this afternoon austin and i cleaned around the house, emptying cat pans, vacuuming the cat hair off the first floor, cleaning the bathrooms. of course, everywhere you go, there is thing hair. we had to both sit down and get the hair off of the rollers on the vac to make sure it didn't mess it up. as you are sitting there, pulling long ropes of hair off, you can't help but see him and be sad. i have done pretty well this week, sort of switching into a mode where i am not crying and staying busy not thinking about him. i guess that is the stages of grief thing kicking in. i am not over it all that completely, but i am moving on...and i feel guilty about that. does that mean i don't love him anymore because i am thinking about getting another kitten? does that mean i don't care as much because i am now feeding the girls wet food? (i couldn't have possibly feed them that when he was alive because he ate so much!) i am probably going to retire one of the buddah domes (cat pans) as i see we don't need 2 anymore. things are considerably smaller in a lot of ways around here.
i am supposedly on a list for a kitten with a breeder in virginia beach. i haven't heard back from her, but it will be at least 3 months before i get the kitten anyway, so it works out i guess. by fall i should be ready for one. right now, the girls are a bit wacko and i don't know how they would react to having a kitten here. they are all sort of needy and i am indulging them with lots of one on one time with each, wet food, letting them sleep in my room, and generally letting them sit on me all the time. freckles stays to herself most of the time, but is getting better about being around the other two when they are with me. olive and freckles are fighting more, but i think that is because olive is establishing herself as alpha cat around here. olivia meows a lot and talks, olive has to be right on you at all times, and freckles is content to sleep on the bed or be near me when she can. even if she is there first, freckles will usually retreat when olive shows up. about 50% of the time olive will make freckles leave me.
i haven't been back to the vet to pick up thing's collar. i haven't been ready for it, although i guess i could do that now. a lot of people have seemed a bit surprised that i didn't get thing's body and bury it. i just don't find that having them buried around me makes me feel any better. if anything, it makes me sad, and it makes me worry that some animal will dig up the body and drag it around. this happened with my first cat, jenny, and i couldn't bear to have that happen again. when i buried phantom years ago in the backyard, i always worried whenever i was out there if something would get to his body. nothing ever did, but it never was a comfort, only a reminder of being sad. so no bodies for me. i have plenty of pictures, videos and hair to remind me. even now, i can remember what the inside of his ears felt like since he loved having them rubbed. my hands are like things that can see, and i have a visual from having touched him, how skinny he was along his backbone, and how his hair was all matted under his belly. he had those big tuffs of hair between his toes and the long whiskers. i know as time goes on, these feelings will fade a lot. that happened with santini. but, still, i know i can remember some things, and i don't want them to always make me feel sad...
well, i am sad now that i am writing this, so i think i will quit.
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