somedays, i really get tired of feeling like the local freak of nature. what does that mean? i am tired of having to make apologies or excuses for me being me.
why can't i just ignore people?
at this stage of my life i have to come to grips with a couple of things about myself, and basically, the problem is that i am tired of trying to figure out what ellen i am supposed to be. no question, i spent the first half of my life being angry. i wanted to be a certain way and be accepted. it didn't happen.
the majority of people in the world thrive in an environment where everyone is basically the same. it is safe because you don't feel like someone is better than you. so we as humans work really hard to keep everything the same and everyone within a certain boundary. i watch kids all the time take out other kids because they see different as some sort of threat. we all do it, even me. but i am more likely to be the victim than the attacker because i know how that feels.
i am the round peg in the square hole. or i am the square peg in the round hole. in any case, i don't fit right. and i am tired of trying to decide which way to be.
i just never have been like everyone else. i don't see the world the same way, i don't participate in things the same way. i just don't do it right. part of me is glad, but part of me is not. i am now tired of having to make the constant decisions about whether or not to be "acceptable" to everyone. that means job, friends, family, everything.
austin is constantly calling me "the hermit" and he is right. the more i get out there, the more i prefer my cats. they adore me! :) they don't care about my hair, how fast i talk, if i talk too much, if i think too much, if i am fat, if i wear makeup, what kinds of clothes i wear or whether or not i am too over the top. all they care about is a clean litter box, fresh food and water and for me to be around so they can sit on me or near me. they love me unconditionally. why can't people be like that?
sadly, i think the problem is not really people now, it is me. i am not sure what i would do if someone acted like i was the sun, the moon, and the stars, even though in my mind i think i want that. but at this point i have fed myself a diet of "i am not worthy" to the point where i think i totally believe it. when i am away from the maddening crowds, i can be more in touch with myself and not so squashed. but i never can seem to "get away" enough to find that feeling and make it stick.
tonight i have not turned on the tv in an attempt to have quiet time to myself and not create a distraction from my thoughts. so i have spent the evening fixing/upgrading the address book in my newest computer (transferring from xp to vista...what fun). i have been listening to public radio (jazz for 2 hours and now classical) and have read several chapters in one of the summer reading books i have to slog through (GIFTED HANDS by ben carson, non-fiction). my brother called around dinner time and we talked for about 2 hours and i did vent about my feelings. i know that i am way too honest, and i guess comes from the belief in me that if i don't say what i feel, i am being dishonest. not everyone finds that refreshing. so i have to work better at my people skills, even at the ripe old age of almost 52. however, at this point it just pisses me off that i have to do that, which makes the matters worse. i am tired of the effort to make people happy by giving them the ellen they want. i just want to be me, period. and to do that, i guess means i won't have many friends or contacts.
the last many years i have been in the non-confrontational mode with most people. as a younger person, i would fight and argue all the time. then i got tired of it and now i run from any type of confrontation as if my ass were on fire. however, when i run, i build resentment and then i just explode...somewhere, i need to find the middle ground. i wish i could learn to ignore things...
well, i have vented to myself here. the nice thing about blogs is that no one knows about mine and i have this nice little corner of cyberspace to vent in...
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