i can't figure out how it is that i manage to offend people in such innocuous ways. i enjoy writing o this blog, but for the life of me, i can't understand how doing this could become a problem. in the years i have kept it, i have never gotten a comment, period. i made the name for the blog one that wasn't connected to me in any way, and one in which, unless you had the address, you couldn't find me. yet someone did, and complained about a post i made.
had it been just a stranger, then i would have probably blown it off. but it was some family member of bette's, and she and her family were appalled that i had written about bette on my blog for all the world to see. first, i can't imagine how in hell they would have been able to find my blog, or why they were even looking. secondly, i just talk to myself since no one knows i am here. bette's death was shocking and horrible. i wrote about it for myself. but i deleted it at the "family's request." and now i feel terrible. i didn't do anything to try and harm anyone. it was just for me, like a diary. the worst part of this is that i worked with bette for years, was aware of what was going on with her, tried to help her, have contributed to the fund for her, and was appalled at how her death was handled, both by the school people and the medical system that failed her. her family doesn't know me, except her sister, and i guess everyone deals with things differently.
i can't win. but i did go and remove the blog from any way to be viewed from the outside other than by invitation, and now i am not inviting anyone. i think only 3 people even know i have it out there, so i guess i will just put them on the ok list and let it fly.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
stephen s
my associations with children's hospital here in richmond have been positive. while i knew that this was a hospital for children with many physical ills, i had never seen that part of the hospital. my comings and goings had been strictly to have austin evaluated for gifted status. and that was it. what an eye opening experience this past friday was for me.
for the first time since his accident, i went to see my student, stephen. he is lying in a bed in a colorful room in a sunny, pleasant wing. he is facing a large red stuffed frog, and one eye blinks, the other does not. i don't know if he knew who i was, or what he knows at all . what i do know is that i was not prepared for what i saw, and i am ashamed to say i was shocked.
first, i knew that they had removed a part of his skull and that it is in a freezer somewhere. this was to allow the swelling in his brain to go down. but i wonder if they removed part of his brain as well. the one side of his head is just a crater. is the brain that small?
he has grown a great deal. his hands are larger and i couldn't help but think that would have helped his guitar playing. they had him dressed in a t-shirt with guitars on it, and his ipod was on the stand next to the bed. around the room were still posters and pictures and someone had put halloween things on the window. and it is october, the end of it, and stephen has been gone from us since the beginning of march. i did reiki on him, but i don't think he was there. but i just guess you have to have faith. his parents certainly do. i am not sure that he will come back to us, but i wish it.
and it makes me greatful for what i have, and it makes me wonder about all of the lessons that could be learned from watching him, watching his family. he may never do another thing in his life short of blinking one eye occasionally. but he is still a stone in the pond, and the ripples, ah, the ripples that he has made...
for the first time since his accident, i went to see my student, stephen. he is lying in a bed in a colorful room in a sunny, pleasant wing. he is facing a large red stuffed frog, and one eye blinks, the other does not. i don't know if he knew who i was, or what he knows at all . what i do know is that i was not prepared for what i saw, and i am ashamed to say i was shocked.
first, i knew that they had removed a part of his skull and that it is in a freezer somewhere. this was to allow the swelling in his brain to go down. but i wonder if they removed part of his brain as well. the one side of his head is just a crater. is the brain that small?
he has grown a great deal. his hands are larger and i couldn't help but think that would have helped his guitar playing. they had him dressed in a t-shirt with guitars on it, and his ipod was on the stand next to the bed. around the room were still posters and pictures and someone had put halloween things on the window. and it is october, the end of it, and stephen has been gone from us since the beginning of march. i did reiki on him, but i don't think he was there. but i just guess you have to have faith. his parents certainly do. i am not sure that he will come back to us, but i wish it.
and it makes me greatful for what i have, and it makes me wonder about all of the lessons that could be learned from watching him, watching his family. he may never do another thing in his life short of blinking one eye occasionally. but he is still a stone in the pond, and the ripples, ah, the ripples that he has made...
teddy greybear
Every once in awhile you get a hunch and you act on it. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. in any case, i don't think much happens without a reason, and such is the case with teddy greybear. i woke up on a recent saturday thinking about o.c., the cat that i had considered adopting back in july. i had seen that o.c. was still not adopted yet, and i woke up this particular morning and something said "go to petsmart." i did.
