for the last 24 hours i have not had the television on and have been pretty much alone and silent in my house. it is just me and the girls.
the phone has not rung except once from my brother last night and my father today. i have tried to talk to austin, but he has been rude and mad. he said he is going to stay at his dad's next week. i alternate between trying to bring him home and letting him stay there. it is better for me that he is away anyway. if he were here, i would not be in my hermit, silent mode.
i got up early today and stayed awake. i have been relatively productive, doing a lot of reading of the paper, old local magazines from santa fe that i hadn't had a chance to read, some steinbeck stuff from a biography that i had checked out. i made lentils and rice, tomatoes/cukes, boiled cabbage, gazpacho. i cut up the green peppers that were left from the produce stand and froze them. i cleaned the counters 10000 times...i scratched a lot of cat heads and rubbed a lot of backs...
i went to sleep last night listening to public radio, aaron copeland's "appalachian spring" and i turned it on when i got up this morning and it has stayed on all day. i have heard the sounds of swing, riverwalk jazz, world music, NPR, a local talk show about autism, the best of the rivanna sessions of A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION, page wilson's downhome mongrel music show, and now mountain home stage. i haven't really been consciously listening...it has been comforting background for my thoughts and mood. listening to radio vs. putting in a cd makes me feel somehow connected to the world, and it also is something i can't control as far as what i hear. everything is a surprise and new, and something about that appeals to me.
i didn't go anywhere except out on my deck to eat half of a BLT and watch the sun go down.
i sat out there by myself for probably an hour just listening to the sounds, which i realized i could not identify. what kind of insect is that? it isn't crickets or katydids. it was actually cool out there, enough so that i went in and got a green zippered sweatshirt that doris gave me the last xmas before she died. i picked it deliberately because it reminded me of her. why do i still get sad and cry when i think about her? i guess it is because, despite the differences in our personalities, she was one of the few who seemed genuinely happy to see me and took the time to buy things for me that she had given some thought to. i could drop in on her anytime and she was glad to see me.
while i was looking up at the sky, i noticed a single, dim star and it reminded me of the godolphin fantasy of when i was a child. i saw a falling star and i saw a satellite, two things that you rarely see here. i was asking a higher power to help me get myself centered. i haven't been in such a long time, and i am as twisted up as my back. i want to feel connected to something bigger, and i know it is there, but i think i myself have put up the barriers myself somehow. i am disconnected from my creative juices. i am no longer doing pottery, and i have dropped the jewelry making as well. i have done a piss poor job of making my fountains, gardening, or landscaping. i just don't seem to have the energy to put into any of these things that normally make me feel good about myself. why is that? is it the fibro? is it menopause? or is it just me running from me?
boy, i am soooo flawed. but that is ok. i have always been different. i just have to find a way to accept who i am and do what is best to make me a good, agreeable person. that usually comes from being with people who are positive. however, i don't have much contact with people anymore, and most of my friends are married, have other interests and lives, and i am certainly not a priority.
despite what i have written, i am feeling a bit better. i am sort of the onion right now, and know i won't get it all peeled this weekend. i have to have the right circumstances to do that, and that doesn't happen much...and i can never sustain them anyway. but it is ok to think about it and try...
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