on Higher Ground: December 2009

this year my christmas foxhole seems to be a little more civilized and i am wearing it like a pair of flannel pjs. it is not wool and itchy. it is smooth and baggy. i get lost in it sometimes, but for the most part it is right now ok.

so what was that all about?

normally, i feel like a soldier on guard in the middle of the night, alone and on alert. i am looking for all possible ways to be invaded and attacked. when things are quiet, i never allow myself to think about anything other than the immediate mission: to stay prepared for the blow. it will come. it is just a matter of time, and a matter of out thinking the enemy.

i guess that is one helluva way to consider your supposed happy holidays and the players in that xmas play, the family. but it is what it is. despite my attempts to rid myself of xmas hopes, i am always somehow disappointed. the best i could ask for would be to approach the holidays from the standpoint of no expectations. that works for me, but it doesn't work for my mother, who invents the mythical family xmas in her head each year. i spend a lot of time trying to make that come true, but i can't control the actions of others. the dry run of this behavior was thanksgiving, where she got upset over something pretty simple dealing with the food. you could just look at the facial expression and then the pout. i recognized the switch very quickly, and then attempted to change the subject and divert. the problem here is that it wasn't anything that i said...and there is the rub. i can't control what austin or uncle jack or daddy said or did. but the effect is the same. she has an attitude switch, and then the awkwardness begins.

this year, she headed out on the same path of we will do this, we will do that. what i hate about it is that it is all so orchestrated and FAKE, or at least seems fake to me. all this stuff about family and being together basically makes my skin crawl. if that were true, there would not be the incidents, the ugly words, the silences, the criticism, the underlying tension. as a family, i think we are quite fractured. i can't stay in that environment for an extended period of time, so i come home and go to the davis' xmas dinner and then return. too much togetherness makes me insane, especially when i don't want to be in that situation. it is several days of being on foxhole alert, knowing that the invasion is imminent.

so right now i am trying to enjoy simple pleasures. i have been writing about them on facebook. things that are small and make me happy. i am trying to circle around those, utilize them, take small moments of pleasure and use them to bolster my resolve to get through the holidays. this year i have let go of a lot of things, mostly the desire to get everything right for my mother. i realize now i just can't do it. the first thing on the list of problems has been with lindsey coming down to the beach during this time. austin had envisioned her coming down there for several days. my mother has an attitude both about lindsey and about lindsey being an outsider invading the xmas expectations/vision that she has. the vision is NOT inclusive. the only players allowed in the play are the ones she wants, and she has all of the roles picked out. lindsey is an unknown, and a stress in my mother's mind, for last year we had amy and despite the fact that i thought things went ok, it stressed out my mother because she felt responsible for amy's happiness and spent too much time (in her opinion) watching amy and feeling responsible for her happiness. this was not a good thing for mom, because she only wanted to concentrate on making her vision come true. amy, while quiet and unobtrusive (in my opinion), was a huge distraction apparently to my mother. she mentioned having to work to talk to her and then amy having a stomach issue. the irony is that i didn't see it that way, but the lesson for me is that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS TRUE OR JUSTIFIED. it is what my mother walked away with, and subsequently it colored her vision of what she wanted this year.

the problem just continues with me. each year i try to anticipate what she wants, and that in turn causes me to be totally stressed out. i just can't anticipate it. i should just let it go, but i can't and in a way, that makes me just as bad as my mother. i, too, have a vision...which is NO vision. i would just like to have things fall where they may. i don't have to have everyone participate, although it is hard not to do that. i just like it to be quiet, sort of. and i guess i have to admit that i look at xmas as the time to see if i am valued. if it is based upon presents and things like that, i am ranking pretty low. apparently, the perception is that this is no big deal. it just goes to show you how each person approaches xmas with a different type of expectation. i have to say that for many years i appreciated the gifts that doris gave me. she was the only one, in my opinion, who took the time to think about what i would want, or to find something that she thought i would be interested in. that was because she paid attention when i wasn't paying attention. i don't truthfully have anyone now that i know is paying any attention to me or what i like or want. consequently, i end up feeling a lot un-special. this is the heart of my xmas dreariness. with doris gone, no husband, and a male child who is like his father, that eliminates that. plus, add in my mother, who last year declared they would not being gifts, and there you have it...the ultimate visual that the parents don't have a clue that this might be important to me. my mother pretty much has never given much thought to me or my feelings. for the most part, i embarrass her because i do have emotions. but she has spent my lifetime pretty much making me pay for that ability.

