i spent black friday in my house eating everything i could get my hands on and watching everything i could in my on demand files on comcast. nice, huh?
today, i hope to venture out of the house with no particular place to go and actually do something that leads to something fun. what does that mean?
i think a lot about doing stuff, like riding my bike, or talking a walk out in the woods behind the house. maybe sitting still on the deck at dusk. i think also about finishing painting the hall stairways so i could finish with the banister repair. i think also about cleaning my room, and cleaning the kitchen floors. i did take a shower and i do have clean clothes. however, i do also have a mound of unclean castoffs, and a lot of things that i should do.
considering my state of "blah" and considering my new found love of being in the foxhole, it is likely time to explore the possibility of more "ammunition" which for me means changing my medicine. i just don't think i can go into this xmas season without a few things to protect myself. attitude at xmas is everything, and if you are not prepared for the war, you will be surely shredded. considering my current cole slaw status, it is probably a good idea to force myself to get medical advice and to try and get myself a little bit up off of the ground. i am not depressed in the old way i was before drugs, but i think the reality is that i am somewhat depressed and i am starting to feel like a candidate for one of the depression on tv commercials. cimbalta anyone?
i think i could put up with most anything if i just had some enthusiasm for something, anything. i am not reading, i am listless, and i just don't care about even the basic stuff, like keeping my house clean, or looking terrific (like that every happens even in the perfectly drug balanced world!) i just can't get interested or excited about anything, and i am way too sensitive to everything. i can cry at the drop of a hat and get mad irrationally over things that i should just blow off. mostly i am feeling a lot unappreciated and devalued. i am not sure how to rectify this situation other than to get some medical help. i should have done that a long time ago, but like everything else, i just don't care enough to do anything about it.
however, it is xmas, my least favorite time of the year, and i just don't want to be a crushed cornflake when it is all over. i would like to want to cook or shop for people. right now, i don't. so off to a hopefully new doctor on monday. i will try and make the appointment with the doctor meg recommended to me and see what happens.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
thanksgiving 2008
it was a very easy day. i like thanksgiving. no gifts. good food. no pressure. just eat, jawbone, go home. i showed up with kale, made the gravy, carved the turkey, made mashed potatoes, and helped pam with the dilemma of what to do with the rolls...they were a little too wet. more flour, a bit more time to rise, and they came out fine.
austin had thanksgiving with his father and his family. i hung around at pam's longer than i thought i would. it is cold outside and the sky is clear. i love the smell of the woodsmoke coming from the wood burning furnace at pam's house. i downloaded pam's reb trip pictures, although i am missing a chunk (473-627) and it took forever. i talked a little politics with taylor and i rocked baby madelyn to sleep while everyone else ate. that, in itself, was a miracle, since i don't do babies. but she was sweet, sucking on her fingers because she is cutting some teeth. so she and i sat in the tv room watching football while i whispered to her "baseball!baseball!" and did a little reiki.
austin had thanksgiving with his father and his family. i hung around at pam's longer than i thought i would. it is cold outside and the sky is clear. i love the smell of the woodsmoke coming from the wood burning furnace at pam's house. i downloaded pam's reb trip pictures, although i am missing a chunk (473-627) and it took forever. i talked a little politics with taylor and i rocked baby madelyn to sleep while everyone else ate. that, in itself, was a miracle, since i don't do babies. but she was sweet, sucking on her fingers because she is cutting some teeth. so she and i sat in the tv room watching football while i whispered to her "baseball!baseball!" and did a little reiki.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
cold now in virginia
finally, the weather has gotten colder. while my bones feel pretty achy, my spirits are up. i like fall, and i like the cold. gloomy doesn't bother me, and the smells are very comforting.
baseball is over for now, and the focus has switched to basketball for the next couple of months. austin will continue with the pitching lessons the first weekend in december, and then back on a more regular basis after the first of the year. he is still in contact with various coaches and we are trying to start arranging for visits to the various campuses, including uva and clemson. unc probably will not sign him. unlv has offered him basically a full ride for everything. if he stays healthy, he should have some good options.
i am looking forward to this coming weekend, when i don't have to go out of town or down to prince george all weekend for baseball. while it has been sort of fun watching things snowball for austin, it has been way too exhausting for me. i have had exactly 2 unplanned weekends home since sept. 1. i need some down time along with some sleep. my house is a mess and is pretty reflective of my life, which is piles of this and that everywhere, with me just picking from the piles.
the windows are open in my room each night, the cats are all around, and the xm radio lulls me to sleep at night. while i am tired and i hurt all the time, i am ok. i am looking forward to thanksgiving and then i get to start dreading xmas....
