Monday, April 28, 2008
new music on the blog
i have spent too much time making a playlist of songs i like. it is to the left and you can scroll through the list and play the ones you like. there are a lot of them there...
Sunday, April 27, 2008
triest and ross and some thoughts on the mormons in my life
last night i went to the virginia wedding reception for triest vanleeuwen and ross graham, her new husband. they were married last week in utah and had a second reception here in mechanicsville where both grew up.
i taught both triest and her sister maddie 10th grade english several years ago, and i have kept up with triest over the years via email and occasional phone calls. she has just graduated from BYU rexburg and completed her mormon mission this past august. i met ross for the first time over this past xmas holiday when the two of them came to school to visit and i met them for lunch at the local mexico restaurant.
they seem to be a match. ross obviously adores her. they grew up together in the same church, but it took a few years and a lot of miles before triest saw ross with new eyes. how lucky is that?!
triest and maddie were part of the mormon "gang" that i taught over several years. every year i had at least one happy mormon kid in my class, including three of the six rainock kids and lots of others. then all of a sudden, no more mormon kids. and i miss them. my mormon students were the happiest, most well adjusted kids i taught. they may not have all been the best students, but they seem to have a sunniness that the other non-mormon kids did not.
i think i got a better understanding of that when i went to the reception. i was a little apprehensive. while i was looking forward to seeing triest and ross, i knew i likely would not know anyone else there. as it turned out, maddie and two of the rainock girls were there and i chatted briefly with them. i stood in the food line with mama rainock and chatted with her as we waited for the food (which had been made by two of the sisters of that ward, and it was quite wonderful.
i taught both triest and her sister maddie 10th grade english several years ago, and i have kept up with triest over the years via email and occasional phone calls. she has just graduated from BYU rexburg and completed her mormon mission this past august. i met ross for the first time over this past xmas holiday when the two of them came to school to visit and i met them for lunch at the local mexico restaurant.
they seem to be a match. ross obviously adores her. they grew up together in the same church, but it took a few years and a lot of miles before triest saw ross with new eyes. how lucky is that?!
triest and maddie were part of the mormon "gang" that i taught over several years. every year i had at least one happy mormon kid in my class, including three of the six rainock kids and lots of others. then all of a sudden, no more mormon kids. and i miss them. my mormon students were the happiest, most well adjusted kids i taught. they may not have all been the best students, but they seem to have a sunniness that the other non-mormon kids did not.
i think i got a better understanding of that when i went to the reception. i was a little apprehensive. while i was looking forward to seeing triest and ross, i knew i likely would not know anyone else there. as it turned out, maddie and two of the rainock girls were there and i chatted briefly with them. i stood in the food line with mama rainock and chatted with her as we waited for the food (which had been made by two of the sisters of that ward, and it was quite wonderful.
i took my plate of food and sat in a chair along the wall hoping i would not be too conspicuous. i watched the video and slide show of triest and ross and then a nice gentleman with his granddaughter sat down next to me to introduce himself. he didn't know that i knew him...i recognized the granddaughter as belonging to lorel rainock. he apparently recognized i was not one of the ones that knew everyone, and i thought to myself, what i kind gesture. i told him i had taught three of his children, and he sat there and talked to me for several minutes while the new grandbaby chewed on his tie. he was very calm and patient, as he guess you would have to be if you had raised six children!
while i was eating and people watching, what i noticed the most was the sense of community. all of the young ladies seem to be about the same age and all obviously knew each other and were enjoying visiting and getting caught up. all the young husbands were handsome and seem to be on the way to many different careers..law school, medical school. most had spent at least some time in utah or rexburg attending one of the BYU's. the young ladies were now young mothers, some with multiple children. and they still seemed to be happy, centered adults. it seems that most of them are lucky enough to be able to stay home and be mothers . everyone looked happy.
it was quite the change from what i have been observing as of late, which has been so much negativity, selfishness and apathy. it made me particularly miss the absence of the sunny mormon children from my classroom. it made me happy for triest and ross and the others and gave me a little hope. i imagine living in utah would be sort of a little utopia if you were in a state where most of the people have the same value system that you have and it is practiced collectively. whether or not you aspire to the mormon church, you still have to admire the devotion and dedication to family values. you hear a lot about it these days from the politicians, but you rarely see it in action. i am sure, as with any religious community, there are problems and drama. but at least for last night, i didn't observe any.
even though i don't have the youngsters in the class anymore, i have the privilege of having watched the ones i taught grow into fine young people. that is one of the bonuses of being a teacher...:)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
things i am thankful for...
