there are moments when i drift back to this place that i don't like, and i dwell in it. maybe it is normal for women my age to feel this way, but over the last few days, i have felt like the girl cave with the cats is the best place to be. contact with the outside world seems to exacerbate my feelings that i am never a priority in any other person's life, and never have been.
why is that?
too much time has been wasted trying to figure this one out. it is what it is. but how did it get to be this way? was this part of the package when i came here this time? am i supposed to be working this out? i am trying to be open minded, but i keep coming back over and over to this. no one out there in my life, especially those people who should be concerned about me, seem to take me or my feelings seriously. this gives me a serious case of "i-feel-sorry-for me" and, while i don't like it, it is starting to be a nasty little niche i stay in.
when i was a kid i couldn't make any friends who seemed to like me or want to seek me out. i was the afterthought, the 3rd wheel, the kid someone hung with because she was just there. i know i talked a lot, i know i was hyperactive. but i also know i wanted friends, and none sought me out. i always had to be the person trying to make friends with someone. it didn't improve when we moved to richmond and i spent middle school with no significant best friends until i met pauline, ginny and ginger. they were considerably older than i was, but did seem to like having me around and we did things together and it was fine. but then they all grew up, and by 1971, that was over and i was on my own at school and in the neighborhood.
i met m.j. in 1973 and have spent the last 35 years being at the bottom of the pedestal looking up. after having spent 4 days with her in june, i finally got the closure i needed. she herself said that if it hadn't been for me, she probably wouldn't still be friends with me. that says a lot. and it is also indicative of what i have done my whole life, which is make the phone calls, maintain the lifeline. few people actually call me. and again, i have to wonder why.
but it gets worse in many ways when i look at those people in my life who were supposed to love me and think about me. parents. bebo. austin. and in all cases, i am sort of insignificant on their radars, a blip. my mother i have spent a lifetime trying to please, and while i have figured out somethings, i am never without my guard up. she is getting better in her old age, but i do not trust her with my feelings too much. i try, too much i might say, and i am always disappointed. i have at least learned she is not to be trusted to not hurt me, but i guess i will go to my grave being optimistic. the fact is, she is emotionally unavailable in most ways for me. her reactions to anything i say involving how i feel are never what you would expect from a mother. they aren't comforting. there isn't much of a feeling of anything but anger or annoyance with who or what has upset me. she doesn't know how to comfort. i know it is not her fault, and thank god i learned that lesson as i got older. but it still doesn't mean i don't wish to be parented like the model.
bebo never really gave a shit about my feelings or what i needed/wanted. even when would tell him, if he didn't have the same feelings/experiences under his belt, what i felt was insignificant. period. and this was someone i was married to for 14 years. while he is a good person, he was unavailable too.
my brother is totally caught up in his own thoughts and problems, and when i discuss or mention anything to him, he is off on a tangent of either comparing himself to the problem (and how his experience might have been worse), giving me advice (based upon his own experiences, which aren't mine), or talking about himself for long periods of time and forgetting whatever it was that i was talking about. this is why i don't like talking to him anymore.
and then there is austin, who has the incredible ability to make me just weep. i see, unfortunately, his father and his lack of empathy stamped all over austin, and it worries me. i cannot distinguish any longer whether his choices are because he is 17, or if they are who he has developed into. unquestionably, being a male AND a young are playing into all of this. but he is just either hell bent on doing what he wants, or he is just so unconnected that he doesn't care. he doesn't seem to value what i feel. i cannot seem to get him to see that he needs to stop arguing with me and just give me a little comfort or at least validation. he doesn't need to have had the experience to be at least sympathetic. instead, he makes things all worse by arguing with me until i am crying, more out of frustration that no one hears me than anything else. and when i reach that point, it hurts. and i am down into the girl cave and hiding.
