i had worried that i would go into a total tailspin about this huge change. truly, it is likely the most impacting one on me since i too left to go to college. the summer of my graduation from high school i felt like i had jumped off a cliff in june and had to wait until september to see where i would land. i didn't exactly land unscathed, but i landed and it was a life changing experience.
getting married, having austin, getting a divorce, going back to college. all of these were life mile markers, but it seems to me that i have fulfilled what i was sent to do here, which is to teach austin and to usher him to where he needs to go. as i walked away today, i was actually kind of happy and felt pretty good about it all. i feel like i have fulfilled the mission in a good way. he is a good kid, and i am proud of him and feel confident that his future will be good and he will handle things. i can't say it will be smooth, but i think he has the right stuff to be a good man. i think i helped make that happen, and that was one of the missions of this lifetime.
langston hughes' poem 'MOTHER TO SON" is one of my favorite poems, and i teach it each year. everytime i revisit it, i think about one section in which the narrator states that she has been "reachin' landings, turning corners, and goin' in the dark where there ain't been no light..." that is what i feel like right now. keep climbin'...
i am not sure what the last part of my life will be like. my disease is progressing and getting worse. in actuality, i have been in decline since the botched surgery 4 years ago. this spring, it ramped up and i have had to revisit it and look the goat in the ass as my sainted father would say. i have had to change my approach to managing pain, sleep, diet, and as a result, i am hoping the quality of my life will improve and i will be able to enjoy despite dealing with this crappy body everyday. but i have been lucky to have been able to do what i have done for the last 14 years with this, and i am grateful that i was able to do what i did. i didn't always do it well, but i think seeing austin off today showed me that despite the setbacks and difficulties, i DID raise a good kid, and i think i have raised him to my satisfaction.
where my life goes from here...who knows? there is still potential for new things, interesting things, fun things, despite the uncooperative body! i can do things in a different way, and figuring out how to live my life on a daily basis for ME is going to be a challenge. i have devoted the last 18 years to austin, and i think i have put him first in all cases. now i am almost exactly where i was when i was just a young person out of school...alone with cats and poor! :) but i guess wealth can't be measured just by cats and checking accounts. today i count myself as being a wealthy person.
August 20, 2010
Without a Net
Living Life with Trust
Living life without a net can be just what we need to step outside of ourselves and make the choices we need most.As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there. If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us. We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly. When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way.
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