it's all about numbers, dude...

i went to church today and the message was on getting out of debt. there were a lot of good things mentioned, and i resolved to come home and torture myself with the checkbook. i have now completed that task and only need to finish this blog before i go off and slit my wrists...

seriously though, i am supposed to be relieved and happy that i have done the dirty work and now have a full accounting of my finances, or lack thereof. however, i am not feeling anything but extremely bitchy and irritated. i hate having to balance the checkbook. the good news is that i am doing a lot of the financial stuff tonight that i have put off for months. one of those things is getting all of my medical and other stuff together to do the taxes, the next big disaster. last year i got money back due to all of my medical bills. while i have a number of them this year, i don't think i am going to get much, if anything back. my big hope is that i won't have to pay. i am not sure what i will do if i have to pay. and this is supposed to be bebo's year for the austin tax exemption. in keeping with my drive to increase my child support, i am also hauling out all of my expense records for the last year to get an idea of exactly how much i am spending on my child. i figure that the numbers might be a bit stunning to his father, who thinks that any child can live on 1,087 a month (combined income of both bebo and i that goes towards austin). i guess bebo thinks i am spending my days at neiman-marcus and buying stuff off of the internet with the money. i understand a little of where he is coming from. on paper, that money looks like a lot of bucks. but in reality, that money is used to support the house, utilities, groceries, gas, college fund, health and dental that are necessary to keep austin in the manner that he is accustomed to (which isn't much compared to all of his friends.) it costs me $50 a month just to feed him lunch at school.

so now i am just number gathering and crunching, and maybe this will be good, as it will put me on a budget once i figure out exactly how much i am paying for everything each month. they say numbers don't lie, but they sure can be illusional...

honey bell tangelos!

one of my gifts to myself in january is honeybell or babybell tangelos from florida. my uncle sent me a shipment this year and has for the last couple of years and they really are a treat! they are little balls of sugar in a thick skin! austin and i cut them in half and stand over the sink sucking the juice out of them. i ordered from gregory's groves in silver springs, florida. the number there is 800-466-3923 or you can go on line at gregorysgroves.com. treat yourself!

something good from something bad

last night i went upstairs to my bedroom and sought out a corner of my life that exists on the closet floor. in the bottom drawer of an old chest of drawers are my journals and my writings from years passed. they are the chronicle of a life that i no longer am part of, but i discovered is always a part of me.

i was looking for kathy grabinsky, my former student who tragically died a few weeks ago in senseless robbery. i knew she was in the pages of my journal and the center of a poem i had written about her happy approach to life.

the poem, and kathy, were found. i reconnected with what i had seen 20 years ago, and in the process of finding her again, i also found a part of me that i had forgotten about.

kathy wasn't mentioned in my journals. all the notes on her were together with the poem, which had gone through countless editings at the hands of two professional writers, robert hazel (now deceased) and naomi shihab nye. both helped me trim down the image to something that seems to capture her, sort of like a three dimensional polaroid picture, one fading in time, but still vivid in its own way. but in the process of looking for her, i reread the journals that i wrote during that time in my life, a time of upheaval and personal growth. while searching for her, i found a piece of me.

reading about what i thought then and what was important to me at that time helped me to appreciate some things about myself that i couldn't have seen back then. one thing concerns my writing. i was told countless times that i had talent and ability and i shouldn't waste it. i never took those accolades seriously, and i never attempted to do anything professionally. when i started writing this blog, it was my attempt to begin to write again. i wanted an outlet to express myself, and it seemed to be an easy thing to do. it is also safe. few know that i am writing here in my own corner of cyberspace, and no one comments. it allows me the freedom of just writing, and not writing for something or someone other than myself. i don't know if it is good or bad, and at this point, that doesn't really matter. the point is to express myself. i have.

reading my own words reminded me that i wasn't as completely selfish and petty has i remember myself to be. i philosophized a great deal about my life and solutions to it. i was honest about my feelings. and my words were written well.i had forgotten i could do that. and i am reminded that i can still do that should i choose to.

