where is god when there is so much suffering and sadness?

reading Beliefnet this morning, i ran across an article that discusses the omnipotence of god and his/her presence during the recent disasters. the link is http://www.beliefnet.com/story/175/story_17566_1.html should you want to read the article.

the article itself brings once again to the fore the age old question of "where is god when there is a disaster" and why did he let this occurrence happen. well, as usual, there is no easy or pat answer. certainly various organized religious groups may have a standard explanation to satisfy the multitudes, who are certainly seeking one. however, when it comes right down to it, bad things happen, period. we, as individuals, have to deal with them. how we deal with them emotionally and spiritually can follow a party line of an organized religion, or it can involve some spiritual searching.

the only thing i have been able to do in these circumstances is to state to myself that things happen for a reason. why they happen and what the good outcome of these things is to be often times is not apparent early on. as a matter of fact, it can be years before the positive in an awful situation is revealed. even then, the person viewing this incident may not see the positive, or embrace it.

neal donald walshe wrote a fascinating book series, CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD, and in these books he does tackle the question of why would a benevolent god create awful situations. the one specific question asked was concerning the holocaust, and the extermination of 6,000,000 jews. why have a hitler? and what positive thing can come out of this mass genocide?
in his conversation with god, god's answer was pretty unique and certainly hard to swallow. what if hitler comes into this life specifically as a catalyst for change? if you entertain the concept of reincarnation, you understand that each incarnation is designed to create soul growth through challenges. we set up the "play of life" with certain players, and we come into this life knowing we are going to have soul challenges through the experiences and trials of daily life. how we deal with the challenges is how we grow. the supposition is that hitler reincarnated specifically to cause worldwide change. hard to believe that such a human monster could have had a positive effect, considering the human suffering and cruelty. not many people could look at the holocaust and see any positive effect, especially if your family was affected.

but maybe there was.

globally, we seem to be much more aware of genocide and worldwide, we do not allow it to continue unabated. the united nations certainly does attempt to intervene when it appears that this type of behavior goes on. while, sadly, humans still do commit heinous acts against various groups of people, it does not seem to be occurring in the same manner or scope as that of the holocaust. a small plus, but none the less, a plus. it certainly doesn't justify what hitler and the german people did, but it could be looked at as a positive.

the country of israel became a country in 1948 as a result of the disenfranchised jewish refugees immigrating to that country. for many, there was no home left in europe, and so many sought out a small plot of land, the homeland of their religious ancestors. "next year in jerusalem" has been a part of jewish religious ritual for thousands of years, yet no mass attempt had been made to reclaim the area as a jewish homeland. it took the holocaust to do that. granted, this area is certainly a hotbed of controversy and dispute. but it is a country of jews and their descendents. one has to wonder if it would exist in this way had there not been such a horrible motivating factor to leave europe and "return home."

in the same manner and fashion, we as a country are currently experiencing what appears to be a huge human disaster. hurricane rita and hurricane katrina have destroyed life as they knew it for untold thousands of people in the gulf coast region. the destruction is not limited to homes and jobs. the trickle down effect of this destruction will be starting to show in the months to come, and there are many possible things that could happen as a result. how to revitalize this area is what is under dispute, but it is hoped that something positive can be built out of this episode of human suffering.

certainly government ineptitude has been revealed at every level. the accusations that the government didn't react quickly because the people most affected by the disaster were poor may or may not be true. many people have been angered by this, and their accusations of socio-economic and racial prejudice have been heard by many, and scorned by many. a division based on these lines could either widen or shrink, depending on how we as HUMANS react to what we see before us. in a previous blog, i addressed the concept of the haves and have nots, and it is here that i think that god is watching and waiting.

my spin on disasters and misery, and in particular, our recent tragedies, is that god has set the stage for change. to get our attention, he had to create a miserable, ugly, tragic situation with no immediate cure. this is a long term problem that needs to be fixed on every level, but most importantly, it needs to be seen as a staging ground for change. as a nation, we have been drifting further and further apart on racial and socio-economic lines. lack of education and the "'ghetto-ization'" of the poor has help create generation after generation of separate and unequal classes in this country. i read a NY TIMES article sunday that addresses various plans to try and break the cycle of poverty and crime, and one of the ways to do it was to tear down the pockets of misery (ghettos), and disperse the people out into the general population. it was found that when you took people out of the self-perpetuating climates of misery and put those people in a different location that didn't foster the same behavior, those people adapted for the better. however, left isolated in areas where the mentality fostered no further growth, crime and poverty continued on unabated, generation after generation.

