probably the biggest challenge as a parent is making divisions between the roles of parents and the obligations we have to ourselves as individuals. separating the two is hard, and often results in a split persona, parent or person.
i have never been a good liar or a good faker. emotions are all over me like hair, and you can't miss them. trying to hide them is almost always a failed exercise, so over the years i just have stopped trying. it hasn't won me any battles, but at last i can just be free to be myself. i guess. which means, basically, that i have been a person and a parent, and the line has been blurred, often with disasterous results. i have never been able to adapt to the individual roles, and now i will pay for it.
Where i am now? Who am i now? it's said that no matter how you try to rectify the mistakes of your parents, you will duplicate them or, better yet, invent new traumas for your own children. obviously, i bought into some of that, trying to be more affectionate, to be honest, to not hide anything from austin, all things i longed for from a parent. i wanted a relationship with him. i have one. but my honesty has apparently backfired on me, and i don't have a clear solution or many choices in trying to correct the error.
i have been going to see sue fuller for a number of months, and i think for the first time in my life, i am actually making progress towards living my life with a little less baggage. the confrontation that i had with my mother this summer was quite the freeing experience. not that i haven't gone back to some old habits with her, but i am surely a little less afraid and apprehensive about dealing with her. she doesn't have the power over me that she once had. i have forgiven her for doing what she did. i have never believed that the sources of her anger towards me were intentional, just like my sins and mistakes with austin were not intentional. but it makes for a terrible pattern of behavior in terms of how i look at the people i care for and what i expect from them in the form of proving that they really do care about me.
always, always, always i have sought approval and validation from my mother that i was lovable and a good person. she is incapable of doing that in the manner that i deemed to be normal...hugs, attention towards you that isn't negative. an awful pattern it has been. i have expanded the horizon for validation to include all of the people who are close to me, if anyone is.
what i have realized is that there is never enough to convince me that someone really cares about me. i have put up a wall and even if someone does do things for me out of kindness or caring, i don't fully accept the acts as legitimate. i don't feel that i am worthy of caring for. and i am suspicious of any gestures, as they could be found to be merely gestures and baseless in their sincerity.
i poured a lifetime of love into austin, and now i am standing quite alone, haven driven him away i guess by my poverty of spirit. i know that he hates my imperfections, especially my health issues. he feels guilty and he feels heavy with the burden of being the one person i now look to for validation of love. on the outside, the scenario is pretty bleak. one on one time with him is awkward and i don't know how to talk to him or even approach him. his attitude now is one of picking, again, as he did last spring, trying to use anger as a way to distance himself from me. sue seems to think that his automatic response to me is one of guilt and then anger. he doesn't want to have to see me like i am, nor does he want to help me when i need help. he knows, because i have told him so, that i don't have anyone else in my life. i never thought that caring for someone would be a burden and that you would eventually learn to hate seeing them because they remind you of what you don't want to do or be.
obviously, my first response to understanding this was to talk to him. but about what? why don't you like being around me? well, now i know. so what to do?
i have to continue with life as i have been living it since he went to college, which is being wholly independent of him and his demands and learn to function without his emotional input. independence now means doing things by myself, including the hard physical things that i have needed him to help me with. it is confusing and saddening when i have to beg for help and he is mean about it. it seems by all logic that if someone you care about needs help, you help them because you love them. in the perfect world, i guess this would count. but i dont' live in that neighborhood anymore, and i haven't for a long time. austin has changed his address in a lot of ways, and this is one of them. this isn't home to him anymore and he is more comfortable at his dad's house. there are no emotional demands from his there i guess. what i ask him to do is hard for me, but just annoying for him. there doesn't seem to be any common ground anymore between the two of us, even baseball. i understand where he is. but that doesn't make me any less sad.
sue says that i have to learn to believe that he really does love me, which will require me to reexamine the parameters of how a person shows this to me in a way that i would believe. right now, trying to do nice things for him or be pleasant isn't enough. he just rejects it and it just makes me mad and more rejected. so i have to learn to make myself happy and not think about how he hurts me.
