some observations...

just a few thoughts...

• why can't politicians just concentrate upon what a candidate is going to do vs. having to slog the other candidate? what would happen if we ran an election where a candidate refused to engage in the word assassination? that is the reason i have no interest in the conventions. how many more times am i going to hear about john mccain not knowing how many houses his wife owns? i don't like mccain, but why is this important?
• going to a concert sure has changed...a lot. back in the 60's and 70's, what did you do for an encore besides cheering? you stood on your chair and lit your bic lighter (which you had because you smoked cigarettes during or before the concert, or you were smoking wacky tobaccy). today, no fire in the concert hall. so instead we have a new light...thousands of...CELL PHONES! only in america...
• and speaking of concerts, my bud, mary beth, made the astute comment that back in the day we weren't drinking beer at concerts. therefore, there was no need to keep stepping over everyone so you could go to the bathroom or buy more beer. as she put it, back in the day you just smoked some dope or drank some LIQUOR and that eliminated the need to have to take a leak and disrupt everyone. and no one passes the beer communally!
• how can it be that the measure of a person's life could come down to the last few months of a troubled life, enough so that administrators might discourage the establishment of a scholarship in that person's name? shocking that people who call themselves christians could be so callous as to NOT attend that faithful employee's funeral or accept the offer of scholarship money for graduating seniors in that employees name. i am trying hard not to stay angry...
• it takes a long, long time to get comfortable with silence. in my case, days. i have gone for 6 days with no tv other than a short view of the weather channel and the sox/yankees game in the background as i worked on the computer last night. for an adhd type like myself, it really is best to have silence and alone time.
• school and coffee go together. i am back on the columbian dark bean wagon since going back to work this week.
• is there something wrong with a woman who doesn't like babies? if so, i am a freak of nature in yet another catagory...
• online classes? i will find out if that works as well as being in a classroom, as i am headed off into that area of cyberspace in three weeks. i have been a fan of the book, no question, but i am now reading an online book. i am not sure i like that.
• why can't i find a hard copy of the san francisco chronicle sunday on the east coast? surely there are dislocated san franciscans who get it somewhere!
• having a creative outlet is something that i really need to pursue. i don't think i have been myself since i abandoned my pottery classes 2 years ago. i am thinking i will go back this fall and go back to my jewelry. i keep saying that, but after these days of silence where i can think a little more, i am seeing the need to engage in something for myself, and not for my child.
• i am thankful for the things i have.

a day of unpeeling...

for the last 24 hours i have not had the television on and have been pretty much alone and silent in my house. it is just me and the girls.

the phone has not rung except once from my brother last night and my father today. i have tried to talk to austin, but he has been rude and mad. he said he is going to stay at his dad's next week. i alternate between trying to bring him home and letting him stay there. it is better for me that he is away anyway. if he were here, i would not be in my hermit, silent mode.

i got up early today and stayed awake. i have been relatively productive, doing a lot of reading of the paper, old local magazines from santa fe that i hadn't had a chance to read, some steinbeck stuff from a biography that i had checked out. i made lentils and rice, tomatoes/cukes, boiled cabbage, gazpacho. i cut up the green peppers that were left from the produce stand and froze them. i cleaned the counters 10000 times...i scratched a lot of cat heads and rubbed a lot of backs...

i went to sleep last night listening to public radio, aaron copeland's "appalachian spring" and i turned it on when i got up this morning and it has stayed on all day. i have heard the sounds of swing, riverwalk jazz, world music, NPR, a local talk show about autism, the best of the rivanna sessions of A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION, page wilson's downhome mongrel music show, and now mountain home stage. i haven't really been consciously listening...it has been comforting background for my thoughts and mood. listening to radio vs. putting in a cd makes me feel somehow connected to the world, and it also is something i can't control as far as what i hear. everything is a surprise and new, and something about that appeals to me.

i didn't go anywhere except out on my deck to eat half of a BLT and watch the sun go down.

