one of the words i have learned while playing freerice.com is the word "eremite" which translates into hermit. right now i am feeling that eremite would perfectly describe what i would like to be after my moment at walmart this morning.
saturday. mechanicsville. the middle of the month=crowds. you know it, you expect it, and you plan for it. my plan was to check myself out in lawn and garden where the lines were reasonable. i am not sure reasonable is how i would describe the two ingrates in line in front of me.
scenario: young black woman checking out people. two sloppy fat white rednecks checking out in front of me. he in his carhart hat and flannel shirt. the checkout girl wasn't moving overly fast and didn't exactly look enthused to be where she was, but that is a given i suppose under the circumstances. i don't know how enthused i would have been either. in any case, they questioned the price on some foam wire covers and of course, we are no where near where they picked them up from. checkout girl walked down to a supervisor and got someone to go and do a price check. as she walks away, the couple begin to discuss her "attitude" which he says "is mean as a rattlesnake." i wasn't getting this, but none the less, checkout girl was continuing checking out and some dialogue began concerning her saying "thank you" and "you're welcome." before this exchange, the frustrated couple decide not purchase the things that the other person is getting the price check on.
the white couple seemed to be intent on getting something from this girl, but she wasn't giving it up. i suspect they wanted to see her cow-tow down a bit, and she didn't do it. when she refused to say "you're welcome" they started haranguing her and asked her name. she wouldn't give it. then they insisted she call for a manager. they were intent on embarrassing her and refused to move until a manager showed up and i guess they could complain in front of everyone and "put her in her place."
this really pissed me off and made me embarrassed to be white. i tried smiling at checkout girl and fumbled to find something to say that might make it right. the fatsos were behind me, so when i caught her eye, i rolled mine and leaned over and whispered "not all of us think that way."
lame i guess, but it was the best i could do. then in a loud voice in front of all of the other people in the line behind me i said "so, do you think we're gonna get some snow?"
she smiled and said, "i hope so! then i won't have to work!"
i said, "hey! i thought walmart stayed open 24 hours a day! they don't close for snow do they?"
she finished processing me and i looked at her and smiled and said "have a good one" and i smiled at her as best i could and strode away with my basket.
on my way out, i stopped two different people, both of them black, who were at the end of a long struggling line at checkout in the store. i told each of them to skip where they were and go to lawn and garden: shorter line. i did the same outside in the parking lot as i passed a black man headed in. it was the best i could think of to do to repair the damage.
i got home and watched the birds at the bird feeders on my back porch. there were just a few of them, a finch or too, a chickadee, no beautiful birds, just the nondescript ones. but along side them where the nasty squirrels, eating the food out from under the birds. the squirrels, bigger, larger, got access to the best sunflower seeds. the little birds get what is leftover. no matter how much i yell at the squirrels or bang on the glass door, they pretty much arrogantly ignore me, shuffle off slowly, only to leisurely come back to gorge themselves because i guess they think it is their right and privilege.
people in this community can sometimes be too much like those squirrels and birds. some of them are big and ugly, equally nondescript and useless, yet they somehow seem to rule in a superior manner. what use is a squirrel? what pleasure do they bring to the world? and then, there are some that might say that the less than beautiful birds, the little titmouses and dull sparrows and chickadees, why feed them? let's just feed the cardinals and the orioles and the red winged blackbirds...you know, the showy, fun birds.
the squirrels eat their fill, they flit away. the little birds bid their time, they return. they eat what they can, they don't fight much, but sometimes they hold their ground. they stay. they endure the crowding of the ugly squirrels. and i watch them, cheer for them.
i should have chased off the squirrels this morning, but i realized that the juice wasn't worth the squeeze. as my grandmother used to say, you can dress up a monkey, but you can't hide it's tail. those people were going to be racist, ignorant, ugly squirrels, and nothing i could say or do would change that. in a practical sense, speaking up would have only made the situation more volatile.
it didn't make me feel good, and i wish i had done more.
later on, i did. i called the walmart, asked for the manager. i got the one who ended up with the confrontation. i told her that for what it was worth, the kid didn't do anything wrong. i told her that the people accusing her had been provoking. i also told the manager to tell the kid that the white lady next in line had called to defend her.