time passing seems to smooth over the waves of whatever tempest has upset the current boat. but i keep going back to the same question: why doesn't anyone love me enough to care how i feel? what is it about me that no one seems to want to listen to what i have to say or even give me a hug? i am bereft of all of this type of comfort when down, and this is why i find my cats to be ultimately more delightful and helpful than humans.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
patience and the same old same old
austin spent the evening with my brother, who promptly called me to tell me about the alien who has become my son. not that i did not know that he is someone now that i don't recognize, but hearing my brother go on and on about it was almost redundant. worry, worry, worry. he isn't the person he was at xmas. blah, blah, blah. it isn't that i don't appreciate his observations, but they were negative. and then there was his take on lindsey, and i find myself again, suprisingly, having to defend this kid as not being the reason that austin has become a swaggering asshole.
i am not looking forward to being pinned down by my parental units over the next 2 days about austin. i know they will both try and talk to me about him, and worm info out of me. i have got to get some resolve and just refuse to discuss stuff. they, especially my mother, know how to push all of my buttons and exploit my weaknesses to their advantage. i just do not want anything else to color how they think about lindsey. it really isn't fair. they don't know her, and they are putting me in the position of having to sort of choose between their observations and whether or not they are correct. they are correct, but they are jumping to conclusions without the proper information. bottom line: i like her. i am the "mother-in-law" and i am the person with first right of refusal. period.
i am not looking forward to being pinned down by my parental units over the next 2 days about austin. i know they will both try and talk to me about him, and worm info out of me. i have got to get some resolve and just refuse to discuss stuff. they, especially my mother, know how to push all of my buttons and exploit my weaknesses to their advantage. i just do not want anything else to color how they think about lindsey. it really isn't fair. they don't know her, and they are putting me in the position of having to sort of choose between their observations and whether or not they are correct. they are correct, but they are jumping to conclusions without the proper information. bottom line: i like her. i am the "mother-in-law" and i am the person with first right of refusal. period.
Daily OM- Residing at the Helm/Being Your Own Village
July 2, 2009
Residing at the Helm
Being Your Own Village
Simple survival requires us to be in possession of many skills. The pursuit of dreams requires many more. Most individuals rely on the support of a village, whether peopled by relatives or community members, to effectively address the numerous ways we need assistance. This can mean anything from asking favors of acquaintances and leaning on loved ones for support to paying a skilled artisan to handle specialized tasks. However, each human being is born with the capacity to be their own village. We embody many roles throughout our lifetimes, all of which are representative of our capacity for self-sufficiency and self-determination. In different moments in our lives, we are our own counselor, janitor, caregiver, cook, healer, teacher, and student. Our willingness to joyfully take on these roles grants us the power to maintain control over the direction our life’s journey takes.
In times past, human beings learned all of the skills needed for survival. Today, the majority of people specialize in a single discipline, which they hone throughout their lives. Thus, many of us feel uncomfortable standing at the helm of our own existence. We question our ability to make decisions concerning our own health, happiness, and welfare, and are left feeling dependent and powerless. But the authority to take ultimate responsibility for our lives is simply a matter of believing that we have the necessary faith and intelligence to cope with any circumstance the universe chooses to place in our path. Proving that we can each be our own villages through action enables us to accept that we are strong enough to exist autonomously. Cooking, cultivating a garden of fruits and vegetables, undertaking minor home repair, or adopting a healthier lifestyle can help you reassert your will.
Being your own village does not mean embracing isolation, for a balanced life is built upon the dual foundations of the inner and the outer villages. Rather, being your own village is a celebration of your wondrous inner strength and resourcefulness, as well as an acknowledgment of your innate ability to capably steer the course of your life.
This is good advice for me today. i need to be more confident about doing things for myself. i need to stand up for myself, do what i want when i want and not be such an emotional wimp. more than anything, i need to accept i am unique and different. i am NOT like the members of my family, though i have certainly been influenced by my upbringing. but i think i am a little more questioning, more open to thinking things through. i am learning this week to be alone and to let things go that i cannot control. it is not easy going. i am not succeeding 100 percent. but i am trying, and that is a step.