i didn't know for sure if o.c. would be there. it is sort of hit and miss as to which cats are brought out each weekend for adoption. but i drove on out to short pump anyway in hopes he would be there. he was. i was looking at him in the cage, and something said to me, this isn't the cat. i knew immediately, and i felt bad because no one has taken him. but i happen to glance at the cage next to him, and there he was...teddy G.
the sign said "part maine coon" and he is obviously not a purebred. he is smaller, about the size of santini, but he has all of the regular maine coon affectations: the pointed hair on the top of the ears, the bushy tail, the tuffs in his toes. and he is solid grey all the way. i have never seen a solid grey maine coon before.
i asked if he was a male, and they said, yes, he was. he was also declawed, fully vetted, and had only been with the rescue group for a few days. this was his first trip out into the world. this cat had no name...the family that gave him up just called him cat, and apparently they gave him away when their daughter went off to college. something about a dog being liked better.
teddy was the missing cat for me. so i paid $90 (vs. $800 for a purebred) and brought him home hoping he would be okay with the girls. at first, it wasn't. he found a hole under the chair in the san francisco room, and stayed in there for a couple of days. but slowly he started coming out. he is quite a talker and loves to be rubbed on his belly and back. his fun spots are the exact opposite of thing's favorite spots. as a matter of fact, he is the opposite in personality from thing. while he is still skittish, he is around me now. he isn't a lap cat, but he will sit right next to you on the arm of the sofa and around you on the bed, just like thing. however, he is a morning cat, and has a daily routine of following me to the bathroom, jumping up on the sink, and talking. he likes, as evidenced by the picture, to let the water run over his head and then drink it. i have never seen a cat that likes water, but this one does!
the girls have pretty much accepted him, and they still hiss at each other, but so far, so good. olive is jealous, but she would be of any cat. freckles seems to be much happier as she is no longer the low man on the totem pole. he doesn't play with them, but he is around. if you move too fast, he runs. he is still a bit skittish, but he likes reiki!
i haven't seen o.c.'s picture in the paper since then, so i am thinking he was adopted. the rescue lady said there had been some people who had called about him, and i am thinking that this worked out. o.c. got a home, and so did teddy. like all teddy bears, he is sweet and kind, and that is why i named him teddy. all of the ted's and teddy's in my life have been sweet, kind men, and i think this cat is one of those!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
the evil that men do...
My need to be a recluse is pretty well documented, but after what happened to my brother on saturday night, i don't think i need any urging to want to escape the human race.
i have been reminded that for the one who was so evil, there were many others who stepped forward to help. that i should be thankful for. but it still does not make me feel any safer or more secure with trusting the human animal.
in a nutshell, he was attacked by a 23-year-0ld drunken russian who broke his nose and then kicked him in the head, breaking 4 molars, chipping his other teeth, cutting his forehead and maybe breaking the orbital bone in his eye. when asked by the arresting officers why he had attacked my brother and his friends, especially after the great lengths they had gone to to avoid a confrontation, he replied "because they are fags."
hopefully, he has no friends who would bail his sorry ass out, and he is still sitting in a cell rotting. but i doubt it. likely, he is loose and on the lam, as is miguel rodriguez and his sister maria who refuse to take responsibility for the car accident they caused. why won't people just behave nicely and do what is right? why attack and hurt people you don't even know?
the physical injuries to my brother will slowly heal, but what about the damage done to his view of the world and of himself?
i have been reminded that for the one who was so evil, there were many others who stepped forward to help. that i should be thankful for. but it still does not make me feel any safer or more secure with trusting the human animal.
in a nutshell, he was attacked by a 23-year-0ld drunken russian who broke his nose and then kicked him in the head, breaking 4 molars, chipping his other teeth, cutting his forehead and maybe breaking the orbital bone in his eye. when asked by the arresting officers why he had attacked my brother and his friends, especially after the great lengths they had gone to to avoid a confrontation, he replied "because they are fags."
hopefully, he has no friends who would bail his sorry ass out, and he is still sitting in a cell rotting. but i doubt it. likely, he is loose and on the lam, as is miguel rodriguez and his sister maria who refuse to take responsibility for the car accident they caused. why won't people just behave nicely and do what is right? why attack and hurt people you don't even know?
the physical injuries to my brother will slowly heal, but what about the damage done to his view of the world and of himself?