the manager sounded tired and hurried. i could tell she didn't care, and the message was never going to make it back to that girl in lawn and garden. i also imagine checkout girl will likely be more resigned, more angry tonight. for her, i suspect this isn't the first time she has had some sort of encounter like this. maybe she is used to it. maybe not. in my case, i don't think i will ever get used to it...and maybe that is a good thing.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
we're fighting the civil war...again
as a person living in the south, it is hard to forget the civil war. i have lived here in richmond for years, literally in the places where people died, marched, slept, dreamed. my old house was situated right where a confederate encampment was and i was only yards from the main road where stonewall jackson marched. years ago i did research on my ancestors, finding out that 3 of the 4 great-great grandfathers were in the civil war. do i feel a huge affinity for the war, my confederate granddaddies? not that much. it was, as they say, history.
it's funny that as a descendant of confederate soldiers i don't feel some sort of pride/heritage thing, but the truth is, i didn't know them. they could have been wonderful, great people, or they could have been ignorant, cruel people. i didn't know them. my only connection to them is purely genetic. it is DNA. not stories, not things passed down like diaries, old rifles, watches, quilts. it's just tiny DNA samples, little cells. and that doesn't add up to much in the long run.
their civil war experience is no more impacting on me than the gene for allergy to cats or the tendency to have cholesterol. their contributions to who i am are not deep or far ranging. i don't know where these people are buried or the first thing about who they were in their own worlds. they are names from an archive, dates on a tombstone somewhere...and i don't know where some of them are.
given that thought, it isn't hard to see why i marvel at the ongoing tensions between what i refer to as the redneck right and the unforgiving blacks. in my school, there are 1500 kids. of those, maybe 100+ are black, and in our case, you are black if you are chinese, hispanic, native american or anything mixed in between. the rest of the student population is white with no distinguishing characteristics other than lighter skin color. the socio-economic level of most of the student population is middle class, including black and white. few of the students struggle from a financial standpoint, and few do without. we have very few taking advantage of any governmental supplements for lunch, and we have few who have had to live for any length of time in any poverty. they have so much more than any of our ancestors might have hoped for, so many advantages, so many more opportunities to live good, positive, happy lives. so what are they fighting over and so passionate about?
apparently, respect.
the problem is, how one side defines respect vs. the other leaves a lot to be misinterpreted. and neither side is willing to listen or even consider the other's complaints. we have apparently once again reached critical mass when it comes to lack of tolerance, and the war is on again.
someone somewhere must be laughing on the way to the bank over the sale of confederate flag bedecked t-shirts. there are more and more of them, cleverly disguised as "dixie outfitters" or things stereotypically redneck. they promote poker, hunting, mudbogging, souped up cars, rifles and any number of outdoor pursuits associated with the stereotype of a southern redneck. but somewhere on that shirt, small or large, will be that harbinger of controversy, the stars and bars. they have given to hiding or downsizing it in the montage of other things, but it is still there, sort of a little hidden heartbeat, and truth be known, that little flag is likely the most alluring part of the t-shirt, and a lot why the purchaser buys it. it means a lot of things to them, but mostly it is a defiant thing...
so what are you saying when you wear that shirt? according to my screaming, angry, camouflage dressed female student this morning, it isn't about racism, it is about HISTORY and black people need to get over it.
sure, it is history. yes, a war lost, and 20 years of brutal financial and political subservience to our northern brethren that history lightly refers to as RECONSTRUCTION. things were built back, but not what had been before, and that probably was not a bad thing. certainly, things needed to change. slavery is morally wrong. sometimes you have to burn down the structure and envision something new. the ideal would be to build that new vision on the ruins of the old one. you would think that we would be enthralled at the new thing we have built, but sometimes that is not what happens. too often there is a focus on the crumbling burned out foundations, the "what was" and the "why we lost it." that single minded focus it what prevents us from moving forward.
apparently one of the things reconstructed was a rooted hatred for all things yankee, and in many cases, black. not without some good reason. unfortunately, our northern liberators in many cases chose to punish southerners by reversing the roles of slaves and their former slaveholders. this was done mostly on an economic and political level, with heavy taxes levied against the landholders, taxes so high that many lost their lands. former confederate soldiers were not allowed in many cases to vote, and the only males left able to do so were either transplanted northerners or newly liberated and often vulnerable and gullible blacks. white people in some cases shamelessly used the newly liberated slave population as a weapon of punishment for the defeated southern whites. they got what they wanted, which was to punish, humiliate and belittle the loser. however, reconstruction could not last, and when the southern states finally were able to reclaim the running of their own dominion, blacks suffered. they were the ones left to take the brunt of the rebounded hatred. hence jim crow laws, segregation, the klu klux klan and the massive separation of the races.
and there it stayed, status quo, until the civil rights movement of the 1950's, which culminated in equality legally for blacks in the united states. note that i said LEGALLY. you can't legislate compassion or kindness or govern prejudice or hatred.
the war still rages on, just not on paper.
