teddy greybear is hammering away at the door, meowing and demanding, and that is enough to remind me that one thing i gained was him, and another thing i lost, which was thing. they aren't the same, but they are both alike in many ways. probably the biggest way is that they both consistently gave me comfort and loved me.
this year was good in a lot of ways, and then there were losses. besides thing, there was the death of my friend bette, and tom's dad bill. warnie has rapidly slid away into a sort of childlike twilight, and that is hard to see, but then again, it is acceptable. my brother certainly had a bad year, and the beating in september is scaring for everyone. but he did get a new dog, canyon, who has been a great good for him. for me, there has probably been more than a year long loss of me. i haven't been right for a long time. life has been blah sort of, nothing greatly exciting, although there were things that should have excited me. i am thinking now that most of that has been chemical, but i just didn't realize how much had been dripping away until recently.
so i am starting off the new year in a better frame of mind. i must add that it is chemically induced. my new doctor switched me to cymbalta to replace the lexapro. this is a good thing i am hoping. i am already feeling better, with more energy and more desire to do something. i am following through with plans, which i haven't done in such a long time. i am not just tired and in pain all the time. this is all good, and i hope that it continues. i won't know i guess for awhile if this frame of mind will stay steady, but i am hoping that the cymbalta and the mega doses of vitamin d will put me in some place where i feel like i have something to go forward for. i have just been plodding through for a long time.
there were a lot of positives in the last year. the 3 week REB trip certainly was the culmination of a gift of a lifetime. i saw so much that i had never seen before, but i was stressed out most of the time and fighting with austin. had i had the good drugs then, i might have had a better time of it, but i still got to go, and i still had fun.
shelley and bart came and stayed for a week during spring break and learned then that i can actually have people stay with me and not be stressed out. that was certainly a first. pam and i are planning to go to seattle this summer, so that is something to look forward to.
austin's life has been a series of peaks and valleys with baseball. in june we discover that he can throw an over 90 MPH fastball, but then he breaks his hand in a freak accident in the junior olympics. he is out of baseball for the summer, doesn't get ranking, but then comes the fall and all of a sudden, he is now on the radar. he has a grueling, but productive fall, goes to basketball out of shape and overweight. his high school baseball coach is disgruntled because he isn't working out off season with the team. the basketball coach is also disgruntled for the same reason. austin is playing basketball, but the team hasn't done well particularly and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason as to why. and then yesterday, he broke his big toe. yet another pesky injury, just when he needs to start looking closely at the baseball. i don't know if this is another sign or what. there just seems to be no rhyme or reason to his being constantly close to being in the spotlight, and then out of it. it is almost as if god keeps pulling him and saying "wait a minute. chill out."
managing his "career" and watching over all he does has been a tremendous strain. combine that with a myriad of health issues for so long, and you have the flat lined me. but i am hoping i can get to a point where i can relax. i have already seen some improvement in that i have read 3 or 4 books since i have been home, have cleaned up and done things that i have put off for a long time, and have started back piddling with my jewelry. i have ordered books to learn how to use my computer programs, and i got through xmas relatively unscathed. i have slept more, and enjoyed my animals.
this last year seems to have been one of peaks and valleys, but none of them devastatingly awful or gloriously wonderful. it in many ways has been a growing year and a learning year. my job has changed, and i have let a lot of things go in that direction. i am watching austin grow up and out before my eyes, and i have had a lot of feelings about being left alone and in the dust by him. there has been a lot of argument between the two of us over the house and his doing what i expect him to do for grades. it has been a year where i can freely admit that i have no control over him, and i have felt very much hurt by him on more than a few occasions. bebo has been better and easier to get along with, but he can be guaranteed to do something that i can't anticipate. i have had a lot of jealously about austin's wanting to hang out at bebo's and i have been pretty open about that. i think if austin ever acted like he cared about me or my feelings, i wouldn't been so depressed about it. but maybe that will change. he has been with bebo for a week, but he has been ok to me when i have seen him. (i drove up to stanardsville two days in a row to watch one basketball game.) he did thank me for coming and hugged and kissed me. i have learned this year that i do need human touch.
i am thankful for good friends and comfort. i am thankful for the relative health of my family and the joy of watching my child be successful. i am thankful that despite setbacks, i am still alive and still have a brain. i am very thankful that they make good drugs...:)
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