hitler's birthday; the 10th anniversary of the columbine high school tragedy; 420, the national smoke pot and get high day...and austin's birthday...17 years ago tonight i was finally giving birth after 44 hours of ineffectual labor, 3 shifts of doctors and everyone doing all sorts of things while waiting for austin to pop out! meg went out and bought a car, and bebo went out and got a pizza. i listened to stevie ray vaughn while my 2nd epidural was running out...
at 7 a.m. amy thurston came to give austin his birthday gift. like last year, she had made a poster for his birthday saying "happy 17th austin" and she taped it to the glass of the front door. the difference, which made me cry, was that this year she signed it "your friend, amy thurston." that makes me cry. i don't know WHY, but it does. she gave austin 2 pairs of sunglasses, which he needs, and he said he wanted to hug her, but he couldn't. i tried to explain to him that that would have been appropriate, but he said no. boys are stupid. he did talk to her and thanked her for what she had done for him. she is trying really hard to be his friend. i hope he gets his head out of his ass before it is too late...
one of my former students from Atlee, bilal qureshi, came to school and spoke to two of my classes and 2 mass comm classes. he is currently a reporter and producer for NPR in d.c. i was impressed by what he did and how much he has matured since the last time i saw him. it is all coming together for him now. i am hoping that i can go up to d.c. one day this summer and see what he does at NPR. he seemed to really like that idea and i am hoping it will work out. he is doing my dream job, and i would love an opportunity to see how that works. he is hoping to start working on directing films, and is going to contact a director through a friend he knows to see if that person would be interested in hiring him. that is where he wants to go, and i think he has the talent to do that. certainly, he does have the drive.
we went for the results of austin's MRI and he did have a small tear in the labrum in his left hip, which was a surprise, but the bottom line was that dr. davis thought he should just continue to play baseball until it hurt him to the point of needing something done with it. he didn't think there was much point of doing anything now as long as it wasn't bothering him. austin also asked him to check his shoulder. he did an xray on it, and checked it and talked to austin about it. bottom line on that one is that it could be a strain, it could be a tear in the labrum in the shoulder or a strap muscle tear. but he said doing an MRI or a CAT scan on it would be inconclusive, and like the hip, he should throw when he wanted to and when it didn't hurt. but he also said that austin has to see a pitching coach because if he doesn't start using his legs and body when pitching, he is going to tear up the arm. so austin has weaknesses in the arm and hips, but nothing at this point to stop him from playing. he suggested physical therapy on the arm and they are trying to set that up.
i went and got an ice cream cake from dairy queen for his birthday, and austin, bebo, kitty, terre mark and i went to akita where they pigged out on sushi. bebo has bought speakers and a new tape deck for austin's car. i gave him a wawa gift card with gas on it, and i finally gave him the book i had been writing for him for the last 5 years. it is called WHAT WOMEN WANT, AND MEN ARE TOO GENETICALLY CLUELESS TO UNDERSTAND. i found a lucky penny and taped it to the folder i put it in and i also put $30 on the sonic card that mom and dad gave him for his birthday.
there have been a lot of things swirling in the universe to think about today.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
a productive day!
i am going to write down what i did today, because i accomplished a lot, and that doesn't often happen for me.
i got up at a reasonable hour, having not gone to bed until 3 a.m. i stayed up late to finish reading CORSAIR by clive cussler. last night was the henrico-atlee baseball game, which was horrifying to watch in its frustration. however, austin managed to hit his first walk off homerun, and won the game for them, 9-8. someone threw the ball back and austin did get it. it was the first time he had had a walk off home run. based upon the coaching and the playing, we did NOT deserve to win, that is for sure. i have come to the conclusion that i don't enjoy watching high school baseball anymore. it is more frustrating than pleasurable. last night austin was supposed to pitch. instead, they kept the pitcher in the whole game, even though he was horrible, hit 5 kids and walked 6 and was getting smacked around. plus the coach managed to get himself ejected from the game, and he didn't go easily and generally made an ass of himself.