i am listening to a generation of young people whose minds are in my belief more confined and closed than those of people 50 years ago. i am perceiving that the attitude amongst whites then was not so much one of active dislike as it was more of a benevolent caretaker. blacks were considered inferior intellectually and every other way, and were to be pitied or felt sorry for. the attitude was one of superiority on all levels, a hard mindset to change.
but change it should. those arguments don't hold up anymore. and the reasons are complex and convoluted. the cultures have melded, yet divided. blacks have become more independent, more liberated from the status quo of whites, yet they still seem to be yearning to be part of a white world that simply will not let them join on equal footing. it is NOT equal, regardless of the what the law says. people are NOT more informed, despite the plethora of information sources. people are NOT more understanding, despite all outward attempts to bridge the gap and encourage tolerance for the differences in people.
we're back in the camps, deeply entrenched, guns at our sides to "defend" ourselves whenever there is a perceived threat to the "cause" we are defending. for the blacks, the "cause" is the right to be equal and the perception that they never will be. for this white minority of people, the "cause" is "history" or "heritage" and the knowledge that those clinging to that old chestnut are a shrinking minority. most americans are weary of the periodic resurrection of this old conflict and it's implications. but still there are those who are still unwilling, despite all of the information, to let go of this last vestige of ancestry. to them, to do so is just another defeat. so they celebrate a loss 140 years later, and revel it it. they wear the stars and bars like some mantel of honor and defy anyone to disagree. the world disagrees for the most part, but no one seems to feel the need to just let them go and wave their flags. consider this. if they get no audience and no one cares, wouldn't it seem logical that the continued pursuit of this outmoded way of thinking would just start to look ridiculous? consider what happens when the klu klux klan, in their small numbers, march and chant. who doesn't look at them and almost feel embarrassed for them? such displays of public ignorance ought to provoke a kind of pity instead of anger. anyone willing to display themselves in this way is way beyond being sensible or even smart. they are simply stupid and embarrassing.
but many black people aren't seeing that they could win by letting these ignoramuses flaunt how stupid they are. they still see these ingrates as being powerful. they get their power, my black friends, when you give it to them. my black students are sensitive to this confederate flag and N-word form of "disrespect" and will react on instinct at anything they perceive as a threat to their quest for equality. to them, the flag represents everything that has kept them "down" and unable to achieve. it is both a catalyst and an excuse for both action and inaction. action comes in the forms of fights, petitions, name calling, deliberate acts of pushiness and offensiveness that they know will irritate some whites. in a school situation, this type of passive/active behavior comes in the form of cutting in lunch lines, talking loudly, blocking stairwells or lanes of passages in the halls, things that many whites object to because they aren't socially correct in the white world. in a black world, this behavior isn't a problem. and, truth be known, if the shoe were on the other foot, a white person doing any of these things in a predominantly black school would not be tolerated. white kids are not going to provoke because they believe there will be an action, and it won't be one they will profit from. however, our black students know that many whites struggle with this combined sense of guilt and fear. they don't like what they see some black kids doing, but they are intimidated and just internally fester and let it happen. or not. the extreme redneck kid fights back with the biggest weapon...they call the blacks "niggers" and prepare to fight...and fight you get. the n-word is the heavy duty grenade guaranteed to injure still.
i have spent my last 24 hours talking in vain to kids that appear set on a course where no one wins. it tell them that the history of this conflict shows that every time this battle begins, it ends in an ugly draw. blacks are no more equal or liberated. whites are less likely to take off their confederate t-shirts; in fact, they are more likely to buy one just to pour salt in the wound. blacks are less likely to discontinue their demands or curtail some of the perceived provoking behavior. more likely, there will be more joining in the lunch line cutting, more standing shoulder to shoulder to block a travelled hall, more talking loudly and doing what they want to do with more abandon. and the war rages on...
and both sides breed the seeds of discontent, both physically and emotionally, and the little specs of DNA from those displaced slaves and dirt poor farmers become more diluted, generation by generation. but their nameless, faceless forms grow more in stature hundreds of years later. the fly specs of DNA become the concrete foundations of something growing beyond what they ever were or could have been in their own lifetimes or culture. what has arisen from those old ashes of history is another house, another statue, and it in many ways is not an improvement over what was lost. it just a more complex, convoluted house with no clear passageways, no open doors or windows. a place that is a fortress and uninviting, intimidating and ugly, solid and divisive.
it's funny that as a descendant of confederate soldiers i don't feel some sort of pride/heritage thing, but the truth is, i didn't know them. they could have been wonderful, great people, or they could have been ignorant, cruel people. i didn't know them. my only connection to them is purely genetic. it is DNA. not stories, not things passed down like diaries, old rifles, watches, quilts. it's just tiny DNA samples, little cells. and that doesn't add up to much in the long run.
