IT'S HER TURN AT THE FEEDER! bill is chattering a lot...he knows hilllary will kick his ass out of the nest given a decent chance, and he has gotten fat and grey and ain't quite the grand squirrel poobah he used to be.
black squirrel is not intimidated! he has the AUDACITY OF HOPE...and this is good. however, black squirrel must be careful.he cannot party too much with the birds on the deck! he must be careful. remember, black squirrels are unusual. black squirrels could be moslems, or terrorists, or the anti-christ or just anything but WHITE. so..he best be aware of the giant white dinosaur...hopefully, obama squirrel won't be saying "it is a far, far better thing i do than i have ever done..."
easy