Daily OM-finding another vantage point
September 16, 2008
Hidden Treasures-Finding Another Vantage Point
The ocean can look very different, depending on whether you are standing at the shore, soaring above in a plane, or swimming beneath its waves. Likewise, a mountain can look very different relative to where you are standing. Each living thing sees the world from its unique vantage point. While from your window you may be seeing what looks like a huge shrub, a bird in its nest is getting an intimate view of that tree’s leafy interior. Meanwhile, a beetle sees only a massive and never-ending tree trunk. Yet all three of you are looking at the same tree. Just as a shadow that is concealed from one point of view is easily seen from another, it is possible to miss a fantastic view. That is, unless you are willing to see what’s in front of you through different eyes. Seeing the world from another perspective, whether spatially or mentally, can introduce you to all sorts of hidden treasures. The root of the discovery process often lies in finding another way of looking at the world. The common human reaction to insects is one example. Spinning its web in a dark corner, a spider may seem drab, frightening, and mysterious. But seen up close weaving silver snowflakes between the branches of a tree, they can look like colored jewels. Sometimes, there are experiences in life that from your vantage point may seem confusing, alarming, or worrisome. Or there may be events that look insignificant from where you are standing right now. Try seeing them from another point of view. How does the situation look now? Try burying your face in the grass and looking at the world from a bug’s vantage point. Explore your home as if you were a small child. Take a ride in a small aircraft and experience the world from a bird’s eye view. Just as kneeling down or standing on a chair can help you find a lost object, so can seeing a broader or the more focused picture help you find wisdom or hidden treasures. In doing so, you’ll experience a very different world.
Hidden Treasures-Finding Another Vantage Point
The ocean can look very different, depending on whether you are standing at the shore, soaring above in a plane, or swimming beneath its waves. Likewise, a mountain can look very different relative to where you are standing. Each living thing sees the world from its unique vantage point. While from your window you may be seeing what looks like a huge shrub, a bird in its nest is getting an intimate view of that tree’s leafy interior. Meanwhile, a beetle sees only a massive and never-ending tree trunk. Yet all three of you are looking at the same tree. Just as a shadow that is concealed from one point of view is easily seen from another, it is possible to miss a fantastic view. That is, unless you are willing to see what’s in front of you through different eyes. Seeing the world from another perspective, whether spatially or mentally, can introduce you to all sorts of hidden treasures. The root of the discovery process often lies in finding another way of looking at the world. The common human reaction to insects is one example. Spinning its web in a dark corner, a spider may seem drab, frightening, and mysterious. But seen up close weaving silver snowflakes between the branches of a tree, they can look like colored jewels. Sometimes, there are experiences in life that from your vantage point may seem confusing, alarming, or worrisome. Or there may be events that look insignificant from where you are standing right now. Try seeing them from another point of view. How does the situation look now? Try burying your face in the grass and looking at the world from a bug’s vantage point. Explore your home as if you were a small child. Take a ride in a small aircraft and experience the world from a bird’s eye view. Just as kneeling down or standing on a chair can help you find a lost object, so can seeing a broader or the more focused picture help you find wisdom or hidden treasures. In doing so, you’ll experience a very different world.
Monday, September 8, 2008
a thought for the day from OM
September 8, 2008
Trying To Please Others Living For Ourselves
Most of us come to a point in our lives when we question why we are doing what we are doing, and many of us come to realize that we may be living our lives in an effort to make our parents happy. This realization can dawn when we are in our 20s, our 40s, or even later, depending upon how tight a hold our family of origin has on our psyche. We may feel shocked or depressed by this information, but we can trust that it is coming to us at this time because we are ready to find out what it would mean to live our lives for ourselves, following the call of our own soul, and refusing any longer to be beholden to someone else’s expectations. One of the most common reasons we are so tied into making our parents, or others, happy, is that we were not properly mirrored when we were children. We were not honored as individuals in our own right, with a will and purpose of our own, to be determined by our own unfolding. As a result, we learned to look outside of ourselves for approval, support, and direction rather than look within. The good news is that the part of us that was not adequately nurtured is still there, inside us, like a seed that has not yet received the sunlight and moisture it needs to open and to allow its inner contents to unfurl. It is never too late to provide ourselves with what we need to awaken this inner being. There are many ways to create a safe container for ourselves so that we can turn within and shine the light of awareness there. We may join a support group, go to therapy, or start a practice of journaling every day for half an hour. This experience of becoming is well worth the difficult work that may be required of us to get there. In whatever process we choose, we may feel worse before we feel better, but we will ultimately find out how to live our lives for ourselves and how to make ourselves happy.
