sailing on an even keel into the holidays

this year my christmas foxhole seems to be a little more civilized and i am wearing it like a pair of flannel pjs. it is not wool and itchy. it is smooth and baggy. i get lost in it sometimes, but for the most part it is right now ok.

so what was that all about?

normally, i feel like a soldier on guard in the middle of the night, alone and on alert. i am looking for all possible ways to be invaded and attacked. when things are quiet, i never allow myself to think about anything other than the immediate mission: to stay prepared for the blow. it will come. it is just a matter of time, and a matter of out thinking the enemy.

i guess that is one helluva way to consider your supposed happy holidays and the players in that xmas play, the family. but it is what it is. despite my attempts to rid myself of xmas hopes, i am always somehow disappointed. the best i could ask for would be to approach the holidays from the standpoint of no expectations. that works for me, but it doesn't work for my mother, who invents the mythical family xmas in her head each year. i spend a lot of time trying to make that come true, but i can't control the actions of others. the dry run of this behavior was thanksgiving, where she got upset over something pretty simple dealing with the food. you could just look at the facial expression and then the pout. i recognized the switch very quickly, and then attempted to change the subject and divert. the problem here is that it wasn't anything that i said...and there is the rub. i can't control what austin or uncle jack or daddy said or did. but the effect is the same. she has an attitude switch, and then the awkwardness begins.

this year, she headed out on the same path of we will do this, we will do that. what i hate about it is that it is all so orchestrated and FAKE, or at least seems fake to me. all this stuff about family and being together basically makes my skin crawl. if that were true, there would not be the incidents, the ugly words, the silences, the criticism, the underlying tension. as a family, i think we are quite fractured. i can't stay in that environment for an extended period of time, so i come home and go to the davis' xmas dinner and then return. too much togetherness makes me insane, especially when i don't want to be in that situation. it is several days of being on foxhole alert, knowing that the invasion is imminent.

so right now i am trying to enjoy simple pleasures. i have been writing about them on facebook. things that are small and make me happy. i am trying to circle around those, utilize them, take small moments of pleasure and use them to bolster my resolve to get through the holidays. this year i have let go of a lot of things, mostly the desire to get everything right for my mother. i realize now i just can't do it. the first thing on the list of problems has been with lindsey coming down to the beach during this time. austin had envisioned her coming down there for several days. my mother has an attitude both about lindsey and about lindsey being an outsider invading the xmas expectations/vision that she has. the vision is NOT inclusive. the only players allowed in the play are the ones she wants, and she has all of the roles picked out. lindsey is an unknown, and a stress in my mother's mind, for last year we had amy and despite the fact that i thought things went ok, it stressed out my mother because she felt responsible for amy's happiness and spent too much time (in her opinion) watching amy and feeling responsible for her happiness. this was not a good thing for mom, because she only wanted to concentrate on making her vision come true. amy, while quiet and unobtrusive (in my opinion), was a huge distraction apparently to my mother. she mentioned having to work to talk to her and then amy having a stomach issue. the irony is that i didn't see it that way, but the lesson for me is that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS TRUE OR JUSTIFIED. it is what my mother walked away with, and subsequently it colored her vision of what she wanted this year.

the problem just continues with me. each year i try to anticipate what she wants, and that in turn causes me to be totally stressed out. i just can't anticipate it. i should just let it go, but i can't and in a way, that makes me just as bad as my mother. i, too, have a vision...which is NO vision. i would just like to have things fall where they may. i don't have to have everyone participate, although it is hard not to do that. i just like it to be quiet, sort of. and i guess i have to admit that i look at xmas as the time to see if i am valued. if it is based upon presents and things like that, i am ranking pretty low. apparently, the perception is that this is no big deal. it just goes to show you how each person approaches xmas with a different type of expectation. i have to say that for many years i appreciated the gifts that doris gave me. she was the only one, in my opinion, who took the time to think about what i would want, or to find something that she thought i would be interested in. that was because she paid attention when i wasn't paying attention. i don't truthfully have anyone now that i know is paying any attention to me or what i like or want. consequently, i end up feeling a lot un-special. this is the heart of my xmas dreariness. with doris gone, no husband, and a male child who is like his father, that eliminates that. plus, add in my mother, who last year declared they would not being gifts, and there you have it...the ultimate visual that the parents don't have a clue that this might be important to me. my mother pretty much has never given much thought to me or my feelings. for the most part, i embarrass her because i do have emotions. but she has spent my lifetime pretty much making me pay for that ability.