Residing at the Helm
Being Your Own Village
Simple survival requires us to be in possession of many skills. The pursuit of dreams requires many more. Most individuals rely on the support of a village, whether peopled by relatives or community members, to effectively address the numerous ways we need assistance. This can mean anything from asking favors of acquaintances and leaning on loved ones for support to paying a skilled artisan to handle specialized tasks. However, each human being is born with the capacity to be their own village. We embody many roles throughout our lifetimes, all of which are representative of our capacity for self-sufficiency and self-determination. In different moments in our lives, we are our own counselor, janitor, caregiver, cook, healer, teacher, and student. Our willingness to joyfully take on these roles grants us the power to maintain control over the direction our life’s journey takes.
In times past, human beings learned all of the skills needed for survival. Today, the majority of people specialize in a single discipline, which they hone throughout their lives. Thus, many of us feel uncomfortable standing at the helm of our own existence. We question our ability to make decisions concerning our own health, happiness, and welfare, and are left feeling dependent and powerless. But the authority to take ultimate responsibility for our lives is simply a matter of believing that we have the necessary faith and intelligence to cope with any circumstance the universe chooses to place in our path. Proving that we can each be our own villages through action enables us to accept that we are strong enough to exist autonomously. Cooking, cultivating a garden of fruits and vegetables, undertaking minor home repair, or adopting a healthier lifestyle can help you reassert your will.
Being your own village does not mean embracing isolation, for a balanced life is built upon the dual foundations of the inner and the outer villages. Rather, being your own village is a celebration of your wondrous inner strength and resourcefulness, as well as an acknowledgment of your innate ability to capably steer the course of your life.
This is good advice for me today. i need to be more confident about doing things for myself. i need to stand up for myself, do what i want when i want and not be such an emotional wimp. more than anything, i need to accept i am unique and different. i am NOT like the members of my family, though i have certainly been influenced by my upbringing. but i think i am a little more questioning, more open to thinking things through. i am learning this week to be alone and to let things go that i cannot control. it is not easy going. i am not succeeding 100 percent. but i am trying, and that is a step.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
rearrangments, adjustments, the computer in my head...
we have not invented the technology that would allow your thoughts to go directly to paper. if that were the case, i would have filled up a book in the last few weeks. instead, i have thought about it. the thoughts have been like lumber going down a stream, random and running fast and then jamming at some point and stopping. at points i have been on the banks of the stream looking at them, at other points i have been in the stream. there is always a flow of water, of life, going on and on. and i am stuck. i am always stuck in life it seems.
the daily OM today talks about your purpose in life, and i have thought that one of those reasons i have crashed down in this particular scenario has had something to do with austin. i think that is true, but now i have reached a place where it is time for me to reexamine what i am doing, and maybe to adjust to a new purpose. on many levels i have believed that i should be a teacher, and i have taken the most conventional form of that and made it my life's work. but maybe that isn't it. maybe i am supposed to do something else, influence or change in some other way. i just don't know. and i am back in the logjam, again.
so many changes with austin. all of a sudden, he was gone and he is grown. what started it all was the simple act of getting as driver's license. it let him free in the world to take him wherever he wanted, gave him options he didn't previously have easy access to. life got to be cici's pizza buffet, with lots of good things, and any time you have too much of a good thing, it can turn around and bite you in the ass.
he has switched girlfriends. in a lot of ways, amy was a blessing in that she was naive, shy and very sheltered. i saw some good things come out of that relationship, and one of those was austin's ability to protect and care. but he outgrew her, and i realized that i really didn't know my son, or what made him happy. i went along with what i saw, and believed he was secure and happy. in fact, he was bored and tired of her and needed to move on because, as he said, he wasn't himself with her.