their civil war experience is no more impacting on me than the gene for allergy to cats or the tendency to have cholesterol. their contributions to who i am are not deep or far ranging. i don't know where these people are buried or the first thing about who they were in their own worlds. they are names from an archive, dates on a tombstone somewhere...and i don't know where some of them are.
given that thought, it isn't hard to see why i marvel at the ongoing tensions between what i refer to as the redneck right and the unforgiving blacks. in my school, there are 1500 kids. of those, maybe 100+ are black, and in our case, you are black if you are chinese, hispanic, native american or anything mixed in between. the rest of the student population is white with no distinguishing characteristics other than lighter skin color. the socio-economic level of most of the student population is middle class, including black and white. few of the students struggle from a financial standpoint, and few do without. we have very few taking advantage of any governmental supplements for lunch, and we have few who have had to live for any length of time in any poverty. they have so much more than any of our ancestors might have hoped for, so many advantages, so many more opportunities to live good, positive, happy lives. so what are they fighting over and so passionate about?
apparently, respect.
the problem is, how one side defines respect vs. the other leaves a lot to be misinterpreted. and neither side is willing to listen or even consider the other's complaints. we have apparently once again reached critical mass when it comes to lack of tolerance, and the war is on again.
someone somewhere must be laughing on the way to the bank over the sale of confederate flag bedecked t-shirts. there are more and more of them, cleverly disguised as "dixie outfitters" or things stereotypically redneck. they promote poker, hunting, mudbogging, souped up cars, rifles and any number of outdoor pursuits associated with the stereotype of a southern redneck. but somewhere on that shirt, small or large, will be that harbinger of controversy, the stars and bars. they have given to hiding or downsizing it in the montage of other things, but it is still there, sort of a little hidden heartbeat, and truth be known, that little flag is likely the most alluring part of the t-shirt, and a lot why the purchaser buys it. it means a lot of things to them, but mostly it is a defiant thing...
so what are you saying when you wear that shirt? according to my screaming, angry, camouflage dressed female student this morning, it isn't about racism, it is about HISTORY and black people need to get over it.
sure, it is history. yes, a war lost, and 20 years of brutal financial and political subservience to our northern brethren that history lightly refers to as RECONSTRUCTION. things were built back, but not what had been before, and that probably was not a bad thing. certainly, things needed to change. slavery is morally wrong. sometimes you have to burn down the structure and envision something new. the ideal would be to build that new vision on the ruins of the old one. you would think that we would be enthralled at the new thing we have built, but sometimes that is not what happens. too often there is a focus on the crumbling burned out foundations, the "what was" and the "why we lost it." that single minded focus it what prevents us from moving forward.
apparently one of the things reconstructed was a rooted hatred for all things yankee, and in many cases, black. not without some good reason. unfortunately, our northern liberators in many cases chose to punish southerners by reversing the roles of slaves and their former slaveholders. this was done mostly on an economic and political level, with heavy taxes levied against the landholders, taxes so high that many lost their lands. former confederate soldiers were not allowed in many cases to vote, and the only males left able to do so were either transplanted northerners or newly liberated and often vulnerable and gullible blacks. white people in some cases shamelessly used the newly liberated slave population as a weapon of punishment for the defeated southern whites. they got what they wanted, which was to punish, humiliate and belittle the loser. however, reconstruction could not last, and when the southern states finally were able to reclaim the running of their own dominion, blacks suffered. they were the ones left to take the brunt of the rebounded hatred. hence jim crow laws, segregation, the klu klux klan and the massive separation of the races.
and there it stayed, status quo, until the civil rights movement of the 1950's, which culminated in equality legally for blacks in the united states. note that i said LEGALLY. you can't legislate compassion or kindness or govern prejudice or hatred.
the war still rages on, just not on paper.
i am listening to a generation of young people whose minds are in my belief more confined and closed than those of people 50 years ago. i am perceiving that the attitude amongst whites then was not so much one of active dislike as it was more of a benevolent caretaker. blacks were considered inferior intellectually and every other way, and were to be pitied or felt sorry for. the attitude was one of superiority on all levels, a hard mindset to change.
but change it should. those arguments don't hold up anymore. and the reasons are complex and convoluted. the cultures have melded, yet divided. blacks have become more independent, more liberated from the status quo of whites, yet they still seem to be yearning to be part of a white world that simply will not let them join on equal footing. it is NOT equal, regardless of the what the law says. people are NOT more informed, despite the plethora of information sources. people are NOT more understanding, despite all outward attempts to bridge the gap and encourage tolerance for the differences in people.