i went to facebook this morning and mj and gregg were one, so we talked about silly stuff from high school for probably over and hour. too bad we couldn't get a 3 way conversation going, but i don't think you can do that with IM.
after i finished on facebook, i called in my BP refill and headed out to the shed to see if ron had fixed the lawn tractor. he had. so i mowed the yard. i tried to weed wack, but the batteries weren't holding a charge. i took the time to empty the cat pans and wash them out and i filled the fountain pond at the same time. i went along the front walk and scraped up the mulch and dirt that had grown across the concrete. i couldn't get the push mower started, so some of the stuff didn't happen. i did finish most of the weed wacking and then i went to get my drugs at cvs and then to the new lowes. i had not been in there before, and it is pretty big and has a lot more stuff than home depot it seems, but it is more expensive there. i bought some marked down pansies, and some brick pavers to line the walk. the mulch gets over the bricks and on the concrete, so i am thinking i will put these down to keep the bed in place. if that doesn't look right, i will put them along the edge of the front bed near the street.
after i ate the taco bell that i got and talked to uncle jack on the phone, i watched a couple of CSI MIAMI episodes that i had taped, and then i went back outside to work. i also bought a headset to put on when you are mowing the lawn, and it has an ipod hookup, so i put on my garden gloves, got out the weed killer and then did the entire yard, including down around the willow tree, the street and the driveway. amy next door helped me move the nordic track into the SF room. i sat on the steps after i finished with the weed spraying and glued back the pink swan ceramic planter that used to be doris', but got broken. i sat in the rocking chair, watched spiders spin and some bats and birds fly around and listened to the ipod while i rocked, sort of a soundtrack to sunset! the partridges came by and showed me the frog and the turtle in the pond in front. the only things i didn't get to today were running the carpet cleaner in the front room and weeding the back two above ground garden beds. i filled the bird feeders and thought about going up to pam's to work on the upside down tomato planters, but it was a fleeting thought. i cooked asparagus for lunch and one of the cats nabbed one. what a weird thing for cats to eat!
i need to take a bath and go to bed. i am not hurting all that bad and i have had a lot more energy today than i have had in awhile. my back is still tender, but i am trying to make sure i don't push things too much. tomorrow austin and i are going to the beach to visit the 'rents.
i got up at a reasonable hour, having not gone to bed until 3 a.m. i stayed up late to finish reading CORSAIR by clive cussler. last night was the henrico-atlee baseball game, which was horrifying to watch in its frustration. however, austin managed to hit his first walk off homerun, and won the game for them, 9-8. someone threw the ball back and austin did get it. it was the first time he had had a walk off home run. based upon the coaching and the playing, we did NOT deserve to win, that is for sure. i have come to the conclusion that i don't enjoy watching high school baseball anymore. it is more frustrating than pleasurable. last night austin was supposed to pitch. instead, they kept the pitcher in the whole game, even though he was horrible, hit 5 kids and walked 6 and was getting smacked around. plus the coach managed to get himself ejected from the game, and he didn't go easily and generally made an ass of himself.
i went to facebook this morning and mj and gregg were one, so we talked about silly stuff from high school for probably over and hour. too bad we couldn't get a 3 way conversation going, but i don't think you can do that with IM.
after i finished on facebook, i called in my BP refill and headed out to the shed to see if ron had fixed the lawn tractor. he had. so i mowed the yard. i tried to weed wack, but the batteries weren't holding a charge. i took the time to empty the cat pans and wash them out and i filled the fountain pond at the same time. i went along the front walk and scraped up the mulch and dirt that had grown across the concrete. i couldn't get the push mower started, so some of the stuff didn't happen. i did finish most of the weed wacking and then i went to get my drugs at cvs and then to the new lowes. i had not been in there before, and it is pretty big and has a lot more stuff than home depot it seems, but it is more expensive there. i bought some marked down pansies, and some brick pavers to line the walk. the mulch gets over the bricks and on the concrete, so i am thinking i will put these down to keep the bed in place. if that doesn't look right, i will put them along the edge of the front bed near the street.