...austin talks to me. not always nicely. but he does tell me what he thinks and confides in me. that is something a lot of parents don't have.
...i get along with bebo. he plucks my nerves sometimes and reminds me why i am not married to him. but ultimately, he is a good person and a friend.
...the squirrels don't like safflower seeds and the finches do. lots of finches, lots of cardinals.
...expensive bird feeders that actually keep the squirrels from getting anything
...attentive cats. better than people. they know when to get the hell on, they don't argue, and they are low maintenance.
...old friends who care about me. they are low maintenance too, but rev up when there is a need.
...my parents and family are relatively healthy in their twilight years
...my back being in at this moment and my knees aren't hurting right now.
...that bruce found a simple fix to the push mower not working
...that beer can be traded for a simple lawn mower fix
...that i got my state tax check, which was $1001. i put it in the savings account.
...being able to get good places booked for our upcoming west coast adventure.
...that i get to go back to san francisco, yosemite and new mexico, and especially that i get to go back to pagosa springs to the hot springs there.
...fish tacos and jack daniels burgers with austin at TGIF's.
...online pizza ordering.
...guy fieri and DINERS, DRIVE INS AND DIVES on the food network. a whole list of places to visit on the trip.
...the chinatown bus to nyc, yankee tickets and hostels...and uncle george bush, the dufus, giving me $600 to spend. austin's birthday present is a trip there in july.
...not having to go to orlando in august. now it is jupiter, florida, in june.
...angel pennies when i need them.
...the ability to give reiki and massages and have people forget whatever transgressions i might have incurred that required i get back in their good graces via these little gifts.
...not having babies, young kids or grandkids. a teenager is enough. and one is just fine, thank you.
...that austin is happy with amy and doesn't have girl drama.
...that bebo has loosened up the purse strings and is picking up some of the expenses that i have done on my own for years.
...low humidity, however temporary.
...new books from amazon to read and savor: RETIREMENT IN NEW MEXICO, BUILDING SCREENED ROOMS AND PORCHES.
...getting a copy of DIAMONDS AND RUST by joan baez and having a pleasant flashback.
...ceiling fans in all the rooms
...peeper frogs, and the return of bud-weis and er, the front waterfall frogs.
...solar lamps and lights in my yard
...no headaches this week...
...i get along with bebo. he plucks my nerves sometimes and reminds me why i am not married to him. but ultimately, he is a good person and a friend.
...the squirrels don't like safflower seeds and the finches do. lots of finches, lots of cardinals.
...expensive bird feeders that actually keep the squirrels from getting anything
...attentive cats. better than people. they know when to get the hell on, they don't argue, and they are low maintenance.
...old friends who care about me. they are low maintenance too, but rev up when there is a need.
...my parents and family are relatively healthy in their twilight years
...my back being in at this moment and my knees aren't hurting right now.
...that bruce found a simple fix to the push mower not working
...that beer can be traded for a simple lawn mower fix
...that i got my state tax check, which was $1001. i put it in the savings account.
...being able to get good places booked for our upcoming west coast adventure.
...that i get to go back to san francisco, yosemite and new mexico, and especially that i get to go back to pagosa springs to the hot springs there.
...fish tacos and jack daniels burgers with austin at TGIF's.
...online pizza ordering.
...guy fieri and DINERS, DRIVE INS AND DIVES on the food network. a whole list of places to visit on the trip.
...the chinatown bus to nyc, yankee tickets and hostels...and uncle george bush, the dufus, giving me $600 to spend. austin's birthday present is a trip there in july.
...not having to go to orlando in august. now it is jupiter, florida, in june.
...angel pennies when i need them.
...the ability to give reiki and massages and have people forget whatever transgressions i might have incurred that required i get back in their good graces via these little gifts.
...not having babies, young kids or grandkids. a teenager is enough. and one is just fine, thank you.
...that austin is happy with amy and doesn't have girl drama.