i sat out there by myself for probably an hour just listening to the sounds, which i realized i could not identify. what kind of insect is that? it isn't crickets or katydids. it was actually cool out there, enough so that i went in and got a green zippered sweatshirt that doris gave me the last xmas before she died. i picked it deliberately because it reminded me of her. why do i still get sad and cry when i think about her? i guess it is because, despite the differences in our personalities, she was one of the few who seemed genuinely happy to see me and took the time to buy things for me that she had given some thought to. i could drop in on her anytime and she was glad to see me.

while i was looking up at the sky, i noticed a single, dim star and it reminded me of the godolphin fantasy of when i was a child. i saw a falling star and i saw a satellite, two things that you rarely see here. i was asking a higher power to help me get myself centered. i haven't been in such a long time, and i am as twisted up as my back. i want to feel connected to something bigger, and i know it is there, but i think i myself have put up the barriers myself somehow. i am disconnected from my creative juices. i am no longer doing pottery, and i have dropped the jewelry making as well. i have done a piss poor job of making my fountains, gardening, or landscaping. i just don't seem to have the energy to put into any of these things that normally make me feel good about myself. why is that? is it the fibro? is it menopause? or is it just me running from me?

boy, i am soooo flawed. but that is ok. i have always been different. i just have to find a way to accept who i am and do what is best to make me a good, agreeable person. that usually comes from being with people who are positive. however, i don't have much contact with people anymore, and most of my friends are married, have other interests and lives, and i am certainly not a priority.

despite what i have written, i am feeling a bit better. i am sort of the onion right now, and know i won't get it all peeled this weekend. i have to have the right circumstances to do that, and that doesn't happen much...and i can never sustain them anyway. but it is ok to think about it and try...

unwinding...and the crystal moments

do people actually remember moments in their lives in which they were completely relaxed? i do. they are so few and far between that apparently they burned a video in my brain and i can touch them whenever i want to. however, creating new moments to add to that list has been very, very hard for me to do.

so here is my list:
1) lying in bed in the summer with the window open when we lived in virginia beach on consul avenue. i was looking into the city at the red blinking lights on a distant radio antennae, watching it blink off and on and i was relaxed and felt safe

2) lying in bed, again looking out the window, and finding a distant star, which i knew was a planet. i guess i was about the same age, maybe 4th or 5th grade, same house, same bedroom. i named the planet/star godolphin, after the godolphin arabian horse in marguerite henry's horse book KING OF THE WIND. i spent a few night populating godolphin. who got to go and live there besides me? my stuffed animals. characters from books i had read. me. i don't recall taking any humans that i knew with me.

3) sitting at the edge of a quay in sandbridge the summer of my junior year in college and looking at a huge full moon rising over the ocean. i was never able to find that location again down there, even though is was an unusual place. it wouldn't have been the same anyway without the full moon bright over the water.

4) riding down jefferson davis highway 25 years ago, leaving church's fried chicken one saturday afternoon with rose in her corvette. marvin gaye was singing "to busy thinking 'bout my baby" on the radio and it was spring and cool, but not too cool to not have the windows open and the t-tops out. it was just a moment and i think i said something about it outloud.

5) being drunk, sitting in the water at the end of chesapeake beach by the amphib base fence that separated the base from the rest of the world. it was sunset, i had a 6 pack, and i was alone watching the lights come up on the bay bridge. i didn't want to leave, and i was sitting on the rocks with the beer in the water. i was alone. i did stumble back to the beach house, but as soon as i got with people, the feeling left.

6) in the hot springs 2 summers ago in pagosa springs with chuck, linda and pam. the three of us were on the ledge where the water was falling into the river and we were all holding hands and doing reiki. it was almost dark and i think we were connected like that for almost 30 minutes.

7) same trip two years ago: leaving cortez, colorado and headed towards four corners. we came down from the mountains into the buttes and it was stunningly gorgeous and very spiritual. we took a turn and drove a straight 2 lane road to the four corners and the light was playing in just a right way to make you think that god was there somewhere. we had a nicholas gunn cd in and whenever i hear it, i think of that place.

