when you reach my age you have to accept one of life's little not-so-amusing jokes, which is woman face hair. in my case, i feel like billy goat's gruff. not only do i have it on my chin, but i am beginning to feel like i have swirly fur all over my face. and my eyebrows...well, some of the hairs have taken on a life of their own and i swear they are so long that you could braid them.
but i digress.
last night at the last moment i decided to wax my face with the little nail wax strips. i rubbed them between my hands until the wax was melted, then carefully peeled them apart. i went to put the side i wasn't using down, and damned if it didn't leap from my hands...and land on my cell phone.
don't ask what the cellphone was doing on the bathroom counter. it was just there, apparently begging to be waxed. the strip was stuck to the side of the phone, so i pulled it off as gently as i could and then put the strip on my chin. i then proceeded to rip hair out of my chin and noticed, of course, that i hadn't gotten everything and what i had gotten was sticking out of my face with little white wax pieces standing on the end. my chin now looked like a very short bristle brush.
i still had another strip left, i don't know what happened, again, but this time as i was trying to apply it to the other part of my face, it again was magnetized by the cell phone, and it came out of my hands and landed flat, this time, on the phone. i ripped it off, leaving most of the wax on the phone, put the strip on my face and got practically nothing off, and then went to try and dewax the phone.
the nail people give you these little wet packs that have a moist towelette in it, but this one isn't like the ones you get in the rib or chicken place. this one is soaked in oil. you use it to take the wax tips off you face and soothe the skin. well, i used mine to do that first, and then to try and get the wax off the cell phone. unfortunately, it didn't go quite as i planned. this time the more i rubbed the phone with the oily towelette thing, the more fuzz rubbed off of the towelette, so now the phone not only is sticky with wax, but art imitates life...the cell phone has a white fuzz growing all over it.
i tried to wipe the oil off (i had it all over my fingers and all over my phone) and the quickest way to do that was impulse...i rubbed the phone on my chest, now giving a perfect replica of the cell phone on my chest in oil...sort of like the shroud of turin for cell phones...so now i have a giant grease spot on my shirt, the phone has just grown another set of hair in the wax due to the additional fuzz it has picked up from my shirt, and i still have curly q's hanging under my chin...plus i now also look like my face has been burned in certain places. i have to resort to climbing up on the sink with my glasses off and trying to pull chin hairs off with a very uncooperative set of tweezers.
i finally just quit. i did go after the moustache, but gave up on that too. no attempt was made to calm down the eyebrows, which seem to have hairs that wave in the wind and wink at you. imagine a small peninsula of palm trees growing on you face, little tiny ones waving in the breeze, two of these hair islands, separated by the gulf of my nose...
body hair issues apparently are going to just haunt me. the good news is that the wax is off the cellphone and it has baby smooth skin. other good news is that i have absolutely no intent on ever getting anything (fire, wax, tweezers) in the vicinity of my crotch. between torching my head hair and ripping off my face hair, i don't think i want to do anything south of the border...
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