...that bebo has loosened up the purse strings and is picking up some of the expenses that i have done on my own for years.
...low humidity, however temporary.
...new books from amazon to read and savor: RETIREMENT IN NEW MEXICO, BUILDING SCREENED ROOMS AND PORCHES.
...getting a copy of DIAMONDS AND RUST by joan baez and having a pleasant flashback.
...ceiling fans in all the rooms
...peeper frogs, and the return of bud-weis and er, the front waterfall frogs.
...solar lamps and lights in my yard
...no headaches this week...
austin...the ultimate dumb ass...:)
i couldn't make this up, even if i tried.
i couldn't find my keys today and realized that austin, who drove us to school, probably had forgotten to give them to me. as i was plodding to the car, it struck me that i would probably have to walk all the way down to the ball field to get them from him.
but than again, he might have left them in the car. i looked in. they were there. i got in the car and tried to turn the car on...grind, grind, grind....startled, i wondered why...and then i realized...
the car was already on...
the ultimate dumb ass had gotten out of the car...and left it running...for over 8 hours...
i had enough gas to drive to the ball field, walk down and tell him what he had done...and that he owed me $20 for gas...which he had to give me, plus he had to get out and fill up the car.
we just don't seem to have a lot of luck with austin and the cars. oh, he drives well enough, and i figure every day at this point is a good day to die. but getting him to a license is truly peeling years off of my life and making grey the ultimate in hair color for me.
first it was he wouldn't get the learner's permit. i thought this was stupid. what kid doesn't want his driver's permit? mine. why? no real answer. and i never got one. but i did decide that he was going to get the permit, period. so i made him get up and go to the DMV on a saturday morning. he was surly, and uncooperative and difficult and alternating between knowing everything and scared to death. for two hours we sat there, me with my hurting back in a chair designed by hitler. austin refusing to fill out the paper work. me watching the united nations that is the DMV. i felt like i was in a 3rd world country. and then, after all of this...he flunks the driver's permit test. did you hear that explosion? did i have a total meltdown? OH YEAH.
we have to wait 15 days to try for the permit again. this time, he is a bit more enthused. he actually studies for the tests, knows all of the signs. he has baseball at 10 a.m., so we are there with the rest of the refugees at exactly 8 a.m. already the line to GET IN LINE is doubled up inside. i take a seat. i wait for 20 minutes while he slowly gets up to the counter to get a number to get waited on, and then suddenly, he is hovering over me like a big buzzard and i hear the words "they won't give me a number." incredulous, i ask why not...and the answer is...he has no ID. he forgot it. it is at home...and now i have to go and get it, or quit again.
my response: i didn't think it possible to cry twice in the DMV. the whole way home i whipped myself into a frenzy, alternating between punching him and laughing. we get home. he plops down on the sofa and declares he isn't going back, he isn't getting his license. i get about 4 inches from the end of the nose and say tell him yes, you are. i snatch away the remote and the cellphone and tell him that until he passes this test, he will be sitting on this couch with no communications whatsoever, no girlfriend, no baseball, no computers. he will get this frigging license, and he will do it NOW, NOW,NOW!!!!!
he did.
i ask him if he would like to drive to the baseball practice. he says sure. only after he has gotten out of the parking lot does he reveal to me that he has never driven on the road or in traffic before. and here i thought his dad was teaching him to drive. apparently so, but only in an old shopping mall parking lot on a sunday...
i am thinking...it is, again, a good day to die. and this kid needs to overcome his fears. so we drive out into the world...on the interstate.
we make it. he is proud. i don't care anymore. i tell him, now, you have no reason to worry. you have just been put in the worst possible scenario for a new driver and you passed with flying colors.
since then, he is all about driving the car when we go out. even his girlfriend's parents let him drive when they are bringing him home. he does pretty well for someone who can't find his ass without two hands and a road map.
until today, when he got preoccupied over a stain on his shirt, and just forgot to turn off the car. how many different languages can you say "dumb ass" in?
i couldn't find my keys today and realized that austin, who drove us to school, probably had forgotten to give them to me. as i was plodding to the car, it struck me that i would probably have to walk all the way down to the ball field to get them from him.
but than again, he might have left them in the car. i looked in. they were there. i got in the car and tried to turn the car on...grind, grind, grind....startled, i wondered why...and then i realized...