into the fray enters lindsey, who is the opposite of amy and a whole different set of issues. mom immediately said no overnight with lindsey. just to show you how different we are, i didn't remember any of the things that stuck in my mother's mind about amy's visit last year, not the least of it being that i didn't remember she spent the night. my mother did. so when they were up here last week for austin's basketball game against hanover, my mother immediately started with there will be no interlopers in the xmas vision this year. i told her that austin had thought he was going to bring lindsey down for at least overnight, and mom said now. she actually pouted, even with the facial expressions and vocals and lower lip stuck out. i told her i would handle it, no small feat. mom seems to think lindsey or me are the source of problems that austin has, especially lindsey. so naturally, lindsey would be the target in the xmas pageant. so i told austin she was only down for the day. he wasn't getting it, which i guess is fortunate, in that i didn't want him to know that she doesn't really like lindsey (while all the while saying she does, but she doesn't.) i am not sure if she would like anyone...which is one reason i kept my friends from her. she is quick with the critical, nasty comment out of left field. she can hone in on things that you never saw, and she is not forgiving, nor is she forgetting.
in any case, i told her i had handled it all...i would bring lindsey for the day. but then she started obsessing over the break in the plans and began with the "her coming has spoiled everything" overture/unspoken thing. i was somewhat exasperated, because i got it down to her coming for a day, but mom wasn't having it. nothing was going easily in this case, so i just said she would have to make a switch. have the boys make the lasagna on tuesday and serve it for lunch on wednesday. she couldn't get off the spoiling it thing (her vision of what the boys, who could give a shit, would be doing...they must do their traditional shopping, make the lasagna, and whatever my sainted brother was planning). i spoke with my dad, finally, at the end of the conversation and told him he needed to get her in a place where compromise was a virtue. he didn't say much, but he knows what i am talking about. he certainly lives with it and has for over 50 years. in any case, a few hours later she called, repentant of sorts, to say she had changed her mind. unfortunately, for me, a stressful moment: austin was sitting next to me at the pad thai place for lunch, and had just been chortling about how he would wear down the grandmother so she would let lindsey come down. he grabbed the phone out of my hand, and that actually was what she was calling to tell me. she had had a change of heart. i wonder what my father said or did, if anything, but in any case she has been a bit sheepish about the retraction, but she did retract the dictum, so lindsey is now going overnight. i have told my mother i would handle lindsey and she would not have to be stuck with her or entertain her by herself (this happened recently when austin took lindsey to the beach to visit them.)

of course, this now puts the problem of lindsey on me, which means i am going to have to brief her before the battle, and at least ATTEMPT to get her to tone down her act. austin will also need to do that, and of course, the stress now gets to extend to another generation. i am once again thankful that i have the davis dinner to escape to. i have used it the last several years to give me a break from family togetherness.

at this point, at least i know what my role is going to be in the family fractured fairytale. my hope is that nothing else crops up that i will have to manage. i am not feeling like i want to manage anything, as exhibited by my complete lack of interest in doing anything for xmas that smacks of organization. i got my lights up outside courtesy of the kids. i have played my xmas music. i got a tree and put it up and it has lights on it, but so far no decorations. i will get to those when i get motivated. today i am hoping to do a dry run on the ravioli i want to make as xmas presents. i haven't put xmas stuff up in the house yet, but i will when i feel like it. i am enjoying things piecemeal, like my xmas socks and outfits. i haven't added anything this year, which is a good thing i think.

so, now i have written down the tentative script for this years play. let the festivities/rehearsals begin...