8) new mexico, again: the jicarillo apache reservation and the trip across the mountain to nevada lake. again, something was there.

9) one spring night in tim revere's apartment on monument avenue. he had earl klugh's "heartstring" album on and "spanish nights" was playing. the window was open, it was an old victorian apartment with hardwood floors and the smell of the gas pilot light wafting through occasionally. the curtains were white and billowing slightly from the window as the breeze came in. i never forgot that moment and bought the album so that when i heard that song, i would relax. it still works. tim wasn't in the room then.

10) brief moments in the spring when i could hear the peeper frogs from the window of our bedroom at melissa paige circle. peeper frogs make me happy.

and there are the moments in my life, most of them by myself i think. interesting.

if only i could create some more of them, i think i would be happier. but i don't know how one does that. they just happen...

my next vacation...a week in SF

it never hurts to have a fantasy, and it is even more fun to do the research on it, which is what i have been doing for the last couple of hours.

my cross country trip was the last of the great road trips and i am glad i went. when i was sitting out on my deck this evening chilling, i got to thinking about which places i had been that i would want to return to to just hang out, and san francisco is #1 on that list, followed by seattle and albuquerque. other places i would like to return to include sedona and other parts of arizona such as phoenix.

what i see in my head is sitting on a balcony outside of a house in san francisco. i don't want to go to a hotel. i want to rent an apartment for a week. i want to use the public transportation, explore some neighborhoods, cook when i want to, visit some museums like the palace of fine arts or take in a giants game. i want to go to parks, walk along the marina and bike ride too. i could take the muni to north beach and finally get into city lights bookstore and walk through washington square. i would find a jazz place, maybe even the hungry i if it is still open and doing jazz. i would get into the alleys in chinatown, not just grant avenue, and maybe go to one of the places that sells tea.

why go to SF? because no matter how many times i go there, i am relaxed and feel good. there is a vibe there that i can connect to. same for new mexico, especially in albuquerque.

so, can i afford that? yes, i can. i went online and found a site where people have houses for rent for the week or apartments or condos. i can get one for a week for $1000 or less. this is about what you would spend, or less, to rent a house at the beach. airfare and a car would be extra expenses, but i think i could do that vacation for $1500 or more. i could save up for it, squirrel the money away. it would be something to look forward to. i might even go by myself, although i can't picture myself doing that in reality, although in my daydreams i am alone. the only reason i wouldn't do it is because it would be a bit scary by myself. if i lived there, that would be something different. maybe pam will want to do that.

next summer will be seattle at shelley and bart's house if all goes as planned. that is the same thing for me, comfortable, in a house and you can come and go at will, walk, visit parks, go kayaking, drink coffee, admire the flowers and take off for parts known and unknown.

i do like to travel now, but not like i have been doing for the last 2 years. call those two trips life changing, but in essence, they were research for me. i now have picked out some places i want to return to. there are still 5 states left on the list to visit: maine and new hampshire, arkansas and oklahoma, and north dakota. i think i will try and get the north dakota done via a stop on an airline. pam wants to go to texas, so we could incorporate a trip to texas with oklahoma and arkansas somehow. i will wait until i can go in the fall to go to maine and new hampshire. i guess i have grown up on the concept of the beautiful new england falls that i can't imagine visiting up there without it being that time of the year.

always the freak of nature...

somedays, i really get tired of feeling like the local freak of nature. what does that mean?

i am tired of having to make apologies or excuses for me being me.

why can't i just ignore people?

at this stage of my life i have to come to grips with a couple of things about myself, and basically, the problem is that i am tired of trying to figure out what ellen i am supposed to be. no question, i spent the first half of my life being angry. i wanted to be a certain way and be accepted. it didn't happen.

the majority of people in the world thrive in an environment where everyone is basically the same. it is safe because you don't feel like someone is better than you. so we as humans work really hard to keep everything the same and everyone within a certain boundary. i watch kids all the time take out other kids because they see different as some sort of threat. we all do it, even me. but i am more likely to be the victim than the attacker because i know how that feels.