Trying To Please Others Living For Ourselves
Most of us come to a point in our lives when we question why we are doing what we are doing, and many of us come to realize that we may be living our lives in an effort to make our parents happy. This realization can dawn when we are in our 20s, our 40s, or even later, depending upon how tight a hold our family of origin has on our psyche. We may feel shocked or depressed by this information, but we can trust that it is coming to us at this time because we are ready to find out what it would mean to live our lives for ourselves, following the call of our own soul, and refusing any longer to be beholden to someone else’s expectations. One of the most common reasons we are so tied into making our parents, or others, happy, is that we were not properly mirrored when we were children. We were not honored as individuals in our own right, with a will and purpose of our own, to be determined by our own unfolding. As a result, we learned to look outside of ourselves for approval, support, and direction rather than look within. The good news is that the part of us that was not adequately nurtured is still there, inside us, like a seed that has not yet received the sunlight and moisture it needs to open and to allow its inner contents to unfurl. It is never too late to provide ourselves with what we need to awaken this inner being. There are many ways to create a safe container for ourselves so that we can turn within and shine the light of awareness there. We may join a support group, go to therapy, or start a practice of journaling every day for half an hour. This experience of becoming is well worth the difficult work that may be required of us to get there. In whatever process we choose, we may feel worse before we feel better, but we will ultimately find out how to live our lives for ourselves and how to make ourselves happy.
Monday, September 1, 2008
alexei
one of the great things about being on antidepressants for 11 years has been the fact that many of my phobias have lessened. gone away, no, but lessened, yes. these are things like my fear of heights, bridges over water, insects of most sorts, and especially SPIDERS. so, better living through chemistry i say. and this is good, for now i have to deal with alexei.
despite drugs, spiders can freak me out a bit, especially if they are anywhere near my hair or my face. meg tells the tale of the time i was driving the car and a spider dropped down next to my head and hand by the drivers side. my instinct was to get away from it...so i steered the car over 2 lanes to do so. silly me...
i went to clean the cat pan the other day and almost walked right into alexei...a giant black and gold writing spider. alexei (and don't ask why i named it that) was sitting squat in the middle of a huge web that covered the entire side door by the garbage can. i don't generally see spiders during the day, so to be faced with alexei, literally almost eye to eye, was a shock. the next shock was the size of the web and the fact that i now had a dilemma...how to get out of the door.
alexei did not move much, even when i moved the door back and forth to chase him out. his web was going to hell in a hand basket due to my vigorous efforts, but the spider was not giving up the neighborhood. big problem. the shortest route to cat litter and the trash can was right through that door, and now i was being blocked by an extremely large, determined daytime spider.
the obvious thing to have done would to have just killed it. however, despite my initial horror, some part of me thought this was cool. alexei had already written in the web, a long north to south white zigzag. i had only had one writing spider before, and hadn't been much on enjoying it because of was so scared of it getting in my hair. i got to thinking about it, and decided to let the spider be. i would just have to make some adjustments to the situation.
the cat litter and oooper scoopers have been moved right up to the base of that door. i can open the door and drag what i need in and then push it back out. the spider is somewhat displaced with the door opening, but isn't the life of a spider spent taking up the web and putting it back? in this case, that is not true. alexei's web stays up all the time, and he has caught a couple of juicy somethings in there that he has proceeded to consume. do insects leave skeletons? he had one captured critter in there for a day and then it was gone. maybe alexei carried the carcass somewhere and disposed of the evidence. in any case, he must be full because his web has been a tangled mess since yesterday when i opened the door to do the cat pans. he has not seemed to terribly interested in rebuilding or writing. right now he has yet another treat (i think) tangled up in what is left of the web. i am thinking maybe this is a retarded spider. either that, or it is stoned on some sort of insect brownie...