many of our poor and uneducated are scattered all over the united states right now. they cannot return to the lower income, impoverished neighborhoods of new orleans and other cities. those who didn't have much, have nothing. they have hit bottom. what is left to them, however, is the human will to survive, and a unique opportunity to start over again fresh. they cannot return to what they had. the government hopefully will provide them with some of the financial needs that would allow them to start over. the hope is that they will be given the opportunity for a truly fresh start, and some will embrace it and be successful. if god is going to work a miracle in the middle of a disaster, this might be it. we truly need some social change, and the numbers of "have nots" have just been growing slowly but steadily over the last few decades. the only thing that has changed is our attitude about helping these people. with an emphasis on materialism and what is best for me and mine as the prevailing attitude, middle and upper class america has more or less separated itself from the "lower level" and has developed a cynical and less than sympathetic view of those left financially and educationally behind.

i want to believe that this disaster was created by god to give us a wakeup call about brotherhood and the golden rule. he has created a huge smack in the face to make us think about how lucky some of us are, and what we can do to help others. he has helped us appreciate what we have in a way that only a disaster could, and many have responded with gifts of money, time, and goods. however, this is not a short term problem. certainly in a few more weeks, we will be seeing less and less on the news or in the papers concerning the disasters. people's interest will wane, and once it is off of the front pages, it will start to have less and less impact. this is where what god intends will be tested. if we as a species can continue to be affected by this, we will help contribute to rebuilding of human character, not just buildings. hillary clinton's title of IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD can also be applied to us as a society. our children now are varied in color, religion, education, and culture. those who have must be the benevolent "parents" who provide with love and care. just like a parent, we sometimes connect with some of our "children" better than others, but we say we love them equally. we will have to embrace that thought while helping our "children" of this disaster. we must be careful not to favor one over another, and to learn to appreciate the gifts of each. if we are able, even just a few of us, to do this, we can affect a positive change, and reaffirm that god is indeed present, even in the worst of situations, for the better.

translucent beings...am i one?

i just read an article on beliefnet about the translucent revolution. i am going to include the link at the bottom of the post so that if anyone wants to read it, he/she can. basically, it is talking about action being the result of enlightenment, vs. separation from the human tribe as most people believe enlightened individuals are. the theory is that you love your life, and in turn you don't need life to fill you up and make you happy, make you "me." once you see the bigger picture, your daily life becomes an outward extension of your need to give instead of take. a translucent person, as i am understanding it, is seeing that giving back is the best way to learn. you are a seeker, and not a taker, and you can be translucent through your work. it is basically a concept of living in the present, and being aware of all that is here, and then trying to make it better by participating in living in a meaningful, helpful way. by doing that, we will be in an "happy zone" for the most part.

the article is an interview with the author of the book, and it also has some links to a list of the other authors who were interviewed or are considered to be translucents.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/175/story_17524_1.html

today is my birthday

today is my birthday. i am 49. it has been a little different, and celebrated a little differently, but it was fine. i spent the day at a ballfield watching austin's team win the tournament. we played the hanover generals, austin's old team, and i enjoyed visiting with the parents from that team, including chuck and andy, austin's old coaches. it was a cooler, overcast sort of day, but a nice relief from the miserably hot weather we have had almost continously for weeks. meg and her family made a nice dinner for us, and she cleaned up the downstairs of my house and cooked everything. it was fun and we laughed a lot, and that was what i needed. i got some happy birthday phone calls, but so far not one from my parents. sigh. i just don't get it, but i guess i never will. i am blessed to have such nice friends and family. austin gave me a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure; brenda and olivia davis dropped off a gift yesterday for me, and that was nice, and pam gave me some forsythias(sp) to plant. bebo, my brother, uncle jack, my aunt nancy and jose and ann called, and i got a card from cindy's parents and an email card from "ethyl and the boys." again, i am very lucky. i also got a copy of the NY times at wawa this morning, along with iced tea (my favorite), cheap gas, and a hot breakfast. it didn't rain, i didn't sweat, and i was able to fit into a martha's vineyard sweatshirt that i bought back in 1998. it was too tight then, but i bought it anyway hoping at sometime i could fit into it. this morning, i did. glad i held on to it.

radio in cyberspace

it is a rare day that i can just sit on the computer with out the grim reaper of PC games, AKA austin young, hanging over my shoulder like a vicious vulture, waiting for me to leave what he believes is his personal domain. it doesn't matter that i paid for the damned machine. i feel like i have to beg for time on my own computer.

so it is wednesday and austin is with bebo. my one night to sit at the computer and become enlightened.

i discovered several years ago that you can sit here in front of a computer and listen to the world out there. it makes me feel very international to listen to radio broadcasts from chile or some other exotic place. i enjoy listening to live music from KKSF, a jazz station in san francisco. since i love that place, it makes me feel like i am temporarily there. i also like to listen to some of the smooth jazz stations and the new age stations. i also listen to bolivia radio, which plays the native folk music there, which is kind of cool.