simple pleasures

i keep thinking of these things, and then i forget to write them down. so now i have decided to try and just list them here, and when i need one, i will know where to go to remind myself what i can do to make a happy moment.

wood smoke
the smell of pine and xmas things
the birds at the bird feeder
xmas cactii blooming
snipping fresh herbs from the plants
stroking olivia's fur
cat's up on the bed
a good cup of tea sitting on the deck in the morning
a good cup of coffee in a rainy, cold day
xm radio
the DECEMBER album by george winston
xmas music until it is no longer fun!
playing my guitar
sinking down into my bed and laying there
the feel of good carpeting on my feet
good bbq
good bbq ribs
someone rubbing my back and shoulders
someone rubbing my feet
cocoa butter on my feet
a bath with my special bath salt and smells
someone rubbing my head
the day that green grass shoots come up in spring
a full moon
PEEPER FROGS IN SPRING
sitting on my swing and listening to the waterfall
playing crazy 8's with bebo, nick, jean, rob, meg, mike and amy and laughing my ass off
watching happy old movies
40's swing music on xm\
the window opened a bit all year round
good incense
a lava lamp
looking at fish in a tank at night
good fried shrimp
a good hot dog
standing outside at night in the snow
A SNOW DAY!!!
my happy friday shoes
playing with the cats with the laser pointer
kittens
making a good piece of jewelry
seattle, san francisco, albuquerque/santa fe...not so simple, but so relaxing!
homemade macaroni and cheese
a hug

Daily OM-Choosing Not To Be a Target of Emotional Attacks

this does sort of hit the heart of what i have been blue about over the last few weeks. i had a huge breakdown a week ago after austin just attacked me out of the blue over my dropping the television. it was as if he just had to come upstairs and start something with me. it made me feel exactly the way this article says you will feel if you allow someone to get to you. unfortunately, i am just no good at protecting myself these days, although i have felt better since i had the big cry. austin has been a bit more docile, but there are still problems, and by his own admission, it appears he is depressed. i don't know what exactly it is about, but i have gotten him in to see my old therapist on friday. i did talk to her on the phone last night and she asked a lot of background questions. she did say that his problems may be more adhd related than depression related. in any case, i am doing all i can to get him what he needs to get back on his feet.

December 2, 2009
Choosing Not To Be a Target of Emotional Attacks
Hurtful confrontations often leave us feeling drained and confused. When someone attacks us emotionally, we may wonder what we did to rouse their anger, and we take their actions personally. We may ask ourselves what we could have done to compel them to behave or speak that way toward us. It’s important to remember that there are no real targets in an emotional attack and that it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their uncomfortable feelings away from themselves. When people are overcome by strong emotions, like hurt or anguish, they may see themselves as victims and lash out at others as a means of protection or to make themselves feel better. You may be able to shield yourself from an emotional attack by not taking the behavior personally. First, however, it is good to cultivate a state of detachment that can provide you with some protection from the person who is attacking you. This will allow you to feel compassion for this person and remember that their beha! vior isn’t as much about you as it is about their need to vent their emotions. If you have difficulty remaining unaffected by someone’s behavior, take a moment to breathe deeply and remind yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong, and you aren’t responsible for people’s feelings. If you can see that this person is indirectly expressing a need to you—whether they are reaching out for help or wanting to be heard—you may be able to diffuse the attack by getting them to talk about what is really bothering them. You cannot control other people’s emotions, but you can control your own. If you sense yourself responding to their negativity, try not to let yourself. Keep your heart open to them, and they may let go of their defensiveness and yield to your compassion and openness.

into the cat cave...

my frustration with the male species, especially the phylum YOUNG, continues to grow and prosper.

austin is still at this father's house, albeit on restrictions again, this time because he stayed up too late playing computer games. the result is no computers tonight. however, his father is completely unaware of the fact that he is supposed to give an oral report on friday in his dual enrollment english class on a book that he never got and has not read. his efforts to secure a copy of it were meager at best, resulting in my having to drive in the dark to the barnes & noble on libbie avenue to get the book.