we all have our spiritual gifts, and one of mine i believe is writing and thinking. i am a good teacher, and i think that too is a gift. i am different, and in my old age i am learning to love that part of myself and make peace with it. i am finding that it is important to be comfortable in your own skin, to not constantly chafed at the direction that you have naturally taken. this is especially true when you are like me, one who has not exactly lived in the mainstream of life.

in her passing, kathy has given me a prize. it was three hours on a closet floor reconnecting some pieces. she was the glue last night, and, as a result, my life puzzle is stronger and more bonded. i am reminded by her passing that life is like water, always flowing. nothing really dies unless you will it so. we live in so many ways, so many forms. the ability to see the big picture, as i did for awhile last night, is a wonderful thing.

i am a saddened teacher...

over the 19 years that i have been a school teacher, lots of students have come in and out of my life and made impressions. of course, you don't remember them all, but some you do just because they are special. one of those was a 19-year old girl named kathy grabinsky whom i taught my first year of grad school at v.c.u.

why i remember her now is because today i discovered that she was one of the 7 victims in a grisly crime spree here in richmond. kathy, her husband bryan, and their 2 daughters, stella and ruby, were brutally murdered on new year's day in their home. they were bound, beaten and their throats were cut. the killers tried to set the house on fire to cover up their crime. they have been caught, but not before they killed 3 more people and possibly more in a crime spree that went on over several weeks and in several states. the motive seems to be robbery.

kathy was stunningly beautiful, naive, and a gifted writer. what charisma! she was happy-go-lucky, fun, positive! i remember thinking that i wished i could have been like her when i was 19! she got mono one of the two semesters i taught her english, and i went over to her apartment to help her with stuff. once she came to my house for dinner, and we became friends outside of the classroom for awhile. as things go, we lost touch and i have wondered countless times over the years what became of her. this is not what i would have envisioned.

but it seems that before this random act of violence, she was happily married and owned a store in carytown that i had frequented, but never saw her at. she apparently was a good mom and wife, and well liked by all that knew her. she married a musician, something that doesn't surprise me as she had a fondness for them when i knew her! her girls looked a lot like her. she turned out to be a good mother and wife and friend. there isn't much more you can ask for in your life.

years ago i wrote a poem about kathy, one called "nineteen - and all that that implies" and it was just little descriptions about her, things that alone weren't stunning, but all things that contributed to making her so impressionable. the last stanza of the poem describes my standing on a sidewalk one of the last times i saw her, and watching her ride away on her bike into the spring sunshine, her hair flying over her shoulder. you couldn't help but be captivated by her, and part of the attraction was that she was so naive about herself and the affect she had on people. that innocence was something that you would wish for in yourself. and remarkably, at least then, she had no clue. no clue about anything related to her writing ability or her affect on those around her. no clue much about guys, and she was pretty gullible! i remember shaking my head a lot at some of the things she told me and wanting to protect her from these men who would break her heart. she was that kind of kid, the kind you envy, but want to protect.

when i saw her last, she was waitressing at the old texas-wisconsin border cafe and she looked almost waiflike and way too thin. she said she was living with some guy and had been for awhile. years. i remember thinking that life should have treated her better than that, and that she should have been doing something else and having more stability. apparently, her future husband, bryan, came often to the restaurant to see her, and that is where they met. he must have rescued her it seems!

just a few weeks ago i rode past her old apartment on floyd avenue on my way home from ellwood thompson's grocery, and i wondered about her. at the craft and design show in november, i once again thought about her. kathy had a wonderful pair of earrings, shaped like chinese fans. i have always remembered those earrings, and for the past 20 years, i have looked for a pair like them, but never once found anything even close. it has been a quest for the perfect earrings, but they, like kathy, were unique, and special in their time. apparently, neither can be imitated or replaced.

15 random acts of kindness...a way to be a light every day

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/182/story_18252_1.html
this is a nice article about 15 things we can do that are so simple, but can be so profound.