certainly i need to find pleasure in my own day to day life and explore the possibilities of how to make myself feel whole and valid, and not just by the things that others do or give to me. christmas has always been one of the few times when i look for the validation (other being birthday) and i have most often been devalued if it is based on effort towards doing something especially for me. every christmas holiday presents its own issues and problems. this year's is my gearing up for rejection for a month from austin. what i have to do is concentrate on making the time happy for me, and the hopefully, happy for him. he is going to do whatever he wants to do, and i know i am a postscript with the mind set he has now.
i have freed him from the two christmas obligations that we had, which are trimming the tree and putting up the outside lights. these are things that i enjoy, even without him, so i will do them in the spirit of happiness...for me.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
the day austin left home for college...8/21/10
Today i sent my only child off to his new life, and i turned a corner and began anew as well. each day i get a daily OM message in my email. this is the one for today, and as usual, it was appropriate for where i am in my life, in particular on this day.
i had worried that i would go into a total tailspin about this huge change. truly, it is likely the most impacting one on me since i too left to go to college. the summer of my graduation from high school i felt like i had jumped off a cliff in june and had to wait until september to see where i would land. i didn't exactly land unscathed, but i landed and it was a life changing experience.
getting married, having austin, getting a divorce, going back to college. all of these were life mile markers, but it seems to me that i have fulfilled what i was sent to do here, which is to teach austin and to usher him to where he needs to go. as i walked away today, i was actually kind of happy and felt pretty good about it all. i feel like i have fulfilled the mission in a good way. he is a good kid, and i am proud of him and feel confident that his future will be good and he will handle things. i can't say it will be smooth, but i think he has the right stuff to be a good man. i think i helped make that happen, and that was one of the missions of this lifetime.
langston hughes' poem 'MOTHER TO SON" is one of my favorite poems, and i teach it each year. everytime i revisit it, i think about one section in which the narrator states that she has been "reachin' landings, turning corners, and goin' in the dark where there ain't been no light..." that is what i feel like right now. keep climbin'...
i am not sure what the last part of my life will be like. my disease is progressing and getting worse. in actuality, i have been in decline since the botched surgery 4 years ago. this spring, it ramped up and i have had to revisit it and look the goat in the ass as my sainted father would say. i have had to change my approach to managing pain, sleep, diet, and as a result, i am hoping the quality of my life will improve and i will be able to enjoy despite dealing with this crappy body everyday. but i have been lucky to have been able to do what i have done for the last 14 years with this, and i am grateful that i was able to do what i did. i didn't always do it well, but i think seeing austin off today showed me that despite the setbacks and difficulties, i DID raise a good kid, and i think i have raised him to my satisfaction.
where my life goes from here...who knows? there is still potential for new things, interesting things, fun things, despite the uncooperative body! i can do things in a different way, and figuring out how to live my life on a daily basis for ME is going to be a challenge. i have devoted the last 18 years to austin, and i think i have put him first in all cases. now i am almost exactly where i was when i was just a young person out of school...alone with cats and poor! :) but i guess wealth can't be measured just by cats and checking accounts. today i count myself as being a wealthy person.
August 20, 2010
Living life without a net can be just what we need to step outside of ourselves and make the choices we need most.As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there. If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us. We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly. When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way.
i had worried that i would go into a total tailspin about this huge change. truly, it is likely the most impacting one on me since i too left to go to college. the summer of my graduation from high school i felt like i had jumped off a cliff in june and had to wait until september to see where i would land. i didn't exactly land unscathed, but i landed and it was a life changing experience.
getting married, having austin, getting a divorce, going back to college. all of these were life mile markers, but it seems to me that i have fulfilled what i was sent to do here, which is to teach austin and to usher him to where he needs to go. as i walked away today, i was actually kind of happy and felt pretty good about it all. i feel like i have fulfilled the mission in a good way. he is a good kid, and i am proud of him and feel confident that his future will be good and he will handle things. i can't say it will be smooth, but i think he has the right stuff to be a good man. i think i helped make that happen, and that was one of the missions of this lifetime.