after i ate the taco bell that i got and talked to uncle jack on the phone, i watched a couple of CSI MIAMI episodes that i had taped, and then i went back outside to work. i also bought a headset to put on when you are mowing the lawn, and it has an ipod hookup, so i put on my garden gloves, got out the weed killer and then did the entire yard, including down around the willow tree, the street and the driveway. amy next door helped me move the nordic track into the SF room. i sat on the steps after i finished with the weed spraying and glued back the pink swan ceramic planter that used to be doris', but got broken. i sat in the rocking chair, watched spiders spin and some bats and birds fly around and listened to the ipod while i rocked, sort of a soundtrack to sunset! the partridges came by and showed me the frog and the turtle in the pond in front. the only things i didn't get to today were running the carpet cleaner in the front room and weeding the back two above ground garden beds. i filled the bird feeders and thought about going up to pam's to work on the upside down tomato planters, but it was a fleeting thought. i cooked asparagus for lunch and one of the cats nabbed one. what a weird thing for cats to eat!
i need to take a bath and go to bed. i am not hurting all that bad and i have had a lot more energy today than i have had in awhile. my back is still tender, but i am trying to make sure i don't push things too much. tomorrow austin and i are going to the beach to visit the 'rents.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
endings and then transitions...
it has been weeks now that austin has been agonizing over what to do about his relationship with amy. last night, he told her he wanted to break up, and he went to her house to do that.
she didn't understand, as he knew she wouldn't. she kept thinking she had done something wrong, which she really hadn't. he had no explanation for her, or anyone else for that matter. he doesn't really know anything other than he doesn't feel the same about her. he has never had a girlfriend before her, and they have been together for 18 months. he, too, was her first big love. with high school kids, you have to expect that they will break up, but no matter what, you are never quite ready for the change.
he called me after he did it, driving in the car away from her place. he was just sobbing and sobbing, saying he didn't want to hurt her, that she hadn't done anything wrong and he still had to hurt her, that she didn't understand. he didn't get his ring back, which means he will have to see her. i couldn't help him. what do you say? it would have been a lot easier if i had allowed him to text her or do it over the phone, but i told him that he owed her that much after all this time. it wouldn't have been as hard for him i don't think, but in life, you have to look people in the eyes and not avoid personal confrontation.
we went to dinner last night at the pad thai place, a place he took her for dinner many times, with her family some, without her family. yesterday the lanyard she had given him that he has been using for his keys broke, and there were other things that happened in the course of the last couple of days that involved things breaking. he commented that he thought it was symbolic and intentional. that is the first time i have ever heard him look at life that way. usually, he avoids any mention of fate or karma. he says he doesn't believe in angel pennies. maybe he does after all...
as i am writing this, he is with bebo on his way to lumberton, n.c. to take mae back to the south carolina relatives. last night he said all he wanted to do was to get home. he was crying so hard that i thought he might wreck, and asked him to pull to the side, but he said no, he just wanted to get to his dad's house. i called bebo and told him what was going on and to not push him to talk or give advice.
there is no nice way to hurt someone. there is no magic fix, no cure, nothing but time that takes down the level of pain, on both sides. i know he has been confused and upset and dreading this, and putting it off. he says he has wanted to do it for 4 months, and that is probably true. i have certainly seen a lessening of his desire to be with her, and even in his seeing her at all. the only explanation he has been able to give is that she needs to mature and "take the training wheels off" which is probably true. she has been a lot sheltered, and he says that he has babied her for a long time, and now he is tired of it and doesn't want to do it. his anger over that i guess has killed his feelings for her. how do you tell someone to grow up? you can't. he may have added to his problem by NOT fighting with her or telling her what he was fed up over, but even then, he didn't want to hurt her.