i stopped by bebo's on my way home, as i had purchased a dozen warm krispy kreme donuts and had no one to share them with. i gave him the book, and the donuts, and in return i got a lecture from him on again letting austin fail. this time my crime was going over his college essays before he sent them off to UVA's baseball coach for review. in bebo's opinion, i am making austin out to be someone he isn't, and next year he will fail it anyway and they will find it out. he says that i am making no progress with austin's skills and i am just "dressing up the monkey and hiding his tail." in his grand opinion, i am wasting my time and shouldn't do it, period.

as usual, his view is negative and disappointing, something he is prone to and is the reason (in my opinion) why he is perpetually unsatisfied with life. he never offers a solution or anything positive as an alternative. his new campaign is "let austin fail" and so he can learn a lesson. as i told him, there is $60,000 tied up in this personal opinion of his, and i am not about to let austin throw it away because he needs to learn a lesson right now. he can learn a lesson when it costs me less.

it is really infuriating that bebo, who has done almost nothing at all to help get austin where he is, can be so pompous and believe that his opinion should have any weight anywhere. he has lived totally free of any daily or even weekly responsibilities for austin short of paying child support. he is the most difficult person to understand and reason with, as his ideas seem to come out of left field and have almost no basis in anything practical. his taking the phone away vs. computer games only shows how unattuned his is to what austin values. he is very quick to let me and austin both know that i haven't disciplined austin and had he been with bebo, he would have had rules, etc. bebo could have been a discipline asset had he had any reasonable idea about what would be the best way to punish austin. but his punishments have never fit the crime, and have been either totally ridiculous because they were too severe, or nonexistent because he didn't think anything should be done. on this subject we have never been on the same page, period.

there is some basis in his belief that austin should fail at something and take the consequences. but all of the areas he is balancing precariously in have huge consequences, mostly monetary, that directly affect me in more ways than just financial. sometimes i just think bebo would like austin to do badly just so that he could point to me and say i am the reason. had i let him fail at something, he would have learned his lesson, blah, blah, blah. there are ways to teach a lesson, but a life altering one such as not going to college doesn't seem to be a wise move. it is a stupid move, period. i think as a parent you have to step in sometimes and just do it. but consistently baling austin out all the time would be wrong as well, and i have tried hard to stay out of that realm. but it has become necessary for me to be involved with the academics this year because austin is not doing what he needs to do because he is in the senioritis phase. i recognize that, and i am monitoring it. all i want to do is monitor, not intervene. but intervene i will if he does not do what needs to be done. if i have to go and do something that should have been done by him, i will do that and there will be consequences. this time i think it will be that austin will take my car after school tomorrow and clean out the inside of it. he took my time, so i am going to take his.

i am in the land of disappointment right now, and it is not a strange land to me. however familiar it is, i still don't find being here any kind of comfort, and would really like to climb out of this valley and sit on the mountaintops. the view from there surely has to be better, more inspiring, than the shadows i fall in and out of in the flatlands.

medical update on me

lots of tests, lots of small issues. i am on new meds, higher dosages of the ones i have been on. i just had a colonoscopy yesterday and they removed 3 polyps. i have passed two small kidney stones and a lot of gravel in the last 2 weeks. i was in a huge fibro loop for about 2 months that finally has gotten somewhat manageable. i had the h1n1 flu in september which turned into walking pneumonia. it was discovered that my heart was enlarged, so i had an echocardiogram and the end result was that my high blood pressure has done a bit of damage. new bp meds, and the bp is down. my thyroid and cholesterol are down and i have lost some weight. i have had ongoing issues with choking, swallowing, getting stuck, so they did an upper g.i. and small intestine series last wednesday. don't have the results back on that yet, and won't have biopsy results on the colon until next week. they didn't seem to think anything was bad in there, so i will go with that.

meg got me reading a book called POTATOES, NOT PROZAC and it is about sugar addiction. i read it and saw myself all over it. i am doing the first step, which is eating breakfast each morning. i am getting used to that and i am feeling a bit better i think. the next move is to eat more protein and to start journaling what i am eating so i can pinpoint the addictive triggers. i like the concept of the book, and i think it is something i can do.