into the fray enters lindsey, who is the opposite of amy and a whole different set of issues. mom immediately said no overnight with lindsey. just to show you how different we are, i didn't remember any of the things that stuck in my mother's mind about amy's visit last year, not the least of it being that i didn't remember she spent the night. my mother did. so when they were up here last week for austin's basketball game against hanover, my mother immediately started with there will be no interlopers in the xmas vision this year. i told her that austin had thought he was going to bring lindsey down for at least overnight, and mom said now. she actually pouted, even with the facial expressions and vocals and lower lip stuck out. i told her i would handle it, no small feat. mom seems to think lindsey or me are the source of problems that austin has, especially lindsey. so naturally, lindsey would be the target in the xmas pageant. so i told austin she was only down for the day. he wasn't getting it, which i guess is fortunate, in that i didn't want him to know that she doesn't really like lindsey (while all the while saying she does, but she doesn't.) i am not sure if she would like anyone...which is one reason i kept my friends from her. she is quick with the critical, nasty comment out of left field. she can hone in on things that you never saw, and she is not forgiving, nor is she forgetting.
in any case, i told her i had handled it all...i would bring lindsey for the day. but then she started obsessing over the break in the plans and began with the "her coming has spoiled everything" overture/unspoken thing. i was somewhat exasperated, because i got it down to her coming for a day, but mom wasn't having it. nothing was going easily in this case, so i just said she would have to make a switch. have the boys make the lasagna on tuesday and serve it for lunch on wednesday. she couldn't get off the spoiling it thing (her vision of what the boys, who could give a shit, would be doing...they must do their traditional shopping, make the lasagna, and whatever my sainted brother was planning). i spoke with my dad, finally, at the end of the conversation and told him he needed to get her in a place where compromise was a virtue. he didn't say much, but he knows what i am talking about. he certainly lives with it and has for over 50 years. in any case, a few hours later she called, repentant of sorts, to say she had changed her mind. unfortunately, for me, a stressful moment: austin was sitting next to me at the pad thai place for lunch, and had just been chortling about how he would wear down the grandmother so she would let lindsey come down. he grabbed the phone out of my hand, and that actually was what she was calling to tell me. she had had a change of heart. i wonder what my father said or did, if anything, but in any case she has been a bit sheepish about the retraction, but she did retract the dictum, so lindsey is now going overnight. i have told my mother i would handle lindsey and she would not have to be stuck with her or entertain her by herself (this happened recently when austin took lindsey to the beach to visit them.)

of course, this now puts the problem of lindsey on me, which means i am going to have to brief her before the battle, and at least ATTEMPT to get her to tone down her act. austin will also need to do that, and of course, the stress now gets to extend to another generation. i am once again thankful that i have the davis dinner to escape to. i have used it the last several years to give me a break from family togetherness.

at this point, at least i know what my role is going to be in the family fractured fairytale. my hope is that nothing else crops up that i will have to manage. i am not feeling like i want to manage anything, as exhibited by my complete lack of interest in doing anything for xmas that smacks of organization. i got my lights up outside courtesy of the kids. i have played my xmas music. i got a tree and put it up and it has lights on it, but so far no decorations. i will get to those when i get motivated. today i am hoping to do a dry run on the ravioli i want to make as xmas presents. i haven't put xmas stuff up in the house yet, but i will when i feel like it. i am enjoying things piecemeal, like my xmas socks and outfits. i haven't added anything this year, which is a good thing i think.

so, now i have written down the tentative script for this years play. let the festivities/rehearsals begin...

this does sort of hit the heart of what i have been blue about over the last few weeks. i had a huge breakdown a week ago after austin just attacked me out of the blue over my dropping the television. it was as if he just had to come upstairs and start something with me. it made me feel exactly the way this article says you will feel if you allow someone to get to you. unfortunately, i am just no good at protecting myself these days, although i have felt better since i had the big cry. austin has been a bit more docile, but there are still problems, and by his own admission, it appears he is depressed. i don't know what exactly it is about, but i have gotten him in to see my old therapist on friday. i did talk to her on the phone last night and she asked a lot of background questions. she did say that his problems may be more adhd related than depression related. in any case, i am doing all i can to get him what he needs to get back on his feet.

December 2, 2009
Choosing Not To Be a Target of Emotional Attacks
Hurtful confrontations often leave us feeling drained and confused. When someone attacks us emotionally, we may wonder what we did to rouse their anger, and we take their actions personally. We may ask ourselves what we could have done to compel them to behave or speak that way toward us. It’s important to remember that there are no real targets in an emotional attack and that it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their uncomfortable feelings away from themselves. When people are overcome by strong emotions, like hurt or anguish, they may see themselves as victims and lash out at others as a means of protection or to make themselves feel better. You may be able to shield yourself from an emotional attack by not taking the behavior personally. First, however, it is good to cultivate a state of detachment that can provide you with some protection from the person who is attacking you. This will allow you to feel compassion for this person and remember that their beha! vior isn’t as much about you as it is about their need to vent their emotions. If you have difficulty remaining unaffected by someone’s behavior, take a moment to breathe deeply and remind yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong, and you aren’t responsible for people’s feelings. If you can see that this person is indirectly expressing a need to you—whether they are reaching out for help or wanting to be heard—you may be able to diffuse the attack by getting them to talk about what is really bothering them. You cannot control other people’s emotions, but you can control your own. If you sense yourself responding to their negativity, try not to let yourself. Keep your heart open to them, and they may let go of their defensiveness and yield to your compassion and openness.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

sailing on an even keel into the holidays

Sunday, December 6, 2009

simple pleasures

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Daily OM-Choosing Not To Be a Target of Emotional Attacks

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