another black friday in the foxhole!

i spent black friday in my house eating everything i could get my hands on and watching everything i could in my on demand files on comcast. nice, huh?

today, i hope to venture out of the house with no particular place to go and actually do something that leads to something fun. what does that mean?

i think a lot about doing stuff, like riding my bike, or talking a walk out in the woods behind the house. maybe sitting still on the deck at dusk. i think also about finishing painting the hall stairways so i could finish with the banister repair. i think also about cleaning my room, and cleaning the kitchen floors. i did take a shower and i do have clean clothes. however, i do also have a mound of unclean castoffs, and a lot of things that i should do.

considering my state of "blah" and considering my new found love of being in the foxhole, it is likely time to explore the possibility of more "ammunition" which for me means changing my medicine. i just don't think i can go into this xmas season without a few things to protect myself. attitude at xmas is everything, and if you are not prepared for the war, you will be surely shredded. considering my current cole slaw status, it is probably a good idea to force myself to get medical advice and to try and get myself a little bit up off of the ground. i am not depressed in the old way i was before drugs, but i think the reality is that i am somewhat depressed and i am starting to feel like a candidate for one of the depression on tv commercials. cimbalta anyone?

i think i could put up with most anything if i just had some enthusiasm for something, anything. i am not reading, i am listless, and i just don't care about even the basic stuff, like keeping my house clean, or looking terrific (like that every happens even in the perfectly drug balanced world!) i just can't get interested or excited about anything, and i am way too sensitive to everything. i can cry at the drop of a hat and get mad irrationally over things that i should just blow off. mostly i am feeling a lot unappreciated and devalued. i am not sure how to rectify this situation other than to get some medical help. i should have done that a long time ago, but like everything else, i just don't care enough to do anything about it.

however, it is xmas, my least favorite time of the year, and i just don't want to be a crushed cornflake when it is all over. i would like to want to cook or shop for people. right now, i don't. so off to a hopefully new doctor on monday. i will try and make the appointment with the doctor meg recommended to me and see what happens.