langston hughes' poem 'MOTHER TO SON" is one of my favorite poems, and i teach it each year. everytime i revisit it, i think about one section in which the narrator states that she has been "reachin' landings, turning corners, and goin' in the dark where there ain't been no light..." that is what i feel like right now. keep climbin'...
i am not sure what the last part of my life will be like. my disease is progressing and getting worse. in actuality, i have been in decline since the botched surgery 4 years ago. this spring, it ramped up and i have had to revisit it and look the goat in the ass as my sainted father would say. i have had to change my approach to managing pain, sleep, diet, and as a result, i am hoping the quality of my life will improve and i will be able to enjoy despite dealing with this crappy body everyday. but i have been lucky to have been able to do what i have done for the last 14 years with this, and i am grateful that i was able to do what i did. i didn't always do it well, but i think seeing austin off today showed me that despite the setbacks and difficulties, i DID raise a good kid, and i think i have raised him to my satisfaction.
where my life goes from here...who knows? there is still potential for new things, interesting things, fun things, despite the uncooperative body! i can do things in a different way, and figuring out how to live my life on a daily basis for ME is going to be a challenge. i have devoted the last 18 years to austin, and i think i have put him first in all cases. now i am almost exactly where i was when i was just a young person out of school...alone with cats and poor! :) but i guess wealth can't be measured just by cats and checking accounts. today i count myself as being a wealthy person.
August 20, 2010
Without a Net
Living Life with Trust
Living life without a net can be just what we need to step outside of ourselves and make the choices we need most.As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there. If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us. We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly. When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
up down up down
up early and on to the hearing aid test. have slight/moderate hearing loss in left ear and have an appt. in july to discuss a hearing aid. i am not vain about having one. i am tired of not being able to hear people and asking them over and over again to repeat themselves. the damage is in the cochlea in the inner ear.
put the boston butt on the smoker before i went to the appt., came back and then out again at 12:30 to see sue fuller. i had a good session, although i was very agitated before i got there. dave hacker called and hadn't heard from austin about playing baseball this weekend at the beach. so we went round and round about getting him to leave early, had finally gotten it all worked out over the course of the day...and then austin got a phone call from karl kuhn stating that he was not to play any baseball this summer. so tonight, after a topsy turvy day of going back and forth over getting him to leave, we now have another upside down situation...no baseball, no tourneys anymore, no atlanta, no charleston. kuhn wants him doing yoga and weight lifting and getting himself and his arm in shape. no ifs, ands, or buts...
gregg has been sick all week, so dinner was postponed. i took half of the bbq and cooked it down using mamama's recipe. tomorrow i will do the rest of it using the gus red recipe. i went to the store today and got the stuff to make cole slaw using the KFC recipe. i was sort of relieved that i didn't have to rush to get the house cleaned or food made. the arguing and angst over the phone gave me a headache, so i ended up taking some tylenol and a nap.
the temps here today were upwards of 103 and with the heat index, even higher. i tried to sit out on the deck under the umbrella and read some of a magazine, but i only lasted about 15/20 minutes. i didn't get anything done off the honey do list today, and i wish i had. sort of feel like i have wasted the day. but my back is bothering me and i have a lot of overall pain and felt sort of listless today. i did clean up the pile of mess in the SF room, but beyond that, nothing significant. i watched a new show tonight called BOSTON MED which is a documentary show about 3 hospitals in boston.
the check engine light went off of the car today...so i am hoping that it was a fluke and there are no problems. i have an 8:15 appt. with the chiro in the morning and i hope to come home and do some things around the house. need to water the plants early. it looked like we were going to have a thunderstorm, but it passed us by with very little rain. we need the rain. haven't had any in well over 10 days...
austin called me back early this evening and he was drunk. he didn't sound drunk, but he told me he was. it was a very weird experience and i am not sure how to react to any of it. he told me that someone had shotgunned him with pot on monday. i was totally disgusted with this and he was remorseful, but swore that he would not be doing anything like this when he got home. he said it was the one time in his life that he would be able to hang out with his friends and party and be wild. i hope that it will be over when he comes back. i still worry. i didn't really worry all that much this week, but there have been stressful moments off and on. haven't talked to him much, only when i had to.
