For the most part, i would have to say that i am a believer in "better living through chemistry."
however, i am also a huge contradiction there as well. i take the antidepressants and know i really can't live without them. however, any other drug i worry about. my great fear is a drug reaction where i will go psycho and lose my mind and will never return to the world of the rational. i don't like to be out of control. in my younger days, i certainly abused the drugs to get high. or rather, to get away. in those days, if i took enough prescription or over the counter stuff, i could take a temporary chemical vacation and be numb. unfortunately, the optimum word here is temporary. all the alcohol and drugs did was postpone the inevitable, which was a confrontation with my own demons. they caught up with me in college when i had a complete breakdown the spring of my junior year. for the longest time i had no recollection what i did during that spring. all i know is that i woke up one wednesday after having had another bad experience with pot, got in my car and came home.
fortunately, it was one of the few times my mother did the right thing, which was to give me some space and not make me feel bad for what i had done. what i remember is that she sent me to southern states to buy seeds to plant a garden, which i did. she didn't ask me much about what i had done, although i did tell her i thought i was going crazy. i went back to school on a sunday, but for the rest of the quarter, my routine was to come home on every single weekend. i lasted until the end of the school year, but then came home and collapsed and pretty much didn't leave the house all summer. my only social outing was that tom and cindy came and took me to see the STAR WARS movie. my mother took me on walks around the neighborhood. other than that, i didn't see anyone or do anything and i don't remember much more than that. i did work 21 hours a week at texaco sorting mail in the early morning. but i was home most days by 1 pm at the latest, and i went into my cave. i was very fragile. going back to school that senior year almost didn't happen. the only way i would go was to get out of the apartment situation i had set up with 2 sorority sisters. i went back into the dorms and had a freshman for a roommate. my whole life, who i hung out with and what i did, changed radically. i quit smoking, drinking and drugs on that wednesday years ago and haven't gone back.
it took the onset of fibromyalgia and the need for the drugs before i could finally see how chemically bereft i was. i was 40. and within the span of 3 days, i was a whole new person, a new card carrying, banner waving member of the prozac nation! and that worked, for 7 years, and then it didn't work as well. my doctor switched me over to lexapro, the newest big thing then, when bebo left, and i started all over again. but i don't think the lexapro has been working like it should for probably 2 years. and so now, another change.
most people on antidepressants have played the drug shell game trying to figure out which one is right for your system. this one started out great, but now is leveling off with some irritating side effects. i think the joy ride i was on for the first 3 weeks was coming from the combination of the cymbalta going into my system and the lexapro coming out. i had both in there at the same time. but the lexapro is gone for good now, and i have leveled off. i enjoyed that level of energy and lessening of pain that i had during those 3 weeks. i miss it. i want it back. and i want the headaches to go away.
so what does all this mean? it means i am thinking about it. i am thinking about i might have to do to get this right, which would be to try another drug. i don't want to do that, because i don't like playing chemical poker. you can lose, you can win, or you can just quit before you lose or win. and i am not sure what to do on that account.
but i am thinking about it. hey, didn't i already say that? yes, i did.
i am thinking about it...and that's good, huh?
however, i am also a huge contradiction there as well. i take the antidepressants and know i really can't live without them. however, any other drug i worry about. my great fear is a drug reaction where i will go psycho and lose my mind and will never return to the world of the rational. i don't like to be out of control. in my younger days, i certainly abused the drugs to get high. or rather, to get away. in those days, if i took enough prescription or over the counter stuff, i could take a temporary chemical vacation and be numb. unfortunately, the optimum word here is temporary. all the alcohol and drugs did was postpone the inevitable, which was a confrontation with my own demons. they caught up with me in college when i had a complete breakdown the spring of my junior year. for the longest time i had no recollection what i did during that spring. all i know is that i woke up one wednesday after having had another bad experience with pot, got in my car and came home.
fortunately, it was one of the few times my mother did the right thing, which was to give me some space and not make me feel bad for what i had done. what i remember is that she sent me to southern states to buy seeds to plant a garden, which i did. she didn't ask me much about what i had done, although i did tell her i thought i was going crazy. i went back to school on a sunday, but for the rest of the quarter, my routine was to come home on every single weekend. i lasted until the end of the school year, but then came home and collapsed and pretty much didn't leave the house all summer. my only social outing was that tom and cindy came and took me to see the STAR WARS movie. my mother took me on walks around the neighborhood. other than that, i didn't see anyone or do anything and i don't remember much more than that. i did work 21 hours a week at texaco sorting mail in the early morning. but i was home most days by 1 pm at the latest, and i went into my cave. i was very fragile. going back to school that senior year almost didn't happen. the only way i would go was to get out of the apartment situation i had set up with 2 sorority sisters. i went back into the dorms and had a freshman for a roommate. my whole life, who i hung out with and what i did, changed radically. i quit smoking, drinking and drugs on that wednesday years ago and haven't gone back.
it took the onset of fibromyalgia and the need for the drugs before i could finally see how chemically bereft i was. i was 40. and within the span of 3 days, i was a whole new person, a new card carrying, banner waving member of the prozac nation! and that worked, for 7 years, and then it didn't work as well. my doctor switched me over to lexapro, the newest big thing then, when bebo left, and i started all over again. but i don't think the lexapro has been working like it should for probably 2 years. and so now, another change.
most people on antidepressants have played the drug shell game trying to figure out which one is right for your system. this one started out great, but now is leveling off with some irritating side effects. i think the joy ride i was on for the first 3 weeks was coming from the combination of the cymbalta going into my system and the lexapro coming out. i had both in there at the same time. but the lexapro is gone for good now, and i have leveled off. i enjoyed that level of energy and lessening of pain that i had during those 3 weeks. i miss it. i want it back. and i want the headaches to go away.
so what does all this mean? it means i am thinking about it. i am thinking about i might have to do to get this right, which would be to try another drug. i don't want to do that, because i don't like playing chemical poker. you can lose, you can win, or you can just quit before you lose or win. and i am not sure what to do on that account.
but i am thinking about it. hey, didn't i already say that? yes, i did.
i am thinking about it...and that's good, huh?
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