we're back in the camps, deeply entrenched, guns at our sides to "defend" ourselves whenever there is a perceived threat to the "cause" we are defending. for the blacks, the "cause" is the right to be equal and the perception that they never will be. for this white minority of people, the "cause" is "history" or "heritage" and the knowledge that those clinging to that old chestnut are a shrinking minority. most americans are weary of the periodic resurrection of this old conflict and it's implications. but still there are those who are still unwilling, despite all of the information, to let go of this last vestige of ancestry. to them, to do so is just another defeat. so they celebrate a loss 140 years later, and revel it it. they wear the stars and bars like some mantel of honor and defy anyone to disagree. the world disagrees for the most part, but no one seems to feel the need to just let them go and wave their flags. consider this. if they get no audience and no one cares, wouldn't it seem logical that the continued pursuit of this outmoded way of thinking would just start to look ridiculous? consider what happens when the klu klux klan, in their small numbers, march and chant. who doesn't look at them and almost feel embarrassed for them? such displays of public ignorance ought to provoke a kind of pity instead of anger. anyone willing to display themselves in this way is way beyond being sensible or even smart. they are simply stupid and embarrassing.
but many black people aren't seeing that they could win by letting these ignoramuses flaunt how stupid they are. they still see these ingrates as being powerful. they get their power, my black friends, when you give it to them. my black students are sensitive to this confederate flag and N-word form of "disrespect" and will react on instinct at anything they perceive as a threat to their quest for equality. to them, the flag represents everything that has kept them "down" and unable to achieve. it is both a catalyst and an excuse for both action and inaction. action comes in the forms of fights, petitions, name calling, deliberate acts of pushiness and offensiveness that they know will irritate some whites. in a school situation, this type of passive/active behavior comes in the form of cutting in lunch lines, talking loudly, blocking stairwells or lanes of passages in the halls, things that many whites object to because they aren't socially correct in the white world. in a black world, this behavior isn't a problem. and, truth be known, if the shoe were on the other foot, a white person doing any of these things in a predominantly black school would not be tolerated. white kids are not going to provoke because they believe there will be an action, and it won't be one they will profit from. however, our black students know that many whites struggle with this combined sense of guilt and fear. they don't like what they see some black kids doing, but they are intimidated and just internally fester and let it happen. or not. the extreme redneck kid fights back with the biggest weapon...they call the blacks "niggers" and prepare to fight...and fight you get. the n-word is the heavy duty grenade guaranteed to injure still.
i have spent my last 24 hours talking in vain to kids that appear set on a course where no one wins. it tell them that the history of this conflict shows that every time this battle begins, it ends in an ugly draw. blacks are no more equal or liberated. whites are less likely to take off their confederate t-shirts; in fact, they are more likely to buy one just to pour salt in the wound. blacks are less likely to discontinue their demands or curtail some of the perceived provoking behavior. more likely, there will be more joining in the lunch line cutting, more standing shoulder to shoulder to block a travelled hall, more talking loudly and doing what they want to do with more abandon. and the war rages on...
and both sides breed the seeds of discontent, both physically and emotionally, and the little specs of DNA from those displaced slaves and dirt poor farmers become more diluted, generation by generation. but their nameless, faceless forms grow more in stature hundreds of years later. the fly specs of DNA become the concrete foundations of something growing beyond what they ever were or could have been in their own lifetimes or culture. what has arisen from those old ashes of history is another house, another statue, and it in many ways is not an improvement over what was lost. it just a more complex, convoluted house with no clear passageways, no open doors or windows. a place that is a fortress and uninviting, intimidating and ugly, solid and divisive.
Friday, December 28, 2007
home on the range....
i have enjoyed being home by myself the last couple of days. i slept a lot the day after xmas, not getting up until 11 a.m. as a matter of fact, i am not even sure i got dressed that day. i know for sure i did not leave the house.
i have puttered around, listened to a lot of cds, and watched a few movies. i have also gotten caught up at least on the paper version of the ny times sunday editions that have been hanging around in a pile by my bed. i am now going to work on the magazines that go with the tabloids. i am also reading patti boyd's autobiography WONDERFUL TONIGHT about her life with george harrison and eric clapton. fluff reading, but ok. i just finished SAVAGES by bill pronzini, and prior to that RHETT BUTLER'S PEOPLE, which is the officially licensed prequel to GONE WITH THE WIND. also ripped through the newest clive cussler book, THE CHASE, and have a few left on the floor for me to read.