enter lindsey into his world. a student of mine this past year, she is about everything amy isn't, but not necessarily in bad way. she is open, forthright, outspoken, not shy. she set her goal to get him, and she did. he was a bit naive about the pursuit, but not really. she seems to make him happier and more relaxed, and he has a life separate from her, which he really didn't have with amy. he says and does anything with her, which he didn't do with amy, and i guess that is a good thing. along with this, however, came sex. and he told me about it, somewhere in the winding hills of southern ohio on a two lane road to nowhere. in fact, the road was going somewhere, but not where i thought it would go.
how i have handled the sex thing has been interesting. i did cry. i didn't know why, but austin did. he said it was because he was not a little kid anymore with this step. he was exactly right. we talked a lot about it, and about the quickness of this choice. i knew it was coming, but i was shocked at how fast it happened.
this led me to asking a lot of frank questions to both austin and lindsey. how were they able to make this choice of giving up their virginity so quickly? what i found out was that it seems that kids do NOT place a lot of emotional value on this act. it is perceived as being an "animal instinct" according to kelley lowe. this point of view came in a conversation between kelley, her mother (MJ) and myself sitting at the table in my kitchen discussing viewpoints. curiously, it seems that kids today are more afraid of words and talking as intimacy then they are of baring their bodies and the awkwardness and exposure of sex.
this is an interesting concept, and i have adopted it. it is radically different from my age and time. all of my contemporaries were in their twenties before we had sex, and everyone, except me, had it only with the person they married. we were all scared i believe of exposing ourselves. this was like some sacred, holy act. but it has been shown increasingly over the past few decades that we are dinosaurs wandering around jurassic park and our children are frolicking merrily outside the walls. so this spring, and these weeks have been me slowly leaving the park.
lindsey and i sat on the bleachers in the sun last monday while dave hacker ran austin and andrew through a workout. the sun was blazing, we were sharing wawa tea and my hoagie, and i asked her a lot of questions, in particular why she made the choice she did. she didn't really know. i thought it was planned, but it was not really according to her. it just happened. so maybe that is it. maybe things just happen because it is a moment, and there really is no more significance to it than that. i am left to wonder what the moments are in the lives of our children that will be significant and life changing. i am thinking increasingly that they are somehow always going to be negative.
this is a generation of children who have conversations on cellphones about things, who text back and forth constantly, who twitter and facebook. but they don't talk to each other. they fear looking someone in the eyes and telling them how they feel. they will fight, they will joke, they will sext each other with pictures, but they can't be intimate with their feelings. even austin is this way, telling me as we are wandering the walmart this past monday that he does love lindsey, but he hasn't told her that because it is awkward and weird and uncomfortable for him. i am wondering what could be more awkward than being naked and having sex in various ways. yet for him, this is easy, feelings are hard.
i do understand this, but i question what kind of adults these kids will be. what will they pass on to THEIR kids? will they be able to engage them in teaching them how to hug, to look at people, to show emotion? or will there be another generation of kids who operate in a semi-shallow way? what will they teach them about their hearts?
i wonder what i have taught austin about being honest with his feelings. i thought i had done a good job. he does talk to me, and he does tell me how he feels. but have i failed him by not teaching him how to walk in the world outside of our house? where is the line, and how will he know who to trust? in many ways, i want to teach him to make the effort, and that is what i told him monday. take the risk. i didn't, and it has changed the path of my life. i suspect that had i been more open and fearless, i might have had a different path.
so it comes back to what is my purpose here, and what should i do? and the answer is...no answer.
the daily OM today talks about your purpose in life, and i have thought that one of those reasons i have crashed down in this particular scenario has had something to do with austin. i think that is true, but now i have reached a place where it is time for me to reexamine what i am doing, and maybe to adjust to a new purpose. on many levels i have believed that i should be a teacher, and i have taken the most conventional form of that and made it my life's work. but maybe that isn't it. maybe i am supposed to do something else, influence or change in some other way. i just don't know. and i am back in the logjam, again.