the car was already on...
the ultimate dumb ass had gotten out of the car...and left it running...for over 8 hours...
i had enough gas to drive to the ball field, walk down and tell him what he had done...and that he owed me $20 for gas...which he had to give me, plus he had to get out and fill up the car.
we just don't seem to have a lot of luck with austin and the cars. oh, he drives well enough, and i figure every day at this point is a good day to die. but getting him to a license is truly peeling years off of my life and making grey the ultimate in hair color for me.
first it was he wouldn't get the learner's permit. i thought this was stupid. what kid doesn't want his driver's permit? mine. why? no real answer. and i never got one. but i did decide that he was going to get the permit, period. so i made him get up and go to the DMV on a saturday morning. he was surly, and uncooperative and difficult and alternating between knowing everything and scared to death. for two hours we sat there, me with my hurting back in a chair designed by hitler. austin refusing to fill out the paper work. me watching the united nations that is the DMV. i felt like i was in a 3rd world country. and then, after all of this...he flunks the driver's permit test. did you hear that explosion? did i have a total meltdown? OH YEAH.
we have to wait 15 days to try for the permit again. this time, he is a bit more enthused. he actually studies for the tests, knows all of the signs. he has baseball at 10 a.m., so we are there with the rest of the refugees at exactly 8 a.m. already the line to GET IN LINE is doubled up inside. i take a seat. i wait for 20 minutes while he slowly gets up to the counter to get a number to get waited on, and then suddenly, he is hovering over me like a big buzzard and i hear the words "they won't give me a number." incredulous, i ask why not...and the answer is...he has no ID. he forgot it. it is at home...and now i have to go and get it, or quit again.
my response: i didn't think it possible to cry twice in the DMV. the whole way home i whipped myself into a frenzy, alternating between punching him and laughing. we get home. he plops down on the sofa and declares he isn't going back, he isn't getting his license. i get about 4 inches from the end of the nose and say tell him yes, you are. i snatch away the remote and the cellphone and tell him that until he passes this test, he will be sitting on this couch with no communications whatsoever, no girlfriend, no baseball, no computers. he will get this frigging license, and he will do it NOW, NOW,NOW!!!!!
he did.
i ask him if he would like to drive to the baseball practice. he says sure. only after he has gotten out of the parking lot does he reveal to me that he has never driven on the road or in traffic before. and here i thought his dad was teaching him to drive. apparently so, but only in an old shopping mall parking lot on a sunday...
i am thinking...it is, again, a good day to die. and this kid needs to overcome his fears. so we drive out into the world...on the interstate.
we make it. he is proud. i don't care anymore. i tell him, now, you have no reason to worry. you have just been put in the worst possible scenario for a new driver and you passed with flying colors.
since then, he is all about driving the car when we go out. even his girlfriend's parents let him drive when they are bringing him home. he does pretty well for someone who can't find his ass without two hands and a road map.
until today, when he got preoccupied over a stain on his shirt, and just forgot to turn off the car. how many different languages can you say "dumb ass" in?
I NEED TO SUCK IT UP!
hello corner of cyberspace where i can lecture myself. are you there? :)
i looked at this blog to find out when the last time i was that i was in remission. it was the last week of november, first week of december. i got a day, december 3, 2007. it was actually enough to last me for awhile, but I REALLY NEED A DAY~
hey, god...i need an angel penny!
hey, god...i need just one good day. just one. please. if i can get just one, i think i will be able to make it to the end of the school year. oh, i will make it, crawling if i have to. but i likely will have students, colleagues and friends burning effigies of me and putting more pins in my voodoo doll, which likely now looks like a porcupine.
today, well, i just melted down. it was sort of the bottoming out that can only be described as sort of like when you are pouring spaghetti into a bowl. it comes out slowly in little lumps, and then when you get to the end, the whole damned thing just flies out and splashes everywhere, out of the bowl, on the floor, in the sink, wherever. no matter what you do, you can't make the spaghetti pour smoothly. so is my life!
it guess it doesn't matter what gets you into the sink our out of the bowl. what matters is that somehow you get yourself back to the place where you can become a decent and desired pasta salad...