put the boston butt on the smoker before i went to the appt., came back and then out again at 12:30 to see sue fuller. i had a good session, although i was very agitated before i got there. dave hacker called and hadn't heard from austin about playing baseball this weekend at the beach. so we went round and round about getting him to leave early, had finally gotten it all worked out over the course of the day...and then austin got a phone call from karl kuhn stating that he was not to play any baseball this summer. so tonight, after a topsy turvy day of going back and forth over getting him to leave, we now have another upside down situation...no baseball, no tourneys anymore, no atlanta, no charleston. kuhn wants him doing yoga and weight lifting and getting himself and his arm in shape. no ifs, ands, or buts...
gregg has been sick all week, so dinner was postponed. i took half of the bbq and cooked it down using mamama's recipe. tomorrow i will do the rest of it using the gus red recipe. i went to the store today and got the stuff to make cole slaw using the KFC recipe. i was sort of relieved that i didn't have to rush to get the house cleaned or food made. the arguing and angst over the phone gave me a headache, so i ended up taking some tylenol and a nap.
the temps here today were upwards of 103 and with the heat index, even higher. i tried to sit out on the deck under the umbrella and read some of a magazine, but i only lasted about 15/20 minutes. i didn't get anything done off the honey do list today, and i wish i had. sort of feel like i have wasted the day. but my back is bothering me and i have a lot of overall pain and felt sort of listless today. i did clean up the pile of mess in the SF room, but beyond that, nothing significant. i watched a new show tonight called BOSTON MED which is a documentary show about 3 hospitals in boston.
the check engine light went off of the car today...so i am hoping that it was a fluke and there are no problems. i have an 8:15 appt. with the chiro in the morning and i hope to come home and do some things around the house. need to water the plants early. it looked like we were going to have a thunderstorm, but it passed us by with very little rain. we need the rain. haven't had any in well over 10 days...
austin called me back early this evening and he was drunk. he didn't sound drunk, but he told me he was. it was a very weird experience and i am not sure how to react to any of it. he told me that someone had shotgunned him with pot on monday. i was totally disgusted with this and he was remorseful, but swore that he would not be doing anything like this when he got home. he said it was the one time in his life that he would be able to hang out with his friends and party and be wild. i hope that it will be over when he comes back. i still worry. i didn't really worry all that much this week, but there have been stressful moments off and on. haven't talked to him much, only when i had to.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
deconstruction-construction-deconstruction
the first week of vacation is always a bit sketchy as i adjust to not having to be somewhere at a certain time or be on a schedule. i can't just drop the life like some of my compadres...i have to transition...which means the honey do list and then frantically doing things to occupy every free moment of my time. it is sort of sick i guess to be that way, but in a way it's good as i do a lot of things that i think about doing the rest of the year.
two trips to home desperado yesterday and i still didn't have the pieces/parts right to make the conversion from 1/2" tubing to l" tubing on the waterfall/pond. there wasn't enough water coming out of the tube, and before i bought another pump, phil t. said change the tubing...and after i did all of the deconstruction and reconstruction of couplers, etc., i probably should have just bought another pump! i used up 20' of one inch tubing, and discovered that the bigger the tubing is, the harder it is to manage. a lot of cussing and straining as i stomped around in the pond stirring up debris and hoping i didn't get bitten by something. in any case, i can report that the switch worked. i can also report that i am not happy with the angle of the waterfall, so i will have to take it all down and start all over. more work, but if you are going to do this, do it the way you want, as it will end up being permanent.
so i have been deconstructing as well. the problem has been landing in one place and finishing what i started. right now there is a pile of debris on the floor next to the computer room, evidence of my not being able to find a bill i was looking for. the end result was going through that area and pitching things. however, i never got back around to picking up the trash. guess that will be part of tomorrow's scenario. and then i left the SF room area and headed to the kitchen to cook. the end result there was i spent about an hour sorting through the tupperware collection that has become so massive that i can't take anything in or out of there without something falling out. i rearranged, selected the stuff i like the best, and the deconstruction evidence is once again evident: all of the discards are in the middle of my kitchen along with my computer chair, a big bag of garbage that needs to go and more stuff on the table. lots of piles and little piles all around the kitchen and the SF room. now i have to organize them.