A Most Important Article

this week i have been teaching from an article that i read on christmas day from the front page of the local newspaper.http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/24/AR2005122400701.html in the article it stated that the literacy rates for adults have dropped, and the education gurus are stumped. they can't understand how college graduates can get a degree, but can't seem to follow an instruction manual or read basic prose and understand it.

as a teacher, i am starting to believe that this may be the single most important thing i have taught so far this year. when i read that the head of education statistics stated that he and others had no explanations as to why, i was angry. why isn't the reason obvious to these people? it is because all they do is collect numbers?

quantitative data rules the world. numbers win, learning loses. why? because we manipulate the numbers in education to fit what we see as the vision of literacy. however, those doing the number crunching, and those making the big decisions about the directions of the public school systems AREN'T IN THE CLASSROOM. what kind of business is successful when the people selling the "product" have no clue about it?

higher level thinking skills cannot be quantitatively measured any longer. why? because the way the public schools are set up now is to teach to the test. the skills needed to pass the test are mostly memorization. there is very little real learning occurring now, as students remember enough to pass the test, but don't really know what they learned or, better yet, how to apply it in the real world. students memorize things they don't think is necessary, and because they don't understand the connection to the real world, they reject it. there is very little joy in learning. what is worse, is that a student may have graduated from a school, and the "numbers" (G.P.A. or pass/fail of classes) supported it. however, the same student may lack the ability to think on her own because she doesn't know how to. sadly, in the public school system the student sits in a classroom waiting for an answer. she then memorizes it, regurgitates the info back on a test, and gets a grade, a NUMBER. and then we teachers move on to the next thing to memorize. there is no engagement with the subject, no application to the real world. but the numbers say the student is proficient. but is she?

how to fix this? my students and i are addressing, through journal writing and group discussions of the journal writings, problems in LEARNING and possible solutions that might motivate us all to do the hard work. i told them that their classes are the "vehicles" that are getting them down the road to graduation. they may like a cadillac over a volkswagen(one class over another), but it doesn't matter which one they take as long as they are learning. the teachers provide the "gas" in the car, and we can put in the cheaper stuff (memorization) or spend the money(time) and put in the high test (higher level thinking skills). but the problem is that we are expected to "arrive" at our destination on a schedule, and everyone is supposed to arrive. the school system is spending a lot of time dragging cars to the end of this road, and some of them simply shouldn't be getting there. but success is measured by the number of cars that get to the end of this road. it seems to be unimportant if these cars really deserved to have gotten there. if they are all there, the school system can say it did its job and those in the "ivory tower" of the school board office spend a lot of time trotting out their statistics to prove that the students have learned something. and because the "numbers" prove success, we keep on going down the road doing the same thing, which is turning out mediocre students who don't know how to think for themselves or are able to apply what skills they have to practical, everyday situations.

so what is the answer?

several things to consider: first, go back to the 7 period day when students see the teacher everyday for 50 minutes, vs. every other day (block schedule) for 90 minutes. teenagers and most young people have an attention span of about 50-60 minutes. the rest, as far as retention is concerned, can be a waste. we already know (ask the students) that the one everyday class they have is the one they are doing the best in. every other day block scheduling was introduced 10-15 years ago because parents wanted their kids to be able to take more electives. hmmm.

secondly, we need to reassess testing and what is happening as a result of the type of testing we do. The Standards of Learning test issued by virginia is a memorization, dit/dot test that in many areas isn't even centered around the curriculum offered in that grade. there has to be a way that the classroom teacher can reintroduce higher level learning skills back into the classroom via class discussion, creative projects, etc. as it currently is, very little of that happens in the classroom due to time constraints. there isn't enough time to be able to do this as well as cover the materials that students must memorize to pass the S.O.L. test. and this is where we as teachers fail. we have to give in to "get the numbers" from our students. our performance ratings are tied to the pass rates of our students.

teachers need to be more active in the decision making process that determines the direction of the public school. we are the ones in the trenches, who are doing the actual teaching. we know what students need much better than the people up in the "ivory towers." as is, this strange business is one in which the three levels (classroom, administration and school board office/board) have absolutely no connection. one does not move from one level to the next. the jobs are different. teaching is teaching. but administration is business management and the school board office is politics. the politicos dictate policy and spend a lot of time studying statistics and what the current college wave of education theory is. but theory is just that, and often just isn't practical in a real world situation.