all the meds have made me sort of mellow.

thinking, which can sometimes be a bad thing!

the thing about writing is you have to start doing it, period. i haven't, but i have had this nagging feeling that i should be doing it and would be happier if i were. so i am. now.

on my mind right now is austin, who is going through a rough spot. senioritis i guess, but i feel like the punching bag. he wants to do whatever he wants when he wants to. i am at fault for letting logic rule the day in all cases. not a good precident, and now i am paying for it. bebo and i talked to him last week about his attitude and his mouth, but he doesn't seem to get it. in any case, i told him if he were to start doing the things he is supposed to do, when he is supposed to do them, that he could do more things that he wants. but he is not doing the basic things. he isn't keeping up with his classwork and is skipping classes. he doesn't do his chores on a timely basis and never completes anything. what he does is sloppy and half assed. and there is always stress involved in getting him to do anything. throw in bebo who thinks he should be allowed to fail, and it makes it very complicated.

austin has moved himself to bebo's for awhile, mostly in protest over the fact i will not let him go out and "spend the night with friends." this translates in his being able to stay wherever with whomever and having no supervision to speak of. they are apparently going around and doing pranks on each other. austin thinks that because he tells me what he is doing, i will approve. bebo has said i should let him have some fun. but fun is all he is doing, and he is not doing the other things he needs to do. bebo's version of discipline is different from mine, so we have a split there. this last week he took the phone away from austin, which wasn't much of anything because he could use the house phone and when he was with lindsey, he could use her phone. the only one punished was me, who worried about him being in the car with no phone, and therefore no lifeline if there were a problem. bebo doesn't seem to believe that taking away the computer would be a better punishment. that would be because he is clueless about really parenting and lives on his version in his head what HE would do, which isn't rational or based in anything vaguely resembling useful.

i am living in the house with the cats and quiet and me on the downlow. i am not quite in the girl cave, but the house itself has become something of a cavern. i am feeling a lot alone right now, and a bit sad. this is austin's last time at home, the end of his childhood. i never pictured that the last year would be hell. i thought he would have matured and it would be easy. i badly miscalculated that one. it has been a huge struggle for power and control on his part, and a huge struggle for a happy ending on my part.

there are a lot of things to be considered, not the least of which is how i will live after he is really gone. this has been something of a good thing in that i am getting used to it. but i do feel a lot unloved and uncared about right now, sort of childish i guess, but it is how i am feeling. it does point out that when it gets right down to it, i am really alone and i do not have a partner or a primary person in my life who is interested in me. i am not in the mode of recruiting one. i would just like my son to be a little empathetic and caring. at this point, i might as well be pissing up a rope to think that would be happening.

his behavior has caused me to question parts of his character, and i don't like what i am seeing. i don't like the way he is treating lindsey. but i also don't like the way she acts around him or in certain situations. she is a handful on a good day, and is sort of high maintenance. i often think that amy would have been better for him in the long run vs. lindsey. two opposites, believe me. he seems to be more himself with lindsey, but i am not sure i like some of that either. in the long run, i am left to ponder who my son is, and it doesn't always compute. i guess he is still a work in progress. i can only hope that he turns out to be a good man. i don't seem to get to see any of the good stuff, only the bad and the ugly. that i could do without. what is scary is that the ones he is closest too he tends to treat in an inconsiderate manner. he can be sweet and a lot of other things, but i don't see much of it. i just feel a lot abused and taken advantage of. again i have to hope that i have done some things right along the way and that he will turn out to be a good man.