http://www.radiotower.com/web-radio-bygenre.htm is one that you can click on and find an online station by country, genre or location.
radio locator also operates in a similar fashion http://www.radio-locator.com/
i also like bolivia web radio, which plays real bolivian folk music, which is very unique. there are no commercials or any talking going on, so it is just strictly streaming music. of course, it is in spanish, but i don't care what they are saying anyway. to listen to it, you have to download the winamp program, but it is free and easy. http://www.boliviaweb.com/radio/instruc_en.htm
i also like new age music and can listen to a wide variety of stations that stream it without interuption. http://www.live365.com/stations/tjw2001 is one link to something called internet oasis. i also listen sometimes to boston pete http://www.bostonpete.com/station002.html. the radio locators both have a wider variety of things you can choose from depending on what type of music that you like.

i can take a trip without leaving the cramped former closet that now is known as the computer room.

a wednesday night in the north side

this afternoon i went over to northminster church and helped fix the food for the dinner and "new community" event that they are hosting during the week. it was a nice opportunity to meet with some new people and do something useful. i like to cook, and this is cooking in a massive way. some of the people i knew a little bit, others i just met. the thing i like about this church is that it doesn't seem like a church so much as a place with a nice vibe. it affords me the opportunity to do some community work, which i didn't previously get to do much of because i didn't have a vehicle by which i could do this. obviously, churches are the way to go if you are looking for some organized place where you can do some service work.

i have thought since my hospitalization last spring that i was supposed to be doing something with my life now, but i have been stumbling along trying to figure out what it is. i have been attending this church since last winter after my initial surgery in november. i returned back to the sunday services once i was out of the hospital and able to drive again. i enjoy the music, the casual feel of things, and the to-the-point but not over the top messages that the minister, sammy williams, delivers. i don't feel preached at so much as i feel enlightened.

prehaps what i am supposed to be doing is more community based work, and i am hoping maybe austin will join in sometime. right now he is not interested, although they seem to have a small group of teens in their group that he might enjoy being with. i am not forcing church on him, as i absolutely hated that when i was his age. terre, his aunt, attends and is a member and it was terre and danny, her husband, who first got us to go there. danny wanted me to go, and tried to get me to go in the months before he died. i didn't go then, but did go after he died and somehow feel like that was meant to be.

in any case, i never envisioned myself leaving the house to go out to anything during the week, but now i am in a creative small group on monday nights and volunteering to help do the cooking on wednesday. it seems all good, and i don't feel like i am missing anything by NOT going. actually, i gain. i did meet some new people tonight, and understand how it feels to be gingerly creeping along in the spiritual world, seeking and watching, and then settling a little bit.

rebuilding after the divorce earthquake

my divorce has been final for almost a year, and it is going on three years since my former spouse of 14 years decided he wanted a different life. getting a divorce at 45 wasn't what i had envisioned would happen to me, but i dealt with it and have actually had a "good" divorce, if that is possible.

one of the hardest things for me about ripping apart a life isn't one that most people consider to be traumatic. for the last 20 years my ex-husband's family has been my family, and now he is remarrying. i have continued to have regular and constant contact with his sisters, mother and aunt. i have attended all family dinners at holidays or special occasions, and i have dropped by as i always have to visit. now, however, my ex is remarrying, and his fiancee is suffering from the need to be the alpha dog. so this old dog has to trot off into the sunset.

it wasn't as if i didn't know it would occur, nor has it been taken for granted that i have been lucky to be able to keep my relationships intact. a lot of it was done for my son. everyone felt the need to keep things as normal and sound as possible. but things do change, and sadly, i now am finding myself mulling over how i handle the spate of upcoming events over this fall and into the winter.

i had hoped that we could continue to all be in one place without the drama and trama of having to separate. but natural "new wife" insecurity has reared its head. i say natural because i suspect most women in the fiancee's position would be feeling as she does. our whole family and divorce set up has been unusual in that we haven't been fighting or distancing ourselves from each other. everyone got along, everyone continued to communicate on a fairly normal basis. my ex and i talked on the phone frequently and were in and out of each other's homes, taking care of animals or fetching or delivering things.

all that has to stop now. he is selling our former home and moving in with the fiancee and getting married sometime in the next 6 months(hopefully). to make her happy, he feels the need to have me "bow out" of the family position i have been in, and i understand this. as i explained it to my son, it really would be hard for her to establish new relationships with my ex's mother and family if the spectre of me is always around for a comparison. she deserves the opportunity to create these new bonds without me around. it is also fair to say that taking myself out of the picture will also make it easier for my ex's family, who have been squarely caught in the middle. now they do have to "take a side" and it has to be on the side of their brother/son and his new life.

that all said, it is still hard for me to make that break. i don't have family here, and my relationship with my own family isn't the best these days, and when it is going ok, it is tenuous at best. i spend a lot of time in the foxhole waiting for the next grenade to pop in and trying to anticipate where it will come from.

change isn't always bad, and i have certainly had my share of it in the last few years. i cannot say that i have suffered overall or been made a lesser person by having had the experiences. they have made me stronger, and ultimately, happier.

so birthdays won't be celebrated in a crowd or by the people who were once close to me. christmas will be less in many ways, be could be more if i chose to make it that way, which i will. new is not bad, and neither is different. what is bad is dwelling on what i am cutting loose, or thinking about why it is happening. i guess i could be really angry with her, but what is the point? nothing is really going to stay the same, regardless of if i am happy or sad with her needs. so it is up to me to make lemonade out of the lemon, and i will.