he didn't get the ring back, which means he will have to see her again. maybe by then enough time will have passed that he can face her. right now, i dread the next week. i feel pretty inadequate as a parent, not able to say or do the right things. i guess the best is to just do nothing, because that seems to be what he wants to do. he has been awful to live with, and i have been the punching bag and the recipient of his misguided anger. i have finally had to confront him and be mean back, in that he just hasn't gotten it. i understand that you take things out on the people you are closest too, and yesterday i think he finally got that and did talk to me about it at dinner. i just tried to listen. i had told him yesterday morning that upon thinking about it, i don't feel he ever really gave her a chance to grow up. he wouldn't take her around his friends, he decided she would be uncomfortable or she would make them uncomfortable. he didn't give her any chance to "take off the training wheels" because HE decided it wouldn't work ahead of time. how would she ever be able to mature at all if not put in situations that required it? granted, she has been wrapped in cotton batting by her family AND austin, but someone had to push her out of the nest, and unfortunately, it wasn't austin. i told him that maybe he should have given her the opportunity in some or any type of social situation with his friends, but he refused. he never tried, ever. either he knows her way too well and knows she absolutely would do the things he feared, or he was doing a bebo and assuming he knew what she would do. i think it is the latter. i have seen a lot of growth and independence in her in the last year. as a matter of fact, she has been the one most busy since she started playing sports year round. she has been busy with her girlfriends and other extracurricular things as well as her school work.
and to make things more complicated, he has been hanging out steadily with another girl who is my student right now. she is the complete opposite of amy, and she and austin have become big confidants of each other. unfortunately for her, she made some mistakes in the 9th grade with boys, and now she is treated like a pariah. she has been honest with austin and told him what she did. she knows the boys won't give her a second look except for trying to take advantage of her. i think austin is the first "nice guy" who has been her friend, and she, like any other girl her age, wants a relationship with a boy who won't take advantage of her past. it is a sad example of what i have preached to my girl students for years: what you do stays with you forever. people are NOT forgiving. the label says. austin has confided in her about amy, and he says she is the only one he has talked to about baseball, and this is true. there is a level of comfort there for him with her, but he says he absolutely cannot date her, not matter what, because he knows too much, and he knows the guys who have been with her. he says he doesn't want the peer pressure, and he is not that kind of guy to take advantage of her. i told him that by being her friend, he had already given her back some credibility because everyone knows he is a goody 2 shoes. she also isn't the most beautiful girl in the face, and the boys tease austin about her. she has an interesting face, and a great body, but she is also probably too open for her own good. she wants him to take her to the prom just as friends, but i told him when he asked me what i thought, that i didn't think it was a good idea. it would give her hope, when he says there is not hope for a relationship beyond friends. i also thought it would be a blow to amy and she didn't deserve that either, especially since she thought they would end up going to the prom. i don't know what he is going to end up doing, as he decided he wouldn't want to miss his junior prom. but time will tell. he has to buy the tickets this week if he is going to go.
there are a lot of things that go with the death of something. there is not only the death of the relationship, but all the ripples in that pond that you were a part of. austin also had the comfort of doing things with her family and their friends. he had a lot of freedom as being "part of the family" and that goes when she goes. the same, i am sure, goes with her. i made usually made her favorite dinner when she came here, and she had been several times to the beach, had met mom and dad, and had done the same with bebo's family. i certainly know that feeling, having suffered it when we divorced. the only cure is time and maturity. i just hope austin doesn't have any more anxiety attacks, or that he moves on quickly. he did talk to me yesterday about his tendency towards "addictions" as he put it, which are the ways he diverts himself from dealing with the thing on his mind. he cited WORLD OF WARCRAFT as having been the first one over the last several months, and now lindsey and his constant contact with her. all of them were ways he ran from himself, but he knew he couldn't do it any longer. he feels terribly guilty, and i hope i can help him.