what i did on my summer vacation

keeping track of the traveling:
in june, as soon as school was out, we went to cincinnati for 5 days. i had never been there and wanted to make that trek. it had been a long time since i had been to the midwest. it was an interesting town. i ate in a couple of chili places, collected different types of chili from the kroger, and discovered coneys, which are little mini-hot dogs with chili. never had seen those before. one day i went downt to the ohio river to the riverfront park area and walk on the purple people eater bridge. there was an art show out on one side of the bridge, and a riverboat churning under the bridge. i wanted to get down to the river and get a rock, but it wasn't set up to do that easily, so i left cincinnati without one. this journey was also noted as when i got told that austin had had sex for the first time with his girlfriend. it wasn't like i didn't think this would happen, but i thought it would be later. we were in east jesus, ohio, traversing 50 miles of 2 lane roads because the males in the convoy had a "better way" i.e. using the stupid GARMIN gps. note: they all suck and i can't imagine why anyone would use one. anyway, i cried when austin told me, but i didn't really understand why. he did. he said "you are crying because i am not a little boy anymore." and this is true. it was the beginning of a summer in which i found out how much i don't really know my son and how much i don't have any control over anything he says, does, or feels. the real reason we went to cincinnati was to play ball, and they won the tourney, which was nice. it was a fast 8 hour pedal-to-the-metal drive back home because austin had to get to the DIAMOND by 8am the next morning for his tryouts with the arizona diamondbacks (he made the team.)
next, a hot saturday was spent in williamsburg watching silly games on dusty field. not a fun day. nothing memorable.
JULY: austin went off to atlanta for 2 weeks. this trip was precipitated by a speeding ticket on the morning he left and a total meltdown by me over not being able to control anything, his being a total dick and obnoxious. not what i wanted to have happen at that point. but it did. and i think now it was a good thing. i went to bed that monday with a headache and pretty much cried and slept the whole day. in the long run, i think this was the break. since then, my parenting has been sketchy at best. i am now used to not seeing him for long periods of time, and find that when he is here, it just stresses me out because he never does what i ask him to do house wise. it is very upsetting and all summer i have felt devalued and disrespected. i don't know whether my acceptance of his sexual situation and hearing about it from both he and lindsey has made me less respectable in their eyes, but i don't think i can change that. i am not comfortable totally with the situation, but not because i disapprove so much as i don't care and wonder if i should. the birth control is taken care of, and i have more or less looked the other way concerning their activities. i know they have sex in the house. i have asked not to have it in my face about what they are doing, but they are pretty open and jokey about it, which weirds me out a lot. but again, i don't care really. i figure at this point i could make them feel guilty, make them sneak around, but what good comes from that? bad sex and lots of guilt. if they are going to do it, might as well make it stress free and pleasurable. what they do later in their lives, i don't know. and i don't know if i have made the right move or not, but the move it made. so be it.

the second week austin was gone i went to seattle, and i had a simply marvelous time. for the first time since pam and i were in new mexico, i was completely relaxed. i was totally enraptured with the weather, the flowers, the food, the culture, the people, all of it. if i could have stayed there longer, i would have.

before i left for seattle, i went up to petersburg, wva to uncle jack's farm. mom and dad were there also, and we helped him prepare for his annual 4th of july party. the memorable thing there was the UNmemorable bbq that he had made and it was tres bland. mom and i tried to doctor it up as best we could. mom was a bit irritated because she spent most of the time doing work for the party. daddy's hip went out and he was down for the count for a day. we couldn't walk to the creek or the barn because both places were overgrown with weeds. i spent some time doing puzzles and we did a bit of shopping. the fireworks were marvelous and i took some really good pictures of them. i discovered a broasted chicken place in harrisonburg off of the interstate at 33, and got some and took it home with me. that was the first time i had had broasted chicken since we at it at bob's diner in Sioux falls, sd.

there was a trip to nc. to play ball at unc and at campbell university. we stayed with kathy houlihan in youngville, nc and that was fun. she and jim have "retired" there and have a huge, lovely home. we gabbed all night. jim wasn't there (it was during the week) and we returned to richmond on a friday so that austin could leave on saturday to go to myrtle beach for a week with lindsey's family. the next trip was the following thursday, when i drove to myrtle beach and spent an amusing, but sleepless night in the "condo" that lindsey's father's girlfriend had gotten. it was not the size of my san francisco room, and everyone was sleeping in one room. i got no sleep, and listened to 36 songs by josh groban 3 times over and over on the IPOD. austin and i got up early and drove to lakeland, FL where he was playing for 5 days in the east coast showcase baseball deal.