it rained the first day home, and is raining now. has gotten colder, and that is fine with me. i have done a lot of cooking for no one in particular and mostly i am giving it away. i fixed chilli for meg and her brood, a ham, potato salad, beef ribs in the oven with potatoes and wine sauce, a lot of coffee, and bread. took food to bruce and amy next door and i wish i could get rid of the tons of sweets in this house. austin is at bebo's and doesn't seem to be headed home anytime soon, so it is all just sitting around here. i bought the stuff to make borscht, as terre asked me if i was going to make it, but then, after i bought all the stuff, she called and said she was too busy this weekend with other things. sigh. i don't know if i will make it or not this weekend. we'll see.
i went out to pad thai restaurant with brenda davis for dinner tonight and that was nice. pam and her mother came by last night and we exchanged xmas presents. she gave me a calendar for 2008 with pictures on it from our trip as well as some lotion and a scrubby thing for the shower. i gave her lotion and stuff for the shower as well and a copy of WILD HOGS the movie, but she already had gotten it for taylor for xmas, so i ended up with it back to me. i went online tonight and made her a calendar for herself with pictures from last year as well.
i don't have any other plans other than i would like to get to work on some jewelry stuff, but the time has been right yet. i am cleaning up around the house, and have had some problems with the garbage disposal today being clogged. i am hoping that the draino i put in there will resolve the issue. otherwise, i will have to fetch bruce to come and save me from my plumbing disaster. i took him a 6 pack of beer today along with the food, so maybe he will be amiable. amy's grandmother died xmas day and she flew to dallas yesterday for the funeral. she will be back tomorrow night and i told bruce i would pick her up.
with the exception of my brother's meltdown, xmas has been fine. everyone got along fine and there has been way too much food. my kitchen table is piled up with all sorts of stuff to cook with, all the baking things. i think i need to finish off whatever baking i am going to do tomorrow and put it all back.
one thing that i have enjoyed is watching my little birds. i put bread crumbs out there for them, and it has been titmouses and finches. i saw my first cardinal today, and of course, that fucking squirrel. nothing i can do about him. he doesn't even scare easily. i hate a damned squirrel...
i have puttered around, listened to a lot of cds, and watched a few movies. i have also gotten caught up at least on the paper version of the ny times sunday editions that have been hanging around in a pile by my bed. i am now going to work on the magazines that go with the tabloids. i am also reading patti boyd's autobiography WONDERFUL TONIGHT about her life with george harrison and eric clapton. fluff reading, but ok. i just finished SAVAGES by bill pronzini, and prior to that RHETT BUTLER'S PEOPLE, which is the officially licensed prequel to GONE WITH THE WIND. also ripped through the newest clive cussler book, THE CHASE, and have a few left on the floor for me to read.
it rained the first day home, and is raining now. has gotten colder, and that is fine with me. i have done a lot of cooking for no one in particular and mostly i am giving it away. i fixed chilli for meg and her brood, a ham, potato salad, beef ribs in the oven with potatoes and wine sauce, a lot of coffee, and bread. took food to bruce and amy next door and i wish i could get rid of the tons of sweets in this house. austin is at bebo's and doesn't seem to be headed home anytime soon, so it is all just sitting around here. i bought the stuff to make borscht, as terre asked me if i was going to make it, but then, after i bought all the stuff, she called and said she was too busy this weekend with other things. sigh. i don't know if i will make it or not this weekend. we'll see.
i went out to pad thai restaurant with brenda davis for dinner tonight and that was nice. pam and her mother came by last night and we exchanged xmas presents. she gave me a calendar for 2008 with pictures on it from our trip as well as some lotion and a scrubby thing for the shower. i gave her lotion and stuff for the shower as well and a copy of WILD HOGS the movie, but she already had gotten it for taylor for xmas, so i ended up with it back to me. i went online tonight and made her a calendar for herself with pictures from last year as well.
i don't have any other plans other than i would like to get to work on some jewelry stuff, but the time has been right yet. i am cleaning up around the house, and have had some problems with the garbage disposal today being clogged. i am hoping that the draino i put in there will resolve the issue. otherwise, i will have to fetch bruce to come and save me from my plumbing disaster. i took him a 6 pack of beer today along with the food, so maybe he will be amiable. amy's grandmother died xmas day and she flew to dallas yesterday for the funeral. she will be back tomorrow night and i told bruce i would pick her up.
with the exception of my brother's meltdown, xmas has been fine. everyone got along fine and there has been way too much food. my kitchen table is piled up with all sorts of stuff to cook with, all the baking things. i think i need to finish off whatever baking i am going to do tomorrow and put it all back.
one thing that i have enjoyed is watching my little birds. i put bread crumbs out there for them, and it has been titmouses and finches. i saw my first cardinal today, and of course, that fucking squirrel. nothing i can do about him. he doesn't even scare easily. i hate a damned squirrel...