in all honesty, i am affected by all of these changes and endings and transitions. i am seeing it through the eyes of a parent who is losing control and contact with my son. it is simply what we have to do as parents...let go. because my focal point for the last 16 years has been austin, suddenly losing that sort of makes me spin out of control in my head. i didn't think it would affect me as it has, but i am certainly feeling it. this stone in austin's pond is rippling me too. but that is life, isn't it? recently, there have been a lot of stones, large and small, and i am just trying to roll with the ripples and not get drowned. i probably haven't done a very good job of it, but there aren't choices in life sometimes, and everything makes you grow as a person.
she didn't understand, as he knew she wouldn't. she kept thinking she had done something wrong, which she really hadn't. he had no explanation for her, or anyone else for that matter. he doesn't really know anything other than he doesn't feel the same about her. he has never had a girlfriend before her, and they have been together for 18 months. he, too, was her first big love. with high school kids, you have to expect that they will break up, but no matter what, you are never quite ready for the change.
he called me after he did it, driving in the car away from her place. he was just sobbing and sobbing, saying he didn't want to hurt her, that she hadn't done anything wrong and he still had to hurt her, that she didn't understand. he didn't get his ring back, which means he will have to see her. i couldn't help him. what do you say? it would have been a lot easier if i had allowed him to text her or do it over the phone, but i told him that he owed her that much after all this time. it wouldn't have been as hard for him i don't think, but in life, you have to look people in the eyes and not avoid personal confrontation.
we went to dinner last night at the pad thai place, a place he took her for dinner many times, with her family some, without her family. yesterday the lanyard she had given him that he has been using for his keys broke, and there were other things that happened in the course of the last couple of days that involved things breaking. he commented that he thought it was symbolic and intentional. that is the first time i have ever heard him look at life that way. usually, he avoids any mention of fate or karma. he says he doesn't believe in angel pennies. maybe he does after all...
as i am writing this, he is with bebo on his way to lumberton, n.c. to take mae back to the south carolina relatives. last night he said all he wanted to do was to get home. he was crying so hard that i thought he might wreck, and asked him to pull to the side, but he said no, he just wanted to get to his dad's house. i called bebo and told him what was going on and to not push him to talk or give advice.
there is no nice way to hurt someone. there is no magic fix, no cure, nothing but time that takes down the level of pain, on both sides. i know he has been confused and upset and dreading this, and putting it off. he says he has wanted to do it for 4 months, and that is probably true. i have certainly seen a lessening of his desire to be with her, and even in his seeing her at all. the only explanation he has been able to give is that she needs to mature and "take the training wheels off" which is probably true. she has been a lot sheltered, and he says that he has babied her for a long time, and now he is tired of it and doesn't want to do it. his anger over that i guess has killed his feelings for her. how do you tell someone to grow up? you can't. he may have added to his problem by NOT fighting with her or telling her what he was fed up over, but even then, he didn't want to hurt her.
he didn't get the ring back, which means he will have to see her again. maybe by then enough time will have passed that he can face her. right now, i dread the next week. i feel pretty inadequate as a parent, not able to say or do the right things. i guess the best is to just do nothing, because that seems to be what he wants to do. he has been awful to live with, and i have been the punching bag and the recipient of his misguided anger. i have finally had to confront him and be mean back, in that he just hasn't gotten it. i understand that you take things out on the people you are closest too, and yesterday i think he finally got that and did talk to me about it at dinner. i just tried to listen. i had told him yesterday morning that upon thinking about it, i don't feel he ever really gave her a chance to grow up. he wouldn't take her around his friends, he decided she would be uncomfortable or she would make them uncomfortable. he didn't give her any chance to "take off the training wheels" because HE decided it wouldn't work ahead of time. how would she ever be able to mature at all if not put in situations that required it? granted, she has been wrapped in cotton batting by her family AND austin, but someone had to push her out of the nest, and unfortunately, it wasn't austin. i told him that maybe he should have given her the opportunity in some or any type of social situation with his friends, but he refused. he never tried, ever. either he knows her way too well and knows she absolutely would do the things he feared, or he was doing a bebo and assuming he knew what she would do. i think it is the latter. i have seen a lot of growth and independence in her in the last year. as a matter of fact, she has been the one most busy since she started playing sports year round. she has been busy with her girlfriends and other extracurricular things as well as her school work.