"things fall apart" chinua achebe

my advanced english students read chinua achebe's THINGS FALL APART as their summer reading assignment.

this book deals with the "falling apart" of the society in an nigerian village in the 1890's. the final blow to the way of life comes with the invasion of christian missionaries to the area. these missionaries sole purpose is to convert the polytheistic natives to christianity. these missionaries, as are ALL missionaries of any sort, are firm in their belief that what they are bringing the "heathen culture" is better than what they have, and therefore, is a good thing.

i have had some time to absorb this idea since bush has put us smackdab in the middle of a modern day "things fall apart" situation. it is called IRAQ. our presence in this country truly does illustrate the arrogance that we as a society have about the rightness and correctness of how we live.

it seems to me that one of the things that makes life interesting is DIVERSITY. however, it seems as human beings, we don't honor that concept. there seems to be an overwhelming need to reject that which is different because it takes us emotionally out of our comfort zone of what is "normal." the whole normal concept is sad too, in that we spend so much time looking around at others and then judging ourselves, our self-worth, our successes based on some sort of mythical yardstick. of course, there IS going to be a yardstick in any culture, and cultures exist in a variety of areas big and small. as a teacher of high school students, i recognize my school alone as having its own culture. it isn't exactly reflective of even the society of our city, richmond, as we have approximately 1,350 students and of that number maybe 100 are minorities. that sets up a really interesting "normal" and makes it pretty hard for the minority kids to feel accepted.

this issue came to the fore 2 days ago when the use of the word "nigger" was brought up in a classroom discussion. personally, i hate the word and, as a child, had my mouth washed out for saying it..once. it didn't happen again. the word was a racial slur and a huge divider in 1950-60's culture. to this day it makes me uncomfortable and i understand its power. however, a whole generation of black students have been raised in a culture where the word can be used amongst themselves without the connotations that i associate with it. thus came the argument/debate in this classroom setting. the white kids wanted to know why it was ok for black kids to use it, but they were not allowed to use it.

this is not an unknown or undiscussed subject. but it suddenly exploded into a nasty, hurtful and ultimately useless discussion because of the "culture" of that classroom. there were 3 black students, the rest all white. this reflected the school setup, and in our case, white is the majority, and therefore "normal." black students expressing themselves as they normally would is often bothersome to a few because it goes against the grain of the vanilla-whitebread society that is mostly in charge in at least this area of our county. everyone is middle class white. they (including myself) don't live in racially or economically diverse neighborhoods, and the schools in turn reflect this. when this discussion occurred in class, the teachers asked the black students to explain this to the white students. the result was a disaster, with one of the girls dissolving into tears, and the other into outward anger. the teachers did not understand their reaction, as they considered everyone "equal" in the classroom.

this is a mistake that sometimes we white people make. in an effort to try and make everyone equal, we bend over backwards to erase the differences. the concept, i suppose, is to homogenize everyone while at the same time giving lip service to celebrating differences. in actuality, we don't. i often remind my culturally comfortable students of the fact that they are the majority and their belief systems and comfort zones are bolstered by NUMBERS. what if they were suddenly one of 70 white students in an urban, lower socio economic school? how would they feel if suddenly a majority classroom of black students began, as a group, to question them about their whiteness and their differences from the now-majority white people? i don't think that too many of them would react any differently than their ethnically different classmates. there is an arrogance that comes with being a part of the majority white culture, and that has been there since this country was founded. it was not founded by ethnically diverse people. it was founded by WHITE PEOPLE looking for religious freedom, people who were so desperate to be able to be DIVERSE AND WORSHIP DIFFERENTLY that they put themselves on small boats, crossed a forbidding ocean under the worst of circumstances, and their reward was a land full of mosquitos, mysteries, native americans, and hardship. interesting thing about that diversity thing, however. once we got here, everyone had to be a puritan and worship the same way. the native american tribes here were savages not particularly worthy of anything but our contempt, and we set about creating a new society that was ironically based upon the old one they had sacrificed to escape.