so many changes with austin. all of a sudden, he was gone and he is grown. what started it all was the simple act of getting as driver's license. it let him free in the world to take him wherever he wanted, gave him options he didn't previously have easy access to. life got to be cici's pizza buffet, with lots of good things, and any time you have too much of a good thing, it can turn around and bite you in the ass.
he has switched girlfriends. in a lot of ways, amy was a blessing in that she was naive, shy and very sheltered. i saw some good things come out of that relationship, and one of those was austin's ability to protect and care. but he outgrew her, and i realized that i really didn't know my son, or what made him happy. i went along with what i saw, and believed he was secure and happy. in fact, he was bored and tired of her and needed to move on because, as he said, he wasn't himself with her.
enter lindsey into his world. a student of mine this past year, she is about everything amy isn't, but not necessarily in bad way. she is open, forthright, outspoken, not shy. she set her goal to get him, and she did. he was a bit naive about the pursuit, but not really. she seems to make him happier and more relaxed, and he has a life separate from her, which he really didn't have with amy. he says and does anything with her, which he didn't do with amy, and i guess that is a good thing. along with this, however, came sex. and he told me about it, somewhere in the winding hills of southern ohio on a two lane road to nowhere. in fact, the road was going somewhere, but not where i thought it would go.
how i have handled the sex thing has been interesting. i did cry. i didn't know why, but austin did. he said it was because he was not a little kid anymore with this step. he was exactly right. we talked a lot about it, and about the quickness of this choice. i knew it was coming, but i was shocked at how fast it happened.
this led me to asking a lot of frank questions to both austin and lindsey. how were they able to make this choice of giving up their virginity so quickly? what i found out was that it seems that kids do NOT place a lot of emotional value on this act. it is perceived as being an "animal instinct" according to kelley lowe. this point of view came in a conversation between kelley, her mother (MJ) and myself sitting at the table in my kitchen discussing viewpoints. curiously, it seems that kids today are more afraid of words and talking as intimacy then they are of baring their bodies and the awkwardness and exposure of sex.
this is an interesting concept, and i have adopted it. it is radically different from my age and time. all of my contemporaries were in their twenties before we had sex, and everyone, except me, had it only with the person they married. we were all scared i believe of exposing ourselves. this was like some sacred, holy act. but it has been shown increasingly over the past few decades that we are dinosaurs wandering around jurassic park and our children are frolicking merrily outside the walls. so this spring, and these weeks have been me slowly leaving the park.
lindsey and i sat on the bleachers in the sun last monday while dave hacker ran austin and andrew through a workout. the sun was blazing, we were sharing wawa tea and my hoagie, and i asked her a lot of questions, in particular why she made the choice she did. she didn't really know. i thought it was planned, but it was not really according to her. it just happened. so maybe that is it. maybe things just happen because it is a moment, and there really is no more significance to it than that. i am left to wonder what the moments are in the lives of our children that will be significant and life changing. i am thinking increasingly that they are somehow always going to be negative.
this is a generation of children who have conversations on cellphones about things, who text back and forth constantly, who twitter and facebook. but they don't talk to each other. they fear looking someone in the eyes and telling them how they feel. they will fight, they will joke, they will sext each other with pictures, but they can't be intimate with their feelings. even austin is this way, telling me as we are wandering the walmart this past monday that he does love lindsey, but he hasn't told her that because it is awkward and weird and uncomfortable for him. i am wondering what could be more awkward than being naked and having sex in various ways. yet for him, this is easy, feelings are hard.
i do understand this, but i question what kind of adults these kids will be. what will they pass on to THEIR kids? will they be able to engage them in teaching them how to hug, to look at people, to show emotion? or will there be another generation of kids who operate in a semi-shallow way? what will they teach them about their hearts?
i wonder what i have taught austin about being honest with his feelings. i thought i had done a good job. he does talk to me, and he does tell me how he feels. but have i failed him by not teaching him how to walk in the world outside of our house? where is the line, and how will he know who to trust? in many ways, i want to teach him to make the effort, and that is what i told him monday. take the risk. i didn't, and it has changed the path of my life. i suspect that had i been more open and fearless, i might have had a different path.
so it comes back to what is my purpose here, and what should i do? and the answer is...no answer.