and to make things more complicated, he has been hanging out steadily with another girl who is my student right now. she is the complete opposite of amy, and she and austin have become big confidants of each other. unfortunately for her, she made some mistakes in the 9th grade with boys, and now she is treated like a pariah. she has been honest with austin and told him what she did. she knows the boys won't give her a second look except for trying to take advantage of her. i think austin is the first "nice guy" who has been her friend, and she, like any other girl her age, wants a relationship with a boy who won't take advantage of her past. it is a sad example of what i have preached to my girl students for years: what you do stays with you forever. people are NOT forgiving. the label says. austin has confided in her about amy, and he says she is the only one he has talked to about baseball, and this is true. there is a level of comfort there for him with her, but he says he absolutely cannot date her, not matter what, because he knows too much, and he knows the guys who have been with her. he says he doesn't want the peer pressure, and he is not that kind of guy to take advantage of her. i told him that by being her friend, he had already given her back some credibility because everyone knows he is a goody 2 shoes. she also isn't the most beautiful girl in the face, and the boys tease austin about her. she has an interesting face, and a great body, but she is also probably too open for her own good. she wants him to take her to the prom just as friends, but i told him when he asked me what i thought, that i didn't think it was a good idea. it would give her hope, when he says there is not hope for a relationship beyond friends. i also thought it would be a blow to amy and she didn't deserve that either, especially since she thought they would end up going to the prom. i don't know what he is going to end up doing, as he decided he wouldn't want to miss his junior prom. but time will tell. he has to buy the tickets this week if he is going to go.
there are a lot of things that go with the death of something. there is not only the death of the relationship, but all the ripples in that pond that you were a part of. austin also had the comfort of doing things with her family and their friends. he had a lot of freedom as being "part of the family" and that goes when she goes. the same, i am sure, goes with her. i made usually made her favorite dinner when she came here, and she had been several times to the beach, had met mom and dad, and had done the same with bebo's family. i certainly know that feeling, having suffered it when we divorced. the only cure is time and maturity. i just hope austin doesn't have any more anxiety attacks, or that he moves on quickly. he did talk to me yesterday about his tendency towards "addictions" as he put it, which are the ways he diverts himself from dealing with the thing on his mind. he cited WORLD OF WARCRAFT as having been the first one over the last several months, and now lindsey and his constant contact with her. all of them were ways he ran from himself, but he knew he couldn't do it any longer. he feels terribly guilty, and i hope i can help him.
in all honesty, i am affected by all of these changes and endings and transitions. i am seeing it through the eyes of a parent who is losing control and contact with my son. it is simply what we have to do as parents...let go. because my focal point for the last 16 years has been austin, suddenly losing that sort of makes me spin out of control in my head. i didn't think it would affect me as it has, but i am certainly feeling it. this stone in austin's pond is rippling me too. but that is life, isn't it? recently, there have been a lot of stones, large and small, and i am just trying to roll with the ripples and not get drowned. i probably haven't done a very good job of it, but there aren't choices in life sometimes, and everything makes you grow as a person.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Daily OM- Learned Self Reliance
Boy, is this came at just the right time...
April 9, 2009
April 9, 2009
Learned Self-Reliance - The Negative Effects of Spoiling Children
Parents are moved by instinct to love, nurture, and provide for their offspring. Because our children are so much a part of us, we want to see them blissfully happy. Also, our own desire to be liked, materialist pressures, and a fervent wish that our children have everything we lacked as youngsters can prompt us to spoil them. However, while it might seem that buying your child expensive gifts will give them fond memories of childhood or that you can heal your emotional wounds by doting on your sons and daughters, you may be unconsciously interfering with your children’s evolutional development. One of the most precious gifts you can grant your children is the true independence they gain when they learn to earn what they covet and become stewards of their own happiness. Try allowing your children to experience life to the fullest. Let them work and earn what they want. When the time comes for them to go to college and enter the workforce, you will have the confidence that yo! u have raised a child that can both enter and contribute to society confidently.