i cooked a chuck roast, potatoes, onions and carrots for meg and family and chili for colton. i also cooked beets and pickled them. i did a couple of loads of laundry and folded them, as well as folded austin's stuff. i didn't spend too much time with the tv, only watching a BURN NOTICE and a LAW AND ORDER:CRIMINAL INTENT. i talked on the phone to my brother for an hour and joanna todd little called and i talked to her for an extended amount of time as well. i never got around to re potting the plants, again. tomorrow maybe? i have some restrictions on that day. i have a hearing test at the ENT at 8:30 and an appt. with sue fuller at 12:30. i have to make bbq for gregg and family for dinner tomorrow night, and go to the store so i can get the things to make coleslaw. somewhere in there i will have to attend to these deconstruction piles.
i guess my OCD is kicking in seeing as i feel compelled to write down what i spent my day doing just to prove to myself i didn't waste it...
two trips to home desperado yesterday and i still didn't have the pieces/parts right to make the conversion from 1/2" tubing to l" tubing on the waterfall/pond. there wasn't enough water coming out of the tube, and before i bought another pump, phil t. said change the tubing...and after i did all of the deconstruction and reconstruction of couplers, etc., i probably should have just bought another pump! i used up 20' of one inch tubing, and discovered that the bigger the tubing is, the harder it is to manage. a lot of cussing and straining as i stomped around in the pond stirring up debris and hoping i didn't get bitten by something. in any case, i can report that the switch worked. i can also report that i am not happy with the angle of the waterfall, so i will have to take it all down and start all over. more work, but if you are going to do this, do it the way you want, as it will end up being permanent.
so i have been deconstructing as well. the problem has been landing in one place and finishing what i started. right now there is a pile of debris on the floor next to the computer room, evidence of my not being able to find a bill i was looking for. the end result was going through that area and pitching things. however, i never got back around to picking up the trash. guess that will be part of tomorrow's scenario. and then i left the SF room area and headed to the kitchen to cook. the end result there was i spent about an hour sorting through the tupperware collection that has become so massive that i can't take anything in or out of there without something falling out. i rearranged, selected the stuff i like the best, and the deconstruction evidence is once again evident: all of the discards are in the middle of my kitchen along with my computer chair, a big bag of garbage that needs to go and more stuff on the table. lots of piles and little piles all around the kitchen and the SF room. now i have to organize them.
i cooked a chuck roast, potatoes, onions and carrots for meg and family and chili for colton. i also cooked beets and pickled them. i did a couple of loads of laundry and folded them, as well as folded austin's stuff. i didn't spend too much time with the tv, only watching a BURN NOTICE and a LAW AND ORDER:CRIMINAL INTENT. i talked on the phone to my brother for an hour and joanna todd little called and i talked to her for an extended amount of time as well. i never got around to re potting the plants, again. tomorrow maybe? i have some restrictions on that day. i have a hearing test at the ENT at 8:30 and an appt. with sue fuller at 12:30. i have to make bbq for gregg and family for dinner tomorrow night, and go to the store so i can get the things to make coleslaw. somewhere in there i will have to attend to these deconstruction piles.
i guess my OCD is kicking in seeing as i feel compelled to write down what i spent my day doing just to prove to myself i didn't waste it...
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
how i spent my tuesday
i have this need to keep moving and make sure that i am not wasting my time. yes, an OCD type of problem, but one not unfamiliar after 23 years of teaching. the first week off is always a bit weird. while i haven't wasted my days, i am having problems relaxing. seems like i should be doing something always.
so what did i do today to make myself seem productive? i took a short bath this morning; i got on the internet and did a lot of stuff like deleting things from my email, researching the driver's ed endorsement at j sarge and calling the SBO to find out if they would pay for it. bottom line: i missed the course chance. it is only offered in the summer and it started monday. guess i will have to wait another year. i cleaned up my room a lot, and unloaded the summer clothes out of the suitcase and put them away. i folded clean clothes, switched clothes around in the closet, which also took time. i also put in a load of laundry to wash. i forgot to eat until after lunch time.