this kind of arrogance isn't just limited to white people of european descent. go to any culture, anywhere, and you will see it...the need to say "my way is superior" and we go about making it that way by the old "might is right" concept. a show of physical force has the same results, whether is comes from hutus and other rwandan tribes butchering each other with machetes, to american tanks filled with soldiers and weapons. which one is more civilized? this was the ironic question that was posed in achebe's book THINGS FALL APART. in the end, the white culture does succeed in molding the black tribes. but by doing so, they destroy the things that were important to this culture. they chopped out the heart, only to replace it with what these missionaries considered to be a new and better heart. but is that true? do we as human beings always have to be on a crusade to convert every culture to our own? if there is a higher power, do you really think he would ask us to go out and make these people leave their bedrock beliefs to convert to ours? i suspect that a truly benevolent god, the one i believe in, not only created all types of people, but has made us all diverse and wonderful in order for us to learn something about beauty. it comes in all sorts of packages. soul growth comes from diversity and dealing with life outside of our comfort zone. in essence, life is about constantly resetting the boundaries for our comfort zone. i would think that even jesus wouldn't have hated a hutu warrior, and he wouldn't have told a gay person to give up being gay because if not, he/she is going to hell. what is hell? hell is living on earth with no sense of happiness, no sense of security. we live in our selected societal worlds which are ironically built upon shifting sand. however, we are often insistent that we channel our energies into making sure the sand is converted to concrete and doesn't go away.

a solid belief system, a solid, traditional society in a culture is also not a bad thing. this was the other side to the story in achebe's book. what was wrong with honoring your gods generation after generation? what was wrong with having a hierachy in the village if everyone for the most part was happy with it and didn't complain? yes, they did some things there that we wouldn't tolerate in our society, not the least of which was killing people who broke laws or rules or banishing people from the society for again violating time honored traditions. we consider these acts to be acts of small minded barbarians. yes, maybe so. but what are we basing this upon? european, christian based tradition. a pygmy society in south america or a society of islanders in the south pacific aren't necessarily going to be made happier or spiritually better by having what is normal to them replaced by what we consider to be better. a good working example of that is the shameful way we "subdued" the native americans in our country. one look at how they have adopted or adapted our western european lifestyle ought to show the value, or lack thereof, of this mindset. are native americans better off on their reservations? have we honored their cultures? are they better off because we rounded them up, put them on reservations that can support no visible ways of making a living in the white world? are they a better people because we took their children from them and forced them to go to school miles away from their families, forced them to convert to christianity, and forced them to learn english and abandon their traditional native languages and cultures? i would have to think the answer is pretty obvious.

from the classrooms of hanover county to the streets of rwanda, from the huts of islanders in the south pacific to the towns of iraq, we keep pushing forward with an agenda filled with arrogance. it seems to me that we should honor people's rights to live their lives as they wish. the only common denominator should be that we harm no one else in the process. this would include the abuse, especially sexually, of children in any culture. but even drawing that line would be difficult i think. we complain about the sexual mutilation of young girls in certain african tribes and how that should be stopped. but at the same time, this is what is "normal" to these tribes, and has been as long as they have existed. to "civilized" society, inflicting pain upon a child in this manner is an abomination and should be stopped. but their culture might consider our permissive society and its influence on our children an equal abomination because we have no set rules and they are always under discussion.

everything in life doesn't need to be discussed, debated or destroyed. while the "n word" question was a legitimate one in the classroom situation i described, it was handled in a way that reflected the majority's belief concerning sensitivity and fairness. not much thought went into how it would feel if you were the minority under the microscope like a bug. it wasn't so much the forcing of the answers from the minority students as it was the insensitivity of the majority to the position we had put those kids in. i do not believe that either of the two teachers in the classroom thought they were doing anything wrong. in fact, i believe they were following what they considered to be a right path of equal questioning from both sides. however, when the balance is glaringly off kilter in favor of one side, as it was in this situation, some sensitivity to that position probably should have been considered. however, i wasn't there, and i truly cannot judge what happened. i can only point out that we as humans need to be constantly thinking not only about what we think is normal, but what is normal for the other person gazing back at us. we may not like what we see, and we are free, at least in this country, to walk away from it and to retreat to our comfort zone. however, to continue to do that does not in the long run help anything. it only perpettuates the polarizations that exist worldwide as well as in this country. wouldn't life be sweet if we could, as rodney king ironically said, "just all get along."

in the fibro fog

i have a wonderful little disease called fibromyalgia. it is a good disease to have if you want to develop a sense of humor. you want to tell yourself that god must be playing a joke on you to give you this wonderful cross to bear each day. so as a result, you have to learn to laugh and make lemonade out of the lemon.