austin is mortified of spiders and won't even sit on the front porch because he is afraid of the WEBS. i can understand why he would retreat from that porch at night...you know it is time to go in the house when about 50 of them descend, almost on cue, straight down from their daytime cubbyholes in the roof. almost like an arachnid army of repellers, they silently drop down to begin the evening events. i have yet to have one go too far and land in my hair (still phobic about that), but even i don't want to take the risk, so i too will retreat when i see them.
i took austin to the side door and showed him alexei and he was a bit taken aback. i told him that i didn't plan to kill the spider and had made temporary arrangements concerning the cat litter and do do patrol. i am sure that now i will be taking over that chore, or at least i will have to be the one to duck down and drag the stuff inside the house by going under alexei and his web...
again, i could kill it, but i am finding myself wandering to the door to just look at what he has done with the web itself. it is sort of arachnid art, and i have found myself checking it a couple of times a day, sort like spider email...
at some point i suspect i will actually take the new camera out of the box and post a picture of alexei. hopefully, he will get sober and do a good art piece for me to preserve on film...
despite drugs, spiders can freak me out a bit, especially if they are anywhere near my hair or my face. meg tells the tale of the time i was driving the car and a spider dropped down next to my head and hand by the drivers side. my instinct was to get away from it...so i steered the car over 2 lanes to do so. silly me...
i went to clean the cat pan the other day and almost walked right into alexei...a giant black and gold writing spider. alexei (and don't ask why i named it that) was sitting squat in the middle of a huge web that covered the entire side door by the garbage can. i don't generally see spiders during the day, so to be faced with alexei, literally almost eye to eye, was a shock. the next shock was the size of the web and the fact that i now had a dilemma...how to get out of the door.
alexei did not move much, even when i moved the door back and forth to chase him out. his web was going to hell in a hand basket due to my vigorous efforts, but the spider was not giving up the neighborhood. big problem. the shortest route to cat litter and the trash can was right through that door, and now i was being blocked by an extremely large, determined daytime spider.
the obvious thing to have done would to have just killed it. however, despite my initial horror, some part of me thought this was cool. alexei had already written in the web, a long north to south white zigzag. i had only had one writing spider before, and hadn't been much on enjoying it because of was so scared of it getting in my hair. i got to thinking about it, and decided to let the spider be. i would just have to make some adjustments to the situation.
the cat litter and oooper scoopers have been moved right up to the base of that door. i can open the door and drag what i need in and then push it back out. the spider is somewhat displaced with the door opening, but isn't the life of a spider spent taking up the web and putting it back? in this case, that is not true. alexei's web stays up all the time, and he has caught a couple of juicy somethings in there that he has proceeded to consume. do insects leave skeletons? he had one captured critter in there for a day and then it was gone. maybe alexei carried the carcass somewhere and disposed of the evidence. in any case, he must be full because his web has been a tangled mess since yesterday when i opened the door to do the cat pans. he has not seemed to terribly interested in rebuilding or writing. right now he has yet another treat (i think) tangled up in what is left of the web. i am thinking maybe this is a retarded spider. either that, or it is stoned on some sort of insect brownie...
austin is mortified of spiders and won't even sit on the front porch because he is afraid of the WEBS. i can understand why he would retreat from that porch at night...you know it is time to go in the house when about 50 of them descend, almost on cue, straight down from their daytime cubbyholes in the roof. almost like an arachnid army of repellers, they silently drop down to begin the evening events. i have yet to have one go too far and land in my hair (still phobic about that), but even i don't want to take the risk, so i too will retreat when i see them.
i took austin to the side door and showed him alexei and he was a bit taken aback. i told him that i didn't plan to kill the spider and had made temporary arrangements concerning the cat litter and do do patrol. i am sure that now i will be taking over that chore, or at least i will have to be the one to duck down and drag the stuff inside the house by going under alexei and his web...
again, i could kill it, but i am finding myself wandering to the door to just look at what he has done with the web itself. it is sort of arachnid art, and i have found myself checking it a couple of times a day, sort like spider email...
at some point i suspect i will actually take the new camera out of the box and post a picture of alexei. hopefully, he will get sober and do a good art piece for me to preserve on film...
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