it is miserably hot and humid, too much to do anything outside, so i stayed inside and did things until about 4pm. i went to home depot and bought plastic couplers to try and switch over the tubing on the waterfall. i know i am going to have to tear all of that apart and start again, which is ok. i took library books back to the library and then went to the produce stand and then to the bank to deposit checks in my savings account. i replaced the hose in the back and got rid of the broken hose house that i had tried to repair yesterday. it didn't work, so i disconnected the hose and hooked it directly into the faucet. after watching a couple of law and orders and part of BURN NOTICE, i went back out and tried to fix the tubing, but discovered i needed some couplers to hook the 3/8" nozzle on the heron spitter to the 3/4" tubing from the pump. i got into the pond and checked the filter and realized that it was going to need a coupler as well. i decided to try and make 2 waterfall water sources on the rock since it is pretty wide and i have the rocks. i am not sure that will fly or not, but it might be worth a try. i spent a lot of time in the home depot trying to figure out if i could get things to work. i finally asked for help and the guy there put together a coupler to go from the 3/8" nozzle to the 3/4" tubing. by the time i got home, it was too dark to do anything more than water the plants, both front and back. i came back in and ate some boiled potatoes and cukes and watched some more tv. tonight i watched DEADLIEST CATCH, the one i had been dreading when phil harris has his stroke. i watched AFTER THE CATCH and that was a bit more upbeat.
i did talk to austin, after having listened to lindsey talk and text about his being drunk. it was very bothersome, as i am disappointed in how he appears to be handling himself. i do worry, way too much. today i also went on line and looked at pictures of david s. who was engaged to mary beth's daughter, amy. he died 2 weeks ago, and they found him in the mississippi river in new orleans. i haven't heard how his addiction played into his death, but it seems that it probably did. i haven't had a chance to talk to MB about it, but it just made me think again about how these addictions can change the course of your life. to have austin go from nothing to everything in such a short time is disturbing and does test my faith a lot. but i have to hope that i have raised him right and that he will ultimately do the right thing and learn to moderate his consumption of alcohol.
so what did i do today to make myself seem productive? i took a short bath this morning; i got on the internet and did a lot of stuff like deleting things from my email, researching the driver's ed endorsement at j sarge and calling the SBO to find out if they would pay for it. bottom line: i missed the course chance. it is only offered in the summer and it started monday. guess i will have to wait another year. i cleaned up my room a lot, and unloaded the summer clothes out of the suitcase and put them away. i folded clean clothes, switched clothes around in the closet, which also took time. i also put in a load of laundry to wash. i forgot to eat until after lunch time.
it is miserably hot and humid, too much to do anything outside, so i stayed inside and did things until about 4pm. i went to home depot and bought plastic couplers to try and switch over the tubing on the waterfall. i know i am going to have to tear all of that apart and start again, which is ok. i took library books back to the library and then went to the produce stand and then to the bank to deposit checks in my savings account. i replaced the hose in the back and got rid of the broken hose house that i had tried to repair yesterday. it didn't work, so i disconnected the hose and hooked it directly into the faucet. after watching a couple of law and orders and part of BURN NOTICE, i went back out and tried to fix the tubing, but discovered i needed some couplers to hook the 3/8" nozzle on the heron spitter to the 3/4" tubing from the pump. i got into the pond and checked the filter and realized that it was going to need a coupler as well. i decided to try and make 2 waterfall water sources on the rock since it is pretty wide and i have the rocks. i am not sure that will fly or not, but it might be worth a try. i spent a lot of time in the home depot trying to figure out if i could get things to work. i finally asked for help and the guy there put together a coupler to go from the 3/8" nozzle to the 3/4" tubing. by the time i got home, it was too dark to do anything more than water the plants, both front and back. i came back in and ate some boiled potatoes and cukes and watched some more tv. tonight i watched DEADLIEST CATCH, the one i had been dreading when phil harris has his stroke. i watched AFTER THE CATCH and that was a bit more upbeat.