fibro has a variety of symptoms that wax and wane, but never entirely go away. each individual has to deal with certain symptoms and/or combinations of symptoms almost on a daily basis. the two biggest ones are constant overall pain and the lack of deep sleep. for those who don't know what this pain is about, remember how you feel the day you come down with the flu. your whole body aches, and sometimes it feels as if even your hair hurts. well, that is how it feels for a fibro person like me. the pain is everywhere . it is further complicated by the fact that you don't get any deep sleep, so you can't get the pain to go away. drugs don't do it. actually, the only thing that does help is exercise, which is usually the last thing you don't want to do when everything hurts. imagine someone telling you to go out and walk for 30 minutes on the first day of the flu. we also suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome, which in it self makes you exhausted. there are other symptoms as well: migraine headaches, muscle weakness(i drop things a lot and choke), visual problems(from the muscle weakness), and the ultimate culmination of all the symptoms over a long period of time: FIBRO FOG.

the fog has been the most frustrating thing to me, especially now. i need to be sharp to teach my kids, and i keep ending up in the english workroom wondering what it was i went in there for...! i ask the same thing over and over again because i can't remember the answer, and then i repeat myself in class, or forget where i was in the middle of a discussion. not the best thing to happen if you are an english teacher.

right now i feel like i have been beaten with a blunt instrument. but the good news is that i discovered today that they actually have iced tea in the cafeteria at lunch. today was also reuben day, a big one that everyone looks forward to. i used my dreaded lunch duty to power walk, so i have gotten in my 30 minutes of exercise today and actually broke a sweat. franklin, one of our school's special ed students who is retarded and deaf, tried to communicate with me today and gave me a crushing bear hug which i wasn't expecting. i also was really on today in my b2 class, and i think they really got what i was discussing. i made a point of telling some of my colleagues this, as we spend way too much time complaining about stuff and not celebrating the little miracles when they occur. no one has come to me complaining today that i made some sort of faxu pax last night at back to school night, which is good, since i seem to be the focal point for trouble because i think and act differently. i was able to eat my whole reuben lunch (over 2 hours) without getting sick, a new thing. and in general, i am feeling lucky in a lot of ways. i am here, i am able to do things, i have a house, and i got a paycheck with a real amount today. the latter is a big deal in my life, as i have been docked $700 a month since april/may.

anatomy of a good day

on sunday, i found out the name of the guy who stands across the aisle from me at church services each sunday. his name is billy. he lives in one of the group homes near the church, and he helped me unload a bunch of care boxes and other donated items for katrina relief. this was a positive thing. i also got my copy of the sunday ny times, which was also good, as that was only the 2nd time in 5 weeks. another good sign.

when god closes up a door, he generally opens up a window somewhere. for me, i look for signs, and generally it comes in the form of pennies from heaven. i believe that when you find one, it means that an angel or someone who has passed on is sending you a sign that he/she is looking out for you. my experience has been that i generally find one when i need one, in the least likely of places. they always cheer me up and give me some glimmer of hope. to get to a rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

so i found the penny on my way into the WaWa in petersburg, va. it was after a few other nice things had happened.

i had been to church, and the music was super. it was a throw together band, as the music director had to suddenly leave and return to his home in texas due to family problems. music is such a strength at the church, so there was just the worry of "who will take over"? but once again, a higher power came through, and people pitched in and the music was wonderful. it reaffirmed why i like this little church congregation.

on my drive to petersburg (austin was playing in a baseball tourney), i talked on the phone to david modena, the husband of my college roomie, mary beth. mb and i have periodic "adventures" which usually involve some sort of music or interesting thing to do. david always jokes that we are off to smoke dope and get drunk, although neither of us do any of that anymore! the new adventure is a trip to d.c. in january to a conference a the hyatt capital hill. it seems that 2 of my recent rave-abouts, anne lamott (author) and richard rohr(radical franciscan priest) are together with another author for one day there! how good is that?! what was better is that david wants to go with mb and i to this. so i have something really cool to look forward to.

but back to WaWa. i love WaWa. what a wacky name! but i really love their brand ice tea, which is cheap and good, and i love the fact that you can buy a washington post or ny times sunday edition there. the added treat on sunday was the gas was ten cents cheaper there than in richmond, and i found the penny going in to buy the tea. a shiny, new penny. it made me smile and i looked around for the angel.

austin's team won the tournament, and they looked wonderful. he played with confidence and watching these boys play this weekend was the culmination of 6 years worth of work to get the best players in his age group all on one team at one time. they will be national contenders this summer. they all seemed to be happy, disciplined, talented boys. what a plus.