Parents are moved by instinct to love, nurture, and provide for their offspring. Because our children are so much a part of us, we want to see them blissfully happy. Also, our own desire to be liked, materialist pressures, and a fervent wish that our children have everything we lacked as youngsters can prompt us to spoil them. However, while it might seem that buying your child expensive gifts will give them fond memories of childhood or that you can heal your emotional wounds by doting on your sons and daughters, you may be unconsciously interfering with your children’s evolutional development. One of the most precious gifts you can grant your children is the true independence they gain when they learn to earn what they covet and become stewards of their own happiness. Try allowing your children to experience life to the fullest. Let them work and earn what they want. When the time comes for them to go to college and enter the workforce, you will have the confidence that yo! u have raised a child that can both enter and contribute to society confidently.
When children are not afforded the opportunity to explore self-reliance, to understand that with possession comes price, and to fulfill their own needs, they develop a sense of entitlement that blinds them to the necessity of hard work and the needs of others. We may spoil children because giving them gifts is pleasurable. Or we may want to avoid conflict out of fear that our children won’t love us. Yet children who are given acceptance, love, and affection in abundance are often kinder, more charitable, and more responsible than those whose parents accede to their every material demand. They develop a strong sense of self that stretches beyond possessions and the approval of their peers, and as adults they understand that each individual is responsible for building the life they desire. If you find yourself giving in to your child’s every whim, ask yourself why. You may discover that you are trying to answer for what you feel is lacking in your own life.
Rearing your children to respect the value of money and self-sufficiency as they grow from infants to young adults is a challenging but rewarding process. It can be difficult to watch a child struggle to meet a personal goal yet wonderful to be by their side as they achieve it. Your choice not to spoil your children will bless you with more opportunities to show them understanding and compassion and to be fully present with them as they journey toward adulthood.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
frustration rollercoaster...
this is not turning out the be the week i would have liked it to be. it has been frustration roller coaster, up down, up down. drama. two steps forward, one step back.
austin has injured himself, again. exactly last year, same time, same bat channel. same injury, different hip. i can't get him in to see a doctor until tomorrow. baseball, once again, is turning out to be a bust, but more of a high stress bust than anything because of what is at stake. while a single injury isn't going to kill his career prospects, he just has gone from being untouchable to being constantly hurt with something. it is, again, something i can't control or change.
i am not adjusting well to all of these changes, and my medicine adjustments may have something to do with my weepiness right now. i have added a small dose of zoloft to the cymbalta, the idea being that the layering would get me back to where i was when going from the lexapro to the cymbalta. i had that week there where i felt great. i am not to that point yet, so it is hard to tell if the zoloft is going to get better, or if this is it. i hope this is NOT it, as i think i could feel better. i am sleeping better, but i still have pain. i am having mood swings back and forth, mostly crying on the drop of a hat. i can't seem to control it, and i can't explain why i am crying when austin asks.
his constant changing, growing is adding to this mix. ever since he got his drivers license, there has been a huge shift of independence on his part. i am pretty much no longer needed, and in my opinion, treated that way. it hurts my feelings. plus, he has been agonizing and going back and forth over breaking up with amy. i have somehow found this to be hard to accept as well, although i don't know why. it has surely been coming for awhile, and not unexpected given the age. however, it was comfortable having her around and while he was with her, i felt "safe" to a certain extent, that he wouldn't get in trouble since both are goody 2 shoes...now he is hanging around with one of my current students, who is the opposite in every way from amy. while i like this girl, she presents some challenges in a lot of ways for him, and he is back to struggling over what to do with her. he doesn't want to go out with her because of her previously damaged reputation. she has been with some of his friends, and he is blatantly worried about what they would say, as well as the fact that they have stereotyped her as easy. i also feel sorry for amy, who is trying to save the situation, but is getting left in the dust. she is still very shy and naive, probably what is getting her tossed to the side. austin doesn't feel comfortable taking her out with his friends socially, and doesn't even want to try. she has told him to go do things with his friends, and he is, another worry for me. now he wants to be everywhere socially, another thing i can't control or barely keep track of. basically, he is growing up, testing his wings, and even he doesn't know what he is doing. therefore, trying to keep up with him, his feelings, his goings ons, is like herding cats.