ok, stupid analogy, but i do feel like plain old pasta right now.the world is a tuxedo and i am a pair of brown shoes...
so, i need to find something to latch on to that reminds me of the old ellen, because that person has sort of disappeared. so i have had my cry today, have watched a funny movie ("wild hogs" which always makes me laugh!), and now i am writing, another good outlet. i don't know exactly what i have to do to get myself hopeful again, but i know i can't keep yelling and wailing and weeping.
simply put, the world isn't going to change, no matter how much i wish it would. the kids i teach aren't going to miraculously develop a sense of respect for themselves or others; they aren't going to suddenly become enthused about reading or thinking or learning; they aren't going to stop asking me vapid, dumb ass questions; they aren't going to suddenly give a rat's ass about something important.
they are just going to keep on as they are. i can't stop it. what can i do? i can try to convince myself that what i do matters. right now, i am thinking not. i know it probably does, but the sheer effort of having to go into a classroom and be beaten back by waves of mediocrity, rudeness and indifference just peels the skin off of me. i am raw. not a good place to be.
it was suggested to me by a younger colleague that i take a year's sabbatical and go work in a florist. i would actually consider it if i didn't have child to support. there has to be a middle ground and i have to suck it up and find it.
there were some good things today. i got a card and a magnet in the mail from an dear old friend; my roomie from college called me because she was "picking me up" and we do that. the student who was sabotaging herself all over my classroom this week came to talk after school. the parent of a former student sent me an email about the "invisible mom" and boy, that struck a nerve.
i didn't find any angel pennies, but there seemed to be other signs. that is good. i am not going to bed tonight totally depressed...:)
i looked at this blog to find out when the last time i was that i was in remission. it was the last week of november, first week of december. i got a day, december 3, 2007. it was actually enough to last me for awhile, but I REALLY NEED A DAY~
hey, god...i need an angel penny!
hey, god...i need just one good day. just one. please. if i can get just one, i think i will be able to make it to the end of the school year. oh, i will make it, crawling if i have to. but i likely will have students, colleagues and friends burning effigies of me and putting more pins in my voodoo doll, which likely now looks like a porcupine.
today, well, i just melted down. it was sort of the bottoming out that can only be described as sort of like when you are pouring spaghetti into a bowl. it comes out slowly in little lumps, and then when you get to the end, the whole damned thing just flies out and splashes everywhere, out of the bowl, on the floor, in the sink, wherever. no matter what you do, you can't make the spaghetti pour smoothly. so is my life!
it guess it doesn't matter what gets you into the sink our out of the bowl. what matters is that somehow you get yourself back to the place where you can become a decent and desired pasta salad...
ok, stupid analogy, but i do feel like plain old pasta right now.the world is a tuxedo and i am a pair of brown shoes...
so, i need to find something to latch on to that reminds me of the old ellen, because that person has sort of disappeared. so i have had my cry today, have watched a funny movie ("wild hogs" which always makes me laugh!), and now i am writing, another good outlet. i don't know exactly what i have to do to get myself hopeful again, but i know i can't keep yelling and wailing and weeping.
simply put, the world isn't going to change, no matter how much i wish it would. the kids i teach aren't going to miraculously develop a sense of respect for themselves or others; they aren't going to suddenly become enthused about reading or thinking or learning; they aren't going to stop asking me vapid, dumb ass questions; they aren't going to suddenly give a rat's ass about something important.
they are just going to keep on as they are. i can't stop it. what can i do? i can try to convince myself that what i do matters. right now, i am thinking not. i know it probably does, but the sheer effort of having to go into a classroom and be beaten back by waves of mediocrity, rudeness and indifference just peels the skin off of me. i am raw. not a good place to be.
it was suggested to me by a younger colleague that i take a year's sabbatical and go work in a florist. i would actually consider it if i didn't have child to support. there has to be a middle ground and i have to suck it up and find it.
there were some good things today. i got a card and a magnet in the mail from an dear old friend; my roomie from college called me because she was "picking me up" and we do that. the student who was sabotaging herself all over my classroom this week came to talk after school. the parent of a former student sent me an email about the "invisible mom" and boy, that struck a nerve.
i didn't find any angel pennies, but there seemed to be other signs. that is good. i am not going to bed tonight totally depressed...:)
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