bebo came to austin's last game and he and i had a long chat in the stands about life, which has gotten very complicated very fast. it was sort of a bonding moment, one that i doubt i will get again in light of his recent engagement and the struggles his fiancee is having with my relationship with bebo and his family. he is a good person, but his communications skills have always been open to question, as have some of the choices he has made. i feel strongly that the best thing for austin is for me not to lay blame on either bebo or his fiancee about the difficulties between austin and his father. i think the issue is her insecurity, and the best way i know to assuage her feelings is to address the issue and not run from it. she is trying to force a separation that is indeed necessary, but could be avoided or made less obvious and awkward if she were less worried about being the alpha dog. in any case, there are some hard issues coming up concerning bebo's moving in with her and his marriage. a lot of changes and adjustments are being made, and not everyone is on the same page about things. i told bebo he needed to talk to her about this, and if he thought it would help, i will just catch her off guard and talk about the elephant in the living room.

it was a nice day, cooler and it held the promise of fall, which i am ready for. i hate the hot weather and summer. austin kissed and hugged his father goodbye in the parking lot and said he would see him on wednesday, their usual weekly day, and this was good. on thursday he had said he needed a break from his father. breaks are good when they allow you to reaccess things and get a better perspective.

it is good to have a good day. i guess that is what faith is all about...:)

a shift in the teutonic plates of our country...

my father just sent me some of his right wing crap that this time deals with cindy sheehan. it seems that the right wingers have gone on yet another tirade, and are doing what they do best, which is "digging up dirt" on ms.. sheehan. i am supposed to believe that if you research her life and background, this will somehow nullify what she was doing. why, in this country, can't we just accept people with their flaws and faults, and not feel the necessity to always win by tearing down the opposition? whatever became of standing by your own message, and not feel the need to tear down the other person? all of it is just psychological diversion from the real subject. if you aren't comfortable with the truth of the subject, you immediately divert with something completely not related. whatever kind of person cindy sheehan may or may not have been in the past has nothing to do with the present. in the present she is this: a mother who lost her son in a senseless war she is someone who wants the president to get out of his ivory tower and see the real human results of this war. she is a grieving parent. she is a citizen. she is a middle-aged woman. what her personality is like or how her marriages went has nothing to do with anything now.

we are sitting here in virginia in the middle of a governor's battle in which each of the two major party candidates are spending more time insulting each other than they are discussing the issues. the only one addressing the issues is the independent candidate. may other people besides me be disgusted with the political "business is usual" attitude and vote for the guy who looks on the surface as if he doesn't have a chance. he will have a chance if enough people start looking a little closer and cast their votes because they believe in the person, not in the probabilities. i am really tired of hearing "it's a wasted vote" as the reason why people don't vote with their hearts and minds. as long as we follow this defeatist course, no change is ever going to be made for the good. it doesn't take a brain surgeon to see that we are on a downward spiral in this country, and we need some positive changes. we need some positive people, not rich egomaniacs who use the position to satisfy some sort of personal ego need. a poor person has no chance to be elected these days because of the money and graft involved. so we are left with the same old same old over and over again. what poor choices we had in this last presidential election, and the one before it. it is sad when you don't want to vote, or you end up voting for the "lesser of 2 evils."

change happens when people take a stand. it is time to take a stand. it isn't all about me getting what i want. it is about looking at our collective society, and putting hard work and elbow grease to work to make change. it isn't just about writing a check to the red cross and feeling self-satisfied because you have helped. it is more about doing something that takes a little sacrifice, something that disrupts the routine and makes you sit up and notice. it is making the choice to make care boxes for people in the gulf coast area and collecting and delivering them to someone who needs it. it is opening up your homes or volunteering to work in a shelter, instead of assuming that someone else is doing the work.

we are a fat, bloated, closeminded, selfish society. we just had a dose of reality this past week. may the good that comes out of it be the sudden realization that we are NOT SAFE in our cushioned little worlds. may we learn that it isn't all about money and material things, although watching the tv and seeing the victims, it is really hard not to think that the socioeconomic setup in this country allowed those who could afford to to escape from new orleans and the other areas. those who could, went. those who couldn't, stayed. and stayed. and stayed. and died in some cases.

as a nation, we need to take a hard look at what we really are and what we really want to be. to make the right choices is going to involve sacrifice in time and work. to make the right choices is going to involve being able to stand up against the tide and continue to stand, no matter how much you are battered, both mentally and physically. it is going to involve digging deep, and touching the courage and truth that we all have, but have somehow lost or ignored. we have to be aware, and sensitive. to do that involves getting out of our comfort zones. let's hope we can do it.