i am the round peg in the square hole. or i am the square peg in the round hole. in any case, i don't fit right. and i am tired of trying to decide which way to be.

i just never have been like everyone else. i don't see the world the same way, i don't participate in things the same way. i just don't do it right. part of me is glad, but part of me is not. i am now tired of having to make the constant decisions about whether or not to be "acceptable" to everyone. that means job, friends, family, everything.

austin is constantly calling me "the hermit" and he is right. the more i get out there, the more i prefer my cats. they adore me! :) they don't care about my hair, how fast i talk, if i talk too much, if i think too much, if i am fat, if i wear makeup, what kinds of clothes i wear or whether or not i am too over the top. all they care about is a clean litter box, fresh food and water and for me to be around so they can sit on me or near me. they love me unconditionally. why can't people be like that?

sadly, i think the problem is not really people now, it is me. i am not sure what i would do if someone acted like i was the sun, the moon, and the stars, even though in my mind i think i want that. but at this point i have fed myself a diet of "i am not worthy" to the point where i think i totally believe it. when i am away from the maddening crowds, i can be more in touch with myself and not so squashed. but i never can seem to "get away" enough to find that feeling and make it stick.

tonight i have not turned on the tv in an attempt to have quiet time to myself and not create a distraction from my thoughts. so i have spent the evening fixing/upgrading the address book in my newest computer (transferring from xp to vista...what fun). i have been listening to public radio (jazz for 2 hours and now classical) and have read several chapters in one of the summer reading books i have to slog through (GIFTED HANDS by ben carson, non-fiction). my brother called around dinner time and we talked for about 2 hours and i did vent about my feelings. i know that i am way too honest, and i guess comes from the belief in me that if i don't say what i feel, i am being dishonest. not everyone finds that refreshing. so i have to work better at my people skills, even at the ripe old age of almost 52. however, at this point it just pisses me off that i have to do that, which makes the matters worse. i am tired of the effort to make people happy by giving them the ellen they want. i just want to be me, period. and to do that, i guess means i won't have many friends or contacts.

the last many years i have been in the non-confrontational mode with most people. as a younger person, i would fight and argue all the time. then i got tired of it and now i run from any type of confrontation as if my ass were on fire. however, when i run, i build resentment and then i just explode...somewhere, i need to find the middle ground. i wish i could learn to ignore things...

well, i have vented to myself here. the nice thing about blogs is that no one knows about mine and i have this nice little corner of cyberspace to vent in...

some changes, some updates

getting out of a funk is not often easy, and i haven't been all that successful over the course of the last week. it would be nice to be heading back to school all relaxed and not stressed out, but that just isn't the case, although it seems to be getting better.

sometimes what you need is something new. for me today, it was getting a new piercing in my left ear and having my hair corn-rowed. pretty radical day.

i pierce for a reason, and this one was for the completion of my last great road trip. i had thought i might do it on the last part of the trip this summer, maybe hollywood. but i was so disgusted with L. A. that i didn't want any reminder of that place. my twisted back is enough reminder...

so today, on a whim, i went to river city body piercing in the VCC mall...the first shock was having a piercing place in the mall, and apparently, they aren't suffering for business. i got a different earring from the ones i have previously had, and this one didn't go in easily, but i got it.

then on another whim, i stepped into the styling salon in the wal-mart in mechanicsville and asked the girl there to half row my hair. she did. i paid $29 for it and promptly took it out when i got home. it was horrible and i am hoping no one saw me as i slunk to my car and into my house. obviously, at least what she did, doesn't work right now. but i still need a hair change, and tomorrow i might go out and who knows what i will end up looking like.