Daily OM- Defining Your Direction...
July 1, 2009
Defining Your Direction - Your Life’s Work
Many people are committed to professions and personal endeavors they never consciously planned to pursue. They attribute the shape of their lives to circumstance, taking on roles they feel are tolerable. Each of us, however, has been blessed with a purpose. Your life’s work is the assemblage of activities that allows you to express your intelligence and creativity, live in accordance with your values, and experience the profound joy of simply being yourself. Unlike traditional work, which may demand more of you than you are willing to give, life’s work demands nothing but your intent and passion for that work. Yet no one is born with an understanding of the scope of their purpose. If you have drifted through life, you may feel directionless. Striving to discover your life’s work can help you realize your true potential and live a more authentic, driven life.
To make this discovery, you must consider your interests in the present and the passions that moved you in the past. You may have felt attracted to a certain discipline or profession throughout your young life only to have steered away from your aspirations upon reaching adulthood. Or you may be harboring an interest as of yet unexplored. Consider what calls to you and then narrow it down. If you want to work with your hands, ask yourself what work will allow you to do so. You may be able to refine your life’s work within the context of your current occupations. If you want to change the world, consider whether your skills and talents lend themselves to philanthropic work. Taking stock of your strengths, passions, beliefs, and values can help you refine your search for purpose if you don’t know where to begin. Additionally, in your daily meditation, ask the universe to clarify your life’s work by providing signs and be sure to pay attention.
Since life’s journey is one of evolution, you may need to redefine your direction on multiple occasions throughout your lifetime. For instance, being an amazing parent can be your life’s work strongly for 18 years, then perhaps you have different work to do. Your life’s work may not be something you are recognized or financially compensated for, such as parenting, a beloved hobby, or a variety of other activities typically deemed inconsequential. Your love for a pursuit, however, gives it meaning. You’ll know you have discovered your life’s work when you wake eager to face each day and you feel good about not only what you do but also who you are.
Defining Your Direction - Your Life’s Work
Many people are committed to professions and personal endeavors they never consciously planned to pursue. They attribute the shape of their lives to circumstance, taking on roles they feel are tolerable. Each of us, however, has been blessed with a purpose. Your life’s work is the assemblage of activities that allows you to express your intelligence and creativity, live in accordance with your values, and experience the profound joy of simply being yourself. Unlike traditional work, which may demand more of you than you are willing to give, life’s work demands nothing but your intent and passion for that work. Yet no one is born with an understanding of the scope of their purpose. If you have drifted through life, you may feel directionless. Striving to discover your life’s work can help you realize your true potential and live a more authentic, driven life.
To make this discovery, you must consider your interests in the present and the passions that moved you in the past. You may have felt attracted to a certain discipline or profession throughout your young life only to have steered away from your aspirations upon reaching adulthood. Or you may be harboring an interest as of yet unexplored. Consider what calls to you and then narrow it down. If you want to work with your hands, ask yourself what work will allow you to do so. You may be able to refine your life’s work within the context of your current occupations. If you want to change the world, consider whether your skills and talents lend themselves to philanthropic work. Taking stock of your strengths, passions, beliefs, and values can help you refine your search for purpose if you don’t know where to begin. Additionally, in your daily meditation, ask the universe to clarify your life’s work by providing signs and be sure to pay attention.
Since life’s journey is one of evolution, you may need to redefine your direction on multiple occasions throughout your lifetime. For instance, being an amazing parent can be your life’s work strongly for 18 years, then perhaps you have different work to do. Your life’s work may not be something you are recognized or financially compensated for, such as parenting, a beloved hobby, or a variety of other activities typically deemed inconsequential. Your love for a pursuit, however, gives it meaning. You’ll know you have discovered your life’s work when you wake eager to face each day and you feel good about not only what you do but also who you are.
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