Foxhole Report 2007 - Friendly Fire
it always comes in from somewhere, that grenade of yore...
never where you expect it from, christmas is never a bore
you think and you ponder, and hunker down low
but your never prepared for the size of the blow...
and the winner this year is.....MY BROTHER! who went mental over buying matchbox cars for the kids of the cousins. and even a week later, i STILL have no clue what caused him to go over the edge, short of my only explanation...the medicine isn't working...
never where you expect it from, christmas is never a bore
you think and you ponder, and hunker down low
but your never prepared for the size of the blow...
and the winner this year is.....MY BROTHER! who went mental over buying matchbox cars for the kids of the cousins. and even a week later, i STILL have no clue what caused him to go over the edge, short of my only explanation...the medicine isn't working...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
a cold, a fried house, a fried computer...
home on a saturday afternoon, sniffling with a cold and feeling like i have been run over by a truck...but that is normal for me anyway....
once more, electrical nuttiness has occurred. more fried outlets, more electrical irritations. the outside GFI isn't working and apparently it is wired in some funky way under the house. in any case, it needs to be rewired in a way that puts it into the breaker box and at least accessible. the problem is that it is xmas, when i want my lights up and shining. so far, this has been a bust. but...they are coming monday to hopefully correct the problem. i have now been told where the reset button is in the house (the bathroom receptacle), so i can get to some of it.
got up early this morning and hit the walmart to take back the angel tree clothing i bought last weekend. there was a glitch in the pickup, and my angel's stuff didn't get delivered. i tried to find someone that the clothing could go to, but wasn't able to. so i just took it back. also went and vaccumed my car and did armor all inside and cleaned the dashboard stuff. i felt pretty good about that. moved the old computer downstairs and managed to figure out how to get it to work. don't have much other than internet, as i haven't been able to get a microsoft program to load up, but at least i can get to the internet. the big computer is in the shop for a diagnostic, as it wasn't allowing the monitor to hook up. looks like it is a fan/overheating problem. hopefully, i won't have to replace it. all of this started with the purchase of a video card for austin's xmas present which did not work. i am going to now have to send that back and replace it with the proper one.
other things on my list today are to clean up the spots on my carpets and cook some stuff for meg and myself.
i am writing all of this boring stuff down because it isn't boring to me. it is possibilities, ones that i haven't had for a long time b/c i have felt so crappy. i am feeling better and more energetic right now, and i want to be able to remember that.
once more, electrical nuttiness has occurred. more fried outlets, more electrical irritations. the outside GFI isn't working and apparently it is wired in some funky way under the house. in any case, it needs to be rewired in a way that puts it into the breaker box and at least accessible. the problem is that it is xmas, when i want my lights up and shining. so far, this has been a bust. but...they are coming monday to hopefully correct the problem. i have now been told where the reset button is in the house (the bathroom receptacle), so i can get to some of it.
got up early this morning and hit the walmart to take back the angel tree clothing i bought last weekend. there was a glitch in the pickup, and my angel's stuff didn't get delivered. i tried to find someone that the clothing could go to, but wasn't able to. so i just took it back. also went and vaccumed my car and did armor all inside and cleaned the dashboard stuff. i felt pretty good about that. moved the old computer downstairs and managed to figure out how to get it to work. don't have much other than internet, as i haven't been able to get a microsoft program to load up, but at least i can get to the internet. the big computer is in the shop for a diagnostic, as it wasn't allowing the monitor to hook up. looks like it is a fan/overheating problem. hopefully, i won't have to replace it. all of this started with the purchase of a video card for austin's xmas present which did not work. i am going to now have to send that back and replace it with the proper one.
other things on my list today are to clean up the spots on my carpets and cook some stuff for meg and myself.
i am writing all of this boring stuff down because it isn't boring to me. it is possibilities, ones that i haven't had for a long time b/c i have felt so crappy. i am feeling better and more energetic right now, and i want to be able to remember that.