i have managed to get my finances finally in order today, having gotten the deposit from the house refinance. i paid two of the three bills online tonight, and the third i will do tomorrow after i find out how to do it. i also mailed off austin's recruiting letters and took the transcript release form to school. dropped off 3 posters to be laminated and checked out a bunch of summer reading books, one of which i started tonight. i discovered i had read 2 of the 4 that i checked out, so that is good. i am halfway through one tonight and hopefully will get it done in the next 24 hours. i stepped into my classroom and got a look at what i would have to do when i got there, and i think going to school a few times this week will work in my favor when i go in on monday.

progress is being made. i am sort of looking forward to the fall...cooler weather, some baseball, maybe going back to pottery for the first time in a couple of years. i am still a bit stressed, worrying about finances, but the worst part is that i shouldn't feel this way, but i just never can trust the numbers. i think i am going to change the way i am doing my finances by doing online billing via the bank and not with the direct deductions that i have right now. verizon, who have wacked me twice incorrectly, will be the first to go. the others don't change each month, so i will probably keep those, but i may have to rearrange billing dates on them, as my mortgage at the first of the month is likely going to unbalance the finances for the month by wiping out a huge chunk of one of my monthly checks.

i am coming around, i think, and i am eating better and have a little more energy. tomorrow i go and have my teeth cleaned and maybe, finally, i will get around to getting my room straightened and clothes and things put up. we are supposed to go to duck, nc on friday, and i am still sort of tentative about that. it will really come down to how i feel friday morning...

the last great roadtrip...

well, i did survive the last great roadtrip, and i have a brain chock full of memories. i wrote all of this stuff down in my trip diary, but so far, i have not converted it over to the REB blog i intend to keep. i have to do that before 8/26 so that i can show it to the REB awards committee as part of my conditions of acceptance of the award.

so here are a few highlights:

• stopped for speeding by a very mellow chinese cop in san francisco after austin said "hey, you just blew by a cop" on geary blvd. i had been following the cop, and then the speed limit apparently dropped 10 mph. he was cool, though, typical SF kinda person. before he got to the car, he knew it was a rental and i was a tourista...so he let me go, no lecture, no nothing other than have a great stay in SF. just another reason to go there and stay, period!
• were in yosemite when the mariposa fire was going on. made for a strange and interesting encounter. the electricity was out in the valley due to the fire, and the smoke was evident. however, there weren't many people there, traffic was light, and we still got to see awesome views.
• las vegas - were there when l.a. had their quake, but we didn't feel the after shocks.
• grand canyon in 53 degree, wind blowing-thuderstorming weather. who knew that there is a MONSOON SEASON at the grand canyon?
• saugaro cactii as you are going into phoenix!
• chino-bandito! #1 eating fun on the trip
• biking across the golden gate bridge and into sausalito! something i had always wanted to do! done that now! have the t-shirt to prove it!
• clam chowder and sour dough bread at cliff house...our first stop from the airport on the trip!
• austin drives down lombard street in san fran! (he also did a fair amount of driving on the trip up until we got to san diego and i took over the rest).
• continuation of the bubba gumps shrimp company restaurant marathon. this time we ate in the one at fisherman's wharf in san fran as well as the one in monterey! went to the one in santa monica for a magnet, but they didn't have one specific to that one. now have been to the bubba gumps in the following locations: mall of america (tshirt), nyc, santa monica, san francicso, charleston, monterey, chicago. wouldn't even go back, but the food is consistently good!
• sleeping in the wigwam motel in holbrook, az!
• ellen buys tshirts everywhere: madrid at the mine shaft tavern, bubba gumps in sf, a kliban cats in hippie outfits in sausalito, a chino bandito tshirt in chandler, az, an "i biked the golden gate bridge" shirt from bay city bikes in sf.
• dry creek turquoise ring was bought in alburquerque and i bought a crazy horse turquoise pendant in pagosa springs from the same place i got my ring 2 years ago. unfortunately, i could not find another ring anywhere with wild horse turquoise.
• doing 100 mph in nevada about 5 times because you don't realize how fast you are going! austin joined the 100 mph balls to the wall club in canyonlands national park!
• sitting on the virgin river in zion national park with my feet in the water
• sitting on a bench at marina green in san fran watching the fog roll in and the sun set over the golden gate bridge. fog horns were going as well
• going to winslow, az to "standing on a corner" and having pictures taken there to honor the eagles tune "take it easy"
• garlic fries at the san francisco giants game and the wonderful, devoted fans there!
• austin's visit with the baseball coaches at UNLV
• air conditioned chase field in phoenix! what a great facility!
• trying to find cheap tequila in yuma, az...who thought it would be difficult finding a liquor store? aren't they on every corner everywhere? not in yuma...but we did find one and yes, the tequila was cheap!
• the hot springs, again, in pagosa springs, colorado
• the blue diamond almond factory in modesto! pam and i got samples of all sorts of almond flavors not available in the east. we bought up a bunch, and then rebought again los angeles to take home! jalapeno smokehouse and wasabi/soy were the best...and then i got home and found them in our walmart...go figure...
• fish tacos...everywhere...and the winner of the best is...farragos in pagosa springs, where i had the very first one 2 years ago! second place: del taco
• west coast fast food places: austin loved jack in the box, and we also ate twice at in-and-out burger (sf and la) and various del tacos for the fish tacos!
• seeing triest (my former english student) and ross (her new husband) in madrid and alburquerque! they fed us a home cooked meal, and it was so relaxing and wonderful!~
• killing another digital camera...it slid off my lap directly into austin's open cup of tea while we were in the canyonlands national park. result: no flash, and a hunt over arizona at the best buys for a new camera. none like the one i had, so i got a nikon coolpix, which austin hated, and it was replaced when we got home with another kodak easyshare. i got smart this time, however. i took out the 2 year warranty plan...
• miles of produce in the salinas valley...lettuce and grapes as far as the eye could see!
• olives and garlic at garlic world in gilroy, california, garlic capital of the world!
• almond cookies from anna's bakery in chinatown in SF. i have gotten them there the last night of every trip i have been on to SF, and they are worth it!
• sedona and its vortexes. i didn't feel the power there, but it had potential...austin locked us out of the car at one of them. sigh...
• over 1000 pictures and lots of videos taken during the trip
• xm radio! it was in the last of three cars we had on the trip
• the toyota corolla we drove for most of the trip. what a beast! great gas mileage (33/34 mph on average) despite the brutal terrain we put it through as well as the speeds at places! it also protected us from...
• the car accident in los angeles. rear-ended and the car held up unbelieveable considering the smash! the other car, a 1999 mercedes, was in pieces parts all over venice blvd as well as the parking lot next to the accident and required a tow. i drove away with a few nicks and cuts in the bumper
• los angeles, may it fall into the sea. the worst driving i have ever seen in my life, and i have driven in houston, nyc, chicago, atlanta, d.c., seattle, san francisco, you name it, i have driven it, and nothing, NOTHING, compares to the total automobile anarchy of los angeles. first, the 101 and the 5 are constantly, 24/7 bumper to bumper. secondly, motorcycles vroom down between the lanes at insane speeds, weaving in and out of traffic NOT IN THE LANES. people pass on in the right lane, and even when the right lane is for PARKING. there is no such thing as a turn signal there. people just cut in and don't care how close they come to clipping you. there are no left hand turn lanes with signals. there are no HOV lanes in l.a. and the maps are inaccurate. no one there can give directions because either they don't drive or have just come to sodom/gomorrah west. there is no mass transit system, so you can't get on a BART or subway or even find a decent bus. everyone speeds and the POLICE DO NOT COME TO ACCIDENTS UNLESS YOU NEED AN AMBULANCE. i found this out the hard way when i called after our accident. now i know why people do what they do...there are no consequences. our accident was caused by a guy who was cutting in, no turn signal, from the right lane and stopped halfway out into my lane. after i had been smashed in by miguel, the guy who caused the accident smiled and took off...i think i understand now why people who live there are crazy...it is a really false reality...

when the REB blog is completed, i will let people know if you want to read it.