august: and it started in florida, which i hate, and still hate. the weather was miserably hot. i did some shopping there, at a lot of hot dogs at the checkers stand. daddy flew down on saturday and i was glad he did that. it was the first time i had spent time with him alone in my whole life. we drove around during the day sometimes and went into lakeland, which is a quaint little town. we went looking for oranges one day, but didn't find any (out of season in that part of the state.) austin was in the tigertown complex in his dorm, so we saw him some, but not a lot. i went to orlando twice, once to pick daddy up from the airport and once to eat at bubba gumps at universal studios. we had a bad rain storm going, and austin went with us. we had quite a hike from the parking lot to the restaurant and there were tons of people despite the heat and rain. it just confirmed my resolve never to go to a theme park in the summer, period. on sunday daddy and i went over to tampa to eat cuban food at a restaurant recomended on roadfoods.com. we were both underwhelmed. it was pretty bland and i was pretty disappointed. but most of my food choices in situations like that are good, so i guess i can't complain too much. the holiday inn that we stayed in was nice and i had a huge room, king bed, and a fridge and microwave. daddy was down the hall from me in my own room. we put him on the plane and booked for virginia, an all day drive. we stopped and did get produce outside of daytona (oranges for the neighbors) and then straight home for the most part with few stops. i drove the first 6, austin the last 6 and we made it, again, in record time. the trip wasn't a waste in that austin got seen by all these scouts, but it was much ado about nothing. he didn't play the whole week except 3 at bats (l hit, l walk, l strikeout) and he pitched 2 innings in the last game of the whole tourney, the last day. i had to sit in the heat and sweat myself sick for 4 days to see it. he did pitch well, over 90+ and he struck out 3, including ozzie guillen's son. one walk, one hit. pretty quick work. he didn't get to play first at all, and it was obvious that some of the coaches had favorites who got to play all the time.

after we got back from florida, pam and i went down to visit chuck and linda barat in horsehoe, nc, which is south of asheville, and north of hendersonville. we had a fun, relaxing time. pam went to the biltmore and chuck and i went to the nc farmers market, where of course i went nuts. we went to a nursery where i bought black mondo grass and a pitcher plant. we went to the art district of asheville on saturday and went into several galleries. we ended up eating thai and shopping in hendersonville and that night played hearts and spades and listened to the classic vinyl station on XM radio, where i knew all of the artists! we enjoyed looking at the plants and gardening things, and they have a lovely koi pond and have done a great job of landscaping the place, which is up on top of a mountain. pam and i drove back via danville and southeast virginia, which i hadn't been in in a long, long time, so that was an interesting twist to traveling.

daddy had hip surgery, so i made a couple of trips down to the beach, but never got on the beach. i spent a day with my mother and we did a little shopping and went to pollards for dinner and out to lunch at a deli, where i had one of the largest reuben sandwiches i have ever had. i had decided to spend time with my mother one on one like i had with daddy. we were supposed to go to the beach, but it was very hot and she didn't want to do that, so we went shopping instead and i actually bought clothes. daddy did fine with his surgery and has continued to do well. i had thought i would go back and help them last weekend, but they didn't need me since he was doing so well. lindsey and austin went on wednesday and took them uncle al's hotdogs and visited for the day. when i was there that last time i ate a footlong hormel hotdog at danny's drive in on kempsville rd, and i was happy about that in that i had been driving past that place for 40 years and had never stopped and eaten there. it turned out that they have 3 kinds of hotdogs, gwaltney, hormel and nathans as well as deli sandwiches. it was a good stop!

i went back to school on monday and i have been tired, but cerebral all week. i have been in a flare since 8/4 and it has not subsided. i was supposed to have gone down to cary, nc yesterday for austin's baseball, but i just didn't feel good and bebo was going anyway, so it was all good. i think i just need to rest.