Monday, December 3, 2007
feeling better
it has been a long time since i actually felt pretty good. i would define "pretty good" as having a minimum of pain and actually have enough energy to want to do something. with fibromyalgia, every day is an adventure in something.
so when i started to actually have a bit of energy last week, it really enervated me. i went out and did stuff that seems normal to most people, but was a big deal to me. there were a lot of little nagging things that needed to be done, and i did them. just for me, i am going to list them here, because i want to be able to go back and remember this when i am feeling not so good and not so motivated.
on friday i went to the courthouse and got my county sticker for the car. i also went to the dmv and transferred the vanity plate from the van to the kia. i went to wawa and got a shorti. i went to b.j.'s and did some slow xmas shopping. i bought a wireless keyboard for my computer in my room. i talked to the nationwide people about getting the electricity done on my shed, which has been hanging over me since august. i made cd's for mj and mailed them. i think i slept through most of the night.
on saturday i got up regular time and went to cosco. i made a bunch of cd's for gifts on saturday night. i went to wawa and got a cup of coffee. i watched the tech/boston college game on tv. i filled up the front pond with water. i pulled weeds out of the front flower bed, which had been there since the end of the summer. i took out the trash. i listened to xmas music. i actually watched a movie ("Annapolis") i didn't just lay in front of the tv and watch mindless television because i just couldn't do much more. i slept pretty well i think, even though i didn't go to bed until after 2 am.
on sunday i went to the store and bought some things to cook. i had bought chocolate candy for a christmas project that brenda davis was doing with the mentally disabled and took it to them. i drove around in the country and didn't go straight home. i read the richmond paper. i took out the trash again. i cooked chili, a pasta salad and kale. i cleaned the counters and emptied the dishwasher. i did two loads of laundry and folded them. i installed the new keyboard on my computer and tried to install windows, but it wouldn't go, so i quit (i will have to get it from school and install it at home.) i got amy and we went down to the pond and pulled john's lime green wading pool out of the pond where it has resided since fourth of july weekend. i made chicago hot dogs for lunch and then took two to amy and bruce. i changed the linens on my bed and folded up the big load of laundry that had been sitting in my room. i also cleaned out the bathroom closet and rearranged it and i checked two strings of xmas lights and pulled off the good lights when it was determined that half of each string was bad.
this stuff means nothing to anyone but me. but it means a lot. it gives me some hope. i had pretty much decided after months and months of feeling listless and pained that this was what it was going to be. it is nice to be reminded that it doesn't always have to be this way. it is nice to get a glimpse of things that is different.
i went to wawa today and found 4 angel pennies. i am not alone.
so when i started to actually have a bit of energy last week, it really enervated me. i went out and did stuff that seems normal to most people, but was a big deal to me. there were a lot of little nagging things that needed to be done, and i did them. just for me, i am going to list them here, because i want to be able to go back and remember this when i am feeling not so good and not so motivated.
on friday i went to the courthouse and got my county sticker for the car. i also went to the dmv and transferred the vanity plate from the van to the kia. i went to wawa and got a shorti. i went to b.j.'s and did some slow xmas shopping. i bought a wireless keyboard for my computer in my room. i talked to the nationwide people about getting the electricity done on my shed, which has been hanging over me since august. i made cd's for mj and mailed them. i think i slept through most of the night.
on saturday i got up regular time and went to cosco. i made a bunch of cd's for gifts on saturday night. i went to wawa and got a cup of coffee. i watched the tech/boston college game on tv. i filled up the front pond with water. i pulled weeds out of the front flower bed, which had been there since the end of the summer. i took out the trash. i listened to xmas music. i actually watched a movie ("Annapolis") i didn't just lay in front of the tv and watch mindless television because i just couldn't do much more. i slept pretty well i think, even though i didn't go to bed until after 2 am.
on sunday i went to the store and bought some things to cook. i had bought chocolate candy for a christmas project that brenda davis was doing with the mentally disabled and took it to them. i drove around in the country and didn't go straight home. i read the richmond paper. i took out the trash again. i cooked chili, a pasta salad and kale. i cleaned the counters and emptied the dishwasher. i did two loads of laundry and folded them. i installed the new keyboard on my computer and tried to install windows, but it wouldn't go, so i quit (i will have to get it from school and install it at home.) i got amy and we went down to the pond and pulled john's lime green wading pool out of the pond where it has resided since fourth of july weekend. i made chicago hot dogs for lunch and then took two to amy and bruce. i changed the linens on my bed and folded up the big load of laundry that had been sitting in my room. i also cleaned out the bathroom closet and rearranged it and i checked two strings of xmas lights and pulled off the good lights when it was determined that half of each string was bad.
this stuff means nothing to anyone but me. but it means a lot. it gives me some hope. i had pretty much decided after months and months of feeling listless and pained that this was what it was going to be. it is nice to be reminded that it doesn't always have to be this way. it is nice to get a glimpse of things that is different.
i went to wawa today and found 4 angel pennies. i am not alone.
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