i did talk to austin, after having listened to lindsey talk and text about his being drunk. it was very bothersome, as i am disappointed in how he appears to be handling himself. i do worry, way too much. today i also went on line and looked at pictures of david s. who was engaged to mary beth's daughter, amy. he died 2 weeks ago, and they found him in the mississippi river in new orleans. i haven't heard how his addiction played into his death, but it seems that it probably did. i haven't had a chance to talk to MB about it, but it just made me think again about how these addictions can change the course of your life. to have austin go from nothing to everything in such a short time is disturbing and does test my faith a lot. but i have to hope that i have raised him right and that he will ultimately do the right thing and learn to moderate his consumption of alcohol.
summer honey-do list for myself
i haven't written on a long time and it is summer now, school is out, austin is graduated and going to UVA in the fall to play baseball and develop a life.
big change in my life, lots of it. i have stopped fighting it for the most part. the last year hasn't been smooth or easy, lots of transitions, lots of odds and ends.
i will write about what has been as best i can as i see time to do it, and will.
each summer i draw up a list for myself of things to do in the summer time. the things range in necessity and need, but for me it just keeps me focused. this summer the major thing to do is my yard and house stuff. i have a waterfall under construction right now and flower beds to make and complete.
Yard stuff: build the waterfall; mortar waterfall; put rocks around the edge; hook up the heron spitter; plant trees(3 japanese maples, 2 yellow maples); put down gravel; till the yard and build the beds by the fence; till the front hill and put down a ground cover; plant the grasses in the beds by the fence; build the smokey cooker patio; fix the outside backyard beds; build little fountains with the trip rocks; clean out under the deck; clean out under the porch; pressure wash the deck; pressure wash the front porch; stain the deck; clean off the deck; take stuff to the dump; go up to amelia and get more rocks;
in the house: clean the refrigerator; paint counter top in the bathroom; clean downstairs bathroom tub out; slip covers for the couches in the living room; put the doorknob back on my closet; reorganize the jewelry area;
personal stuff to do: reorganize my recipes and file them; reorganzie my yard/house ideas file; play my bass and guitar some; read the summer reading books; go to the gym at least 3 times a week; continue to eat healthy; get up before 8:30 each day; write in the blog; consider working on the children's books; work on the 12th grade curriculum; go to see the flying squirrels play; go to see the Nats play in d.c.; go to the horse races; clean up the computer room; get austin's room under some sort of control; clean out my room; hang pictures in the house;
big change in my life, lots of it. i have stopped fighting it for the most part. the last year hasn't been smooth or easy, lots of transitions, lots of odds and ends.
i will write about what has been as best i can as i see time to do it, and will.
each summer i draw up a list for myself of things to do in the summer time. the things range in necessity and need, but for me it just keeps me focused. this summer the major thing to do is my yard and house stuff. i have a waterfall under construction right now and flower beds to make and complete.
Yard stuff: build the waterfall; mortar waterfall; put rocks around the edge; hook up the heron spitter; plant trees(3 japanese maples, 2 yellow maples); put down gravel; till the yard and build the beds by the fence; till the front hill and put down a ground cover; plant the grasses in the beds by the fence; build the smokey cooker patio; fix the outside backyard beds; build little fountains with the trip rocks; clean out under the deck; clean out under the porch; pressure wash the deck; pressure wash the front porch; stain the deck; clean off the deck; take stuff to the dump; go up to amelia and get more rocks;
in the house: clean the refrigerator; paint counter top in the bathroom; clean downstairs bathroom tub out; slip covers for the couches in the living room; put the doorknob back on my closet; reorganize the jewelry area;
personal stuff to do: reorganize my recipes and file them; reorganzie my yard/house ideas file; play my bass and guitar some; read the summer reading books; go to the gym at least 3 times a week; continue to eat healthy; get up before 8:30 each day; write in the blog; consider working on the children's books; work on the 12th grade curriculum; go to see the flying squirrels play; go to see the Nats play in d.c.; go to the horse races; clean up the computer room; get austin's room under some sort of control; clean out my room; hang pictures in the house;
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