parents have to become less "numbers" oriented and more concerned about learning. however, society does NOT play into that. as parents, we are influenced by a number of things. one, is we want our kids to go to college, and we expect the "numbers" i.e. grades to be high enough to feed that goal. we will fight tooth and nail over numbers and grades, and will go to any length to make sure our kids have them. to assure this, parents will argue with teachers, defend their children's poor choices concerning their own educations, and sadly send out the message that they will intervene on behalf of their child over ANY matter, educational or otherwise. students no longer feel they will have to work too hard or even defend their own choices. their parents are the ever present net below their high wire act, and they CAN NEVER FALL

how do we learn in life? by failing. if you rob a child the opportunity to fail, you rob them of the ability to make good choices further on in their lives. learning isn't just between the pages of a book. it is in life. the public school system is the perfect arena for teaching this lesson. but we have become a place where the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and we operate in the vacuum of worry over lawsuits. if a parent complains, we listen, and listen, and listen...and eventually, the disgruntled parent will get what he/she wants, regardless if it is the right thing for their child or not. education has become the politics of appeasing everyone. but in doing so, we water down the basic concepts concerning the value of education. we teach our children that there is a way around everything if you complain enough, and this is what they learn.

my goal with this homework assignment is to gather the information/ideas of my students and somehow present it back to those who might consider it and make a change that isn't rooted in making sure everything looks good. an apple can have no blemishes on the outside, but once bitten into, can prove to be sour, unappetitizing. in that case, the consumer will toss the apple. we need as a community to work at making sure that the apple isn't just a pretty illusion, that it has substance and "nutritional value." the choices are the same as choosing between a microwave dinner or a home cooked, nutritionally balanced meal. and sadly, in today's society, we generally go for the nuked food because we don't want to take the time to cook up what is really valuable and pleasing.

january is for....?

january is for...
1) learning to use my new ipod. i like walking around with a soundtrack to life!
2) trying to get my body back into some sort of shape after a bloating christmas. i have been to the gym the last 3 days in a row and done the stairmaster thing. this is also good because my sunday ny times magazine exactly fits on the machine and i get a lot of reading done while working my 30 minutes.
3) addressing my levels of stress and my subsequent addictions and how they relate to each other. no doubt that fighting with bebo right now over child support and custody issues is making me have tons of self doubt. what do i resort to? food.
4) looking for snow. i have a mental snow day in my head and even though we just went back to school, i would like a snow day because i want to be in that hunker down mode. omar will be returning to school tomorrow.
5) eating a little better and a lot less. green things, less carbs, and less of anything that makes me get blocked and throw up.
6) seriously looking at my finances (or lack thereof) and coming up with a reasonable budget
7) looking at stuff i don't want to look at, like my checking account, like calling legal aid and going to the county and talking to someone about my custody and child support options. it means stopping talking to everyone about my frustration over this situation. it means sticking up for myself and not constantly doubting my choices about this situation. it means not feeling guilty because i am going up against bebo when i have avoided confrontation at all costs over the last 3 years. it means making some decisions that i don't want to make and to stop finding 6,000 ways to avoid dealing with them.
8) reading books instead of my newspapers. it means i have to stop thinking because i paid for the ny times to be delivered here, that i have to read every single word in it. talk about OCD...
9) looking at doing more socializing/volunteering via church. maybe finally i will go to the thursday night practices for the church band...i think music would be good for me.
10) january is for austin it seems...basketball, basketball, and trying to get him on track with his grades. it is for being productive when most everything is dead and boring.
11) reading all of my seed catalogs and coming up with what will be phase 3 of the five year yard plan. i enjoy "supposing" about what i am going to do.
12) doing some serious housework and some serious cleaning out of stuff i don't need, but just gather like layers of clothing, for "protection" and feeling good. clothes? books? furniture?