all and all, the whole thing today is just making me depressed, more weepy, and totally not in the mood to do anything. however, i have obligations to go work the concession stand at the baseball games, even though he isn't playing. i now have to go into town to see bonita johnson over my taxes, another trip i did not expect. the only thing i wanted to do today was to paint my bathroom upstairs, which i have been trying to do for 2 days, but now that is on hold as well. i also have to go and see mae, bebo's aunt, who is in town, and the last thing i want to do right now is socialize. my room is a wreck, with all of the bathroom stuff moved in there, and no hope of that being fixed today. my room pretty much is my life at this point...lots of stuff in the wrong place, piled on top of each other, blocking access to the things i want, and hiding what is beneath it.
austin has injured himself, again. exactly last year, same time, same bat channel. same injury, different hip. i can't get him in to see a doctor until tomorrow. baseball, once again, is turning out to be a bust, but more of a high stress bust than anything because of what is at stake. while a single injury isn't going to kill his career prospects, he just has gone from being untouchable to being constantly hurt with something. it is, again, something i can't control or change.
i am not adjusting well to all of these changes, and my medicine adjustments may have something to do with my weepiness right now. i have added a small dose of zoloft to the cymbalta, the idea being that the layering would get me back to where i was when going from the lexapro to the cymbalta. i had that week there where i felt great. i am not to that point yet, so it is hard to tell if the zoloft is going to get better, or if this is it. i hope this is NOT it, as i think i could feel better. i am sleeping better, but i still have pain. i am having mood swings back and forth, mostly crying on the drop of a hat. i can't seem to control it, and i can't explain why i am crying when austin asks.
his constant changing, growing is adding to this mix. ever since he got his drivers license, there has been a huge shift of independence on his part. i am pretty much no longer needed, and in my opinion, treated that way. it hurts my feelings. plus, he has been agonizing and going back and forth over breaking up with amy. i have somehow found this to be hard to accept as well, although i don't know why. it has surely been coming for awhile, and not unexpected given the age. however, it was comfortable having her around and while he was with her, i felt "safe" to a certain extent, that he wouldn't get in trouble since both are goody 2 shoes...now he is hanging around with one of my current students, who is the opposite in every way from amy. while i like this girl, she presents some challenges in a lot of ways for him, and he is back to struggling over what to do with her. he doesn't want to go out with her because of her previously damaged reputation. she has been with some of his friends, and he is blatantly worried about what they would say, as well as the fact that they have stereotyped her as easy. i also feel sorry for amy, who is trying to save the situation, but is getting left in the dust. she is still very shy and naive, probably what is getting her tossed to the side. austin doesn't feel comfortable taking her out with his friends socially, and doesn't even want to try. she has told him to go do things with his friends, and he is, another worry for me. now he wants to be everywhere socially, another thing i can't control or barely keep track of. basically, he is growing up, testing his wings, and even he doesn't know what he is doing. therefore, trying to keep up with him, his feelings, his goings ons, is like herding cats.
all and all, the whole thing today is just making me depressed, more weepy, and totally not in the mood to do anything. however, i have obligations to go work the concession stand at the baseball games, even though he isn't playing. i now have to go into town to see bonita johnson over my taxes, another trip i did not expect. the only thing i wanted to do today was to paint my bathroom upstairs, which i have been trying to do for 2 days, but now that is on hold as well. i also have to go and see mae, bebo's aunt, who is in town, and the last thing i want to do right now is socialize. my room is a wreck, with all of the bathroom stuff moved in there, and no hope of that being fixed today. my room pretty much is my life at this point...lots of stuff in the wrong place, piled on top of each other, blocking access to the things i want, and hiding what is beneath it.
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