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
the office...and the joys of a little dvd player
austin b is in my lst block class and every thursday he wears his dwight schute t-shirt. thursday is the day that THE OFFICE comes on tv. i happened to ask once i think about the shirt and thus ensued a campaign to get me to watch THE OFFICE so i would understand. the campaign ended with the season 3 dvd.
season 3 hung around my house for more than a month until i finally put it into my austin's dvd player one night a couple of weeks ago. it was like watching a train wreck! the lack of social skills of the characters is so appalling that you almost want to hide your face! i can only liken my fascination with this tv horror to my addiction to ROCK OF LOVE a couple of years ago. that, too was horrid...and i kept watching it. skanky, nasty, stupid chicks all competing to be bret michael's "rock of love" and, boy, the things women will do to cut each other out...
THE OFFICE...well, i am off to watch disc 2 of the set...
season 3 hung around my house for more than a month until i finally put it into my austin's dvd player one night a couple of weeks ago. it was like watching a train wreck! the lack of social skills of the characters is so appalling that you almost want to hide your face! i can only liken my fascination with this tv horror to my addiction to ROCK OF LOVE a couple of years ago. that, too was horrid...and i kept watching it. skanky, nasty, stupid chicks all competing to be bret michael's "rock of love" and, boy, the things women will do to cut each other out...
THE OFFICE...well, i am off to watch disc 2 of the set...
finally, election OVER!
i stayed home yesterday and i did vote. i didn't feel too good about it, and i still don't feel anything about this election other than i am glad it is over with, period. it has been one long, drawn out cat fight and i think we have all bled just a little.
my hope is that those who are happy that obama was elected do not gloat. i also hope that those who hate him do not stir the sparks of racism and create a greater schism between whites and blacks.
in many ways i wish that i could be excited by obama and what he may bring to the white house. i suppose i am just numbed out about everything political. i would like to believe, but i just can't. i guess i have turned into an old skeptic and a negative one at that. i fear, as do many, that some nutcase will take a pot shot at him. should he be killed, i cannot imagine the repercussions that would reverberate across this country. whatever has brought us together to this historic point could just as easily be taken away and reversed. but i guess i need to develop some faith, faith that people are basically good, as ann frank said in her diary. that somewhere in this crazy world people still believe in helping each other and working for a greater good than just the almighty dollar.
my hope is that those who are happy that obama was elected do not gloat. i also hope that those who hate him do not stir the sparks of racism and create a greater schism between whites and blacks.
in many ways i wish that i could be excited by obama and what he may bring to the white house. i suppose i am just numbed out about everything political. i would like to believe, but i just can't. i guess i have turned into an old skeptic and a negative one at that. i fear, as do many, that some nutcase will take a pot shot at him. should he be killed, i cannot imagine the repercussions that would reverberate across this country. whatever has brought us together to this historic point could just as easily be taken away and reversed. but i guess i need to develop some faith, faith that people are basically good, as ann frank said in her diary. that somewhere in this crazy world people still believe in helping each other and working for a greater good than just the almighty dollar.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
drama magnet, part I
i can't figure out how it is that i manage to offend people in such innocuous ways. i enjoy writing o this blog, but for the life of me, i can't understand how doing this could become a problem. in the years i have kept it, i have never gotten a comment, period. i made the name for the blog one that wasn't connected to me in any way, and one in which, unless you had the address, you couldn't find me. yet someone did, and complained about a post i made.
had it been just a stranger, then i would have probably blown it off. but it was some family member of bette's, and she and her family were appalled that i had written about bette on my blog for all the world to see. first, i can't imagine how in hell they would have been able to find my blog, or why they were even looking. secondly, i just talk to myself since no one knows i am here. bette's death was shocking and horrible. i wrote about it for myself. but i deleted it at the "family's request." and now i feel terrible. i didn't do anything to try and harm anyone. it was just for me, like a diary. the worst part of this is that i worked with bette for years, was aware of what was going on with her, tried to help her, have contributed to the fund for her, and was appalled at how her death was handled, both by the school people and the medical system that failed her. her family doesn't know me, except her sister, and i guess everyone deals with things differently.
i can't win. but i did go and remove the blog from any way to be viewed from the outside other than by invitation, and now i am not inviting anyone. i think only 3 people even know i have it out there, so i guess i will just put them on the ok list and let it fly.
had it been just a stranger, then i would have probably blown it off. but it was some family member of bette's, and she and her family were appalled that i had written about bette on my blog for all the world to see. first, i can't imagine how in hell they would have been able to find my blog, or why they were even looking. secondly, i just talk to myself since no one knows i am here. bette's death was shocking and horrible. i wrote about it for myself. but i deleted it at the "family's request." and now i feel terrible. i didn't do anything to try and harm anyone. it was just for me, like a diary. the worst part of this is that i worked with bette for years, was aware of what was going on with her, tried to help her, have contributed to the fund for her, and was appalled at how her death was handled, both by the school people and the medical system that failed her. her family doesn't know me, except her sister, and i guess everyone deals with things differently.
i can't win. but i did go and remove the blog from any way to be viewed from the outside other than by invitation, and now i am not inviting anyone. i think only 3 people even know i have it out there, so i guess i will just put them on the ok list and let it fly.
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