Katrina and the waves, and waves, and waves

all i needed to snap myself out of my menopause and life related depression was to look at the tv and read the paper....

when i thought things were bad, i could remind myself that i had clothing, my son, and water to drink. i didn't have to worry about making sure austin had water and food, or if he was going to live. i can't imagine as a parent what the agony must be to try and take care of your children in the circumstances that currently exist in new orleans and the gulfport/biloxi area. i know that parents don't think about themselves and their needs when there is a threat to their kids...the enormous fear for the welfare of your children instinctively takes over, and you do what you have to do.

the waves from katrina will penetrate the country far further than the miles of physical destruction. there will be good that comes from this...i believe that nothing happens without a reason, and that something positive will rise from the rubble and despair.

this country for a long time has needed an attitude change about our involvement with material things and the acceptance of all types of people. with few exceptions, the faces we are seeing on tv are of mostly poor, black people. these were people who couldn't afford to get out of new orleans before the hurricane. they didn't have any place to go, and no money to get there. they didn't have transportation. if they had gotten out, how would they have paid for lodging? so they stayed, and they are still sitting on roofs and god knows where else waiting for help. but in all truth, these people have been waiting for help for a lot longer than the last 5 days. they just haven't been sitting on a rooftop trying desperately to flag someone down and get our attention. one had a sign that said "help us" and truthfully, we should have tried a little harder before this disaster occurred. it isn't just a city that is decimated. it is a lifestyle, and in this case, it should be an attitude.

the lack of governmental response is staggering. from my standpoint, it just glaringly highlights the difference between the haves and the have nots. those who have got out of new orleans, and most of the reason they "had" what they had was because of economics. they had money to leave and places where they could safely go and a way to get there. the have nots, many of them, did what was asked which was to evacuate to the convention center and the superdome. they did what was asked, and they were left there, forgotten it seems. how was it that reporters were able to get in and film and be with these people, yet the national guard and army weren't? why couldn't food or water or drugs be airlifted and dropped for people if they couldn't safely ford the water? new orleans has been a time bomb for years just waiting for "the big one" to burst the levees, which they KNEW could only withstand a category 3 hurricane. this has been known for years, but nothing seems to have been done to make those levees stronger and no evacuation or emergency plan was ever actively set up it seems. the irony is that the flooding for the most part is in the poor sections of the area...the garden district with the wealthy is on higher ground, as is much of the french quarter. the wealthy and haves live in the higher areas, whereas the poor dwell literally and figuritively in the low areas, the bottom of the bowl, the first areas to be swallowed up.

where are all these people going to go? who will take them in? how will we collectively be able to give them a way to start their lives over again?

my belief is that this country needs to reinstate some sort of CCC or WPA program for those who cannot support themselves. too long have we just handed out welfare checks and food stamps to those who need the help, yet we never gave those individuals a reason NOT to need or depend on the assistance. these are people, in some cases, who are several generations down- the-line welfare recipients. the life of public assistance is all some have ever known, and the environments that they live in don't foster a way out of the circle of despair.

the two things that change a person's position in society are education and hard work. education gives us options that we don't have without it, and hard work helps develop pride in what we can indeed accomplish. we have a faction of society with few options because of their lack of education and we give them little or no incentive to learn about pride through doing work THEY ARE PROUD OF. consider the fact that our own skyline drive and blue ridge parkway were built during the depression by men who left their homes to work to provide for their families. they developed pride in 2 ways...one, by being able to earn money themselves with dignity, and secondly, by creating something beautiful and lasting that each could point his finger to and say "i helped create this."

i would suggest that while all of these displaced people are waiting for the next steps in their lives, we could go to the shelters or places that they are staying and educate them. let them get their GED's. put them to work rebuilding their towns and pay them for it. find useful things for them to do...put some to work supervising the children in a makeshift daycare while other adults work. it would be best if eventually these tasks could be done in their home environments, but if they can't, let us not let these misplaced humans sit idly waiting for the next step. our immediate help obviously starts with the basics: food, water, shelter, medicine. but it can't end when the cleanup begins. the biggest cleanup isn't for those who have lost everything. it is for US, those who have, who need to cleanup our attitude about material things, and how our self esteem and motivation are so tied to the acquisiton of it.

i believe that any person who is in a position to influence for the good has a moral obligation to use that position to help better all that is around him. that means doing more than just writing a check and letting yourself off the hook. money is needed, but someone has to roll up the sleeves and do the hard work of working directly with the people who need it most. we don't need to just give these people a fish to meet their immediate hungers. we need to give them a pole and bait and teach them to fish. we need to be fishers of men. we need to pick one thing that each of us can do well that not only helps these people, but doesn't insulate us from the reality that we want to both help, yet avoid. wecongratulate ourselves for having done our part, but sometimes it takes more than just our money...it takes our heart and caring about people who are outside of our immediate circle of family and friends.

how we as a nation respond to this crisis not just now but in the next 6 months, will either make us or break us. we can continue as we have and create more and more discord and negativity, or we can vow to serve and begin small to create a more positive, global society. the united states has all we could ever want, but we have squandered many of our opportunities and become almost arrogant in our attitudes about those with less than we have. we have been easily able to insulate ourselves from poverty and want, and gloat in the fact that we are the best nation in the world. we are. but we don't act like it all the time, and the way our government has responded to this crisis is sad, shameful, and humbling.